Topic : 08/04 Biggest Parenting Problems

speaking to someone having some serious difficulties most of us in raising children of teen age in a critical, judgemental tone isnt in good taste or of a mature nature.  we all are grown here, and i applaud Victoria Gotti for having the courage and heart to reach out to the greatest man for miles around to share the true fact that she is among the millions of single parent homes, raising three "MALE" children, in these days and times and admitting the Dad is a bit indulgent also, which dosent make the problem any easier, come on, give her a break.  She is in that area, the teen age years and doing it alone.  This is a tremendous task.  I was a single mom, with one Male child to raise, and it wasnt a piece of cake.  IT presents its challenges.  This is a tv mom. making a living, trying to sustain the cost of living for herself and her children.  They are no doubt accustomed to a above the average taste of living coning from perhaps the deceased grandfather, the father and who knows whoelse. so it has to be dealt with.  Hurray for you Victoria, and I know I am not alone, in applauding you for being for real, and letting all know, hey, im human, im a mom who is facing challenges like many out there, and I will succeed in this,   You couldnt have a better person in life at this time, in your life then Dr Phil.  Your gonna be alright girl.  Keep Strong and change dosent come about over night,  It takes time and a bit of patience to turn things around, but in the end youll  feel better and the boys will thank you.  Its a reward worth working for.  you love your boys, thats very obvious;, just a little homework, its gonna be just fine.  keep strong, remember laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.  ok.  Much success to you 

My husband spanks and I don't.  I don't think our children are confused.  I have always used different discipline techniques that don't require hitting (their xbox controllers are in my sock drawer :).  When they were younger, he was certainly obeyed more consistently. But now that they are a bit older, I am the parent that most often hears their troubles and fears. 

I didn't disagree with my husband's discipline of the children ever, but I was like the mom on the show-I just couldn't spank them. Our combined skills have worked well and they are respectful and well behaved, but I think my husband lost something that he didn't need to lose in the process. 

If your son is angry all of the time, there must be a reason.  More than just the fact that he is a teen.  Kids from divorce often have a difficult time.  Have you tried just listening to your son, and finding out what makes him angry?  Is he getting enough attention/love/time from you?  Is he being treated right by his father?   

One thing that parents often forget, is that your children are people too.  Just younger. 

They need love, understanding, respect and a sense of purpose just like adults do. 

If your children are mouthy and angry all of the time, it is because they are lacking one of the things I just mentioned.   

I do not know you, or your situation so I am not judging you. 

I only know that a lot of parents spend so much time trying to discipline their children, or yelling at them, or nagging them or trying to control them that they forget to show the child how special they are and how much they love them. 

The situation with your children will not get better in a day, but if you take a long look at yourself (are you angry? criticizing? belittling? dis-respectful? etc...) and try to change YOUR behavior, then in time your children will respond as well. 

Your comment of: "They are both doing everything they can to make me miserable." tells me that your children are aching for attention from you.  And, if you are giving them a lot of attention, perhaps they need a different kind of attention. 

Most children do not try to make their parents miserable, they sometimes just do not know how to appropriately express themselves and ask for what they really need. 

That is why we as adults with more life experience need to help guide them, and find a way to understand what our children really need and want. 

Like I said before, more than anything, our children need Love, Understanding, Respect and Sense of purpose.  If you can provide that for your children, they will be happier and so will you! 

Best of luck to you! 

I have a child who doesn't seem to care about material things, which is great!  She's a loving, smart, giving, compassion kid who has been very argumentative and disrespectful at home.  I'm finding it hard to give her consequences that matter to her.  Time-outs don't matter, taking away things isn't a big deal, she doesn't have friends over.  Her room isn't that interesting -- she doesn't like toys.  Taking away TV isn't a consequence, as she's gone to school most days, and she doesn't have time in the evenings to watch.  She's very involved with gymnastics, but that's tough to take away because she's required to be at workouts and the coaches would be on my case, not hers (and I have already paid for the whole year).   She's fighting with me for queen of the castle.  It's hard, too, because I'm a widow (at 34) and don't have the backup of a spouse. 

Any ideas? 

Once you establish the rules and make sure she knows what the consequences are, SHE is the one who decides if she misses gymnastics practice or not. If that is her only currency, you have to lose it.  I would also assess a fine for missing practice because you had to pay for her sport and she is choosing to waste it. I'm betting if you set up rules and respond consistently she will test you a bit and then show you proper respect. 

An example of a rule:  when I tell my children to do something, they have to say, "yes, mom" and do it.  Nothing else is acceptable. They are not allowed to ignore me, tell me they will get around to it, argue that the other child should do it or any other distraction tactic.  If they don't obey that rule, they will recieve a day technology-free (no 'puter, xbox, TV or music). 

I was a bit concerned by your description of your daughter-doesn't play with toys, doesn't have friends over, doesn't watch TV.  A message board isn't the best place to understand but it sounds like she is withdrawn?  Have you explored this with her?   

She's never been a toy player, even since she was little.  She's more people-oriented than thing-oriented.  She'll watch TV once in a while, and on the weekends some, but she's at gym from 4-7pm twice a week, and the other days the TV just doesn't come on until I want it on for me.   Her having friends over is just a time issue, and an energy issue for me (being a solo parent).   

She loves her class at school and has many friends there, and has many friend at the gym.  She's dealing with her dad's death 18 mos. ago from cancer, and is seeing a counelor for that.   

Thanks for your advice -- I completely agree with you regarding respect and obedience.   I still, though, am completely hesistant about taking away gym, since she's competing and has to be there.  But, I can make her pay for the practice that day.   

Never a dull moment! 

First off, condolences for your own and your daughter's lose of a loved one.  It is never easy. 

However, the suggestion of taking away the gymnastics and possible competition/ tournament meets is an excellent idea.  It will only take once maybe twice for it to happen and she'll be on the staight and narrow because of it.  As for the coaches riding you about her missing, tell them upfront that it is up to her if she will compete or show up for practice.  Unless she is earning money for herself with gymnastics, this activity is a priveldge NOT a right.  If you and the coaches are in agreement with this, then you show a united front and your daughter has no choice, she will know her consequence.  By all means, she will owe you the money you've spent on the practice/meet that she'll miss because it was her choice. 

This does truely work.  My oldest loves to earn money and we pay him for chores that are not a part of running the household (cleaning his own room is a part of running the household, mowing the lawn is a payed job).  Recently, my son decided to wake up early early in the morning to watch payperview movies he didn't have permission to watch.  He spent $30 worth in a month.  Guess, what?  He had to pay us back for those and lost tv priveldges for a month as well as video games as it was attached to the tv priveldge but he understood. 

What a wonderful idea!  I'm certainly open to trying anything and since this approach was successful with you and Heather it might just work for us!  I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my message.  It was so heart warming to see a step-father that cared enough to make changes.  The other part to my story is that I had a child when my husband and I married.  He was very strict with her and she rebelled as well.  She moved out two days after her 18th birthday, already pregnant.  Now, almost 8 years later, she's given me a lot of insight on things and I'm determined not to let this happen to my 12 year old.   

I'm so glad that you and Heather has such a wonderful relationship.  Best of luck to you and again, thank you so much for the idea! 

My daughter pulled that on me-I HAVE to use the computer to type my report and it's due tomorrow.  My answer was that she knew she had the report and disobeyed anyway-she made that choice.  

The cost: one school report being late.  The iron-clad certainty about consequences-priceless.