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Topic : 11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours"

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Created on : Friday, November 18, 2005, 03:40:19 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Falling in love is easy. Falling in love with your new spouse's kids is not so easy. Actor Dennis Quaid, co-star of the new movie "Yours, Mine & Ours," joins Dr. Phil. He talks about how being a dad helped him prepare for his role as a man dealing with the difficulties of blending a family. Then, Juli says her stepdaughter, Samantha, makes her feel like the other woman. Her husband, Mark, says that Samantha is his best friend. Will Juli's jealousy tear their new family apart? Then, they have two dogs, two cats, four fish and six kids. Meet two parents blending their chaotic family under one very small roof.  Join the discussion.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

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November 22, 2005, 10:06 am CST

11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours”

Quote From: lh2000

You can’t blame the evil step kids; the bottom line is the parent sets the tone for the relationship.  If kids are walking all over the stepparent then the parent is 100% responsible.  Stepparents cannot enforce rules or enforce discipline that is the parent's responsibility.   A parent who will not ensure their kid's treat their stepparent with respect is doomed to repeat another failed marriage.  Any parent who brings in a stepparent in to their kids lives has to accept responsibility for ensuring that both the kids and stepparent are capable of handling the changes to their lives.  

  

I don't know why people remarry when they have teens anyway.  Why not wait until the kids move out? 

 

And who has time to date and fall in love if they are focused on raising kids anyway? 

I understand that my H is responsible for setting the tone for the relationship.  He doesn't - so she knows what she can get away with.  As the step-parent, I am the head of the household for 80% of their daily lives while their dad is at work. 

Not sure why people remarry when they have teens? LOVE.  The kids weren't teens when we started dating 6 years ago.  I don't have any children of my own, and we have discussed having a child together.  The kids just moved in with us 2 months AFTER we got married... so I didn't have the full scope of how the relationship would play out in the day to day living with the kids underfoot. 

 
November 22, 2005, 10:09 am CST

Imature "Adult" Step-Kids

I am writing because this topic hits home.  My mom lost her husband, my dad, over 5 years ago.  She remarried a couple years after his loss to a GREAT father of two.  He was divorced for several years prior to their marriage.  At this point, his children are both in their 30's.  His son has a family and two children of his own, and his daughter is a single mother of one.  Ever since they started dating their children have treated my mom horribly, as well as their father.  My step-father raised these children when their mother walked out on them and did everything to care for his granddaughter when his daughter got pregnant. 

 

My mom has made every effort to be a part of their life and has even confronted them, but they don't get it.  They are very cold and his son won't even talk to his father anymore...for NO reason.  He just keeps spreading rumors about his father.  Don't you think they would be happy to see that their father is happy?  His ex-wife is remarried, why do they still talk to her? 

 

Any suggestions on what to do when the step kids are grown.  I know this tears my step father apart, as he is missing out on his grandkids growing up.  Any advice would be much appreciated.  In a nice way, I wish they knew what it is like to lose a parent, but they are so cold that I don't even know if that would make a difference.  It just hurts because I know my mom thinks that if they wouldn't have gotten married, he would still have his family. 

 

Thank you all. 

 
November 22, 2005, 10:16 am CST

fathers, daughters and step moms

I'm posting this for all the step moms who feel like the "other women" because their husband's relationship with their daughter.  Please be a little understanding of the daughter's position.   

I haven't seen the show yet, but the situation between Mark, Juli and his daughter Samantha seemed so similar ours when I was 12 that I had to write.   

  

A father who becomes so close to his daughter that he treats her as his companion instead of his child, is doing damage to the daughter.  He is taking away her role as daughter and his role as a father and changing their relationship into something else.  From what I've seen in others and from what I feel about my past relationship with my father, the father is creating this "close" relationship not because he loves the daughter so much, but because he's lonely.  He is using the daughter to fill the place that the adult women should fill.  The step mom or girl friend should be the father's confidant, late night companion and the person to share private jokes with, not the daughter.   

