Topic : 01/18 "Fighting Over the Will"

After my dad died, I took care of my elderly mother for nine years with little or no help from my sister and 2 brothers.  I was exhausted from my caregiving duties, and also holding down a job and working non-stop for over a year without a vacation.  My mother wouldn't leave her home, so I left mine to come and take care of her.  My home was in another state and suffered nine years of neglect.   My mother wanted to stay in her own home, and I was there to help her do that. 

One day when I was finally able to get away for a much needed rest, my family came in and took over.   They violated my privacy, went through my personal diary, papers and my belongings and proceeded to totally take over my mother's care and estate.  Their motivation:  take what they wanted, put my mother in a nursing home and cut me out of the inheritance.  They said I had nine years of "free room and board."  Believe me, it was not free!  Caregiving is not an easy job.  If it was, they might have pitched in to help, instead of cause grief and take things that belonged to my mother.   

Our inheritance was supposed to be divided four ways, but my sister took my mother to a shyster lawyer who gave my sister the power of attorney, and they made up a new will, which cut me out of it although I was the one caring for mother all those years.  They wouldn't let me have any contact with my mother, and I didn't find out for six months which nursing home they put her in.  When I found out, I immediately went to see her.  She said she wanted to go home, but they had put her house up for sale without her knowledge, so she had no home to go to.  She said she never would have signed the documents if she knew what they were.  She said she trusted my sister & brothers.  Her trust was misplaced. 

I had to hire an attorney to even get my own possessions from the house where I had lived for all those years.  I walked away and never went back, not choosing to fight for what was mine.  My attorney said I was able to get $10,000 for every year I took care of my mother, but I did not pursue it.  I chose to let God fight my battles for me.   

Mom died alone in a nursing home a year after she was put there.  Her greedy children and grandchildren couldn't wait until she was dead to get their hands on her estate and take over her possessions.   That is so sad.    It's been five years and I am still estranged from my siblings and most of my relatives.  My siblings made up lies and slandered me to justify their actions.   It's sad that people I thought were my friends chose to believe the lies.  I did find who my true friends are, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. 

People reap what they sow, and from what I've been told, they are now reaping a harvest of sorrow for their actions of yesterday with regards to what they did to my mother and me.  Greed does not pay. 

It never ceases to amaze me that money becomes the focus of a  relationship more so than the relationship itself. i can understand this mothers concern for her sons well being and taking his money and telling him he cannot be trusted with the money is heart breaking. 

i have been on the receiving end of this kind of control and have now had to choose not to speak to my father again. he is focused on how much money he has, how much it is his (which it is, no question) and how everything belongs to him until he passes (true). he also feels free to give and take items freely. an example being, a ring from my grandfather given to my mother, he took back gave to my sisters and me. we then dedided to give it to one sister as she had the greatest interest in it. he then took it back saying, it belongs to me because it is valuable and i can sell it for a good deal of money or give it to my girlfriend. this was such a betrayal and when i brought it to his attention that doing that created hurt and feelings of being betrayed, his comment was.." well it's mine to do with what i want and i can give it to whom ever i want." and i said, "i thought you did give it to who you wanted it to go to." he became VERY angry and accused me of being childish.. this sparked the end of our relationship.  

i have now choosen to give up the relationship as i don't want to continue to be accused of being too sensative and childish, untrustworthy, too much of a finacial risk or too fat to be worthy to be cared about.  as you can see there are many layers to our relationship and i don't want to bore everyone with all of it, just leave it to say, my father now speaks to only one of his daughters.  

it is a terrible loss and i still cry about the loss of the father i had always hoped he might be. And i know i cannot be in a relationship with the man he is.  

i would hope this mother will be careful on the steps she is taking and the irrevocable loss she will feel if her son decides as i have that the relationship is too toxic to continue.  

i wish both of them all the best and hope they will make healthy choices in this.  

beth 

What an interesting topic and even moreso because I live in Saskatchewan.  The daughter Davene and granddaughter Amber came across as selfish, vindictive,  and uncaring towards their grandmother, Aileen. Aileen came across as extremely bright, well-informed, and shrewd when it comes to dealing with these two women.  

If grandpa wanted his daughter to own half the farm, he certainly had the opportunity to include her in his will.  He did not, maybe for obvious reasons.  I am curious as to what energy and resources Davene and Amber are devoting to their own self-sufficiency besides making the grandmother's last years of life a living hell.  

May I also make a prediction?  Some day in the future when grandmother Aileen is gone, Davene and Amber will be at each other's throats, fighting each other for control and power of the assets.  You reap what you sow! 

Fighting over a will is absolutely disgusting.  Where does this sense of entitlement come from?  I live in the Canadian Prairies and know what the land is like.  It is beautiful and it is HARD work to maintain.  There is no way those 2 women are planning to keep the farm to work it as it is, nor are they intending to spend a penny to hire the many men it will take to work the land and grandma knows that.  She wants, deserves, has earned, bought, and paid for the right to have her land as she desires until the day she dies.  Dr. Phil brought up a good point.  If the land tax were the issue, then the monetary inheritance will more than pay for that problem as well.  Obviously that is not the problem, is it.  They want as much money preserved as possible for their own enjoyment. 

