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Topic : 11/15 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club, Part 2

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Created on : Friday, November 11, 2005, 05:27:16 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Dr. Phil and Robin continue working with four bitter women imprisoned by guilt, shame and broken spirits since their husbands walked out. Holly has been divorced for almost a year, but still hasn't taken off her wedding ring. Can Dr. Phil convince her to remove the emotional shackle to her ugly past? Donna has never stood up for herself and rediscovers just how strong she can be -- and even pushes Dr. Phil around! Pam's been accused of being cold and unfeeling. She finally lets her guard down to reveal the real her. Plus, Heidi discovers that the root of her problem isn't her husband after all, but something that happened many years ago.  Will these women be able to leave their pasts behind and start over? Talk about the show here.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

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November 15, 2005, 8:10 am CST

Been there done that....

Dr. Phil you are a God sent to these ladies.  I can see myself in all of these women.  They are so lucky to have you in their corner at a time like this.  8 years ago my EX did this very same thing to me.  He told me in our bed one night that he wasn't happy  in our marriage anymore and that he wanted a divorce after 27 years of marriage.  HE told me ...No there wasn't another woman but there were so many clues that there really was one. for the year prior  I had been following your advice to talk to your spouse when you feel there was something wrong but the lies were flowing to thick to see the truth.   My young adult Children and myself were given a pager number in which he could be reached but no address or direct phone number.  We were told not to call him at work.  He was a police officer and didn't want us to bother him at his office. Nothing seemed right about this so with in a few days with the help of my good friends we found out that he was having an affair and where he was living with her.  One afternoon when the other woman and my ex  got out of work my friend and myself were waiting for them to come home from work at their love nest.  SHOCK... After confronting both of them with the lies and being told by the other woman that it was all  MY fault that he is with her  I then  knew what I had to do..  

 MY FAULT... MY FAULT ... these  words kept running in my head.. NO WAY...  I was no longer going to be stepped on by my ex who was a liar and a cheater.  No it was NOT my fault that he has cheating on me while I was at home trying to work on my marriage .  I got Mad... Anger was what got me through the bitter divorce .  I had rights and I had feelings which were now going to make me a new person.  First of all I got rid of that bed in which we were laying in when he  told me  he wanted out of our marriage.. Then the ring which I had worn for 27 years was melted down and made into something new for me to wear as a new beginning.  Don't get me wrong.  I was hurt  and depressed at first by all the lies but he made the choices to lie and cheat on me.  NOT ME... it wasn't my fault and I know that some day what goes around will come around for him too.  Thank you for helping these ladies find themselves again.  I wish you had been there for me when I went through it 8 years ago but I do know that I like the woman that I am today.  I smile more and enjoy life now to the fullest.  Also I have been remarried for 4 years now to a man who went through the same thing I had with my ex.... So we understand what we both had gone through and it does help.  Good luck ladies.  Take one step at a time... One day at a time... YOU CAN DO IT !!!!  

Charms...      

 
November 15, 2005, 8:12 am CST

11/15 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club, Part 2

Quote From: cubanlili

 After 22 years, he left on 1 July.  He is gone but he does not want to let go.  He still pays all the bills  since I am looking for work.  When he left we said we were going to be nice about the whole thing.  But all he wants is control.  He checks the credit cards every day and  puts the bare minimum in the checking account.  Don't laugh but I make dinner every nigtht.  I go to a support group that has been very helpful.  Dr. Phil's show today was very eye opening.  It came after a conversation that  covered - Did I have a job yet? and then when I said no he asked if I thought it was because I was fat.  What a jerk, right.     Anyway, as the song says, "I will survive" and be a stronger person.

Thanks for letting me vent.
What a jerk!  Not right?  Get out, do your own thing, you don't need him!  Give it to him before he takes more from you.  I know I sat and until today let him keep taking.  I won't do it anymore.  I realize now the power he still had over me and we have been divorced for over two years.  Be strong!  Best of luck to you!  Keri
 
