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Topic : 11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours"

Number of Replies: 174
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Created on : Friday, November 18, 2005, 03:40:19 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Falling in love is easy. Falling in love with your new spouse's kids is not so easy. Actor Dennis Quaid, co-star of the new movie "Yours, Mine & Ours," joins Dr. Phil. He talks about how being a dad helped him prepare for his role as a man dealing with the difficulties of blending a family. Then, Juli says her stepdaughter, Samantha, makes her feel like the other woman. Her husband, Mark, says that Samantha is his best friend. Will Juli's jealousy tear their new family apart? Then, they have two dogs, two cats, four fish and six kids. Meet two parents blending their chaotic family under one very small roof.  Join the discussion.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

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November 22, 2005, 11:31 am CST

You need to change your approach

Quote From: aprilrw28

We have a his, mine & ours household. My problem is not really with his daughter, she's very polite and does what i ask. My problem is with him! He thinks that she is this perfect angel that she does no wrong and that she doesn't do things to provoke my 5yr old. He has told me several times that she would NEVER provoke a situation and i keep telling him that she is a kid. Kids do things behind your back and they are normal (which includes picking fights). We have been into HUGE fights over this because he thinks that she is so perfect that she does no wrong. All i ask of him is that he treats her the same way he treats my 5yr old. He is very strict on my daughter and says that my daughter has turned his daughter into a kid that provokes. I am constantly throwing out the age difference mine is 5 and yours is 11, that is such a big difference in maturity level. Recently he got proved wrong because his daughter tripped mine and when he asked her why she did it, she said she didn't know. I told him my point had been proved and he tried to turn it onto my daughter saying she must have done something first. He fails to see that his kid is just a kid and that she will fall short of perfection, several times through out life. I dont know that we will ever get these parenting differences solved! 

Pointing out his daughter’s faults will do nothing but make him defensive as you probably already know. 

  

 

Kids are apprentice human beings and deserve a clean slate and not to have things that have happened in the past haunt them.  You need to model this for your husband and not allow him to bring up the past when dealing with a current situation.  If he cannot adhere to this then he should not be disciplining your daughter.  He should discretely let you know then there is a problem and let you handle it.  You should do the same for his daughter.  You two (and it takes two) have turned this into a competition.  It takes two to tango and both your daughters deserves better.

  

 

Rules to keep the peace

  

 

  • When he takes jabs at your daughter instead of buying into the fight step back and respond without getting defensive.  Prepare yourself with some appropriate responses like:  “I’m sorry you feel that way.  It must be hard for her to live with a parent who feels that way”

      

  • When you’re discussing your daughter by all means don’t bring up his and if you’re discussing his daughter leave yours out of it.  If your husband does this just respond with “I thought we were talking about ----- please don’t change the subject we can talk about --- later”.

      

  • If this is ever done in the presents of your kids stop immediately.  This is a sign you two don’t have enough adult time to discuss important issues.  Make sure you plan this time so that no one is tempted to violate the, not in front of the kids rule.

      

  • Let your girls work out there own problems.  My girls are your girls ages and believe me my 5 year old is very capable of making the older one miserable if she is unkind to her.  Don’t referee.  In private it is fair game to give tips on how to work around issues.  Reminding the older one that she is the role model and rewarding her for being a good one.  Don’t let your husband step in the middle either. 

      

  

 

If you do these 4 things you will turn this around today.  It is not your husband’s fault it is both your faults but if you change how you behave he will too.

  

 

 
November 22, 2005, 11:55 am CST

this is my friend

im definitely gonna watch this show because this is my friend trent's family. yay.
 
November 22, 2005, 11:57 am CST

11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours”

Quote From: cacdcc64

Barbara is my cousin and I'm very happy that Dr. Phil was able to help you.  Giving your family those gifts was unbelievable and you guys deserve it.  Enjoy!  Carol
HI.  You stated that Barbara is your cousin.  Could you tell me where she is from?  I swear to God that I know her from somewhere!!!  No one else on the show looked familiar to me, but I don't know if we went to school together, worked together or what but it is driving me nuts!!!!  When I saw that you and Barbara's daughter were also located in PA I feel more like I met her somewhere before!
 
November 22, 2005, 12:17 pm CST

11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours”

Quote From: shrimpety

When the issues of blended families comes up it always frustrates me that all of the adults involved don't ever stop to consider that the kids never asked to have a step-parent, a new mom, a new dad, new siblings. The adults are the ones that made the decisions and should have thought things through BEFORE putting their kids in such a situation.  

  

Expecting a six year old to not act out is ridiculous - she does "know what she is doing" - all she knows is that she has needs that are not being met. If her Bio mother has left her, she has abandonment issues - even if you think you are the only mother she has ever known. It is your job to help her understand her feelings, to expess her emotions and to deal with the loss of her mother. It is your job to find a way to make the relationship work - not hers! Your needs are secondary and need to be met by your husband, not the kids.  

  

I had a step - parent and can truly say that even at 13 I didn't have the tools I needed to deal with the situation. I can't imagine being a step-child at 6... 

  

As I had mentioned prior, "we both love her and her needs are being met".  If it wasnt for me she would have no mother at all, she loves us both very much she tells us everyday, other then the small isues of jealousy she is a well adjusted child.  So please don't judge my family and worry about her having "tools" to deal with being a step child b/c she doesn't even know she is one. We had her seen professionally she has no remeberece of her bio.mother.
 
