Topic : 11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours"

I will be sure to watch THIS show. All I heard on the preview was that the new mom feels as if her step-daughter is the "other woman", and that was enough for me. 

  

I have LIVED this nightmare for 18 years, and now, our marriage is over, largely because of the exact same thing. Most mothers will tell you that the kids come first no matter what, but if you haven't ever walked this, you have no idea what it is like. 

  

I hope that other step-moms will step up to the plate and tell their stories. Kids can be so cruel and manipulative in situations like this, and it doesn't get better as they grow older. Most of the time it just gets worse. 

  

Hoping for some valuable insight from Dr. Phil and others, 

  

Debi 

I can relate to what you are saying and what this show is about.  My husband has full custody of his dtr and she is manipulative towards him and I feel bad saying this but its almost she likes us to argue and trys to get us to.  She gets jealous when he sits on the couch with me, by me, touches me and wants him to immedialtly stop and go sit with her and if he dont she will say, "u dont like me". to try to put a guilt trip on him.  We have her 24/7, but he is my husband and we never have time alone.  She does more but I think you get my point.  I have a child prior who lives with us but doesnt act like this. 

yeah, i am actually on this show. i'm part of the second family, the oldest daughter. the other family that was on the show, i felt so bad for the step-mother. if i ever did that to my step-mom, i'd hope she'd outright slap me.

I am definately watching this show, got the VCR set to tape in case Hubby isn't around.... I've been married for 2 yrs, we have full custody of H's two teenage daughters... the oldest one is great, very supportive, follows the rules, very respectful.  The youngest one is causing major problems with my H and I.  We didn't talk for 3 days bc he went against something that I had done.  I told him he could look after EVERYTHING from now on... I don't expect my H to chose me over his kids, not by any means.  I expect him to support me as a co-parent when I lay down the rules for the kids, and he doesn't.  My rule is that the kids set the table and load/unload dishwasher every night - ONLY RULE... and instead he will set the table because it's easier than asking them to do it.  It makes me feel angry and worthless when I'm trying to teach the kids responsibility and self-accomplishment.  Why am I good enough for the kid to come to me for money for school/lunches, to help look for lost articles of clothing and do laundry, etc... yet I don't get any say when it comes to raising them?  The youngest has no consequences for her actions... bc she's daddy's baby and all she has to do is call him daddy or suck up to him and he melts like she's a new born. 

We don't have any children together and I don't know if we ever will.  I had fertility testing while we were in the "not talking" mode... and he didn't even call or email to ask how it went.   

I feel like saying to my step daughter & H.... I will leave so your daughter will be happy.  She wants us to split up...  she doesn't want you to love me... she makes me feel like I'm impeding on her relationship with her dad. 

system shut down & depressed... that's how I feel....  I'm not HAPPY and hanging on every word my H says anymore.  It's like my H is punishing me for disciplining the daughter... however when he's out of town working he tells the kids "whatever she tells you to do is just like I'm telling you to do it... I want you to follow the rules, go to bed when she says, etc"... then turns around and does the opposite of the rules, so everyone's confused.  He just can't believe that she would be manipulating him, blames it on her "age"... however she brags about disrespecting me behind daddy's back to her older sister, mother, and in her diary. 

Every time she gets in trouble from our household, she calls her mother and cries, then the mother yells at my H.  So he could be trying to avoid having that happen, and instead I get a spoiled rotten step child to live with.  The older child is sick of it bc she gets grounded and follows the rules, and the younger one doesn't.  I'd be mad too!   

I don't know what to do... to go to individual counselling ($$) or what.  Makes me wonder if this was an issue with him and his xw as well, or if it's just me since I didn't give birth to them.  I'm not doing anything differently than I would with my own kids... I hear my mother so often in something I say to them...  I don't think that's a bad thing. 

I'm just banking on H & I both getting something out of tomorrow's Dr. Phil show. 

  

You can’t blame the evil step kids; the bottom line is the parent sets the tone for the relationship.  If kids are walking all over the stepparent then the parent is 100% responsible.  Stepparents cannot enforce rules or enforce discipline that is the parent's responsibility.   A parent who will not ensure their kid's treat their stepparent with respect is doomed to repeat another failed marriage.  Any parent who brings in a stepparent in to their kids lives has to accept responsibility for ensuring that both the kids and stepparent are capable of handling the changes to their lives.  

  

I don't know why people remarry when they have teens anyway.  Why not wait until the kids move out? 

 

And who has time to date and fall in love if they are focused on raising kids anyway? 

I truly did not know other people were having my exact same problem. I've been married for two years and I just don't know what to do. If I would have known my husband's love was so conditional based on two very angry children's approval, I never would have gotten into this mess. We have gotten to the point that I finally made the decision that I can no longer be a part of the children's lives because they are such a negative influence on my health and marriage. Sometimes I think at least if I left, I'd get out alive. I'm dying a slow death being in this house and marriage with such unsupportive and angy people. I want to chose me.  

  

I don't want to complain, I want some "real" advice that works. Please Dr. Phil, is it really as hopeless as it seems? Please keep in mind that in my case, my husband will absolutely not help. 

I will be watcing this one and coming back here for more discussions.  I feel like my SD would be happier if me and my kids were gone too.  I'm hoping to get some insight from this show.

I agree that parents need to, "set the tone".  This is not always posssable when the daughter lives with you and you are the only mother she knows and she still continues to act this way and be jealous of the very little time my H and I have together or share sitting by one another.  I also enforce rules and guidelines but when it comes to her dad and I she gets jealous and it seems he is in denial or something.  It's not fair to our relationship or me.  She is only 6 but old enough to know what she is doing and we both give her love and meet all her needs.  Her bio mother is not in the picture per her choice.