November 15, 2005, 8:26 am CST

11/15 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club, Part 2

Quote From: mayaguez44

I wasn't a legal wife but I was with my partner for fifteen years.  I too can relate to everything in that show.  during Hurricane Chrley he left me with all the devastation to go to Tennessee to play golf with his friends for one week.  After that the next Hurricane came and he again left me to go to play golf with his friends for another week in Michigan.  In September last year I was diagnosed wih a brain tumor.  When he came back during those times I felt betrayed and wondered what I had done to merit such treatment.  I felt lilke I was nothing but a piece of used garbage.  I no longer wanted to make love to him.  He no longer respected me as his partner and treated me so.  I was diagnosed with a brain tumor in September.  He left me lone in the hospital to attend a golf tournament and work in the golf course.  He manged to take time out to bring me home.  Except I no longr trusted him so I went to my mothers.  During the five weeks of convalescence, he did not come by to visit me nor did he call.  We lived one mile from my mothers and he just did not bother.  I threw him out when he pushed me and I fell down two months after surgery. What have I done?  I literally picked myself up from everything I knew, living in Maryland and took a cut in salary to follow him to Florida.  I feel like a fool.  I'm now fighting a legal battle because he wants revenge for something he did not me.  I need to move on but don't know how.  It has been nine months and all I can think of is WHY!!  I gave myself to him, cooking keeping his home bueatiful, working full time  and spending weekends cleaning and doing things just for him.  I gave up friends just to only cater to him while he continued to play golf and because he's retired, enjoy his retirement.  What a FOOL!! Help me to move on.
You need to watch both of the first wives club shows!  You need to tell yourself that you are worthy, you are a strong woman.  Don't let him take anymore from you.  I did all those things for my husband too and he left.  Don't worry about why, they are just assholes.  Take your life back.  Like Dr. Phil said, this is just a guy you met.  Move on.  I am divorced and have been for over two years, I just finally got it!  What a freedom!  I send all clean, folded clothes when the kids go to his house and he sends back a whole basket of dirty laundry, this has been going on for over two years!  Wake up I thought today, it won't happen again.  I deserve better, and why am still trying to please him?  He wasn't happy before and found someone else, why would I think he would be happy and appreciate anything I do for him now.  Dr. Phil and Robin have changed my life from this day on and I hope for you that in watching these shows you will have the same revelation and find peace.  You need to take care of you, especially with your recent illness!  Take back your life, you are strong, you just overcame an awful illness.  You are worthy of so much more, kick that garbage to the curb and don't even think twice about it!  God Bless you and be with you  Keri
 
November 15, 2005, 8:35 am CST

finally at peace

Its is so amazing to finally beable to take care of me.  Eight years of marriage....three beautiful children....and much much suffering, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was just a kid when i met him, and i too gave everything to be with a person who couldn't love me.  I see myself in every woman on that show, i think i've been through every emotion possible before i finally decided to take my power back.  To let go, and no its not easy, but possible.  The first year i was the "poor me" i abousolutley couldn't believe he could make me feel any less of a person than i did then, but he could because i let him.  The second year, he admitted the first affair, and left me with a nine month old, and pregnant with twin, i was 18 and scared to death.  I say left me, but no he kicked me out.  This time i became the begger, who would do anything, humiliate myself, whatever it took to get him back, because i didn't believe in myself enought to think i could do it without him.  I was so convinced i was better with him than without him.  Then we go on to the third and fouth year, which at the time seemed good to me, but I was on fooling myself.  As long as i didn't bi***ch all the time, and pretty much let him do what ever we seemed the "happy couple"  I believed that he had just been imature, and had to grow up, catch up with me.  I was so wrong.  Off and on, i believe there have been many affairs, but i couldn't love myself enough to see it.  Right before our 7th anniversary he admitted to the second one.  Now i became the numb, bitter, resentful, not caring woman,  I hated him and the world, and i didn't care anymore.  I filed for divorce, i went out, i had a good time, but i still hadn't owned up to my feelings.   Three months later, he convinced me he had "changed"  we went to church together, we talked, we did date nights, and i had almost let the wall down i had built up to protect myself from getting hurt again.  I'd try whatever to atleast beable to reassure myself that there was nothing else i could have done to save my marriage.  Understand i said "everything I could do'  I never put it on him.    The whole time, it was always in my head that he would probably do this again, and what dr. phil says about not investing more than you can lose.  Even thought i was bitter and hateful, and didn't seem to care, i learned that i could take care of myself, and i could do it without him.  I didn't have that fear that if he didn't it again, my life would be over....which was reassuring..  So here i am , one year later from taking him back, and i'm in the same situation, not to my suprise.  For a second there was self pity, and why me, and how stupid are you....then calmly i step back and took a look at what was really happening to me.   I'm 25 years old, I"m an attractived woman, I'm a great mother, and This is probably the best thing he could have ever done to me, or for me.  I only wish i'd had enough belief in my self to do it before he could.     I know i'll be just fine.   I know that over this past year there have been atleast two other women.   I can let him go now.  I deserve so much more and i know as long as i believe in myself i will get it.  He mailed off the divorce papers yesterday, at first i was sad, then i became angry.  NOt at me, but at him.  He doesn't know that i know about the others, and i'll keep it that way for now, because its not going to change anything, and i refuse to put my children through any more hurt.  I want down him in front of them, but that doesn't mean i have to like him.  I know if i keep cool, and never let him back in, that he will get what he deserves, i just have to be patient.      Good luck to all of you in this same situation......THERE IS HOPE 

  

 
November 15, 2005, 8:37 am CST

A good divorce agreement is key

 I had what my attorney and I thought was a great agreement. And it was until my ex lost his job. He was making a lot of money at the time of the divorce and we thought his professional star was on the rise. So my attorney advised me to put the whole agreement in terms of percentages. Well, my ex lost his job and has not been reporting income (that's another story altogether) for over two years. Because he shows no income, I get 0% of nothing. Be careful!
 
