Topic : 11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours"

Quote From: kandygirl8

I have been married for three years to a wonderful man who is good to me in everyway just recently his daugter came back in our lives and she is 21 but got evicted so we took hewr in as I feel our duty was I have 2 daugters and a stepson that blended well but all the kids are having a hard blending it seems we have strife in our house all the time on top of it I have a terminal illness and my husband work keeps away during the week I at the end of my rope I just want everyone to get alone before i die. my husband is so wonderful to me and me and him back each other up but he is at the point the one over 18 have to get with the program or move out because he says and the doctors agree the stress is making my illness worst but I feel I failed as a mom if i say that if anyone can suggestion something i would be very grateful. That not bad kids just used to be the certer of their parents lives  

I getting so depressed sometimes i pray not to wake up 

please help  

Kandygirl8 

Quote From: ghachey

I truly did not know other people were having my exact same problem. I've been married for two years and I just don't know what to do. If I would have known my husband's love was so conditional based on two very angry children's approval, I never would have gotten into this mess. We have gotten to the point that I finally made the decision that I can no longer be a part of the children's lives because they are such a negative influence on my health and marriage. Sometimes I think at least if I left, I'd get out alive. I'm dying a slow death being in this house and marriage with such unsupportive and angy people. I want to chose me.  

  

I don't want to complain, I want some "real" advice that works. Please Dr. Phil, is it really as hopeless as it seems? Please keep in mind that in my case, my husband will absolutely not help. 

Quote From: truluv2

I was real excited about seeing the show today and hoping to get some tips or advice but like usual, my circumstances are quite different than most that I have found and the show didnt help much. My husband has a 9 yr old daughter whom he gets visitation with every other weekend and now that she moved, every 3 weekends. In the beginning (she was 3 then), everything was great, we got along and I was building a relationship with the lil girl. When we got engaged and moved in together EVERYTHING seemed to change. Andy, my husband, would COMPLETELY ignore me when she was at our place for the weekend. I worked weekends then so I wasn't even there most of the time. The girl would roll her eyes and disrespect me and my personal belongings and Andy would say, "I didn't see her" or stuff like, "It's just a piece of furniture (or whatever it was that she destroyed)" At night I would get kicked out of my own bed and Andy refused to take her back to bed. He thought I was a "bitch" for not wanting her to sleep in our bed or hang out in the privacy of our own bedroom. The girl had no rules, no bedtime, nothing. Andy and I went to counseling over this issue. The counselor suggested we both make a list of rules, combine and agree on them and proper punishment. After making a list of my own, andy said that I covered them all and they were fine. When it came to enforce these rules, he said I was a dictator, they are my rules and to enforece them myself. Needless to say, she goes to daddy every time still to this day. I can't even tell her to please knock before entering our room without getting yelled at. There are hundreds of stories like this. THEN we got married and pregnant. Andy had nothing to do with my pregnancy but would brag and tell stories about him and the girl's mom (whom he never married) and how it was such an emotional moment and blah blah blah. I couldn't get him to help name our son. His excuse was, "I got to name "her" so you can name the baby" In Lamaze class he took magazines and work to do because lamaze class was "boring. I've already been through this before."  