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Topic : 08/04 Biggest Parenting Problems

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Created on : Friday, November 18, 2005, 03:49:00 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 11/25/05) Parents, listen up! Dr. Phil tackles parenting problems before they become big challenges. Victoria Gotti has let America see firsthand her challenges raising three boys on her hit reality show, Growing Up Gotti. Can Dr. Phil help her learn not to be such a pushover? Next, Michael Rapaport, star of the The War at Home, gives Dr. Phil a behind-the-scenes look at the controversial sitcom and asks him for help with his personal parenting dilemmas. Plus, the spanking debate continues with a couple at war over the issue. And, Dr. Phil offers advice to parents of a 5-year-old who is so friendly with everyone, she has even gotten into a stranger's car. Talk about the show here.


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November 25, 2005, 9:10 am CST

11/25 Biggest Parenting Problems

Quote From: catlong68

Martial Arts is a very good thing for all children.  They should be learning, respect, self-discipline and self-control.  I agree that if you have concerns regarding your step son's behavior, you should bring it up with his teacher, they are an excellent resource.  My almost 5 year old recently started karate and I have seen a huge difference in his behavior in regard to listening, following directions and being respectful to others.  He understands that the skills he learns are not to be used for violence.  They are only to be used in the classroom, at home to practice (with his parents' permission) and only for self-defense if someone is trying to hurt him.  I don't believe that martial arts will contribute to someone being violent.  It gives them the confidence to deal with all the problems that life will throw at them.  It also gives them the skills they need in order to attain their goals (in this case, the black belt).  I would highly recommend martial arts to anyone.

  

I hope you're right about on the behavior in karate. My step son tries to do some of it around his dad when I was there. I have to make sure his dad knows about if it makes his son get out of hand with it. I can only tell his dad make sure his son isn't using karate as a weapon and not what it really should do for him, give him that self-respect, discipline, and control. Thanks for helping me out here on karate on what it can do.  

 
November 25, 2005, 9:23 am CST

Ms. Gotti's discipline is deplorable

 I have watched the Gotti show and I am glad she has decided to do something about her disrespectful, rude, obnoxious children.  She is correct, they treat her like dirt.  Why would anyone agree to show that on TV?  However, if she wants respect she needs to take a look at her clothes.  Someone her age should not be parading around Italy with shorts that were too short and her midriff bare.  I was wondering what the Italian people were thinking about someone dressed like she dresses.  Doesn't she have a friend to tell her or a mirror so she would know that her clothes are totally age inappropriate.  We don't allow high school students  to dress that provocatively. It looks rediculous on a middle aged women.   What kind of message is she sending her boys.   She should take a look at Mrs. Dr. Phil.  She looks great and her clothes are stylish.  No need to wear boots from the 60's unless you are appearing in a retro video.
 
November 25, 2005, 10:03 am CST

I too was too rough on my daughter Heather.

Quote From: msmom3

My husband is an only child raised by a very strict father who was the youngest of 11 kids.  My husband feels the only way to discipline is by screaming and yelling.  Although he has never laid a hand on our little girl (she's soon to be 12) she is very scared of him.  He believes that the only way to gain respect by your children is through fear.  Our little girl is always on the honor roll, is in Girl Scouts, plays basketball, and is very sensitive to others.  She has volunteered at the local nursing home since she was 8 years old and has over 250 hours of volunteer time already!  My husband doesn't ever seem to recognize all the good things she does but certainly likes to bring to her attention things that she might not be doing to his liking.  Just last night he threw an absolute fit because our daughter didn't pick up a pop can quick enough.  He has two children from a previous marriage and is the same way with them.  He has no relationship with any of his children but this is at his own choosing.  Our little girl has tried to talk with him about wanting to have a closer relationship and all he says is "turn me in to Children's Services if I'm such a bad parent."  What can I do to get him to see that he is blessed with wonderful children.  As a result of him not being involved in the lives of our kids, I have tried to compensate for his absence and he feels that I baby the kids too much.  Any ideas out there?

She is not my biological child, she is my stepdaughter. I unlike your husband, I was an only child. I was raised with my whole family catering to my every need, but I was also raised like a little adult, not much of a childhood.   

