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Topic : 06/16 Childhood Secrets

Number of Replies: 501
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Created on : Friday, November 18, 2005, 03:38:43 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 11/21/06) Do you have a secret that burns inside of you and you've been hanging onto it since you were a child? Dr. Phil speaks with three sisters whose lives and relationships have been gravely affected by their own childhood secret. Cathy and Micki say their stepfather abused them as children and they want nothing to do with him. But their half-sister, Hollie, says her father has changed and it's time they forgive and forget. Cathy and Micki speak out about what really happened to them as children and why Hollie needs to be concerned. Then, a message from their stepfather has Cathy and Micki outraged. Can these divided women heal their painful pasts and come together as sisters? Talk about the show here.


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November 21, 2005, 7:55 am CST

Where Do You Go Next?

In September I discovered that my children (son age 9, daughter age 7) were doing some pretty serious "experimenting" with each other ... such as oral sex. Warning bells immediately went off in my head as children this age who have not been exposed to violent movies (nothing over PG), or video games (I don't believe in them) should not even be THINKING of things such as oral sex, let alone performing it on each other. I had both children examined by our doctor, and reported the incident to our local child protection services. Through the various interviews that followed I discovered that my son had been sodomized by a friend's 13 year old cousin, and suffered other abuse by his 15 year old step brother. My daughter had been victimized by my son's friend, and also my son. We are all in counseling now, with my children allowed NO contact with their step-brothers or the other children who hurt them. I am just praying that with counseling my children will be able to overcome the trauma they have suffered; and help heal their relationship with each other. There is a lot of anger on my daughter's part, a lot of guilt on my son's part, and a lot of shame on both parts. 

  

When my daughter first told me what her brother had forced her to do, my knee-jerk reaction in my head was to think "NO WAY! My son could NOT have done something like that!" Thankfully, I didn't voice that sentiment and told her that it was such a big problem I would have to think about how to handle it. In the back of my head I could remember my mother re-telling the story of being abused by her stepfather at the age of 4 or 5 years old and how profoundly that affects her to this day. When she told her mother about the abuse, the woman accused my mom of lying, of trying to "steal her husband" and of being a slut. A 4 or 5 year old child. Needless to say, my mother still has a lot of issues surrounding the abuse that continued and I do not want my children to go through that. 

  

Has anyone else had the experience of trying to help their children recover from molestation? Are there any helpful hints or guidance? Thankfully the CPS is providing trained counselors who work with us in our home twice a week, because as a single mother I could not afford counseling. I am on probation now at my employer due to the time I have had to take off to meet with various agencies, school, and doctors. We are about ready to be evicted from our rental house because of the money spent on doctors thus far (plus being off work un-paid to deal with the situation) so that is added stress.  But I'm with them every day, not just twice a week, and would like to know how to help and what not to say. Thanks! 

 
November 21, 2005, 8:02 am CST

11/21 Childhood Secrets

I'm fairly new to this thing.  I've read lots of people's messages and stuff but have never posted before.  I was sexually molested by my brother when I was 8 years old.  I'm now 38 years old and have been in therapy for 2 years now.  I repressed most of my stuff for 30 years.  It was devastating when it finally came out.  My family does not know and I'd like to keep it that way.  I'm not defending my brother for what he did but I think it was a teenage thing at the time and I definitely am angry with him but I don't want to mess up the family by bringing it all out.  I just need to forgive myself and that's it and not worry about the rest.  I've also had trouble in my marriage because I've had lots of sexual problems because of the abuse.  I am very asexual I think but my husband isn't very understanding of what I've been through or am going through.  I do the best I can.  I've come a long way.  I've been suicidal in the past.  My 2 year old daughter at the time saved me because she wouldn't leave me alone.  She stuck by me no matter what so I couldn't do anything.  I've taken lots of prescription pills, Tylenol, Advil, you name it and lots of drinking and I've been slicing my arms repeatedly over the past 2 years but I'm on the mend.  I haven't done anything for going on 4 weeks and I have no intention of starting back up again.  I just need to rewrite the story in my head and remind myself that it wasn't my fault and that I don't have to pay anymore for what my brother did to me. 
 
