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Topic : 08/04 Biggest Parenting Problems

Number of Replies: 100
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Created on : Friday, November 18, 2005, 03:49:00 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 11/25/05) Parents, listen up! Dr. Phil tackles parenting problems before they become big challenges. Victoria Gotti has let America see firsthand her challenges raising three boys on her hit reality show, Growing Up Gotti. Can Dr. Phil help her learn not to be such a pushover? Next, Michael Rapaport, star of the The War at Home, gives Dr. Phil a behind-the-scenes look at the controversial sitcom and asks him for help with his personal parenting dilemmas. Plus, the spanking debate continues with a couple at war over the issue. And, Dr. Phil offers advice to parents of a 5-year-old who is so friendly with everyone, she has even gotten into a stranger's car. Talk about the show here.


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November 23, 2005, 1:39 pm CST

My Thoughts....

Quote From: pel_reg

My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.  

  

She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"  

  

She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.  

  

Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ??????? 

  

I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ 

I am 23 yrs old and I can still remember a time when all I cared about was having a boyfriend. She is at the age where things like this start becoming important to her. I do not see anything wrong with you letting them spend time together supervised. I also agree with you that it should not be an all weekend event. In my home my parents would allow my b/f to come over on Friday or Saturday evenings. They would usuall give us a little space where we felt as if we were alone but never really alone. I think that you should always be open with your kids when it comes to things like sex and birth control. As long as you are open with this subject and your daughter realizes that she can come to you when she is ready to have a sexual relationship, then most likely she will. My parents were always very open about this and I did come to them when I was ready. I am not saying that she will not make mistakes because she will. I do believe however that dealing with issues before they even arise is the be policy. Like not waiting until she is pregnant to talk about birth control. There are always going to be problems becasue she is a teenage girl who thinks she is all grown up. Which someday when she gets older she will realize she isn't. I know I have. I put my parents through the same thing she is doing. I always thought the treated me like I was 5 also in all reality they were treating me the way the should. I think you are doing a great job. And being concerned is proof of that. I wasn't a teenager all that long ago believe me the rebellious girl in her will come out more and more as she gets older. Just wait till she gets her drivers license, that is going to be real fun for you. I hope this post is helpful to you. Good luck and I know I am young but I think you are on the right track of raising a respectful young woman. 

 
November 23, 2005, 1:41 pm CST

Well Said

Quote From: queentween

I have found the biggest challenge to be in defining discipline. My daughter is tender hearted, and sensitive. If she intentionally does something wrong, a stare is all it takes to get her to stop. My son is totally able to ignore me until I say "Do you want to stand in the corner?" That ends it. He is social, and the thought of standing in the corner by himself for 2 minutes is enough to end whatever he is doing. (He has, of course, had to do this several times. He stands in the corner and I put on the timer for 2 minutes and I leave the room to stay in the next room.) 

  

When kids are inquisitive, the lines are hard to see- is she spilling juice or learning to pour into another cup? Is she messing up her clothes with mud or is she looking for worms? Is he hugging the kittens or is he squeezing them? When in doubt, side with the kid. As long as no one is hurt, there is no problem- the rest is just stuff. When I found out I was pregnant, I sold all of my crystal, antiques and china. Now I have dollar store plates, plastic cups and Walmart because its a lot easier to pick up cups from the dollar store that have hit the floor than Waterford  goblets. 

I really love the last paragraph of your post. I think sometimes forget that they are children and that puts them in the learning stage still. And they can't learn unless they make mistakes. Very well said.
 
November 24, 2005, 8:46 am CST

Some Are Lazy

I find that a big parenting problem is that some parents want kids but they don't want to be "parents".  You know the type.... the ones that you see in malls that let their kids run amok and they don't even do anything to stop them because they're too lazy to discipline them.
 