November 22, 2005, 12:18 pm CST

direction

    my wife and are having alot of same issues and a few more , she left for florida a week ago she said we need time apart im having a real hardtime with this whole thing
 
November 22, 2005, 12:27 pm CST

Yes, I'm sorry you are

Quote From: lh2000

I may be miss reading your post be it appears to me you are blaming the 6 year old.  It is not the 6 year old that is the problem here.   It is the parenting.  As young as she is and with out the influnce of another adult there is no reason you cannot fully parent this child.  She is doing what works for her.  If you don't like something she is doing then you need to change how you react to it.  Your the only mother this little girl has and she needs a mother that loves her unconditionally.   

  

I suggest you AND YOUR HUSBAND read the book  

How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!

by Sal Severe 

Yes you are misreading my post.  Our parenting is NOT the problem.  We dont cuss, fight or anything in front of the kids.  We dont want them to learn that from home.  We dont drink or smoke.  I do fully parent this child, from taking her to girl scouts to her dance lessons, Dr's and am there when she is sick in the middle of the night.  As I said prior we both love her very much and all her needs are met, its just this one issue with her.  My husband and I are both college educated and professionals who put family first and know how to behave.  We have tried several different approaches when she acts the way she does to try to make her not act like that but it doesnt work.
 
November 22, 2005, 12:32 pm CST

You do have options it is still the parent not the step parent.

Quote From: ghachey

I am in the exact same situation. Exactly. You couldn't have said it any better. 

  

Do we have any options? 

Whether your home all day or at work your husband should take receipt to ensuring his kids follow through with their responsibilities. 

  

 

Your husband should draw up a contract with his kids that clearly states the required household behavior and expected responsibilities.  Provide a means of measuring the compliance and completion of these and the consequences and rewards to fulfilling or not the contract. 

  

 

Teens are not two year olds and don’t need a full time parent at home monitoring them.  They can be held responsible after the fact if follow through is done consistently and by a respected parent.

  

 

  

 

On the other hand, you should not be supplying taxi service or maid service to an unpleasant disrespectful child.  They should be cleaning up after themselves and treat you with respect unless they want to walk everywhere they need to go.  You can say not to request for services if they don’t treat you properly but their father should enforce the contract.

  

 

  

 

  

 
November 22, 2005, 12:43 pm CST

thinking

I just wonder....do any of these people THINK? How can you just not think about it when you know you are combining all these kids under one roof? Do adult hormones rage so much that there is no thinking or planning and they just get married? I am a divorced parent of 2 boys-ages 17 and 13. There will be no STEPDAD. I think that is cruel and unusual punishment for all involved. I also fdo not want anyone else's kids either. Let mine grow up, then I will entertain the idea of marriage when they are out of the house. And the family getting 100K-I dunno, it is great and all but isn't that just rewarding adults fopr stupidity? How can we expect children to make responsible decisions when we have adults who CAN'T?!
 
November 22, 2005, 12:44 pm CST

I know Barbara from somewhere!!!!

Hi everyone!  I know this is somewhat off topic, but I know Barbara from today's show from somewhere!!!!  It is driving me nuts.  You know the feeling, where you just can't remember something.  I believe I am in the same state she is.  I am a nurse and I just wonder if that is the link.  If anyone could help with some basic info maybe it would spark something in my memory.  I surely don't want to do anything to invade her privacy. 

  

Michele 

 
November 22, 2005, 12:44 pm CST

Don't feel guilty

Quote From: iktomiweb

My Daughter is expecting a baby at the end of Jan and I am trying to fit in with her plans I recently told her that I may be able to come and visit her for the holidays and I wanted to know if it would be inconvenient for them if I did come. She sent me an e-mail explaining to me that she had talked things over with her husband and they have decided that it would be great for me to come for Christmas and that I could just stay until the baby is born since I at this time do not have a job and she needs the help. I am recently married just had my first year anniversary and my husband has just gotten a new job and we have just moved and are getting settled in the new area as well as I am planning on looking for work as soon as possible. I informed my daughter that this idea was not going to work out for me or my husband and that I am currently looking for work and that it would be to long for me to be away from home. She sent me a very nasty e-mail back telling me that she is more important than my husband and that I am neglecting her. I pointed out to her that her husband should be the most important one at this time. This has made her even more angry towards me to the point she will not talk to me and has started to send emails to my mother that I am emotionally unstable and in need of help because of my bad past. I am now angry at her and do not want to communicate with her at this point because I believe that I should also be allowed to enjoy and have my life with my new husband the way that I want too and that all I want from her is that we can be happy for each other. I am so angry and sad and mad and hurt all at the same time.  

I quilted her a baby blanket and her response was “we are actually amazed that you did anything” So this is very difficult for me to hear. Then I start thinking about her in-laws who have quite a lot of money and do every thing for the kids that they ask for. I believe that I am in competition with her in-laws. And it is just unrealistic for me to compete with them nor do I feel I should.  

I am also expecting my first child and my Mom is a semi newlywed (2 years)  She is going to come stay with me after the baby comes but if she couldn't I would understand.  I am a 35 year old woman I am not her child anymore, I don't need or expect her to cater to me.  When I was a little girl my brother, sister and I were the light of her life and I am thrilled that she has someone in her life to pamper her and take her on trips, and hang out with her.   

I know that your daughter has hurt  your feelings really bad, feel free to tell her Misty from Georgia says "grow up"!  if she still needs her Mom to babysit her she isn't old enough to have a child of her own yet. 

 
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