November 21, 2005, 8:10 am CST

Thank You

I just wanted to thank the Dr. Phil show for the topic discussed on today's show. I felt like Dr. Phil was talking to me today. I was molested by my stepfather.  I told my mother when I was 15 and she didn't believe me. It wasn't until she found out he was cheating on her (2003) that she finally acknowledged what he did to me. I was 34 years old then. As Dr. Phil said, we never get over it, and want acknowledgement from those we love. I guess I wanted action at the same time. My mother wound up staying with her husband (who now sleeps in a different room). Our relationship is astrainged now due to her non-reaction. It was better (or so it seemed) all the years we acted as if it never happened. Anyway, Dr. Phil helped me to realize that I have legitimate feelings. I just feel better after watching the show. Thank you.
 
November 21, 2005, 8:13 am CST

Thank you

Quote From: pattywagon

Recently my daughter revealed (after holding it in for a year and suffering anxiety attacks) that one of her cousins touched her inappropriately.  I had an extremely close relationship with all of my sisters until my daughter revealed this.  [I thank God that my daughter finally spoke up, that alone has helped her immensely.  Unfortunately, my nephew is denying it and  my sister does not believe my daughter........which to me is like adding salt to a wound.  This whole event has effected our entire family.  Other family members, while they might believe it happened, are treating me and acting like I am the one who did wrong by reporting it.  I wanted to deal with it through counseling but my sister never followed through and doing nothing wasn't an option for me or my daughter.  Please help.

I know that must have been so hard for you to confront your sister about this, knowing how close you are. That took COURAGE. And I applaude you for that. Your daughter needs someone to stand up for her and you did it! You gave her that safe place to fall and now she can work toward healing, hopefully. 

  

You would be amazed at how many children have cowered in fear, told their parent(s) and then nothing was ever done. Or the parent refused to believe them. Can you imagine what that's like? 

Thank you for doing what you did. I only hope that your sister wakes up because who knows what else her son's been up to? Denial isn't going to solve anything. 

 
November 21, 2005, 8:17 am CST

HOLLY SMOKE WOMAN!