November 24, 2005, 1:23 pm CST

11/25 Biggest Parenting Problems

Quote From: agoodheart

  

I just recently got married and I have a 12 years old son and my husband as a 12 years old son and to me they're different. My step son as an attitude problem towards his dad, his sister ( 16 yrs old ), me and my son. His dad won't punish him only do the simple thing and that is verbal. Talk to him but it hasn't done any good yet. He won't even crack down on him for anything. His son is in counseling plus on medicine. He has no feelings about how his dad feels, his sister feels, I feel or even my son. His son is in Martial Arts. My husband thinks that will teach him "self respect" then that way he'll respect others. To me, I think it'll just make his son get a little violent more. Thinking, "wow dad got me in Karate". He pushes a lot of buttons to for attention. He doesn't like my son or myself here. I moved out here moved back in my house letting my husband deal with his son for now. I won't move back until my husband gets his son to except his dad's "new marriage" here and having another child around.  

  

  

I have to disagree with your problems with the step-son being in martial arts. I've never seen a child that become more violent because of matial arts training, and in fact, many who have developed that self-respect, and self-control to control their violent tendencies.  

If you have concerns about step-son's behavior, then take it up with the Sifu, Master (the name varies by discipline), basically the head of the School or Dojo he is taking lessons from. They have run into this concern before, can let you know what they do to make sure it doesn't happen, and take the time to stress the lessons of not using martial arts for anything other then self-defense and the protection of those weaker then they are. 

If the teacher does not show interest in you over this, then find him a new school, but do not take him out of the one thing that may actually channel his behavior in a more positive fashion, give him physical activity and provide a sense of accomplishment for him. 

 
November 24, 2005, 5:17 pm CST

I hope you're right

Quote From: sorayanc

  

  

I have to disagree with your problems with the step-son being in martial arts. I've never seen a child that become more violent because of matial arts training, and in fact, many who have developed that self-respect, and self-control to control their violent tendencies.  

If you have concerns about step-son's behavior, then take it up with the Sifu, Master (the name varies by discipline), basically the head of the School or Dojo he is taking lessons from. They have run into this concern before, can let you know what they do to make sure it doesn't happen, and take the time to stress the lessons of not using martial arts for anything other then self-defense and the protection of those weaker then they are. 

If the teacher does not show interest in you over this, then find him a new school, but do not take him out of the one thing that may actually channel his behavior in a more positive fashion, give him physical activity and provide a sense of accomplishment for him. 

  

I know martial arts teaches self-respect and I hope my step son takes this as self-respect to. Hopefully he'll get that and respect his dad, his sister,  others and then maybe my son and I. We're separated right now because how son was doing it's been all most 3 months since I left so I hope this and the counseling plus the medicine will help my step son because I love his dad very much. 

 
November 25, 2005, 6:38 am CST

Victoria, criticism can be love

Victoria, I've seen your show, and I was horrified when you hired a coach to teach your sons some (much needed) manners, and then criticised her for telling them what to do. They're grown now, and I can't imagine how they're going to function in the real world with the attitude that everything they do is fine, and that people who correct them are arrogant or out of line. In addition, it's not just your husband who spoils them: you gave them a blank check to buy diamond necklaces, and then one COMPLAINED that there weren't ENOUGH DIAMONDS on his -- and then instead of telling him to be grateful for his gift, you got him another one that he pouted about as well. Teenagers should only have the discretionary funds that they earn at a job, and giving a teenager his own business does not constitute showing him the value of money -- when the business fails, will he pay the losses himself? Plus, you let hords of their equally ill-mannered mook friends trail along everywhere, and leave it in the hands of some hapless assistant to keep them in line. I don't know if it will work at this point in their life, but don't give them any more gifts unless they take their feet off the tables, take their hats off indoors, respect other people's schedules, and stop talking back. And if they make a foolish purchase (like Carmine's fake "chinchilla" coat), make HIM take it back, or keep it if he can't find the receipt, instead of palming the consequences of his actions off on your assistant. Maybe then, MAYBE, they have some hope of being centered, productive, and socially aware adults.
 
November 25, 2005, 7:10 am CST

how do i get them to resect me?