November 15, 2005, 8:45 am CST

Dealing with anger

As someone who understands what is like to go through this, I found the thing which makes it so hard to move on is the anger that never seems to die. It took me years to get over the anger and only then could I move forward. The anger keeps you stuck. 

  

To all of you who say these women should quit whining and just move on with your life, you just don't get how hard that is when you are not strong emotionally. 

  

Dr. Phil needs to show them how to deal with the anger and resentment and I hope we see that today. I really didn't get his telling them they were boring him - was that necessary or helpful in any way? I think he is trying to motivate them but is more anger the way to do it? 

  

Can't wait to see. 

 
November 15, 2005, 8:47 am CST

U CAN BE IF YOU WANT TO

Quote From: sabete

I was where you are almost 6 years ago.  I posted another (long!) message earlier so hopefully you will see it. 

  

Your husband doesn't know whether he wants to stay married or not so, what do you want?  This is your life not his.   Don't let him decide for you.  There is no middle ground here while you allow him to put you through hell.  It is tough.  It is horrible.  But it doesn't last.   You will heal.  You will become stronger.  You will amaze yourself at what you can do.  Take it a day at a time.  Don't ever give up.  You are not alone.  There are those of us who have been there too and have come out the other side.  We are with you in spirit. 

  

Stay strong. 

I'M 25 with 3 kids 7, and twin 6, my husband too left me last week.  You can make the choice to go round and round with him, or you can see that you are strong and you can do.  I know how you feel i was the same way, scared to death i couldn't support myself or the kids without him, or that i'd lose everything.  But its a funny thing how when you decided your better than that, and your kids are better than that, how things start to fall into place.  NO its not easy, but it can be done.  I work two job, one durning the week so home before the bus, so i dont have to pay a sitter.  (which i cant afford) and one on sat. which i do with the help of friends and family.  On my weekend i get someone, and when its his turn, its on him.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are WORTH IT, and you can do it.  How will you know if you dont try.  I'm not saying to just totally give up on your marriage, but being able to take care of yourself will make you feel so much stronger, and he will respect you for it, and just maybe say "wait just a minute, she may not need me like i thought, i need to do something."   Keep your head high
 
November 15, 2005, 8:48 am CST

11/15 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club, Part 2

I have always been a fan of Dr. Phil, but was never moved so much as I was two days in a row watching the first wives club.  I have been divorced for over two years.  My first husband was my high school sweetheart, we were together we had been together for 17 years and married almost 13 when he did a total 360 degree turn.  He told me he woke up one day and didn't love me, he loved what I did for him and the kids but didn't think he loved me.  I wondered if it was someone else, he wasn't very ambitious so it had to be someone close to him.  Well, the only woman close to him was a lesbian he worked with.  His family was on my side and even his 60 plus year old aunt said "there has to be a skirt involved here somewhere."  I did everything for him, kept the perfect house, worked part time, let him hunt and fish whenever he had the chance.   He took week long vacations himself every year, whether the money was there or not.  I thought he deserved he worked hard the rest of the year.  His reasons for leaving me were because I did not handle money well our years together.  I let him convince me that it was my fault.  It was an awful time in my life.  About 6 months after he left I found out that it was the lesbian chic he worked with, I think she wanted to try out the other side of the fence for a while.  She became pregnant and they married, exactly what her jilted lesbian lover had told me was her plan.  Unblelievable.  In the meantime, I met someone wonderful.  It was like it was meant to be.  We joke now about sending our ex's thank you cards for kicking us to the curb!  His ex left him for an old boyfriend.  Neither of us knew we were so unhappy before.  I watched the shows and cried with these women.  Even though I had remarried, I never really let go of that anger.  I never let go of trying to still make him happy!  I can't belive I still alowed him to have a piece of me.  I was still doing everything, I made the excuse that I was doing it to keep peace and for my kids.  What a crock.   I don't have to continue to hold his hand and let him have some of me.  I am mad at myself for not getting a backbone earlier.  Thank God my husband now is understanding, he would try to get me to see this but it wasn't until these last two days watching the first wives club that I realized I hadn't let go!  Thank you to Dr. Phil and to Robin for helping me see what was going on.  I saw a part of me in each of these women.  I am getting rid of my e-mail which has some of my ex-husbands last name in it, it is like Donna holding on to that wedding ring!  This has been a changing day in my life!    Keri 

 
November 15, 2005, 8:48 am CST

U CAN BE IF YOU WANT TO

Quote From: sabete

I was where you are almost 6 years ago.  I posted another (long!) message earlier so hopefully you will see it. 

