Topic : 11/22 "Yours, Mine & Ours"

sorry, I don't remember your name. 

I am the woman who raised my ex's kids for the past 18 years, and am now facing divorce because of his daughter. 

I completely understand that your daughter needs time with you...time to feel special, to know that she will always be your little girl. BUT.... 

YOU created this problem when you turned to your child to fill a void that only an adult woman is supposed to fill, and YOU have to be the one to fix it. Your new wife will never be able to fix anything, because any and everything she does will be suspect to your daughter. Your daughter is too young to do anything but want and take anything and everything she can get, and shouldn't have to fix your mistake. You are the only one who can stop the madness. 

Spend time with your daughter on a regular basis, just the two of you. But when you allow her to come in between  you and your wife, she feels as if is she is succeeding in gaining you back as an adult companion, and your wife will never feel as if her place in the home and family is secure and sure. Trade all of those "late night TV" watchings in for a movie or some other outing once a week, and take some time EVERY SINGLE DAY to spend ALONE, with your wife, one on one, during the waking hours of the day when your daughter can observe a healthy male/female adult relationship. 

Let me ask you this: 

If any other grown man who had divorced his wife had become "best friends" with your daughter, wouldn't you see that as "strange" and "unhealthy"? Just because you are her father doesn't make it any less strange and unhealthy, that is just an excuse, and is tantamount to emotional incest. If you have done everything except have physical sex with your daughter, on an emotional level, it is the same thing, as hard as that may be to swallow. 

If you....YOU....don't fix this NOW, you will find yourself in a constant battle that will only grow worse and worse as your daughter learns advanced adult manipulation skills that will eventually force you into an impossible situation. Back your wife up in the house, establish adult/child boundaries and roles, and NEVER argue or take your daughter's side in front of them. Talk....talktalktalktalk to them both, and place them in the age and role-appropriate places in your life, sir. Also, never make any decisions without first discussing them with your wife, leaving her out of the loop of communication. I cannot count the number of time that my husband and step-daughter would just make plans and expect me to fall in with them or change my plans to accommodate their little dates. 

My husband couldn't and wouldn't do this, and now, it is over for us. Don't let this happen to you. A  wife is supposed to be for a lifetime partner, and children are for a temporary gift until you hand them off to another adult....their future spouse....who is supposed to fill the appropriate place in their life. And trust me, that man will thank you later for not giving him an emotional basketcase to try and deal with. 

My prayers and sympathies for your wife, who is probably suffering more emotionally than you will ever know. You still have time to work on this, so do it. Stop abusing your daughter by spoiling her and giving her an inappropriate amount of time, space and emotion in your life. You will eventually cripple her emotionally and mentally if you don't. 

Been there, done it, and FAILED because the man wouldn't have the balls to step up to the plate and do what was necessary to repair the damage done. I'd hate to see that happen to you and your family. 

Debi 

     I watched todays show!  The 2nd family look like they will make it and will be happy! 

The first family ..has problems.  I'm taking a guess here.. hear me out! 

the husband treated his daughter like a wife for 2years.  there needs to be some space.  I could see this daughter having a sexual relationship with her dad.  I'm not saying anything like that would happen or the dad being a perve but, the daughter and the dad have taken the daughter's role so far that its natural to think about the next step.  I also think that this dad likes  having to women fight over him.  How he sat there and smirked and says I spoil the daughter. i feel as if he doesn't want to change it.  Also, I think its going to be hard to change the daughter.  If the daughter does get less attention with dad ..she might act out 2 try and get that attention back.   

this is a messy problem.  I hope they have an update show on the first couple.   

this is so huge to me... i have been starting to think something was really wrong with me.  You said stuff that i have said and felt about my husband..   but, wow, you have to have lived it before you know what its about.   i had been calling it emotional incest and then found out it really is 'just  that'..  It is really sick..  some of my friends and even my husband have said i am sick for things i have said and felt about them.   but  when i hear it from others.. its like a huge weight is lifting casue im feeling validated.   They stare at each other all the time.   and she dances and sings around him.. i said she acted like his 'geisha girl' 

.   I told him she was not created for his 'pleasure'. I raised a girl with a step dad since she was 3.  now i am with a new husband and his 5 year old princess.  so i speak from experience.  my first husband knew that i was 'in love' with him.   all i really ;know about my present husband that he 'loves her so much'.   I feel like he is constantily cheating on me with her.  now they live down the road 2 blocks in anoter place and it makes me cringe to think of all the 'private time they have and bonding and how she is 'so' happy now with them... i said to him. that she sleeps with him more thant i do.  i just cant seem to let go.  and i think its becasue it is a literal compettion.  and he is feeling pretty important.. having 2 girls fight over him.. its an ego boost.. its cruel to both child and mother and i feel so small to think that i am in compettion with a 5year old.   its a real sick hook and hard to get out of.   

