Topic : 11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours"

This is a great must do list for all well run families(not just blended).  Even if you only have one or two this will keep everyone on track.  Many families have proven doing these things will keep things running smoothly with far less conflict.   

Thanks for posting this. 

I feel for Juli.  I have just broken off a 4.5 year relationship due to the very same problem.  Where to start - unless Juli's husband takes drastic action and puts Juli first in the relationship, she may as well run as far and as fast as she can, because he won't change.  His daughter will always come first, be the darling of his life and Juli will always play second fiddle to his manipulative little brat, who needs to be told to butt out, go and play and get on with her life.  It would seem like Daddy cannot distinguish between romantic love and parental love and does not have a clue on how to raise a child with boundaries and discipline.  Since my breakup, I have thought about all the times that I was put down, sworn at, told to mind my own business, shown disrespect, promises broken etc. by my ex and by his beloved daughter (when we started dating she was 13 .. she is now 17) ... (she even called me a b.tch ( and there was no reprimand from him) ...and when we did eventually discuss marriage, my ex said that his daughter - (who nows lives with him - but when we started dating he said she would NEVER live with him) - must live with us in a basement apartment and have her own kitchen, we must have two holidays a year, one with her especially, and we must spend more family time with her, and I must not tell her what to do - as usual, it was and will always be about 'her'' and what 'she' wants ...!!  We argued for years about his constant calls to her, day and night and during our private intimate time.  He said he will  talk to his daughter any time he wants to, again, total disrespect for me and my wishes.  And please note, 'she' does have a mother and 'she' sees her mother. 

I think that my ex's previous marriage broke down because of his little darling (spending too much time with his daughter and not enough time with his wife)... and I was a fool not to end the relationship sooner.  Four bouts of counselling did not help either, as he would NEVER tell little darling that I was his chosen one (as he was guided to by the counsellors) ... and my ex wanted me to be an instant mother but I was not allowed to say anything negative - there was always this 'competition' going on.  When his daughter was sleeping around at 14 years old, I told my ex it was wrong - I was sworn at and told to mind my own business.     Quite frankly, I cant stand 'her', and she has been a constant thorn in my side, always pouting and batting eye-lashes at dear Daddy, getting inbetween us where she can.  But, I don't blame her as much as I blame my ex, for his gutless, useless parenting skills ... but then again, I suppose he thrives on the adoration given by his daughter? ... and will always prefer the 'unconditional' love given and received? - who knows, its kind of sick in a way.  Now the two of them live happily together without me being in the picture. 

I am saddened that my relationship ended ... but I can tell you one thing, I will never ever get  involved with a chap again who has a teenage daughter who rules the roost and thinks that she is the 'wife' and is allowed to do this by doting Daddy.  Its is not 'normal' behaviour. 

Juli, your husband will not change.  "She" will always be the one, sad to say.  Run girl, you deserve better.  Good luck! 

Whilst I agree that parents set the tone, 'adults' do not have to wait for their teenagers to grow up before they can enter another relationship and/or marry.  That is just crazy!  Its up to the parents to create a new blended family ... yes, there will be problems, but I do not think its fair for the kids to call the shots, and the 'parents' to sit around and wait to have a significant other ... one day, when the kids are all grown up.  Parents do have lives too!  When there is jealousy in a relationship between the step-parent and the child, the biological parent must step up to the plate and sort it out - if he chooses to accept the child's point of view over that of his wife, then why did he re-marry in the first place?  A child is a child, and has no control over the parent's romantic involvement unless its harmful to the child, which in most cases it is not. 

Single/divorced parents should get on with their lives as best as they can .... their kids will grow up one day and get on with their lives ... If one chooses to live through one's children, then you are just a martyr. 

I work full time, go to school full time and take care of the kids and the house. My husband has a demanding job and he is not home much to help. The kids all have chores to help out. 

I still have time for my kids more time than my parents had just raising 2 kids.  

Your kids still need a male role model. 

 I couldn't of said it better myself.  You hit the nail on the head in All the areas. What is is with girls and their dad's?  What is it with dad's and their daughters.  It would creep me out when my husband would let his daughter put and leave her hand in his front pocket of his jeans.  Of course I was the one with my mind in the gutter.  He definitely does have a ego problem.  How sick is that to ruin your daughter and marriage because it.  He is not teaching her about male female married adult relationships.  I hope they have a updated too.   

I am in the same situation as the woman who feels like the "other woman".  I am going thru my 2nd divorce and had had it with men when I had run into an old "friend" from 20 years ago and he pursued me and we hit it off and are now engaged.   I have 5 children (son age 16 and 4 girls - 13, 11, 8 and 4) from 2 previous marriages and he has one daughter who is 12.  She has done everything she can to come between us.  She was living with her dad when we first got together and moved back with her mom after she found out her mom was having a baby - who is not married and not even with the guy....anyway, their marriage wasn't much of one to begin with and they were just divorced a year ago.  Instead of fiance doing the things with his wife like he should have he did them with his daughter instead. 