Quote From: r_u_4real

I GUESS ILL START FROM THE BEGINNING. I CANT REMEMBER HOW YOUNG I WAS WHEN I 1ST. WAS SEXUALLY MOLESTED BUT IT CONTINUED UP UNTIL I WAS ABOUT 16. IT HAPPENED ALOT. MOST OF THE ABUSERS WERE ON MY MOMS SIDE OF THE FAMILY. THERE WERE 4. THEN MY DAD, A GUY FROM SCHOOL AND MY STEPDAD. SO ALL TOGETHER 7. MOM WAS OVERWEIGHT AND VERY ABUSIVE. DAD WAS A SMALL MAN AND SHE USE TO BEAT HIM UP AND TAKE HIS MONEY AND LEAVE US KIDS WITH DAD.  I SPENT THE NIGHT WITH MY MOMS PARENTS AND "LIKE A KID" I GOT SASSY WITH THEM. MY MOM TOOK ME HOME AND MADE ME GET NAKED AND SHE HAD ME LAY ACROSS THE BED AND SHE BEAT ME WITH THE BELT UNTIL I HAD BLEEDING WELPS ALL OVER MY BACK AND LEGS. SHE USE TO SIT ON ME AND HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH A ROLLED UP NEWS PAPER. SHE USE TO TELL ME IF I LIE "ID GET A YELLOW STREAK ON MY BACK AND IF IT WENT ALL THE WAY DOWN MY BACK ID DIE AND BURN IN HELL". MOM CHEATED ON DAD SEVERAL TIMES. WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH MY BROTHER SHE WENT BEHIND THE HOUSE AND TOOK A ROCK AND TRIED TO BEAT MY BROTHER OUT OF HER. DAD DIED OF CANCER WHEN I WAS 15. I TOOK HIS DEATH HARD. "I STILLED LOVED HIM EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING HE DID TO ME, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER". MOM MARRIED MY STEPDAD 3 MTHS. AFTER MY DADS DEATH. I DIDNT LIKE MY STEPDAD,  DIDNT TRUST HIM AND I FELT LIKE IT WAS TO SOON FOR MOM TO REMARRY. HE HAD A SMALL SUITCASE FULL OF PERSCRIPTION & NONPERSCRPTION MEDICATION. HE USE TO OFFER MOM & US KIDS SOME. I NEVER TOOK ANY. I FEEL MY STEPDAD DRUGGED MY MOM & BROTHER. "THEY BOTH WERE MENTAL". HE WOULD VERBABLLY & PHSCIALLY ABUSE ME. "I HATED MY STEPDAD". HE USE TO TELL ME "FORGET ABOUT YOUR DAD. HES A BAG OF BONES AND MAGGOTS ARE EATING HIM UP". I TOOK A OVERDOSE OF PILLS THAT A GUY FROM SCHOOL GAVE ME. MY SISTER FOUND ME AND I ALMOST DIED. I WAS DATING THIS GUY. WE DRANK BEER, GET DRUNK & DO DRUGS. I RAN AWAY FROM HOME AND WENT TO HIS HOUSE. MOM CALLED THE POLICE AND I WAS IN JAIL FOR 4 HRS. "MY GOD I WAS SO SCARED AND AFRAID I CRIED THE WHOLE TIME". MOM & STEPDAD KNEW HOW SCARED I WAS AND THATS WHEN THINGS STARTED GETTING WORSE. I HAD TO DO ANYTHING THEY ASKED OF ME IF I DIDNT THEY WOULD SAY "WHERE GOING TO CALL THE POLICE". THEN I MEET A FRIEND OF MY BROTHER. MY MOM GAVE HIM A 20.00 AND TOLD HIM BUY HER SOME BEER AND FUN. WHEN WED GO OUT ON DATES HED NOTICE ID ACT ALITTLE STRANGE AT TIMES. EVERYTIME I SEEN A POLICE CAR I WOULD DIVE INTO FLOOR BOARD OF PASSENGER SIDE AND START CRYIN AND SAY "THEYVE SENT THE POLICE OUT TO