Topic : 11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours"

Just once I wish Dr. Phil would solve the problem without throwing money at it. How does that help the rest of us? Yes, that family was crowded, but lots of families are; should they all go get a free $100,000 and buy a new house? It's like he is telling the rest of use we should "eat cake!" 

  

At the very least make them earn the money--like see if they can force themselves to get along for a month with $100,000 reward at the end.  

  

And what advice did he give the first couple? Dad said he spoiled his daughter and Phil said to stop it. Good advice for any spoiled child. But what about the relationship between the step-mom and the daughter? I was really looking forward to this segment and am sorely disappointed. 

  

The mom kept saying, "She (the daughter) thinks she is an equal." I'm sure she does, but does dad treat her like an equal? The daughter asked, "when are you taking me to Hawaii?" but what did the dad answer? If he gave an appropriate answer, what difference does it make that she asked the question? 

  

The step-mom kept complaining about the daughter's behavior, but I think the real problem (that never came out) was the dad's behavior! If the wife is really upset with the husband they need to solve that problem, and how the daughter behaves will become irrelevant.  

  

So I ask the board: what difference does it make what the daughter thinks and why is that an issue? Isn't the real problem how the wife perceives her husband's behavior and isn't that the real problem? 

Why do you feel sorry for her? She is right! If she can't handle having a man in her life who would try to father her children or trying to take on his kids, well thank God she is adult enough to know it! And too bad there aren't more adults out there who are willing to see thier own limitations!

I agree completely! Adults need to behave like adults and part of that is knowing your limitations!

I am a mother of 9 children....3 his...4 mine...2 ours. Eight of them are still in the house and the oldest is off at college right now. We have been together for 11 years and have had custody of them all for the majority of that time. There are 10 of us living in a 4 bedroom house and though space is limited, we are extremely happy. I will say that we made every mistake in the book at first, and after the first three years of marraige got divorced for a short period of time (3 months) before remarrying. It is not an easy task toblend families but it can be done where everyone feels valued and loved. I think that Dr. Phil has good advice but remember that no two circumstances are exactly the same. There are many factors that play into the situation like the other parents, the extended families, the kids and of course the new parents. Remember that kids will attempt to divide and conquer in a nucleur family and in a blended family there are many more sides to play. My best advice is to stay united and do not allow anyone or anything to divide your family. We even had to shut part of his family down because they refused to accept all of us. We try to let all the kids know that they are all important and valued and that we care how they feel. It does get exhausting at times, but the work is all worth it in the end. I would also suggest if you are just entering into a blended situation to find a family who has succeded at it and draw on their wisdom and experience. We learned everything the hard way, but now find that we are able to help out other families who are just entering territory we have already ventured through. Take things one day at a time and remember the love that drew you together..and when all else fails ...go in the back yard and scream at the top of your lungs..take a deep breath ..and move forward.

I called off my marriage to my fiancee because his daughter threatened to run away from him if he did not agree to how she wanted our relationship to be structured and this is a 19 year old.  He caved and I walked out the very next day after we had just moved into a house it took us over a year to find because we wanted something that was just right for her.  We got a house that had a self contained apartment in the basement, she agreed and then when the time came she said it wasn't what she thought it would be.  He lost over $150,000 to please her and this is not a rich man.  I understand what most of the stepmothers say about feeling foolish competing with a child but indeed it does appear that this girl does indeed think of herself as her father's equal.  When he takes me on vacation, she then tells him that she needs to go on vacation, the only difference from the 12 year old on the show today is, she wants him to pay and send her on vacation somewhere because if he can go, she can go.  She talks a lot about me taking him away from her but when I am not around she has no time for him.  They have two houses and when she is mad with him she told him when you are at this house I will be at the other and vice versa.  If we go off somewhere for the weekend, she calls him everyday for something or the other so that he then feels bad that he is geographically away from her.  When he is around she doesn't call him from college only when he leaves town.  Amazing that he sees or chooses to see none of these manipulations.  However, it is ok for her to take off and go anywhere.  It is extremely difficult to deal with this as I do not have children and this child's mother died so I have much sympathy for her but during my entire 2 years in this relationship I have suffered much stress because with this girl, there always seem to be some drama to grap attention.  I have suggested therapy but she refused to go because, I feel, she would rather worry her dad and get that attention.  He has asked me to come back and we have both been in therapy to deal with coming back but reading other women's experiences, I am not sure I am doing the right thing.  It would appear that it gets worse.   

  

Any suggestions/advice would be most appreciated. 

Reference the last family on today's show -- two and a half baths and three bedrooms for eight people?  Should every family in America in such a "horrible" situation expect Dr. Phil and his supporters to "fix" it.  Why this attitude of entitlement?  What about the families who have even worse living conditions?  What about the families in America with no home?  What makes this blended family so special?   

  

To look at it another way, generations of families were reared in more crowded conditions and (horrors) NO indoor plumbing.  Most of the children growing up in that time and situation became responsible and productive adults.  Maybe they learned to respect and help one another, instead of it being all about me..me..me.  

I have to first say it really bothers me when people judge harshly when all you are trying is to get help so you can be a better step mother.  I too am a step mother and I thought it was going to be wonderful....just as everyone else.  However, I have a 7 year old daughter who is very smart and always knows when to chime in and ruin the day.  I always try not to take her personally however it is much easier said than done.  The one thing I do know is being passive aggresive does no good for anyone involved.  If something bothers me I've learned to speak up........my husband sometimes agrees and it changes for a few days.....the fact is I married into this and I feel stuck and I'm hoping someone has some insight into how to appreciate her instead of wish she was out of the picture.  If anyone has any wisdom please hear me out.......don't just judge and read me the right act on how I'm the adult and she's the child and her needs should be met.  The fact is my needs should be met as well.  Where is the balance?  I think the balance comes in when the husband doesn't parent out of guilt.........which most divorcees constantly parent by "I want to be the favorite parent"  

Our family was perfect when the kids were younger. I wish you all the luck and its better when you are younger. Now they are 5,9,11,12 and 14.

