I understand that woman who didn't want to conform to her family's ways. She seemed to be the only one with insight that she took after the dad and not the mother, which I think often happens. I understand her not giving a **** about people who don't like her. Strong personalities of all types, both good and bad, and especially women, will always have about as many detractors as admirers. I have a very good friend who isn't so much potty-mouthed but pulls embarrassing jokes on me and others. When we were younger and we were at a bar, she would grab a guy's butt I was talking to and make it seem like it was me, that sort of thing. I got mad at her, too, because in one instance I really liked the guy and didn't want him to think ill of me. Do I think the woman on Dr. Phil ought to peel it back some though? Well, yes. But I don't disagree with her basic premise. However, below, I have one caution for her and I hope she sees it and thinks about it.
Both my dad and my mom had mild variations of this same affliction. My dad, even though he was pretty old, liked to make dirty jokes to just about anyone. Insinuations. And he was the same way she is about thinking anyone who didn't like it was just a major fuddy-duddy, and he hated conservative people - and that's all there was where we lived! I remember one incident when he came back from the auto mechanic we were all dependent on and had been run off for making those type of comments in front of his teenage son. So you may say, well, I don't care if he liked it or not. But where is your daughter going to get her alternator replaced now??
My mom came from a large family, and I don't know what happened, but she ended up being the brutally honest/no tact one. Looking back and taking into consideration some things Dr. Phil has said, I can see that at times, she was doing what he calls leveling, making herself look better by tearing another person down. So I guess she had some self-esteem issues. Now, she wasn't very social, partly because we lived rural, but I don't know of any incidents where she just lost friends from being blunt. I patterned after her and am still trying to control that aspect of my behavior. It was pretty much the philosophy of if it's true, there's nothing wrong with saying it. It came across as hypercritical.
The caution I want to give to that rowdy woman on the show is that when I've seen this sort of thing become a problem and really hurt people is as the person doing it grows old. After watching my parents grow old and pass on, I think I can safely say that whatever is annoying but a little funny when you are young and vivacious is tensely uncomfortable and comes across as INSANE and mean once you're an old f*rt. It's a very good way to find yourself in front of a judge with your siblings seeking guardianship so they can put you in a nursing home. It's not just that YOU have gotten older, it's that the siblings and friends you are laying into have also gotten older and frail. And maybe they were once able to shoot it right back to you and knew you were just giving them a hard time, but now that they're 80, if you are blunt and point out one of their many foibles, which are all true, it may make them feel even more useless and old and like a failure.
The incident that comes to mind to make me say this was a small one. I believe it was when relatives came over to my mom's and brought food after my father's funeral, if I am recalling correctly. By then my mom's siblings were all in their seventies and eighties, and so was she. Certainly, they had had recipe wars since they were in pinafores on the farm. And these continued through the years, whose cobbler was better, etc. By the time people are elderly, life is a struggle. Baking a cake or even getting out of the house to go sit in someone else's hard chair is a struggle. And yet, all the sisters turned out and brought food. My mom had made a chocolate cake, and one of her sister's brought one as well. And sometime during the afternoon, my mom made a loud triumphant comment about the sister's cake tasting dry. 30 years earlier, there might have been a good-natured hair pulling, but the room just fell silent. I felt very bad for everyone there. You reward people for good behavior, for making the good effort. And the cake was fine, anyway. Just fine.
So I'm saying it's fine to be the rebel and the center of attention, but pick your audience. But most of all, don't let the quick comment become so automatic that you don't weigh it against its target first. Be kind.
(Original Air Date: 11/18/05) Too many of us have that one family member whose rude, crude, obnoxious behavior gets under our skin and annoys us to death. Krista and Kim are sisters married to two brothers who they say are the most annoying husbands on the planet! They talk loudly, make inappropriate sexual comments and take pride in their bodily functions. See what happens when Dr. Phil turns the tables, and these guys get a taste of their own medicine. Then, Becky's daughter and sister say she has a mouth like a sailor and is always embarrassing them. Becky says she's just opinionated, honest and blunt. Will Becky learn to see their point of view and clean up her act? Talk about the show here.