  

The daughter, most likely, loves the extra attention and the privileged position she is given.  What kid wouldn't?  A divorce can be a very lonely, painful, confusing experience for a child.  Where you once had a whole family, now it is broken.  You are often left feeling vulnerable and somehow "less" than before.  If your father offers you a relationship appears to  fills that void, you take it. 

  

Of course, this causes problems for any women who enters the picture ( it often causes problems for the daughter's future relationships with men but that's a different story).  The father already has a "significant other"; his daughter. 

  

I'm certainly not saying that all fathers who are close to their daughters are crossing the line.  I think that most fathers respect their daughters and treat them as daughters should be treated, not like companions, but like their children.  I just remember how it often was when my father dated other women.  My father treated me as an adult companion.  He talked to me about adult subjects, took me to adult movies,  let me stay up till when ever I wanted to.  When other women entered the picture, they, in a way, viewed me as another women.  I can't tell you how creepy this feels to the girl in that situation, even though the reason it feels creepy, is something you can't put a finger on at that age.  

  

So, I guess what I want to say is, if you are a women in this situation, please do not think of the daughter as another women you have to compete with.  She is a child who needs her father to set rules, guide her, and hopefully establish a healthy relationship with an adult women so she can have a good example of a relationship when she becomes an adult and seeks a companion of her own. 

  

  

  

 
November 22, 2005, 10:20 am CST

Show TODAY

I've been speaking with my H and we are watching the show together today ;))))) 

I really want a resolution... want him to see my side, without making him feel like he's 

got all the responsibility of trying to make everyone in the household happy.   

 
November 22, 2005, 10:57 am CST

i am going through it to

Quote From: danawat

I'm posting this for all the step moms who feel like the "other women" because their husband's relationship with their daughter.  Please be a little understanding of the daughter's position.   

I haven't seen the show yet, but the situation between Mark, Juli and his daughter Samantha seemed so similar ours when I was 12 that I had to write.   

  

A father who becomes so close to his daughter that he treats her as his companion instead of his child, is doing damage to the daughter.  He is taking away her role as daughter and his role as a father and changing their relationship into something else.  From what I've seen in others and from what I feel about my past relationship with my father, the father is creating this "close" relationship not because he loves the daughter so much, but because he's lonely.  He is using the daughter to fill the place that the adult women should fill.  The step mom or girl friend should be the father's confidant, late night companion and the person to share private jokes with, not the daughter.   

  

The daughter, most likely, loves the extra attention and the privileged position she is given.  What kid wouldn't?  A divorce can be a very lonely, painful, confusing experience for a child.  Where you once had a whole family, now it is broken.  You are often left feeling vulnerable and somehow "less" than before.  If your father offers you a relationship appears to  fills that void, you take it. 

  

Of course, this causes problems for any women who enters the picture ( it often causes problems for the daughter's future relationships with men but that's a different story).  The father already has a "significant other"; his daughter. 

  

I'm certainly not saying that all fathers who are close to their daughters are crossing the line.  I think that most fathers respect their daughters and treat them as daughters should be treated, not like companions, but like their children.  I just remember how it often was when my father dated other women.  My father treated me as an adult companion.  He talked to me about adult subjects, took me to adult movies,  let me stay up till when ever I wanted to.  When other women entered the picture, they, in a way, viewed me as another women.  I can't tell you how creepy this feels to the girl in that situation, even though the reason it feels creepy, is something you can't put a finger on at that age.  

  

So, I guess what I want to say is, if you are a women in this situation, please do not think of the daughter as another women you have to compete with.  She is a child who needs her father to set rules, guide her, and hopefully establish a healthy relationship with an adult women so she can have a good example of a relationship when she becomes an adult and seeks a companion of her own. 

  

  

  

today i recorded this show and tonight I am going to sit down with my husband and explain to him for the first time what I am feeling if things don't change i feel i will just have to leave i can not take it any more so to the women that was on the show today you let me know that i am not alone and and the courage to bring this topic up and resolve it. 