My heart was broken and my soul crushed because of it. Andy's mother was the same way. She told me when I was 7 months pregnant that Andy should've married his daughter's mother. It is now clearly evident that she shows favortism between her only two grandchildren, Andy's daughter and our son. Andy said that he doesn't want any more children because he already has two and so do I. I argued that I only have one child and he says he didn't even want our son to begin with...another stab in the heart. I'm always compared to his ex, by him and his mother. Andy ALWAYS does what his ex says. When, where, how, whatever the case. I'm always put on the back burner and have to change plans or wait around until the last minute until the ex decides what suits her best. She is really vindictive after 8 and a half years. She is married with 2 children of her own and lives in a nice house and always driving a brand new car. She continually tries to drain more and more money out of us. I used to not have a problem with her until my husband started treating me like I was "their" child and treats her like she's a queen and i'm, well, a nothing. To try and make this shorter.....Now it has been almost 6 years. NOTHING has changed but the fact that now I have resentment and anger towards the whole situation. Considering that I have no say so in the situation, I stay in my room the whole time that the lil girl is here. I make Andy watch our 3 yr old the whole time due to the fact that he was also getting ignored on visitation weekends also. My son and I hardly ever get to spend time with Andy due to him working and going to school all the time so when he drops everything on the weekends for the girl and totally ignores our son and I, I get really angry and hurt and more resentment builds. I've tried VERY hard to make Andy understand where I am coming from but his response is and always has been, "she's blood and you're not and if you don't like it, get your stuff and get the f*** out" That statement hurt so bad that when I see the little girl, it makes me cringe. My 3 yr old does notice a difference being made. He lashes out by acting completely different when she's here. He hits, screams, and acts as silly as he can to get his daddy's attention. It's all I can do to keep from bawling. Bawling is usually what I do, in my room, every visitation weekend. Andy does his best to try and make me think that my thoughts and feelings are abnormal about being a "stepmother." He's bought me books to read and has done a good job at making me feel like a horrible person. I have read plenty of books, went to counseling, and have done research on the subject. I have found that yes, I am perfectly normal for feeling this way in such a situation. There are things that I could do more of that would make the situation better. The thing is, I have done everything asked of me and more and I dont' get anything in return for it. At this moment in time, Andy says that this coming up weekend things have to change and I have to love his daughter or we are getting divorced. I have tried to explain to him that we have to build a relationship and grow into love with full support and understanding. Andy tells me the situation is my problem and I have to deal with it myself. It is SOOOOO frustrating. With that ultimatum, I don't know what to do or say. It's something that can't happen overnight. It's taken me 6 years almost to get to this point of resenment and I can almost say hatred.  I feel like that he's telling me that instead of being a supportive father and husband that he would rather divorce me, sacrifice not giving his son his mommy AND daddy's full time support and love just so he doesn't have to deal with this issue less than 48 hours a month. I don't know what to do. There are sooo much more heartbreaking  moments that I couldn't even begin to tell it all here and now. I don't want to get divorced and I don't want to spend any days away from my son. If Dr. Phil reads this, PLEASE give me some advice.