I have from day one tried to get along with her for the sake of the kids....I know we'll never be friends but we should be able to get along for their sake.  She tells me that my job as stepmom is hard and she wouldn't want to be one.  She says she agrees with what hubby has decided to do to discipline the kdis etc and then she does the opposite (who are we to rule what she does?).  She creates problems that don't need to be there at all.  The kids are 13 (boy) and 15 (girl).  She has three other children -- 10 year old boy by second husband who lives with his dad but she never sees him and then she has two boys ages 2 and 4 months old that live with her and her third husband.  We have two other children -- a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl (our daughter is three months younger than her son).   Everytime the kids go there for a weekend they come back with major attitude and sharp tongues...but we try and give them a break as we know it isn't easy on them...Her 13 year old son wants to live with her and we did everything we could to help this to happen but the next step was his mom's and she hasn't done anything to help it to happen since September (although she tells him that he could come and live with her...she won't notarize and file papers with the court).  I agree about the classes idea but I know she wouldn't go!  

 Oh my God, you are living my life!!  I am at my wits end as well, it is causing major strain in the relationship.  My stepdtr is a slut and dresses trashy, acts, speaks you name it, she does it.  Their behaviours are almost identical.  I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, I'm struggling too.  However I do console myself with this: This is not my daughter, not my problem, if the two parents cannot see the damage that they are doing to their daughter, long term then there is not much I can do about it.  I too get extremely anxious when I know she is coming over, for there is ALWAYS some sort of drama that we have to deal with.  Currently, she is staying at a hotel through the week, mon-fri - the mom works nights there and she stays the night to go to the school that SHE wants to go to.  She doesn't want to go to the one that the bus picks her up at the door. and thinks we should all drive her 40 minutes out of everyones way so she can do what she wants. She tells us  she has made up her mind and isn't budging.  And what do the parents do?  Whatever she tells them to.  It makes me sick to watch her manipulate my hb and then I get so angry with him.  He is the reason she is the way she is and he will have no one to blame when she cannot function as an adult.  I feel sorry for us. and yes I could go on and on and on,  

m 

this is so huge to me... i have been starting to think something was really wrong with me.  You said stuff that i have said and felt about my husband..   but, wow, you have to have lived it before you know what its about.   i had been calling it emotional incest and then found out it really is 'just  that'..  It is really sick..  some of my friends and even my husband have said i am sick for things i have said and felt about them.   but  when i hear it from others.. its like a huge weight is lifting casue im feeling validated.   They stare at each other all the time.   and she dances and sings around him.. i said she acted like his 'geisha girl' 

.   I told him she was not created for his 'pleasure'. I raised a girl with a step dad since she was 3.  now i am with a new husband and his 5 year old princess.  so i speak from experience.  my first husband knew that i was 'in love' with him.   all i really ;know about my present husband that he 'loves her so much'.   I feel like he is constantily cheating on me with her.  now they live down the road 2 blocks in anoter place and it makes me cringe to think of all the 'private time they have and bonding and how she is 'so' happy now with them... i said to him. that she sleeps with him more thant i do.  i just cant seem to let go.  and i think its becasue it is a literal compettion.  and he is feeling pretty important.. having 2 girls fight over him.. its an ego boost.. its cruel to both child and mother and i feel so small to think that i am in compettion with a 5year old.   its a real sick hook and hard to get out of.   

Well, my fiance and I had a long discussion about this show the other night and the way I see it as the way things are with us.  He doesn't like the fact that she would be considered his surrogate wife.  I have been telling him this since we got together at the end of May.  He said he hasn't been having her come over here to our house until some things get worked out.  I told him it isn't going to do her any good to stay away and not be involved.  He said he doesn't want to put it all on her so fast all at one time...I told him he needs to stop babying her and she needs to deal with life sometime - it isn't going to go away.  So since she hasn't been over for 2-3 weeks he had made plans - without my knowing - to take her out.  Well, since I didn't know anything about it his plans backfired and it didn't happen because of his obligations here.  So, his rude, disrespectful daughter hung up on him.  

The only time she even comes around or wants anything to do with her dad is when he is buying her something.  He doesn't agree.  I have told him all she cares about are material things and not about the relationship.  I told him that when she does come over here she doesn't pay much attention to him - it is all with my daughter - and when my daughter isn't here or doesn't pay all her attention to her she leaves.   

He said if he had the money right now like he did before he would be buying my kids everything they wanted to and I said no you wouldn't - I won't let you.  I don't want my kids to end up being spoiled brats and I want them to know what it is like to have to work for what they want and feel the accomplishment of it.  They aren't going to learn to expect everything and that they deserve everything - to be handed over to them.  He just doesn't get it. 

My daughter said that my fiances daughter doesn't even talk to her anymore at school, which doesn't surprise me.  She gets what she wants when she comes over here and that is for my daughter to treat me like s**t and all the attention on her and what she wants so it doesn't matter when she isn't here.