Now that we are together she gets jealous and comes around to hug her dad or kiss him to make me jealous.  If we are hugging or something she will come around to get her share - one incident she came in and we were hugging b/c one of us had just gotten home and she got pissed and said "I LOVE YOU TOO DAD!"  She calls her mom in the middle of the night when she is here on the weekends she is here and even on Wednesday nights for her to come and get her.  I think it is because she is used to sleeping with them and doesn't like to sleep by herself or without her mom or dad.  I keep telling fiance not to allow her to call or leave and he does everytime.  I have had panic attacks when she is here and have to leave because of the stress and he ends up leaving taking her to his moms and has her stay there or whatever. 

She likes to dress trashy and is proud to look like a "slut" and talks about wanting to be one.  She was always undressing in front of him and lifts her shirt up to show him her bra - she hasn't yet started to develop but still inappropriate.  She talks about her "boobs" to him all the time.  She walks in on him in the bathroom and shower - glass shower doors, and walks in on us all the time when we are in the bedroom. 

When she is here she talks bad about me and gets my oldest daughter against me and do the things she knows I don't like or aprrove of.  As soon as she leaves to go back home my daughter is her old self.  My other kids don't like her because of her attitude but especially the way she has treated me.  She has really hurt my 11 year old by the way she has treated me and talked to me and about me. 

She was supposed to walk home with my daughter from school and would never show up and go somewhere else and no one would know where she was.  But there was no discipline and she just kept doing it.  She now doesn't come here - she has everyone running all over the place to pick her up whereever she is.  She hasn't been here for a few weeks - mostly b/c her mom had her baby and now she is really treating her dad bad.  She was talking bad behind his back too and being rude to him to his face.  She can't keep friends.  She lies constantly and has been stealing (stole cash and checks from my daughter- which she gave her back the checks but not the cash) and finace doesn't even confront her about any of it.  When he does confront her about anything she lies to him and he lets it go.  They had taken one of my credit cards and used it for a dating site on the internet and they were both confronted about it and I still don't know what happened for sure but he ended up taking his daugher for "a ride" and talked to her about it and got the "facts" from her and then it was dropped.  My daughter was saying one thing and his daughter said she didn't even know anything about it and didn't want to talk about it - she just kept doing her homework. 

My finace has told me he wants me to help and he wants his daughter to be able to come to me for anything.  I can talk to my kids about anything and his ex has never been able to talk about "delicate" issues with their daughter.  She had no idea what puberty even was.  He wants the help but he just doesn't seem to get it.  He knows about this show and I told him about it and that that is exactly like our situation and he didn't see it as that way.  I told him it is and that I have told him that since we first got together. 

My kids love him to death and don't give him problems - sure they are kids and they act up but not to this extent.  My kids have not had much of a dad - even with their step-dad, and they like the way he wants to be with them and do for them.  But he does "discipline" them and makes them go by rules.  But it doesn't ever apply to his daugher.  He tells me he doesn't want to because she isn't here that much....One of my daughters (11 year old) doesn't live with me right now either and I see her a lot less than he does his daughter but she still has rules... 

He also sneaks off almost every night to go call her and talk to her.  I don't like the sneaking around and I have brought it up.  He hasn't talked to her much the past week or two since the baby was born - she gets pissed at him for something and hangs up on him all the time. 

I wish I knew what to do.  We are wanting to move out of town and he thinks it would help with some of the problems but to me he is just running from them and not wanting to deal with her and have to treat her like the daughter/child that she is.  She is very childish too and acts like a 2 year old--when she doesn't get her way or get what she wants she cries and blames me and then she will call her mom crying to her.  Which she sneaks off to do that too.  Especially at night when she goes home in the middle of the night - shw will sneak the phone and call her mom then come in all ready to go and just tell her dad she is leaving and make some stupid excuse.  I think a lot of it is for attention.  And she is getting it thats for sure.  She is very conniving and manipulative and fiance says he just can't believe she would do things.... 

HELP!!  I could go on and on and on... 

It's so nice to hear GOOD stories.  I feel so fortunate, as a blended family, that my husband and I love each other so much.  This, alone, gets us through a lot.  All of our children are uniquely wonderful individuals which, in part, we attribute to good parenting (by each of the four parents involved, who all co-parent well, are loving, responsible and involved  in the children's lives).  Part of the key, I believe, is to recognize the very unique personalities of each of the children, respect those differences, and create a unique relationship with each child individually based upon those differences. 

No, it's not always easy, but neither is marriage, parenting and sharing in a nuclear family.  In either situation, love, patience and working toward good problem-resolving techniques (not always easy) are part of the key.  Who said life was easy, whatever entails?  Yes, there are always obstacles, and hopefully there are enough good values and lots of love to spread around.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sugar-coating the subject.  However, for all those involved in blended families, if the people involved are loving and emotionally healthy, hang in there.  Time heals a lot of wounds and the rewards are countless.  My husband says, "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger."   

They only get to see each other once a month??????????????  Outside of your insecurity and  jealousy, you get along well with her?  Sounds like she's a good kid.  You get every other moment of his time?  If you don't get over it, you will alienate both of them.  Appreciate what you've got and work on your insecurity!