Quote From: lh2000

If you have to work full time to support your kids plus raise them on your own, looking for Mr Right does not take priority when getting the laundry each week probably evades you. 

  

I would rather spend a quiet evening playing board games with my kids then chasing a more complicated life. 

  

  

Quote From: hope568

 

I couldn’t agree with you more.  When watching the second family’s introduction video…I was thinking “Wow, why don’t you just come right out and ask for a new house.” 

  

 

Throwing money at people who make poor choices isn’t the answer! 

.   

Quote From: truluv2

I was real excited about seeing the show today and hoping to get some tips or advice but like usual, my circumstances are quite different than most that I have found and the show didnt help much. My husband has a 9 yr old daughter whom he gets visitation with every other weekend and now that she moved, every 3 weekends. In the beginning (she was 3 then), everything was great, we got along and I was building a relationship with the lil girl. When we got engaged and moved in together EVERYTHING seemed to change. Andy, my husband, would COMPLETELY ignore me when she was at our place for the weekend. I worked weekends then so I wasn't even there most of the time. The girl would roll her eyes and disrespect me and my personal belongings and Andy would say, "I didn't see her" or stuff like, "It's just a piece of furniture (or whatever it was that she destroyed)" At night I would get kicked out of my own bed and Andy refused to take her back to bed. He thought I was a "bitch" for not wanting her to sleep in our bed or hang out in the privacy of our own bedroom. The girl had no rules, no bedtime, nothing. Andy and I went to counseling over this issue. The counselor suggested we both make a list of rules, combine and agree on them and proper punishment. After making a list of my own, andy said that I covered them all and they were fine. When it came to enforce these rules, he said I was a dictator, they are my rules and to enforece them myself. Needless to say, she goes to daddy every time still to this day. I can't even tell her to please knock before entering our room without getting yelled at. There are hundreds of stories like this. THEN we got married and pregnant. Andy had nothing to do with my pregnancy but would brag and tell stories about him and the girl's mom (whom he never married) and how it was such an emotional moment and blah blah blah. I couldn't get him to help name our son. His excuse was, "I got to name "her" so you can name the baby" In Lamaze class he took magazines and work to do because lamaze class was "boring. I've already been through this before."  My heart was broken and my soul crushed because of it. Andy's mother was the same way. She told me when I was 7 months pregnant that Andy should've married his daughter's mother. It is now clearly evident that she shows favortism between her only two grandchildren, Andy's daughter and our son. Andy said that he doesn't want any more children because he already has two and so do I. I argued that I only have one child and he says he didn't even want our son to begin with...another stab in the heart. I'm always compared to his ex, by him and his mother. Andy ALWAYS does what his ex says. When, where, how, whatever the case. I'm always put on the back burner and have to change plans or wait around until the last minute until the ex decides what suits her best. She is really vindictive after 8 and a half years. She is married with 2 children of her own and lives in a nice house and always driving a brand new car. She continually tries to drain more and more money out of us. I used to not have a problem with her until my husband started treating me like I was "their" child and treats her like she's a queen and i'm, well, a nothing. To try and make this shorter.....Now it has been almost 6 years. NOTHING has changed but the fact that now I have resentment and anger towards the whole situation. Considering that I have no say so in the situation, I stay in my room the whole time that the lil girl is here. I make Andy watch our 3 yr old the whole time due to the fact that he was also getting ignored on visitation weekends also. My son and I hardly ever get to spend time with Andy due to him working and going to school all the time so when he drops everything on the weekends for the girl and totally ignores our son and I, I get really angry and hurt and more resentment builds. I've tried VERY hard to make Andy understand where I am coming from but his response is and always has been, "she's blood and you're not and if you don't like it, get your stuff and get the f*** out" That statement hurt so bad that when I see the little girl, it makes me cringe. My 3 yr old does notice a difference being made. He lashes out by acting completely different when she's here. He hits, screams, and acts as silly as he can to get his daddy's attention. It's all I can do to keep from bawling. Bawling is usually what I do, in my room, every visitation weekend. Andy does his best to try and make me think that my thoughts and feelings are abnormal about being a "stepmother." He's bought me books to read and has done a good job at making me feel like a horrible person. I have read plenty of books, went to counseling, and have done research on the subject. I have found that yes, I am perfectly normal for feeling this way in such a situation. There are things that I could do more of that would make the situation better. The thing is, I have done everything asked of me and more and I dont' get anything in return for it. At this moment in time, Andy says that this coming up weekend things have to change and I have to love his daughter or we are getting divorced. I have tried to explain to him that we have to build a relationship and grow into love with full support and understanding. Andy tells me the situation is my problem and I have to deal with it myself. It is SOOOOO frustrating. With that ultimatum, I don't know what to do or say. It's something that can't happen overnight. It's taken me 6 years almost to get to this point of resenment and I can almost say hatred.  I feel like that he's telling me that instead of being a supportive father and husband that he would rather divorce me, sacrifice not giving his son his mommy AND daddy's full time support and love just so he doesn't have to deal with this issue less than 48 hours a month. I don't know what to do. There are sooo much more heartbreaking  moments that I couldn't even begin to tell it all here and now. I don't want to get divorced and I don't want to spend any days away from my son. If Dr. Phil reads this, PLEASE give me some advice.

Quote From: ontarian

 i just watched todays show on blended families.  i have some questions which relate to my best friend and her new relationship.  any input would be gratefully accepted for this unique family about to be "blended."  she is not only marrying someone with two children, she has 2 of her own and one foster child.  they are also blending different cultures and religions.  i would love to hear from anyone that may be in the same situation.