  

Heather came into my life when she was six, and came from a home where she had no rules. I wanted to do the other extreme which was give this poor little 6 year old too many rules to handle.  When my son was about to be born, Justin now 10, Heather rebelled, she is now 18. not just because of Justin coming, but because I was a poor father image.  

  

My wife with whom I was just living with at the time, almost left me, as she was caught in the middle of Heather and me.  I chose to go to family counseling out of fear of loosing the one person I knew I was meant to be with the rest of my life.  The family counseling started out rough, and got worst, when the counselor started suggesting that from the 5th week n, she would just be meeting with Heather and me. Our assignment for the sixth week of counseling was an eye opener for both Heather and I. The therapist insisted that the following Sunday, I would cancel all my appointment, I was, and still am a REALTOR.  I would wake up Heather at 7AM, help her dress, and take her out to breakfast, then spend the whole day together, and have no communication with mom the whole day, and not come back home till Heather had dropped to sleep.   

  

The day was 16 hours long, we followed all the instructions to the tee. That was the first of many day dates for Heather and me, as we are assigned to do this every other week. It became a ritual that created a bonding between us, that many biological parents don't share with their own children. Heather had to learn to rely on me, and trust me, and I learned to see all the specialness she really is.  Well she is now turning 18 next month, and graduating early out of H.S. with a 3.78 GPA out of a 4.0.  I direct a young girls dance group, that I started 3 years ago, to keep Heather occupied in something she adores, which is Latin Dancing, yes I said Latin.  My gorup now has 12 young ladies ages 7 to 16 in the Monday night group, and 6 young ladies ages 14 to 21 in the Saturday group, Heather is the Heead Dancer and Choreographer of both, and she will be taking it up prfessionally as she wishes to earn a BFA degree from Columbia Collleg starting next FALL.  

  

Although Heather is not Latin, she has also assimilated my culture, now she is a Green Eyed, Red Headed little White Girl, that can dance Salsa, Merengue, Bachata and Reggaeton better than some real Latin girls we have in the group. You could say Heather is Bi-Lingual, and Bi-Cultural. 

  

Don't know how you are going to do this, but getting your husband and your whole family can be a great first step to cure his relationship with all his children. We found our therapist through Children Memorial Hospital, if there is a Children's Hospital in your area it may be a great resource.  I will forever be Thankful to the cunselor that tought me so much about myself, and showed Heather she can trust me. Our bond is incredible. 

  

As for my wife, we are still very mcuh happily married, very much in Love, and she is a stay at home mom, and doing a GREAT job at it.  

 
November 25, 2005, 10:09 am CST

Corporal Punshment not an answer.

Quote From: thumper23

 I have two boys ages six and three, nothere of them listen to me. they have no respect for my rules. They break everyone and don't care of the punishment. Time outs don't work, they get right back up and do what evere it was they they got in trouble for agin. My three year old has the mintality of a two year old so some things are expected. My six year old on the othere hand , knows better. For example: I turn my back for a sec. to use the rest room, when i came back in to the room my six year old is riping my blindes down. and of couse the three year old is helping. This is something they get time outs for all the time. they do what ever thay please and short of  a good smak on the bottom(witch i don't  think would help any.) what is a mother to do with to direspectful boys. If thay run me know imagin when they  are teens.
Start by starting to take all the xtras away.  Video Games go first, then TV if that does not work, then anything they hold dear, going out to play or sort.  If all else fails, then try to get some counseling at your local Children's Hospital.  Also try to have them tested for ADHD, and see if this might be the stem to your problem.  Ihave my son who is diagnosed with ADD, but have friends that their kids have similar misbehaviours and are diagnosed with the ADHD. Seek out help before it is too late.  Has the teacher picked up on problems with conduct in school for the 6 year old, and does he or she have any suggestions?
 
November 25, 2005, 10:13 am CST

I disagree to a point...