Now me on the otherhand, I have one brother and 2 parents who have lived their lives making poor choice after poor choice.  There is no money and my dad has a house full of stuff that is just stuff that frankly I don't want when he is gone!  I love my parents dearly, and when my dad had his very first major health scare 3 weeks ago, I was terrified of losing him.  I'm glad that there was no money around to compromise my feelings for dad.  When he dies, we will laugh at the dumb things he did, and we will admire the wise things he did and money and THINGS will never come into it.  Thank God. 

Dr. Phil, 

You missed two very important points today.   

#1  Aileen, her husband, Aileen's daughter and granddaughter had an understanding that if he passed away first, Aileen would put the land in Aileen and her daughter's name.  Aileen has refused to do that in any form.  Aileen could establish a trust that would protect her and possibly put her daughter in a better position tax wise.  Aileen has showed the nation that she did not honor her husband's wishes or her own commitment to her daughter. 

#2  Aileen made a Power of Attorney, but refused to show it to her daughter.  Why?  What did she have to hide?  The daughter did not care who had the power of attorney, she just wanted to make sure that one was in place.  Often, when people won't show you documents, it is because they don't have them.  Dr. Phil, when you asked Aileen why she didn't show her daughter the Power of Attorney, she said that the attorney said that she didn't have to.  The real answer is Aileen did not want to, she was being ornery.  Dr. Phil, you allowed Aileen to put the responsibility on the lawyer.  If Aileen was trying to get along, she would have gladly showed it to her daughter without having to be asked.  What a slap in the face that she would show it to you, Dr. Phil, and not her own daughter!  More orneryiness! 

Aileen has showed herself to be someone who can't be trusted.  She does not honor her husband's wishes or her own commitments.  She purposely hides information for no good reason knowing that it will hurt her daughter's feelings and foster a lack of trust.  All of this could have been avoided if Aileen had simply established a trust and shown her daughter a copy of the Power of Attorney. 

Aileen's daughter and granddaughter don't trust her with good reason.  Aileen has destroyed their respect for her.  Aileen's daughter is smart to ask that she have a Power of Attorney.  She needs to go one step further and ask that she not be made the executor.  What a headache that will be!  Pay someone to do that.  It will be worth every penny. 

Dr. Phil, I'm surprised that you let that little old lady sucker you!  Aileen's daughter and granddaughter don't want to pay anymore taxes they have to and want a smooth transition when the time comes.  That is not unreasonable.  Aileen doesn't care about that and refuses to establish a trust, purposely causing hard feelings.  Aileen's daughter and granddaughter described her as controlling.  Aileen is in control and has no consideration for anyone but herself.  This is probably her normal for her, but now that the husband is gone and not able to moderate her behavior, the intensity of her controlling, selfish behavior has increased. 

Dr. Phil, please rethink this show and your responses.  Give the daughter and granddaughter the support they deserve.  Tell Aileen to show her love for her family by drawing up a trust.  Stop doing things calculated to hurt feeling and to show that Aileen is in control.  Aileen can be in control and loving!  Challenge her to that.  

Dr. Phil, thanks for listening. 

Mooses 

Would you believe I do this for a living?  I work for a corporate executor.  Lots of people name us as executor because we are not emotionally involved.  It is good for the family because they can all be mad at us rather than at each other.   

It has been my experience that money is not the biggest problem.  It's the stuff.  The pictures, the iron skillet, the little knick knacks that sat in the hutch for 50 years.  Old sibling rivalries and resentments come to the surface after death.  I can't tell you the number of times I was told that  mom told two different kids they could have her rhinestone necklace when she died.  If she doesn't write down who is to get it, they will fight tooth and nail over it and we have to wear the striped shirts and whistles. 

My recommendation to everyone is:  Don't wait until you die to give away your stuff.  Downsize while you're alive.  Rather than going to the mall this Christmas to buy something stupid that they won't appreciate anyway, wrap up a prized family possession and give it to the person you want to have it NOW!  And, watch as they enjoy it.    

Shame on the Granddaughter and the Mother.  I say "way to go Girl" to the Grandmother.  Stand your ground.  If the material things mean more to them than the time spent with you, then so be it. But let me tell you, once you lose your parents no amount of material objects will ever replace the strong shoulder and the unconditional love of a parent nor will it bring them back.  There is no replacement.  I wish the Mother and Granddaughter would stop worrying about their "inheritance" and focus more of what their Mother/Grandmother needs right now.  I lost my parents a few years back.  My father died first and then my mother.  As far as inheritance, phooey on it, they didn't have much but what they did have was split among the children as Mother saw fit.  No, I didn't get the furniture, land or other things that I would love to have but it was my Mother's wishes and I accepted it.  She left me the most precious gift of all and that was memories I cherish every day.  I do hope you both will open your eyes and your hearts to the one person that cares the most about you.