Dear Dr. Phil, 

  

I loved your show today about the blended family.  Please let me tell you our story: 

  

     In May of 1979 Bob and I married each other and our combined five children.  As we exchanged vows and rings with each other, we also exchanged vows and Identification bracelets with our children.  My son and daughter and his daughter and two sons were all between 5 and 14.   

  

     It's been 26 1/2 years now and I would do it all over again if I could. Sure, there were problems, arguments, stresses, too little room and too little money, "other parent" coordination problems, and lots of chaos.  But we did learn a few things along the way and I sure wish I could share those with other blended families. 

  

     #1 FAMILY MEETINGS - are an absolute must!  And the more frequent the better.  Be somewhat democratic about it.  Take notes - keep a family spiral book.........Documentation helps solve problems and arguments later on when things are remembered differently.  No one lies on purpose - we just remember differently.  At the end of each meeting the notes are read aloud, amendments made and everyone signed the book as witness. 

  

     #2 CONTRACTS - Write up deals (usually involving only two or more family members) and get them signed.  IE: Chris agrees to clean the garage in exchange for Dad paying his way to summer camp.   or Debbie and Robin agree to stop arguing about space in their room and will begin by working together to clean and label spaces in their room.   Family rules were written up and signed by everyone.  Those who break rules got "tickets" and were assessed fines.  Fines were usually not money and could include grounding or appropriate work. 

  

     #3. CHORES - A piece of plywood, painted yellow, was labeled with each person's name and a row of nails.  Key tags listed the chores to be done.  Chores were color coded - red for the more difficult,  blue for regular jobs, and yellow for easier chores.  Each night before the children's bedtime I would clear off the board and reassign the chores for the next day.  There were seven of us so each one of us got a day "off" - even MOM.   The children could trade off chores (if they did it before they went to bed).  They learned to bargain - two blues for a red, or a blue and two yellows for a red.  Since two of our children are handicaped occasional chore definitions would be to help someone else do their chore. 

  

     #4.  WHERE ARE YOU?  My husband hung a chalkboard near the door.  Using a permanent marker, he lined it off and put up categories to be filled in.  Anyone (adult or child) who left the house or yard had to sign out and then upon return signing in.  The categories were:  NAME, TIME, WHERE, PHONE # (where you will be), AND E.T.A.  (estimated time you will arrive back home).  Even Dad signed out when he left for work!   

  

     #5. ALLOWENCE:  Regular chores are not connected to or dependant upon allowence.  Certain things are your job to buy for yourself as long as you are getting an allowence.  The older you get the more your allowence is and the more things you are responsible for buying for yourself.  Things that children were responsible for ranged from contributions at church, fad clothing items, extra school supplies, replacement of something you lost, make-up, entertainment......etc.  depending on your age and amount of allowence.  There was always enough for discretion spending.   ALLOWENCES STOPPED AT AGE SIXTEEN (16).  After age 16 the children were expected to get a job and earn their own money.  Responsibilities continued after age 16 and, in fact, included even more things like saving for a car. 

  

Thank you for reading our story.  There are so many more things that we did together.  We were not and are not perfect - neither are our children.  But now that the oldest is 40 I think it is safe to say that they are grown up, good citizens, fine family members with families of their own, and we are proud of all our Adult Children. 

  

Sincerely, 

Bob and Julie Ball 

robjball@juno.com 

  

  

I can totally relate to how you are feeling.  My "significant other" and I have dated for 2 1/2 years now. He is 19 years older than me, but our time together is normally wonderful. That is, until his daughters get involved. They are both in their twenties, are married with children of their own. This was a litte hard to get used to in the beginning, but the fact that he has grandchildren and I don't even have a child of my own was really just something to get used to. Overall, we are the best of friends and love each other deeply, and that is what matters. However, now it is all coming to an end because of a situation with his daughters. One lives 7 hours away and the other lives 2 hours away. They never came to see their dad until he and I bought a house together and things really began to get serious. Then, they began coming in more often, which I have never had a problem with. In fact, I had invited them to come and spend holidays with my family. We all wanted them to feel a part of our family. The problem is that  they didn't want that. They said that since they don't see their dad often, when they come in for the holidays they expect him to give all of his attention to them. That means that I am not to even be around. They want his undivided attention, and if he says a word to me or holds my hand, then I am intruding on their time with him. So, as a result, when they come down for a holiday, I am not invited to spend it with him or them. He told me that the oldest walked out of his life for 2 years when she was a young girl because he sided with his spouse over her. Then when they divorced she came back to him. I understand his position, because his first son never had anything to do with him because the boys mother made sure there was no contact between them. So basically, his girls know that he would do anything for them just to keep from loosing them like he lost his son, and they emotionally blackmail him into getting what they want. He will never be able to have a relationship with anyone until he learns how to stand up to them and put a stop to them running his life. So, this Thanksgiving he is going to be with them and will not see me at all because I am not invited. In fact, his own father has cancer and is not doing well, yet he is going to see his daughters because they make him feel guilty if he doesn't.  It's a sad situation. I just wish he could see what they do to him, and realize that when you love someone you want them to be happy , even if it means having to share his time and attention. Putting him in the middle of us only makes him miserable, that is why I decided to step aside. 

I know you are hurting and confused as well. Know you are not alone!