Quote From: jbbatwotDear Dr. Phil,
I loved your show today about the blended family. Please let me tell you our story:
In May of 1979 Bob and I married each other and our combined five children. As we exchanged vows and rings with each other, we also exchanged vows and Identification bracelets with our children. My son and daughter and his daughter and two sons were all between 5 and 14.
It's been 26 1/2 years now and I would do it all over again if I could. Sure, there were problems, arguments, stresses, too little room and too little money, "other parent" coordination problems, and lots of chaos. But we did learn a few things along the way and I sure wish I could share those with other blended families.
#1 FAMILY MEETINGS - are an absolute must! And the more frequent the better. Be somewhat democratic about it. Take notes - keep a family spiral book.........Documentation helps solve problems and arguments later on when things are remembered differently. No one lies on purpose - we just remember differently. At the end of each meeting the notes are read aloud, amendments made and everyone signed the book as witness.
#2 CONTRACTS - Write up deals (usually involving only two or more family members) and get them signed. IE: Chris agrees to clean the garage in exchange for Dad paying his way to summer camp. or Debbie and Robin agree to stop arguing about space in their room and will begin by working together to clean and label spaces in their room. Family rules were written up and signed by everyone. Those who break rules got "tickets" and were assessed fines. Fines were usually not money and could include grounding or appropriate work.
#3. CHORES - A piece of plywood, painted yellow, was labeled with each person's name and a row of nails. Key tags listed the chores to be done. Chores were color coded - red for the more difficult, blue for regular jobs, and yellow for easier chores. Each night before the children's bedtime I would clear off the board and reassign the chores for the next day. There were seven of us so each one of us got a day "off" - even MOM. The children could trade off chores (if they did it before they went to bed). They learned to bargain - two blues for a red, or a blue and two yellows for a red. Since two of our children are handicaped occasional chore definitions would be to help someone else do their chore.
#4. WHERE ARE YOU? My husband hung a chalkboard near the door. Using a permanent marker, he lined it off and put up categories to be filled in. Anyone (adult or child) who left the house or yard had to sign out and then upon return signing in. The categories were: NAME, TIME, WHERE, PHONE # (where you will be), AND E.T.A. (estimated time you will arrive back home). Even Dad signed out when he left for work!
#5. ALLOWENCE: Regular chores are not connected to or dependant upon allowence. Certain things are your job to buy for yourself as long as you are getting an allowence. The older you get the more your allowence is and the more things you are responsible for buying for yourself. Things that children were responsible for ranged from contributions at church, fad clothing items, extra school supplies, replacement of something you lost, make-up, entertainment......etc. depending on your age and amount of allowence. There was always enough for discretion spending. ALLOWENCES STOPPED AT AGE SIXTEEN (16). After age 16 the children were expected to get a job and earn their own money. Responsibilities continued after age 16 and, in fact, included even more things like saving for a car.
Thank you for reading our story. There are so many more things that we did together. We were not and are not perfect - neither are our children. But now that the oldest is 40 I think it is safe to say that they are grown up, good citizens, fine family members with families of their own, and we are proud of all our Adult Children.
Sincerely,
Bob and Julie Ball
robjball@juno.com
My dad has always said, "This too shall pass." and it has always comforted me.
What a wonderful story. I am a step-mom and I am always looking for ways to help our family grow together. We have our ups and downs but we all really love each other despite some of the obstacles we've have to overcome. It will never be perfect but it doesn't have to be awful, either. I am grateful for your good advice and it's wonderful to know that by setting down some ground rules, it can work.
Falling in love is easy. Falling in love with your new spouse's kids is not so easy. Actor Dennis Quaid, co-star of the new movie "Yours, Mine & Ours," joins Dr. Phil. He talks about how being a dad helped him prepare for his role as a man dealing with the difficulties of blending a family. Then, Juli says her stepdaughter, Samantha, makes her feel like the other woman. Her husband, Mark, says that Samantha is his best friend. Will Juli's jealousy tear their new family apart? Then, they have two dogs, two cats, four fish and six kids. Meet two parents blending their chaotic family under one very small roof. Join the discussion.
