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Topic : 11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours"

Number of Replies: 174
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Created on : Friday, November 18, 2005, 03:40:19 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Falling in love is easy. Falling in love with your new spouse's kids is not so easy. Actor Dennis Quaid, co-star of the new movie "Yours, Mine & Ours," joins Dr. Phil. He talks about how being a dad helped him prepare for his role as a man dealing with the difficulties of blending a family. Then, Juli says her stepdaughter, Samantha, makes her feel like the other woman. Her husband, Mark, says that Samantha is his best friend. Will Juli's jealousy tear their new family apart? Then, they have two dogs, two cats, four fish and six kids. Meet two parents blending their chaotic family under one very small roof.  Join the discussion.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

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November 22, 2005, 6:46 am CST

Why do I feel so guilty

I'm with a man who I've actually known since I was three...I had been on my own to 10 years with my two kids...he had left his wife about 4 years ago - we've been together for the last 3.  My kids were very apprehensive at the beginning - actually were very mean.  It was hard but today my kids love him very much, my daughter says it's like he's always been in our lives.  He has 3 kids - two daughters 15, 21 & 19 year old son.  They loved me at the beginning - I had said this wasn't normal, it didn't feel normal and it wasn't.  Today I have the best relationship with the 14 year old (I think) but the 21 year old - once she realized I wasn't leaving things began to breakdown.  The son is living on his own - both daughters now live with their mother.  There is such bad history now between me and the 21 year old...incredibly hurtful things have been said.  Huge falling out with her Dad but they are now trying to rebuild their relationship.  I want them to - I actually encouraged it.  But it has to be done without my involvement.  I strangely feel jealous about this.  Why??    They are building relationship based on excluding me.  My fiance says and has said very publicly - that he loves me and nothing and no one is going to come between us.  Why do I feel so insecure?  I hate feeling this way.  I'm not dealing with a kid - I'm dealing with another women and someone who is very manipulative.  I need to get past this...how?
 
November 22, 2005, 6:55 am CST

11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours”

I am also going to tape this show, and perhaps pass it on to my boyfriend. Kids are our number one fight. I've told him that he loves me but is "in love" with his children. We eat chicken thighs but when his girls come over, it is Chicken cordon bleu. As with other messengers, I too have only one request is that the dishes are put away from the dishwasher at that, but he would rather do this for the 15 year old as he does not see them often enough. I feel they need to make a contribution to our house, if nothing else to feel a part of this home. I too feel like the other woman when the 15 year old is wearing his shirts and lounge pants as she continously forgets her own. Isn't it my job to snuggle into the scent of my boyfriend's clothing? Yes kids are number one, but not all the time! 

I wish I could of got on this episode, because I could go on and on. 

 
November 22, 2005, 8:06 am CST

Yours Mine Ours AND Theirs

When I remarried 16 years ago, I had 3 boys, 6,9,12, he had a girl, 8. One of our wedding gifts from his daughter was a picture of me, complete with a witcheds hat!! It was tough, as he had her every weekend, pick her up Fri after school in another town, and bring her home the next day. Way too much driving around. My boys would go to their dad every OTHER weekend from Fri to Sunday. We didn't have any time alone. He finally changed her visits to coinside with my boys schedule. Flash forward...we decided to have our "OWN", so we had 2 girls in 92 and 94. At one point we had his niece (then 5) live with us for 18 months...yes we had 8 people in the house..6 kids!!! 

Flash forward to this past spring...my 3 boys have left the nest..his daughter is married and in WI, we are a little happy family!!! We get a call from his sister, she has screwed up again and can we take the kids for the weekend...they are girl now 12 and boy 14. Ok we say....now it is Thanksgiving and there are still here! And will be for the rest of their growing up! Parents have many issues and can't take care of these kids. So now we have 11,12,13,14yr olds...interesting. The boy came with many emotional issues, but has come a long way in 4-1/2 months. Amazing what a little good parenting can do. He came after missing over 80 days of school last year..this time he hasn't missed  a day!! Are we stressed...some days. But all in all we work together. I am the stricter of the 2 of us. He is a softy, together we do get results. We are relocating to a larger house. Having kids this age, they really need space, it was easier when the girls were 4,5,6 and all living in the same room. We will be okay! Patience, and lots of the Un Game!! 