GET ME". SO IT WAS THEN WHEN HE KNEW SOMETHING WAS GOING ON. SO I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING. ONE NIGHT WE WERE LATE GETTIN HOME AND WE WERE WALKIN IN THE DOOR AND MY STEPDAD DIDNT SEE MY BOYFRIEND AND MY STEPDAD WAS GETTIN READY TO HIT ME WITH THE BELT WHEN AND MY BOYFRIEND STEPPED IN FRONT OF ME AND MY STEPDAD PUT THE BELT AWAY. THEY GOT INTO A BIG ARGUEMENT. MY STEPDAD SAID "IM GOING TO CALL THE POLICE AND YOUR GOING BACK TO JAIL". MY BOYFRIEND SAID "GO RIGHT AHEAD. YOU AINT GOING TO CALL THE POLICE, BECAUSE YOUR ABUSING THIS GIRL". STEPDAD WENT TO BED. MY BOYFRIEND SENT ME 12 DOZEN PINK ROSES, BOX OF CHERRY CHOCOLATES, CARD FOR VALENTINES DAY. MY MOM & STEPDAD ATE THE CANDY WHILE I WAS AT SCHOOL. WHEN I CAME HOME THEY GAVE ME THE GIFTS. I WAS UPSET ABOUT THEM EATING THE CANDY. I WOULD HAVE LIKE TO OPEN THE CANDY MYSELF AND I WOULD HAVE SHARED. WE ALL GOT INTO A BIG ARGUEMENT, SO THEY WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT A NEW BOX OF CANDY AND MADE ME EAT THE WHOLE THING. MY STEP DAD HIT ME IN THE SIDE WITH HIS FIST. MY STEPDAD AND I GOT INTO A BIG ARGUEMENT. HE TOLD ME "HE HAD PLANS FOR A FEW OF HIS FRIENDS TO KIDNAP ME AND TAKE ME TO TEXAS". HE SAID "HE WOULD TELL MY FAMILY THAT I RAN AWAY FROM HOME AGAIN, AND THAT THEY WOULD BELIEVE IT BECAUSE I RAN AWAY FROM HOME BEFORE". THANK GOD "THAT NEVER HAPPENED". MOM HAD TO TAKE ME TO THE DR. BECAUSE OF MY SIDE HURTIN & BLEEDING". THE DR. PUT ME IN THE HOSPITAL TO TAKE MY APPENDIX OUT. WHILE ON THE MEDICATION I STARTED "YELLING & SCREAMING. GET HIM OFF OF ME HES HURTING ME ETC.". THE DR. TOOK MY MOM & BOYFRIEND OUT IN THE HALL WAY AND SAID "I DONT WANT HER GOING BACK TO LIVE WITH YOU". MY BOYFRIEND AND & I WERE GOING TO BE GETTIN MARRIED IN A MTH. SO I LIVED WITH HIS PARENTS. "ALTHOUGH WE SLEPT IN DIFFERENT ROOMS". MY KNIGHT IN SHINNING ARMOR>>>"MY HUSBAND". WE WERENT ON SPEAKING TERMS AND DIDNT HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH MY FAMILY. THE ABUSE DIDNT DIDNT STOP THERE. WHEN I WAS 4 MTHS PREGNANT MOM & STEPDAD & SISTER & BROTHER STAGED A KIDNAPPING. THEY ALL WENT AND TORE THE SCREEN OFF MOMS DOOR AND RAN SACKED THE PLACE. MOM DROVE HERSELF OUT OF STATE AND TOOK A ROCK AND HIT HERSELF IN THE HEAD SEVERAL TIMES SO SHE WOULD BLEED, BRUISE AND HAVE A KNOT THEN TIED HERSELF TO A BRIDGE. IN THE MEANTIME THE OTHERS CALLED ME AND TOLD ME MOM WAS KIDNAPPED. I WAS UPSET CRYING ETC. "4 MTHS PREGNANT". SOME PASSER BY STOPPED AND HELPED MOM AND CALLED THE POLICE & AMBULANCE AND TOOK HER TO THE HOSPITAL. THE POLICE QUESTIONED HER SEVERAL TIMES AND EACH TIME