Quote From: truluv2

I was real excited about seeing the show today and hoping to get some tips or advice but like usual, my circumstances are quite different than most that I have found and the show didnt help much. My husband has a 9 yr old daughter whom he gets visitation with every other weekend and now that she moved, every 3 weekends. In the beginning (she was 3 then), everything was great, we got along and I was building a relationship with the lil girl. When we got engaged and moved in together EVERYTHING seemed to change. Andy, my husband, would COMPLETELY ignore me when she was at our place for the weekend. I worked weekends then so I wasn't even there most of the time. The girl would roll her eyes and disrespect me and my personal belongings and Andy would say, "I didn't see her" or stuff like, "It's just a piece of furniture (or whatever it was that she destroyed)" At night I would get kicked out of my own bed and Andy refused to take her back to bed. He thought I was a "bitch" for not wanting her to sleep in our bed or hang out in the privacy of our own bedroom. The girl had no rules, no bedtime, nothing. Andy and I went to counseling over this issue. The counselor suggested we both make a list of rules, combine and agree on them and proper punishment. After making a list of my own, andy said that I covered them all and they were fine. When it came to enforce these rules, he said I was a dictator, they are my rules and to enforece them myself. Needless to say, she goes to daddy every time still to this day. I can't even tell her to please knock before entering our room without getting yelled at. There are hundreds of stories like this. THEN we got married and pregnant. Andy had nothing to do with my pregnancy but would brag and tell stories about him and the girl's mom (whom he never married) and how it was such an emotional moment and blah blah blah. I couldn't get him to help name our son. His excuse was, "I got to name "her" so you can name the baby" In Lamaze class he took magazines and work to do because lamaze class was "boring. I've already been through this before."  My heart was broken and my soul crushed because of it. Andy's mother was the same way. She told me when I was 7 months pregnant that Andy should've married his daughter's mother. It is now clearly evident that she shows favortism between her only two grandchildren, Andy's daughter and our son. Andy said that he doesn't want any more children because he already has two and so do I. I argued that I only have one child and he says he didn't even want our son to begin with...another stab in the heart. I'm always compared to his ex, by him and his mother. Andy ALWAYS does what his ex says. When, where, how, whatever the case. I'm always put on the back burner and have to change plans or wait around until the last minute until the ex decides what suits her best. She is really vindictive after 8 and a half years. She is married with 2 children of her own and lives in a nice house and always driving a brand new car. She continually tries to drain more and more money out of us. I used to not have a problem with her until my husband started treating me like I was "their" child and treats her like she's a queen and i'm, well, a nothing. To try and make this shorter.....Now it has been almost 6 years. NOTHING has changed but the fact that now I have resentment and anger towards the whole situation. Considering that I have no say so in the situation, I stay in my room the whole time that the lil girl is here. I make Andy watch our 3 yr old the whole time due to the fact that he was also getting ignored on visitation weekends also. My son and I hardly ever get to spend time with Andy due to him working and going to school all the time so when he drops everything on the weekends for the girl and totally ignores our son and I, I get really angry and hurt and more resentment builds. I've tried VERY hard to make Andy understand where I am coming from but his response is and always has been, "she's blood and you're not and if you don't like it, get your stuff and get the f*** out" That statement hurt so bad that when I see the little girl, it makes me cringe. My 3 yr old does notice a difference being made. He lashes out by acting completely different when she's here. He hits, screams, and acts as silly as he can to get his daddy's attention. It's all I can do to keep from bawling. Bawling is usually what I do, in my room, every visitation weekend. Andy does his best to try and make me think that my thoughts and feelings are abnormal about being a "stepmother." He's bought me books to read and has done a good job at making me feel like a horrible person. I have read plenty of books, went to counseling, and have done research on the subject. I have found that yes, I am perfectly normal for feeling this way in such a situation. There are things that I could do more of that would make the situation better. The thing is, I have done everything asked of me and more and I dont' get anything in return for it. At this moment in time, Andy says that this coming up weekend things have to change and I have to love his daughter or we are getting divorced. I have tried to explain to him that we have to build a relationship and grow into love with full support and understanding. Andy tells me the situation is my problem and I have to deal with it myself. It is SOOOOO frustrating. With that ultimatum, I don't know what to do or say. It's something that can't happen overnight. It's taken me 6 years almost to get to this point of resenment and I can almost say hatred.  I feel like that he's telling me that instead of being a supportive father and husband that he would rather divorce me, sacrifice not giving his son his mommy AND daddy's full time support and love just so he doesn't have to deal with this issue less than 48 hours a month. I don't know what to do. There are sooo much more heartbreaking  moments that I couldn't even begin to tell it all here and now. I don't want to get divorced and I don't want to spend any days away from my son. If Dr. Phil reads this, PLEASE give me some advice.

Quote From: chicyuna

But you know, sometimes you find that special person when you least expect it. So why give them up when you've found the right one for you? I don't think life is meant to be complicated, no matter the situation. It's how you deal with it that makes it easy or difficult. So when two adults with children find one another and fall in love, why put it on hold? I think happy parents make happy kids.