Topic : 06/02 "My Annoying Family"

Imassiello, 

I too, have had the divide and conquere mentality experience from my husbands family. At the time I was finishing up my graduate degree and spending ALOT of time studying, and my husband was filling in his time by working out of town and hanging out with his family. We never do well when we spend a lot of time apart by doing our own thing so we try to schedule "Date Night", it's the only night of the week I looked forward to at the time. We had been married about 5 years then and we always went to his sisters house for a weekly visit. Soon I noticed that her kids would be spending time at thier grandmothers on the days we went over to visit.  I mentioned it to Brian but he said it was probably just a coinsedence. I began to notice strange behavoir from his sister and his mother, again Brian said I was being paranoid. So one day his sister called me and asked me when my exams would be over b/c  "the family" is planning a HUGE get together and she wanted to be certain I could attend. At that point I was certain I was making something out of nothing. I gave her the date and left it at that. Well, come to find out she only called to make certain I couldn't come b/c she planned this party the night before my National Board Exam; well obviously I COULDN'T go!! Brian again, said we must look to positive things and was an honest mistake. He thought that until he got there, his family cornered him and he said it was like an "Intervention"; they were trying to convince him to divorce me. Embarrasingly enough, I am less than a Christian Women than my husband is a Christian Man. I am lucky that he has the fear of GOD in him. He was disgusted. Told them about how I had "smelled somthing a brewing" but he would n't hear of it. He quoted them a verse from the Bible "A man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and they shall become thier own family." or something like that. Sure there were MONTHS of no talking to them, many nights of them prank calling us and sending us hate e-mail and threatening phone calls, threats placed on our lives; but we made it through. We had gone through this when he proposed and we knew it was b/c his mother KNEW I was the one...and you know how that goes!  She wasn't the top bananna anymore and she couldn't handle it.   

What I am trying to say is that it's not you, it's them. They have lost control over your relationship with your husband and for the most part lost control over him too and they CAN'T HANDLE IT.  They know they can't control you so if they can control a part of your life, well that just makes thier day. They need to work this insecurity out for themselves. When time has passed and they miss a couple of holidays with your kids, grandma will turn around. It's all about divide and conqure with this type of personality. One family member gets mad at you (usually the sister) and then sucks in the mother and all hell breaks loose! Make grandma spend Christmas without YOU, Your HUSBAND and the KIDS and she'll come around. Before you know it, the sister will be a callin' too. 

My husband will tell you that this decision to cut himself off from his family was really hard. He had to be councled by our pastor on the correct thing to do. Interestingly enough that Sunday's sermon was about "The Man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife..." But your husband has to be on YOUR side no matter what. You and the kids are his family now. Yes, Brian had to grow a set of balls in the process and it wasn't easy but they respect him and our relationship more now. He told them that we are married for LIFE and if they didn't like it, that the next 50 years are going to be long with out them but he has his family..(that's me). He was polite and courteous and very respectful to his family when we had this conversation. He would not allow the matter to get out of control, once they started yelling he said "I love you all, but I cannot be around this toxic behavoir, I need to take my family to a more positive place." And we left.  That was at his sisters christmas day dinner...we spent christmas in this AWEFUL chinese resuraunt! But 3 months later things were back to normal....we ALL learned boundries and respect. We all swallowed some pride that day, but it was a very tearful and loving reunion---this happened just about 2 years ago. 

Keep your head up and your eyes bright. Keep your heart open to  forgiveness on your part and thiers,  and Good Luck. 

I've been working really hard at being "de-bitchified".  It seemed like every "stupid" or "slow" person in the world felt like they had to huddle around me.  I have been trying to be less judgemental and accept people and not consider them to be "annoying". 

I therapist that I used to go to was starting a new group.   I sent him an e-mail requesting to join the group, and asked him to recruit some "annoying" people in so I could practice on them with being less judgemental.  It was light-hearted and he knew it.  He responded with,  "I'm sure that you could find something annoying in just about anybody."  LOL,  he really does know me!   It's going well and my demeaner has greatly improved.  Thankfully, all of the annoying people have stayed away from me.  :) 

I don't know that I am as extreme as Becky, but I can understand her situation. I, too, am often considered too blunt, too loud, too opinionated. I've learned to moderate it for the most part. But there are still times when I say things I can't believe I've just said.  

It took years, even though I suggested it to a doctor almost 30 years ago, but eventually I was diagnosed as bipolar. There is an aspect of mania known as "pressured speech." I found out that often when I notice myself going overboard, I have other symptoms of mania. I sleep less, have more energy, eat less, focus on doing but never complete things.  

I don't consider it an excuse, but it is a disease. Perhaps it's something Becky might want to consider. Of course, I usually have the opposite issues--depression plagues me more often than mania. So, maybe I'm different that Becky in that respect.  

Just a thought . . . 

She made the statement that people were going to talk bad about her even if she was Mary Poppins.  Maybe she won't be liked, accepted, etc. no matter how she behaves so she goes to the extreme.  She doesn't want to face that possibility.  

Lynn  

I don't know what it is with my husband. When he is around my family he has manners and said please and thank you and all that good stuff. Then as soon as he gets around his dad no matter if other people are there or not he suddenly forgets his manners and acts just like his day and never says excuse me or anything. I guess he thinks that since his day doesn't he doesn't have to either. I wonder why this is??