I have bipolar disorder. My symptoms began when I was nine years old and I had major depressions. Back in the 70's they didn't have the kinds of meds or knowledge that they have now. My sister could have easily gotten bipolar disorder, but I was the fortunate one who did. I fought depressions and suicide attempts and was put on medication that didn't seem to work. I had worked since I was 15 years old taking care of mentally challenged, being a CNA taking care of the elderly and Then became LPN taking care of the elderly... During all that time I had to fight the depression and hospitalizations. I had also attened a community college and graduated with honors and earned an associate's degree and then went on and got my nursing license. It has been a tough road and I used to beat myself up because I couldn't be like "other people". It's difficult to try to explain to someone, who doesn't understand, as to why you are so sad and depressed. I've felt hollow and empty alot of my life. It's been difficult but I had a purpose in this life and that was to take care of people less "fortunate" than myself. I had difficulty with relationships with men, because they would say that I acted like I had different personalities. It was true that I would have mood swings but I didn't understand it. It was very confusing to me. Some periods in my life I would do fine, be motivated to do things, become creative, and having fun.... but, the dark times were the worst where all I could do was lay in bed and cry and force myself to go to work. I tried to hide my illness, but people all knew there was something "wrong" with me. I felt hopeless because all the medication I took didn't work, and I would abruptly stop taking them out of frustration and being unable to afford them, and then I would crash and be hospitalized for a suicide attempt... I had also tried to self-medicate with alcohol but all that did was make me even more depressed as alcohol is a depressant, that's when I would try to end my life. Ex-boyfriends called me psycho and I lost alot of friends as I had worn them out with all of my problems and worries. I felt like giving up many times, but did not. I had still continued to work by taking care of people and that kept me going but my father also kept me going as we shared a place together and he said that I was the reason for him to live....... makes it kind of hard to go and kill yourself when someone is depending on you for a reason to live. Finally it got to a point when my father said that if I was going to kill myself, to just rent a hotel room and do it there, because he was sick of worrying about coming home and finding me dead. I know he didn't mean it, but I was burning him out along with other family members. I felt hopeless...... It's terrible to be depressed all the time and my mind telling me I'm "no good" and "kill yourself" I had gone to therapy and took the meds. that did not work. It was such a struggle to endure waking up every day and thinking "Oh my God, I have another day to get through, why did I have to wake up"???
Then, when I had turned 30 yrs. old, I had increased one of my meds. on my own, because I thought I knew what was best. Because of increasing a certain antidepressant I ended up going into full blown mania and psychosis, along with delusions and hallucinations. I actually had believed that I was the next Mother Mary who came back to earth to give birth to the next Christ Child so he could save the world. I really believed this. I also believed that I was the chosen one and that all my sufferring was worth it if it meant I could save the world. I was hospitalized and finally diagnosed with the "right illness"-----bipolar disorder. I was put on mood stabilizers and antipsychotic which took me out of "it".... I had a great treatment team and a wonderful doctor whom I'm forever greatful for. Things did get better and I tried to return back to work as a nurse, but the stress of it made me get sicker and sicker. I've spent numerous times in the hospital for "psychosis and mania", but fortunatley I've been regulated for over a year now. It is scarey to be mentally ill. I also saw angels and things that "weren't there", but I know they were there, but people don't believe me cuz I'm mentally ill. I too also thought my husband was the devil and tried to exercise him... I could go on more and more about my story. Bottom line, I am on disability. I do not feel ashamed that I can no longer work, but I have to put myself first and take care of myself. I also feel that I've contributed to society by taking care of the "less fortunate" for 15 yrs. while having a mental illness. I'm more gentle with myself now and I take good care of myself. I know my warning signs and I work very hard in therapy. The meds. seem to work, but because I have Bipolar Type 1, the antidepressants can all of a sudden stop working for some reason and then I need to go through more trials and errors. I have a wonderful husband and three cats and a bird that I love very much. I have a life and I am a worthy person despite having a mental illness. My life does matter. I have good days and I have bad days. Main thing is to take care of myself. I don't care what people say about me for having this kind of illness because it is out of pure ignorance and fear. The biggest challenge of all was to get my family to understand because they could be the most judgemental people, but I feel the reason I am here is to help people to become more informed. My family are very loving and supportive now. It can be very difficult having a family member being afflicted with a mental illness, but they are not ashamed of me and they finally understand why I acted the ways I did years ago. I couldn't help it. Bottom line is, people who judge or make fun of people with mental illness---think about it, you could have been randomly selected as I was to get this mental illness, and it could happen to one of your own family members or child like it happened to my mother's child.
Thank God for more awareness out there. I'm greatful they have made advancements in the field of psychiatry. There is hope. I hope Dr. Phil has more shows on about mental illness because the public needs to be informed. Afterall, we are people too.........................
Imagine hearing voices that don’t really exist, thinking lasers are shooting through your walls or believing that people are coming into your home through electrical outlets. For people with schizophrenia, these types of delusions and paranoia are part of daily life. Mary sees angels and demons and has even believed her husband was a demon in disguise. Then, Ann Marie and Tim would give anything to help their mother. She talks emphatically to people who aren’t there and speaks nonsense to her own children. Watch her erratic behavior captured on camera and find out whether her case is beyond treatment. Plus, two sisters, Melanie and Rachel, want to know if their minds could be ticking time bombs. Talk about the show here.