  

Your husband doesn't know whether he wants to stay married or not so, what do you want?  This is your life not his.   Don't let him decide for you.  There is no middle ground here while you allow him to put you through hell.  It is tough.  It is horrible.  But it doesn't last.   You will heal.  You will become stronger.  You will amaze yourself at what you can do.  Take it a day at a time.  Don't ever give up.  You are not alone.  There are those of us who have been there too and have come out the other side.  We are with you in spirit. 

  

Stay strong. 

I'M 25 with 3 kids 7, and twin 6, my husband too left me last week.  You can make the choice to go round and round with him, or you can see that you are strong and you can do.  I know how you feel i was the same way, scared to death i couldn't support myself or the kids without him, or that i'd lose everything.  But its a funny thing how when you decided your better than that, and your kids are better than that, how things start to fall into place.  NO its not easy, but it can be done.  I work two job, one durning the week so home before the bus, so i dont have to pay a sitter.  (which i cant afford) and one on sat. which i do with the help of friends and family.  On my weekend i get someone, and when its his turn, its on him.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are WORTH IT, and you can do it.  How will you know if you dont try.  I'm not saying to just totally give up on your marriage, but being able to take care of yourself will make you feel so much stronger, and he will respect you for it, and just maybe say "wait just a minute, she may not need me like i thought, i need to do something."   Keep your head high
 
November 15, 2005, 8:55 am CST

11/15 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club, Part 2

Quote From: mndhawkins

Its is so amazing to finally beable to take care of me.  Eight years of marriage....three beautiful children....and much much suffering, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was just a kid when i met him, and i too gave everything to be with a person who couldn't love me.  I see myself in every woman on that show, i think i've been through every emotion possible before i finally decided to take my power back.  To let go, and no its not easy, but possible.  The first year i was the "poor me" i abousolutley couldn't believe he could make me feel any less of a person than i did then, but he could because i let him.  The second year, he admitted the first affair, and left me with a nine month old, and pregnant with twin, i was 18 and scared to death.  I say left me, but no he kicked me out.  This time i became the begger, who would do anything, humiliate myself, whatever it took to get him back, because i didn't believe in myself enought to think i could do it without him.  I was so convinced i was better with him than without him.  Then we go on to the third and fouth year, which at the time seemed good to me, but I was on fooling myself.  As long as i didn't bi***ch all the time, and pretty much let him do what ever we seemed the "happy couple"  I believed that he had just been imature, and had to grow up, catch up with me.  I was so wrong.  Off and on, i believe there have been many affairs, but i couldn't love myself enough to see it.  Right before our 7th anniversary he admitted to the second one.  Now i became the numb, bitter, resentful, not caring woman,  I hated him and the world, and i didn't care anymore.  I filed for divorce, i went out, i had a good time, but i still hadn't owned up to my feelings.   Three months later, he convinced me he had "changed"  we went to church together, we talked, we did date nights, and i had almost let the wall down i had built up to protect myself from getting hurt again.  I'd try whatever to atleast beable to reassure myself that there was nothing else i could have done to save my marriage.  Understand i said "everything I could do'  I never put it on him.    The whole time, it was always in my head that he would probably do this again, and what dr. phil says about not investing more than you can lose.  Even thought i was bitter and hateful, and didn't seem to care, i learned that i could take care of myself, and i could do it without him.  I didn't have that fear that if he didn't it again, my life would be over....which was reassuring..  So here i am , one year later from taking him back, and i'm in the same situation, not to my suprise.  For a second there was self pity, and why me, and how stupid are you....then calmly i step back and took a look at what was really happening to me.   I'm 25 years old, I"m an attractived woman, I'm a great mother, and This is probably the best thing he could have ever done to me, or for me.  I only wish i'd had enough belief in my self to do it before he could.     I know i'll be just fine.   I know that over this past year there have been atleast two other women.   I can let him go now.  I deserve so much more and i know as long as i believe in myself i will get it.  He mailed off the divorce papers yesterday, at first i was sad, then i became angry.  NOt at me, but at him.  He doesn't know that i know about the others, and i'll keep it that way for now, because its not going to change anything, and i refuse to put my children through any more hurt.  I want down him in front of them, but that doesn't mean i have to like him.  I know if i keep cool, and never let him back in, that he will get what he deserves, i just have to be patient.      Good luck to all of you in this same situation......THERE IS HOPE 

  

Good for you, God Bless you!  It is funny reading other womens stories it seems so clear, but then we don't see it in our own lives.  Thank goodness that Dr. Phil did this show to help women!  Now you and I can both get on with our lives.  Keri
 
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