 
November 22, 2005, 11:04 am CST

11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours”

Quote From: danawat

I'm posting this for all the step moms who feel like the "other women" because their husband's relationship with their daughter.  Please be a little understanding of the daughter's position.   

I haven't seen the show yet, but the situation between Mark, Juli and his daughter Samantha seemed so similar ours when I was 12 that I had to write.   

  

A father who becomes so close to his daughter that he treats her as his companion instead of his child, is doing damage to the daughter.  He is taking away her role as daughter and his role as a father and changing their relationship into something else.  From what I've seen in others and from what I feel about my past relationship with my father, the father is creating this "close" relationship not because he loves the daughter so much, but because he's lonely.  He is using the daughter to fill the place that the adult women should fill.  The step mom or girl friend should be the father's confidant, late night companion and the person to share private jokes with, not the daughter.   

  

The daughter, most likely, loves the extra attention and the privileged position she is given.  What kid wouldn't?  A divorce can be a very lonely, painful, confusing experience for a child.  Where you once had a whole family, now it is broken.  You are often left feeling vulnerable and somehow "less" than before.  If your father offers you a relationship appears to  fills that void, you take it. 

  

Of course, this causes problems for any women who enters the picture ( it often causes problems for the daughter's future relationships with men but that's a different story).  The father already has a "significant other"; his daughter. 

  

I'm certainly not saying that all fathers who are close to their daughters are crossing the line.  I think that most fathers respect their daughters and treat them as daughters should be treated, not like companions, but like their children.  I just remember how it often was when my father dated other women.  My father treated me as an adult companion.  He talked to me about adult subjects, took me to adult movies,  let me stay up till when ever I wanted to.  When other women entered the picture, they, in a way, viewed me as another women.  I can't tell you how creepy this feels to the girl in that situation, even though the reason it feels creepy, is something you can't put a finger on at that age.  

  

So, I guess what I want to say is, if you are a women in this situation, please do not think of the daughter as another women you have to compete with.  She is a child who needs her father to set rules, guide her, and hopefully establish a healthy relationship with an adult women so she can have a good example of a relationship when she becomes an adult and seeks a companion of her own. 

  

  

  

A father who becomes so close to his daughter that he treats her as his companion instead of his child, is doing damage to the daughter.   

  

Thank you for posting.  I was thinking the exact same thing. I was really surprised that Dr. Phil didn't make that the focus of a show.  Using your son or daughter as an emotional "spouse" after divorce or widowhood IS abuse. I see LOTS of parents who do it too. 

  

But I also recognise that once this kind of sick relationship has  developed, pointing fingers won't fix it.  The family has to be restructured and reoriented. 

 
November 22, 2005, 11:06 am CST

11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours”

I have been with a wonderful man for two and a half years and we each have two children (mine - 13 & 14, his 8 & 10) from previous relationships. He is a wonderful father to his, and for mine he is a great male role model.  His 2 live full time with their mother with unscedualed visitation (at her whim). His life revolves around his children and it is a wonderful trait for him to posses. We argue more when his 2 are with us. My problem is the favortism that occurs when the kids are all together with us. His don't follow the rules of the house on the littlest things, but mine are lectured until their eyes are glazed over; holidays are put on hold so we can share them together, eliminateing any tradition that has been developed in my childerns lives and their is a concideralbe age gap in the two sets that is making the blending of our families extremely difficult. I'm at a loss and find myself dreading the time when we are all to be together. 

