Quote From: kafm48Hello, I'm sure my story is not unique, but I want to say it. I need to say it. Get it out. The last 3 years have been a living hell. Right now, our 20 year old son, Michael, is in short term residential treatment for paranoid schizophrenia. He has been unable to attend school or work since his senior year in high school. It's been 3 years. He got accepted to FSU on a Bright Future Scholarship the summer before his senior year. WE were so proud so happy. He was happy.
But as quickly as the excitement came, it disappeared just as quickly. A month later, he broke up with Emily, the love of his life that summer and slowly spiraled into a deep, deep depression. He turned to alcohol and drugs to self medicate and starting experimenting with harder drugs. He stopped getting up for class, followed me around the house sad and in despair. He wouldn't seek medical help and I was at a loss to reach my beautiful, gifted child. His first psychotic episode happened while visiting friends at FSU and using mushrooms that fall. He came home talking of aliens and being taken up in space ships and speaking rapidly and incoherently. His father and I hospitalized right before Christmas.
He was angry and resentful and embarrassed. He was in denial. All the things in his head were now real to him and we were the enemy trying to ruin his future in college, and with his relationships with his friends. He was being left behind and he didn't understand why. Everyone now thinks he is crazy. The football player, wrestler, community service award recipient, Calendar Couple, honor roll student etc. etc. etc. was gone.
Now, his life was involved with lawyers for a DUI, a BUI, a drug paraphernalia charge, probation, home schooling, a 3 month stay in a dual diagnosis center in South Florida, another stay in the hospital, a 3 1/2 month stay in another local SRT unit. We went to AA together, we went to family therapy, we went individually to therapy.
My husband and I separated. I filed for divorce. I needed to protect my 2 younger sons. They told me either Michael left or they were. They thought he could change if he wanted. They wanted their older brother back. Not this person that scared them, embarrassed them, made their mother cry.
No insight. Michael was still in deep denial. He only took his medications while in residential treatments which never lasted more than a few months. He didn't need the meds, he gained 40 pounds, he hated the way they made him feel and now look.
He stopped. No more Geodon, no Zyprexia, no more drugs period except the Zanax that quiets his panic attacks but is addictive and harmful in the long term. It is the only drug he wants or takes and it scares the hell out of me. Why do the doctors give it to him?
But, we are the ones with the problem, Michael believes he has no addictions to alcohol or Zanax. He has no mental illness, if everyone would just let him be, he would be fine. But, he has spoken in tongue, he gets messages from the TV. He reads the Bible for hours at a time. He can find no rest, no peace, no sleep, no happiness. He is trapped in his body and mind. He feels ugly and unloved.
His dream for the future are distant memories. He has days he thinks he can go on to college, days he can make a difference in the world, but morning comes and his demon keep him locked up inside his fears and paranoia. He can't break outside the paranoia to move ahead and he can't see it. The doctors keep saying no insight, no insight, no insight.........................................
But he has times during each day, he hugs you, says "I love You", helps you, smiles at you. He still loves football, the news, music, good food, fishing and friends. He reads voraciously. His conversations are speckled with wit and intelligent, caring, a glimpse of the past. Then the demons step in and push everyone away. No one knows what to say, it is so hard to hear the crazy stuff you simply stop talking, stop calling, making eye contact actually doing anything and everything that may upset him.
I would gladly trade places with my child. Any mother would change places. I do not want to give up hope, but I am tired and scared Michael won't come back to us healthy and whole.
I don't know where to turn anymore for help. I read, and read, and research and talk to agencies and professionals and no one can help us find a safe place for Michael.
I believe his only chance at a healthy life is to go into a long term residential facility with a structured day and medicine supervision. Perhaps a year maybe longer i hope not but, he is no longer on my insurance and is now on Medicaid and there is no where or no one who wants to help anymore. Money talks, money finds the best facilities, the best psychiatrists. I am a only a teacher my husband is self employed.
I was forced to drop Michael from my state school system insurance because he wasn't a college student and was living with his father at the time.Thank God, we have since reconciled and I have come to understand that it is not our fault, we did not cause this and we need each other to hold on to because no one else could live through what we do each day. No one could love this child as we do and no one will fight for his recovery if we don't.
I am a teacher specialist/trainer, I have a degree in psychology and i spend my days offering parents and teachers hope for their children with disabilities. I can teach them about behaviors or ADD/ADHD or learning strategies or brain research in learning. You name it i will find them help, I will teach a class, I will develop a power point, I will put on a family conference for hundreds. But I can't help my own child........and what happens to Michael when his father and I are gone?
I am so afraid for Michael . My heart is broken and aches but I will not give up. I believe in the power of collective prayer. I want to believe in miracles. Please pray for Michael's insight into the illness, please pray I locate a transitional home for him that takes Medicaid, please pray for my younger sons that they will find the courage to forgive.
Your story was so similar to mine. My Michael is in jail right now...again. He is 30 years old and was diagnosed six years ago with bipolar disorder, later schizo-affective disorder. He has had several arrests, involuntary hospitalizations, and suicide attempts. He has tried all kinds of medications but frequently chooses to self-medicate with alcohol and street drugs. He is delusional and paranoid, doesn't sleep much, can no longer focus on any activities. He also has poor hygiene. He is often angry and sometimes violent.
His brother tries to be supportive and sympathetic but ultimately feels Michael is choosing to act the way he does. As a family, we do few things together anymore as Michael becomes very stressed around other people. We are so consumed with his problems, we sadly pay little attention to his brother. We do not get together with extended family for holidays because we can't leave Michael home alone and we can't impose him on others.
We too live in Florida and can find few resources. After one of his arrests, he was found incompetent and sent to the state mental hospital. It was wonderful! He was safe yet treated by mental health professionals. He improved greatly but, when found competent, was returned to jail. Upon his release from jail, we found a group home but they closed a few months later. The social service agency provided no referrals or alternate placements for Michael. Although they had some subsized apartments available, there is a one to three year waiting list. He moved back home with us but resents what he considers our "control" over his life.
We had applied for Social Security Disability and were so relieved when he was approved. Then we learned his payment would be too high for him to qualify for Medicaid which was all I really wanted anyway! In September he became eligible for Medicare and we chose a supplemental plan that had prescription drug coverage but they only covered generic drugs, not the ones that had been keeping him well in the hospital. He rapidly decompensated when the drugs didn't work.
One of the most difficult things for me during the last six years has been navigating all the bureaucracies involved in trying to keep my son safe -- insurance companies, medical professionals, law enforcement, court systems, social service agencies, and, of course, DCF and Social Security. I have little energy for my own life anymore and feel like I am always dealing with one crisis or another. Friends and relatives mean well but they do not understand the reality of living with a mentally ill person or fighting to get them help. Last week, I snapped at a friend who asked me why I didn't just put him in a hospital! Where??? Most people out there do not realize all the obstacles the mentally ill and their families face.
Reading your post and some of the others actually helped me. I have often felt like I must be doing something wrong or I would have "fixed" Michael by now. These posts let me know that many others out there are going through the same thing.
Imagine hearing voices that don’t really exist, thinking lasers are shooting through your walls or believing that people are coming into your home through electrical outlets. For people with schizophrenia, these types of delusions and paranoia are part of daily life. Mary sees angels and demons and has even believed her husband was a demon in disguise. Then, Ann Marie and Tim would give anything to help their mother. She talks emphatically to people who aren’t there and speaks nonsense to her own children. Watch her erratic behavior captured on camera and find out whether her case is beyond treatment. Plus, two sisters, Melanie and Rachel, want to know if their minds could be ticking time bombs. Talk about the show here.