  

  

 
November 22, 2005, 8:31 am CST

Combined families are hard

We have a his, mine & ours household. My problem is not really with his daughter, she's very polite and does what i ask. My problem is with him! He thinks that she is this perfect angel that she does no wrong and that she doesn't do things to provoke my 5yr old. He has told me several times that she would NEVER provoke a situation and i keep telling him that she is a kid. Kids do things behind your back and they are normal (which includes picking fights). We have been into HUGE fights over this because he thinks that she is so perfect that she does no wrong. All i ask of him is that he treats her the same way he treats my 5yr old. He is very strict on my daughter and says that my daughter has turned his daughter into a kid that provokes. I am constantly throwing out the age difference mine is 5 and yours is 11, that is such a big difference in maturity level. Recently he got proved wrong because his daughter tripped mine and when he asked her why she did it, she said she didn't know. I told him my point had been proved and he tried to turn it onto my daughter saying she must have done something first. He fails to see that his kid is just a kid and that she will fall short of perfection, several times through out life. I dont know that we will ever get these parenting differences solved! 

 
November 22, 2005, 8:49 am CST

Really sound like you are blaming the 6 year old to me.

Quote From: nurse_05

I agree that parents need to, "set the tone".  This is not always posssable when the daughter lives with you and you are the only mother she knows and she still continues to act this way and be jealous of the very little time my H and I have together or share sitting by one another.  I also enforce rules and guidelines but when it comes to her dad and I she gets jealous and it seems he is in denial or something.  It's not fair to our relationship or me.  She is only 6 but old enough to know what she is doing and we both give her love and meet all her needs.  Her bio mother is not in the picture per her choice.   

  

  

  

I may be miss reading your post be it appears to me you are blaming the 6 year old.  It is not the 6 year old that is the problem here.   It is the parenting.  As young as she is and with out the influnce of another adult there is no reason you cannot fully parent this child.  She is doing what works for her.  If you don't like something she is doing then you need to change how you react to it.  Your the only mother this little girl has and she needs a mother that loves her unconditionally.   

  

I suggest you AND YOUR HUSBAND read the book  

How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!

by Sal Severe 

 
November 22, 2005, 8:54 am CST

Way go go Barbara!

Quote From: mspeaches

yeah, i am actually on this show. i'm part of the second family, the oldest daughter. the other family that was on the show, i felt so bad for the step-mother. if i ever did that to my step-mom, i'd hope she'd outright slap me.
Barbara is my cousin and I'm very happy that Dr. Phil was able to help you.  Giving your family those gifts was unbelievable and you guys deserve it.  Enjoy!  Carol
 
November 22, 2005, 9:26 am CST

blended family blues

My Daughter is expecting a baby at the end of Jan and I am trying to fit in with her plans I recently told her that I may be able to come and visit her for the holidays and I wanted to know if it would be inconvenient for them if I did come. She sent me an e-mail explaining to me that she had talked things over with her husband and they have decided that it would be great for me to come for Christmas and that I could just stay until the baby is born since I at this time do not have a job and she needs the help. I am recently married just had my first year anniversary and my husband has just gotten a new job and we have just moved and are getting settled in the new area as well as I am planning on looking for work as soon as possible. I informed my daughter that this idea was not going to work out for me or my husband and that I am currently looking for work and that it would be to long for me to be away from home. She sent me a very nasty e-mail back telling me that she is more important than my husband and that I am neglecting her. I pointed out to her that her husband should be the most important one at this time. This has made her even more angry towards me to the point she will not talk to me and has started to send emails to my mother that I am emotionally unstable and in need of help because of my bad past. I am now angry at her and do not want to communicate with her at this point because I believe that I should also be allowed to enjoy and have my life with my new husband the way that I want too and that all I want from her is that we can be happy for each other. I am so angry and sad and mad and hurt all at the same time.  

I quilted her a baby blanket and her response was “we are actually amazed that you did anything” So this is very difficult for me to hear. Then I start thinking about her in-laws who have quite a lot of money and do every thing for the kids that they ask for. I believe that I am in competition with her in-laws. And it is just unrealistic for me to compete with them nor do I feel I should.  

 
November 22, 2005, 9:52 am CST

Parents cannot expect kids to be little adults

Quote From: nurse_05

I agree that parents need to, "set the tone".  This is not always posssable when the daughter lives with you and you are the only mother she knows and she still continues to act this way and be jealous of the very little time my H and I have together or share sitting by one another.  I also enforce rules and guidelines but when it comes to her dad and I she gets jealous and it seems he is in denial or something.  It's not fair to our relationship or me.  She is only 6 but old enough to know what she is doing and we both give her love and meet all her needs.  Her bio mother is not in the picture per her choice.   