Quote From: outsider1

I find that a big parenting problem is that some parents want kids but they don't want to be "parents".  You know the type.... the ones that you see in malls that let their kids run amok and they don't even do anything to stop them because they're too lazy to discipline them.
I believe it is some parents that also prescribe to the Dr. Spock method of raising children.  The be kind to them, treat them with respect and they will respect you back.  It is some of those moms, that you refer to as lazy, that I also hear saying "Michal, please behave nice, we don't want to make the man in the store angry".  Instead of just taking Micahel by the hand and saying you are going to behave yourself or else! 
 
November 25, 2005, 10:19 am CST

No girl should be dating at 14

Quote From: r_u_4real

Your daughter is to young to be dating "WITH OR WITHOUT AN ADULT". Your daughter sounds like a very good kid. Your putting her in a adult position by leting her date.  Of course you are at 16 to, but shes older and more mature to. If it was me "I would not allow her to date, but I would prepare her and talk to her about datin and the birds & bees, explain the No Zones to her and tell her she can date when she turns 16". If you let her go on birth control its  like sayin "its ok" and it makes it easier for them to give into there temptations. They have no worries of gettin pregnant or getting caught. If you dont give her the birth control then they " worry of getting pregnant and of course thats a sure sign that they had sex and they get caught". I have 2 adult sons and one 4 yr. old granddaughter. I believe a kid should date at the age of 16. "But this is just my opinion". I wish you & your family the best of luck.
 I am grateful my parents did not allow me to date until I was 16--my daughter did not date until she was 16. Please get a backbone.  She should be going out with groups of friends.  She will be pregnant when she is 16 if she is dating now.
 
November 25, 2005, 10:25 am CST

My daughter is goign to be 18 now.

Quote From: pel_reg

My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.  

  

She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"  

  

She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.  

  

Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ??????? 

  

I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ 

She just broke up with her second BF of her lifetime. The first that i even began to accept. But even though she is almost 18, I still had very strict rules. She had very little opportunities to screw up, and now she says I was right in mistrusting Michael, her now ex. She now calls him looser, and is focusing on her entering Columbia College in the near future.  

  

I limited her visits at home to 3 hours a week, anyway they wanted to break it down, or use it at once, as long as I was home that is. My wife is too trusting, and has a hang up of checking up on them. Heather on the other hand says I watch her like a hawk, and she realizes it is in my job description to do so.  

  

By limiting her this time, you can encourage her to do things with her other friends, and enrich herself with other interest. I run a dance group that keeps heather buss 8 ours out of the week. I also encourage her to go out with her girlfriends to the mall, and to the movies, as long as I know ho they are, and yes there are some I disapprove of.  

  

So set the limits early or it will get out of hand. My friend always told me I was doing it all wrong, as he has a daughter the same age as my Heather. heather is now graduating H.S. early with honors on Jan 20, 2006, and his daughter Vanessa, dropped out last year, and just had a baby boy, and has no plans to marry the baby's father. So who do you want to be like? 

 
November 25, 2005, 10:47 am CST

Been There

Quote From: msmom3

My husband is an only child raised by a very strict father who was the youngest of 11 kids.  My husband feels the only way to discipline is by screaming and yelling.  Although he has never laid a hand on our little girl (she's soon to be 12) she is very scared of him.  He believes that the only way to gain respect by your children is through fear.  Our little girl is always on the honor roll, is in Girl Scouts, plays basketball, and is very sensitive to others.  She has volunteered at the local nursing home since she was 8 years old and has over 250 hours of volunteer time already!  My husband doesn't ever seem to recognize all the good things she does but certainly likes to bring to her attention things that she might not be doing to his liking.  Just last night he threw an absolute fit because our daughter didn't pick up a pop can quick enough.  He has two children from a previous marriage and is the same way with them.  He has no relationship with any of his children but this is at his own choosing.  Our little girl has tried to talk with him about wanting to have a closer relationship and all he says is "turn me in to Children's Services if I'm such a bad parent."  What can I do to get him to see that he is blessed with wonderful children.  As a result of him not being involved in the lives of our kids, I have tried to compensate for his absence and he feels that I baby the kids too much.  Any ideas out there?
I don't have any advice, but I can tell you how this will end. When I was 9, my dad was angry because my room was a mess, he slammed his fist into the wall and I started to cry. He asked what was the matter, and I said he scared me. His reply was "Good, you are supposed to be afraid of me, that way you will obey me." I will be 21 in a month, and that has always stuck with me. I am still afraid of him. When I am at his house, if he gets mad, I take my kids and leave, I won't let my kids stay the night there. My husband has had to deal with a lot of the effects of my dads behavior. And, about calling child services? At 12 I started planning my escape. At 13 I ran away, was missing for 4 days, and then took my dad to court. I lived with my gradparents for 4 months, until my dad lied well enough, and scared and guilted me into letting the court send me home. I finally realized that I had to figure out a different way out, so I studied like hell, graduated a year and a half early, went to college 3 hundred miles away right after I turned 16, Then at 18 I married a man who I knew would stand up to my dad, because I was to scared to do it. And belive me, he's had to stand up for me more then once. If thats the relationship your husband wants with his daughter, then he is on the right track.
 