SHE TOLD SOMETHING SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. SO THEY KNEW SHE WAS LYING. MOM WAS SCARED AND FINALLY ADMITTED THAT THIS KIDNAPPING WAS STAGED. THE POLICE WAS GOING TO GET THE FEDERAL POLICE INVOLVED SINCE IT WAS A FEDERAL OFFENSE. I DONT KNOW HOW MY STEPDAD DID IT "BUT HE TALKED THE POLICE OUT OF CALLING THE FEDS". THE POLICE DIDNT PRESS NO CHARGES. THEN WE FINALLY ARRIVED AS THE POLICE WAS LEAVING AND THEY TOLD US WHAT MOM DID. "I WAS PREGNANT. I WAS UPSET & WORRIED AND HAD TO MAKE A LONG TRIP OUT OF STATE". MOM & STEPDAD & SISTER THOUGHT THEY WOULD GET MY BROTHER TO GET A DIVORCE. THEY ACTUALLY GOT MY BROTHERS WIFE TO DATE MY STEPDAD ON THE SIDE. NOT ONLY DID MY BROTHER & HIS WIFE GOT A DIVORCE, BUT SO DID MY MOM & STEPDAD. MY STEPDAD LEFT MY MOM FOR BY BROTHERS EXWIFE. MY MOM WAS DATING THIS GUY. MY MOMS BOYFRIEND, MOM AND HER SISTER HAD A SEXUAL 3 SOME. MY MOMS BOYFRIEND LEFT HER FOR HER SISTER. I HATED MY STEPDAD. I JUST HATED HIM. HE GOT CANCER. IM VERY SORRY TO HAVE TO SAY THIS "BUT I WAS GLAD THAT HE CANCER". THEN HE DIED. "I WAS GLAD THAT HE DIED". I TOLD MY MOM, SISTER, BROTHER THAT OUR EXSTEPDAD DIDNT DESEARVE TO BE BURIED. HE NEEDED TO BE PUT ON A TRASH PILE AND LET THE BUZZARDS GET HIM. THEY ALL WENT TO HIS FUNERAL "I DIDNT". I ALSO DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHY THEY WENT. FOR YRS. I HAD SUCH HATERED TOWARDS MY STEPDAD. I BLAMED HIM FOR THE BREAK UP OF MY FAMILY. WELL AFTER ALOT YRS. PASSED "I FINALLY FORGAVE HIM". MY SISTER & MOM HAVE A ROCKY RELATIONSHIP. WE HAD TO PUT MOM IN A NURSING HOME CAUSE SHES GOT ALSHEIMER & SCISOFERNIA. ITS HARD. I GOT ALOT OF QUESTIONS FOR MOM. MY BROTHER ALSO HAS SCISOFERENIA. IM SCARED TO BE AROUND HIM AT TIMES. HE HASNT TAKEN HIS MEDS FOR YRS. AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN HES GOING TO GO OFF. HE ASKED ME THE QUESTION "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BROTHERS & SISTERS HAVING SEX TOGETHER". I TOLD HIM "ITS WRONG". MY SISTER AND I DONT SEE TO MUCH OF EACH OTHER ALTHOUGH WERE TRYIN TO WORK THINGS OUT. WE EMAIL EACH OTHER. EVERYONE TOLD US MY HUSBAND AND I WE WOULDNT MAKE IT 6 MTHS WEVE MADE IT "28 1/2 YRS". WHAT A BLESSING TO HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL HUSBAND. HE HAS STUCK BY ME THROUGH THE HARDS AND GOOD TIMES. HES BEEN A GOOD PROVIDER, HUSBAND, FATHER, GRANDFATHER, HES HONEST AND LOVES HIS FAMILY AND VERY DEVOTED. FOR ALL WHO HAVE BEEN PHYSCIALLY , MENTALLY AND SEXUALLY ABUSED IN ANY WAY. THERES HOPE FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. HANG IN THERE AND TAKE CARE.   