  

  

  

When the issues of blended families comes up it always frustrates me that all of the adults involved don't ever stop to consider that the kids never asked to have a step-parent, a new mom, a new dad, new siblings. The adults are the ones that made the decisions and should have thought things through BEFORE putting their kids in such a situation.  

  

Expecting a six year old to not act out is ridiculous - she does "know what she is doing" - all she knows is that she has needs that are not being met. If her Bio mother has left her, she has abandonment issues - even if you think you are the only mother she has ever known. It is your job to help her understand her feelings, to expess her emotions and to deal with the loss of her mother. It is your job to find a way to make the relationship work - not hers! Your needs are secondary and need to be met by your husband, not the kids.  

  

I had a step - parent and can truly say that even at 13 I didn't have the tools I needed to deal with the situation. I can't imagine being a step-child at 6... 

  

 
November 22, 2005, 9:57 am CST

you can't expect your husband to chose between his kids and you

Quote From: ghachey

I truly did not know other people were having my exact same problem. I've been married for two years and I just don't know what to do. If I would have known my husband's love was so conditional based on two very angry children's approval, I never would have gotten into this mess. We have gotten to the point that I finally made the decision that I can no longer be a part of the children's lives because they are such a negative influence on my health and marriage. Sometimes I think at least if I left, I'd get out alive. I'm dying a slow death being in this house and marriage with such unsupportive and angy people. I want to chose me.  

  

I don't want to complain, I want some "real" advice that works. Please Dr. Phil, is it really as hopeless as it seems? Please keep in mind that in my case, my husband will absolutely not help. 

your husband's children obviously have some very difficult issues to deal with and it sounds like he has not done a very good job of helping them through the issues.  

  

The children's job is not to support you. If you aren't going to step up and help them in a productive way, then leave them alone so they can have a chance to have some peace in their house.  

 
November 22, 2005, 10:04 am CST

Do what you know is right - for you.

Quote From: iktomiweb

My Daughter is expecting a baby at the end of Jan and I am trying to fit in with her plans I recently told her that I may be able to come and visit her for the holidays and I wanted to know if it would be inconvenient for them if I did come. She sent me an e-mail explaining to me that she had talked things over with her husband and they have decided that it would be great for me to come for Christmas and that I could just stay until the baby is born since I at this time do not have a job and she needs the help. I am recently married just had my first year anniversary and my husband has just gotten a new job and we have just moved and are getting settled in the new area as well as I am planning on looking for work as soon as possible. I informed my daughter that this idea was not going to work out for me or my husband and that I am currently looking for work and that it would be to long for me to be away from home. She sent me a very nasty e-mail back telling me that she is more important than my husband and that I am neglecting her. I pointed out to her that her husband should be the most important one at this time. This has made her even more angry towards me to the point she will not talk to me and has started to send emails to my mother that I am emotionally unstable and in need of help because of my bad past. I am now angry at her and do not want to communicate with her at this point because I believe that I should also be allowed to enjoy and have my life with my new husband the way that I want too and that all I want from her is that we can be happy for each other. I am so angry and sad and mad and hurt all at the same time.  

I quilted her a baby blanket and her response was “we are actually amazed that you did anything” So this is very difficult for me to hear. Then I start thinking about her in-laws who have quite a lot of money and do every thing for the kids that they ask for. I believe that I am in competition with her in-laws. And it is just unrealistic for me to compete with them nor do I feel I should.  

Your daughter sounds like she is well cared for so you shouldn't have to worry about that.  Probably if she was on her own about to have a baby or life wasn't going well - your decision may have been somewhat different.  But at what point in our lives is it okay for us to make decisions without feeling the weight of our children.  Good for you that you found someone to share your life with, good for you that you have someone that cares about you and that being away from for too long is an issue...good for you.  Sad, but some people have to actually live through situations to have an understanding towards others.  I would never wish upon anyone to be a single parent or be alone but sometimes people have to actually live it to understand it and realize the difference of having or not having.  You live life for you now.  Take care of you.  Continue loving your daughter and letting her know you do.  Her thoughts will mature as she does. 

 
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