November 25, 2005, 11:07 am CST

11/25 Biggest Parenting Problems

Quote From: pel_reg

My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.  

  

She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"  

  

She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.  

  

Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ??????? 

  

I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ 

I think that restricting your daughter and her boyfriend's time together is good, and you are right- teens are masters at getting around stuff! ( it wasn't so long ago, I still remember! ) You mentioned birth control- are they having sex? If so, I would suggest having a talk- a civil talk- with the parents of the young man, and consider having a "meeting" involving both families. If these youngsters see that all the parents are a "unified front" they may be more likely to make better choices. If this sort of thing isn't feasible, then you must continue to restrict their time together, and if they are indeed intimate then you really ought to have her start on birth control. Don't feel like you are condoning the behavior- I would make it clear to her that you don't approve. However, she and the young man are not going to stop- so show her that an adult responsibility like deciding to have sex means that she must be responsible. If you get criticized by others- igonore it. It is better to empower your daughter to control her body, than to get pregnant. I agree with another poster's comment that you have already let "the genie out of the bottle" and you can't go back now. Your daughter will not miss out on experiences. She will eventually learn to have a balance of ppl in her life. Just keep strict tabs on her, talk with her openly, and just keep encouraging her to do stuff with other ppl. If she accuses you of "treating her like a 5 year old" just keep telling her that someday she will thank you. Tell her it again and again. She WILL thank you! I have a 14 yr old son, he is not dating, but we deal with many other teenager things and I always tell him that someday it will all make sense! Don' give up, one day at a time....these all sound corny, but they are true sayings.  

  

Good luck!!! 

  

Kari 

 
November 25, 2005, 11:18 am CST

11/25 Biggest Parenting Problems

Quote From: r_u_4real

Your daughter is to young to be dating "WITH OR WITHOUT AN ADULT". Your daughter sounds like a very good kid. Your putting her in a adult position by leting her date.  Of course you are at 16 to, but shes older and more mature to. If it was me "I would not allow her to date, but I would prepare her and talk to her about datin and the birds & bees, explain the No Zones to her and tell her she can date when she turns 16". If you let her go on birth control its  like sayin "its ok" and it makes it easier for them to give into there temptations. They have no worries of gettin pregnant or getting caught. If you dont give her the birth control then they " worry of getting pregnant and of course thats a sure sign that they had sex and they get caught". I have 2 adult sons and one 4 yr. old granddaughter. I believe a kid should date at the age of 16. "But this is just my opinion". I wish you & your family the best of luck.

"If you dont give her the birth control then they " worry of getting pregnant and of course thats a sure sign that they had sex and they get caught"   

 

This is a HUGE misconception. If this was true, then so many teens wouldn't get pregnant! Teens indulge in risk-taking behavoir because they think "it won't happen to me". Do you honestly think teens will say "that's a No Zone we better stop." Get real- these aren't little children! Teens think they won't get caught, they think are smarter than everyone else. The "bird and the bees" are a thing of the past- kids today know a lot. Talking frankly with your kids about human biology and exaclty how a baby is made- and talking about misconceptions like "you can't get pregnant while on your period" and so on is the best way to approach it.  I would rather empower my teen to control his/her body, than end up raising a grandchild.  

 
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