What can I say but,Wow have you been thro the ringer and came out the other side still here on Earth!! Congrats for sticking thro all that you've been thro..you are a true survivior!!
 
November 21, 2005, 8:18 am CST

Striving Hard to Find My Way

I am 21 yrs old and I am striving hard to find my way.  I am trying to deal with a secret that I have kept for 9 years.  I was molested from the time I was 12 till I was 14 by my uncle.  It's difficult for me to think about it.  Sometime it seems as though those two year of my life were a blur, That "I" really didn't exist those two years.  I have come to realize that I definitely existed those two years, because the memories and the fear that the experience created is forever branded in to my mind.  I find myself now trying to deal with those fears and memories.    I hurt love ones and push them away in order to protect myself from every being hurt like this again.  This experience has in a way crippled me because I fear being hurt again so bad that I have never had a boyfriend.  I constantly beat myself up about this because I hurt the people in my life that I love but I can't allow them to get close to me.  I don't know how to regain my trust in people or how to bring down the wall I have created to protect me, the wall that is kill me because it is keeping me away from people I love the most.  I want to heal but where do I start? 

 
November 21, 2005, 8:33 am CST

Been there Myself

My abusers were both my Brothers...but mostly my 2nd eldest brother...he was about 4 years older than me I was about 10 or 11 i think when it all started but the emotinal aspect of it all its hard to remember exactly how old i was at the time. I'm not sure why he did the things he did to me and i don't think i ever will...but we all know that stupid fondling word that was brought up a lot in the show today..well thats what i guess i can say happened to me a lot...i don't like saying that word but i'm not sure what else to say.I don't want to get graphic on how he was doing things to me so i think that word is appropiate. It lasted for about 5 or 6yrs until he went into the army..thank god for that.After he left i told my oldest brother what he did to me and one night he got really drunk and tried to do the same thing to me. I couldn't believe his betrayal! The next day i told him what he had try to do to me and he denied it. H said he was drunk and didn't remember. Well i had started drinking too and knew what the effects of drinking were having on me so i forgave him...so i thought i had.For years and years i have carried around this guilt that i never stopped my brotherone younger brother from doing these things to me cuz i knew what he was doing. I preteneded i was sleeping cuz i was so afraid of him..he would beat me up all the time and i was so small compared to him.I told me Mother what he had done to me and she says she believes me but sometimes i wonder if she really does..everyone knows now after a accidental conversation my mother had with my brother's wife one night...and my brother heard the convo on the other extension's phone. but he never admitted it to me or any other family memeber. Its just out there now like a bad disease. Everytime i have to be near him i feel so weird and ackward i hate it so bad...i feel icky and dirty. i don't even want to touch him. I don't understand how Dr. Phil can hope that i or most of us can ever have our familes come to terms with our abusers when most of our familes just want to sweep it all under the rugs. I do have hope for us out there that maybe someday will we all get our wishes....god speed 

 
November 21, 2005, 8:48 am CST

Ironic

Just yesterday my 37 year old daughter was to meet with her bio father.  K wants to meet with him and his new wife to make sure she is educated and can protect K's young half sister.  She also told me she is struglling with addiction, has no self worth and I am scared she will not get the things she needs to move on.  She has been unemployed for over two years and thinks she is just trash.  Help...Wow  This show was a good depiction.  Her father doesnt understand where K is at and feels this meeting is notnecessary.  I am going to call her and hpe she cancatch this sow this afternnoon.  I fear for her life....  She has a teenager who is struggling to understand what makes his mother so angry and in turn passes the ager to him.  He understand the JODM mood changes, but I am afraid and alone.  I will not be posting anymore, so just pray for us.  Thank you...
 
November 21, 2005, 8:48 am CST

You never just "get over it"

My sweet mama was a victim of what is now known as date rape, when she was 16.  She is now 57 and it stills bothers her.  To tell someone to just "get over it" is such a slap in the face.  Having a family member molest you is the ultimate violation of trust.  I am a mother of 2 little girls and I can't imagine ever turning my back on them after they have already been brutalized by someone. 

  

 
November 21, 2005, 8:49 am CST

light bulb moment

I want to thank Dr. Phil and these courageous sisters. I was molested by my step father starting at age 6. I never told anyone until I was 28 and then my mother took his side. He even admitted he did it but said that I asked for it. Because of my mother, I don't have a really close relationship with my sisters or with my Aunts. I don't even speak to my mother anymore. I just feel like I have to constantly try to make myself heard. It was truly a light bulb moment for me when Dr. Phil said that until my feelings are validated, I will continue to be angry. It's so true. I hate being angry and I hate it that it still affects my life now. How I interact with my husband and how I raise my children is affected. I have to deal with this everyday of my life and even though he died a year ago, he never expressed any remorse or even an apology. All I ever wanted was for my mother or him to acknowledge what had happened to me and say they were sorry. I know that I can't change other people but I sure do wish I still had my family in my life.I do have a wonderful husband of 20 years that has stood beside me through better and worse. I have 2 great, well adjusted kids. I don't know what I would have done without them.I really do hope that these sisters can come together. On a side note to Holly. Don't ever leave your child with your father. You're her mother and the only voice she has. Please don't let her be another victim.
 
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