  

 
November 22, 2005, 11:09 am CST

Our blended family

Wow, there are other families like mine going throught the exact same situations as my own.  I did get to watch part of the show today but had to leave mid-way through the show.  My situation is I have two children 13 yr old daughter and 9 year old son.  My daughter lives with me and my fiance and my son lives with his father.  My fiance has two children from a prior relationship 12yr old daughter and 16 yr old son, both live with their mother.  The problems that I'm facing since we have combined our homes and I moved to his hometown to be with him, is that ever since me and my daughter came here to live, his children have treated me differently.  Their mom is a huge problem in our relationship and constantly saying he spends more time with my children than his own and that ever since getting involved with me, that he thinks I'm all that (I do not act like this) I love his children as much as my own.  He pays just as much attention to his children as he does mine when they are over every other weekend.  The difference is my daughter lives with us and she's going to be there all the time.  My children are ok with my relationship to him and they love him dearly, but I'm not getting the same treatment from his kids.  His daughter  is angry that they don't spend time together like they used to because he is with me now.  We have tried to explain to her that we all are a family now and we are going to do things together like families do.  He was single for 3 years after their mom and him split up, and alot of attention went to his son and daughter because he stayed single and they did alot of things together, but they (mostly their mom ) is giving him grief because he needs to spend as much time as he used to with them ALONE, not with me.  There was never an issue before me and my daughter moved in with him, but now, I almost feel the tension and jealousy and the hate towards me and my daughter.  I don't want my daughter to feel because she lives with us that he doesn't  spend time with his own children like he should because he really does, it's just different now, because he has a family and he cannot just drop everything when they call and go do it.  Both of us work and he's at home with my children until I get home.  The mother is really involving her self more than I think she should. She has called be vulgor names in front of mine and her children.  I have been nothing but nice to her, handing down my daughters clothing to her for his daughter to help her out.  She will call the kids when their with us 10 times a day, and the daughter has said before, that mom does it to see where were at and what we are doing.  My opinion is if its an emergency I understand, but that's taking it a bit far to intrude on our weekends that we have with the kids.  I don't believe its any of her business what we are doing on our weekends, we don't call her when she has them.  I feel that because he is happy with me and we are going to get married and have another child of our own, that his children and their mother is upset and doesn't want that to happen.  BUT, their mother is living with a male figure and they don't have problems.  Why is it not ok for dad?  Myself and their dad have had numerous conversations about this and we want to stay together and not let the children ruin it for us, but this is so hard and frustrating for me.  How do I get through this?  Any suggestions ANYBODY???????   

  

Thanks, 

April 

 
November 22, 2005, 11:17 am CST

Clarification

Quote From: shrimpety

your husband's children obviously have some very difficult issues to deal with and it sounds like he has not done a very good job of helping them through the issues.  

  

The children's job is not to support you. If you aren't going to step up and help them in a productive way, then leave them alone so they can have a chance to have some peace in their house.  

I'm not asking him to choose, I'm asking him to handle his own angry kids. I "stepped up" for five years and that is too long to give and give without ever getting so much as a hug or respective word. I disagree that the children should not be supportive - I expect children that I support and break my back to raise to be contributing, supportive members of our family if they want to continue living in my house. If they don't like it, they should go live with their mother (which they don't want to do because she is too poor).  

  

Lastly, I did not cause them to not have "peace" in their lives. Their problems were here long before I got here and will be here long after I leave. At this point, I'm not sad about being the second woman in their lives who couldn't take their crap. I'm sad that I have to lose the love of my life in order to get any peace for myself.  

 
November 22, 2005, 11:21 am CST

I HEAR YOU

Quote From: cdnapple

I understand that my H is responsible for setting the tone for the relationship.  He doesn't - so she knows what she can get away with.  As the step-parent, I am the head of the household for 80% of their daily lives while their dad is at work. 

Not sure why people remarry when they have teens? LOVE.  The kids weren't teens when we started dating 6 years ago.  I don't have any children of my own, and we have discussed having a child together.  The kids just moved in with us 2 months AFTER we got married... so I didn't have the full scope of how the relationship would play out in the day to day living with the kids underfoot. 

I am in the exact same situation. Exactly. You couldn't have said it any better. 

  

Do we have any options? 

 
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