 I have two boys ages six and three, nothere of them listen to me. they have no respect for my rules. They break everyone and don't care of the punishment. Time outs don't work, they get right back up and do what evere it was they they got in trouble for agin. My three year old has the mintality of a two year old so some things are expected. My six year old on the othere hand , knows better. For example: I turn my back for a sec. to use the rest room, when i came back in to the room my six year old is riping my blindes down. and of couse the three year old is helping. This is something they get time outs for all the time. they do what ever thay please and short of  a good smak on the bottom(witch i don't  think would help any.) what is a mother to do with to direspectful boys. If thay run me know imagin when they  are teens.
 
November 25, 2005, 8:19 am CST

Overly friendly 5 year old

I thought Dr. Phil's advise for helping the overly friendly 5 year old was good, but I was wondering if Dr. Phil or anyone else has thought of using Social Stories  (Carol Gray) to help teach children appropriate behavior?? I work with children with Autism and have been using them for the last 12 years, and when used appropriately they work like magic for some kids (not just kids with Autism)......kids who are visual learners....and who isn't a visual learner?.......I know I am! A social story with that child (and their perspective) in the story......along with with the appropriate perspective and ......a little positive behavior rewards....... in my experience can do a lot to change behavior.
 
November 25, 2005, 8:27 am CST

11/25 Biggest Parenting Problems

My husband is an only child raised by a very strict father who was the youngest of 11 kids.  My husband feels the only way to discipline is by screaming and yelling.  Although he has never laid a hand on our little girl (she's soon to be 12) she is very scared of him.  He believes that the only way to gain respect by your children is through fear.  Our little girl is always on the honor roll, is in Girl Scouts, plays basketball, and is very sensitive to others.  She has volunteered at the local nursing home since she was 8 years old and has over 250 hours of volunteer time already!  My husband doesn't ever seem to recognize all the good things she does but certainly likes to bring to her attention things that she might not be doing to his liking.  Just last night he threw an absolute fit because our daughter didn't pick up a pop can quick enough.  He has two children from a previous marriage and is the same way with them.  He has no relationship with any of his children but this is at his own choosing.  Our little girl has tried to talk with him about wanting to have a closer relationship and all he says is "turn me in to Children's Services if I'm such a bad parent."  What can I do to get him to see that he is blessed with wonderful children.  As a result of him not being involved in the lives of our kids, I have tried to compensate for his absence and he feels that I baby the kids too much.  Any ideas out there?
 
November 25, 2005, 8:38 am CST

Martial Arts

Quote From: sorayanc

  

  

I have to disagree with your problems with the step-son being in martial arts. I've never seen a child that become more violent because of matial arts training, and in fact, many who have developed that self-respect, and self-control to control their violent tendencies.  

If you have concerns about step-son's behavior, then take it up with the Sifu, Master (the name varies by discipline), basically the head of the School or Dojo he is taking lessons from. They have run into this concern before, can let you know what they do to make sure it doesn't happen, and take the time to stress the lessons of not using martial arts for anything other then self-defense and the protection of those weaker then they are. 

If the teacher does not show interest in you over this, then find him a new school, but do not take him out of the one thing that may actually channel his behavior in a more positive fashion, give him physical activity and provide a sense of accomplishment for him. 

Martial Arts is a very good thing for all children.  They should be learning, respect, self-discipline and self-control.  I agree that if you have concerns regarding your step son's behavior, you should bring it up with his teacher, they are an excellent resource.  My almost 5 year old recently started karate and I have seen a huge difference in his behavior in regard to listening, following directions and being respectful to others.  He understands that the skills he learns are not to be used for violence.  They are only to be used in the classroom, at home to practice (with his parents' permission) and only for self-defense if someone is trying to hurt him.  I don't believe that martial arts will contribute to someone being violent.  It gives them the confidence to deal with all the problems that life will throw at them.  It also gives them the skills they need in order to attain their goals (in this case, the black belt).  I would highly recommend martial arts to anyone.
 
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