I don’t know what happened, because I wasn’t there, but I do know things are not what they always seem, and sometimes trying harder is just dysfunctional.
Some of the opinions here are quick to suggest Mynde forgive her father and get on with her life. Others are quick to suggest keeping the family together.
My mother stayed with my father, because in the early 60s the word divorce was not accepted very well, nor was it accepted in the religious communities. She also bought into the cliché, “children need their father”. Sometimes they do not!
My father was and is a diagnosed sociopath among other things. He has an exceptionally high IQ; college educated, and a pillar in our community. When we were growing up, he had the perfect car, the perfect job, he was friends with high ranking elected officials, and we had the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood, the perfect yacht with membership in the local yacht club, his own private twin engine plane, and he traveled around the world enjoying what life had to offer. He was appointed to this board and that board, president of this, and leader of that. He considered those necessary achievements to make himself above reproach, and he did. He was also a locally celebrated artist. He enjoyed a life of privilege.
My mother did divorce him, when I was in the third grade, but it wasn’t before my twin sister had been raped. Following that, she had what her doctors called a nervous break down and could not complete the school year. Did anyone ask questions? NO! My father was a pillar. I had also been molested when I was four. The story was that I fell on my stick horse. I guess I jumped off of the table or something. Just don’t figure.
Later, my youngest sister was killed; she was 11 at the time. Then my sister that had the “nervous break” down in the third grade was killed. Then my brothers were nearly killed at different times, when our father decided his secrets were in danger of getting out. They survived against the odds. One of my brothers suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 50+ % of his body; another brother has closed head injuries and lived in a coma for a few days, but my youngest brother has massive head injuries requiring surgery. The doctors said he died three times during surgery. He is permanently disabled with seizures and unrelenting headaches today. A few years earlier he had been locked in a bathroom with no windows for six weeks. Even the baby sitter died; she knew most everything. She was just a few years older that me. Now I haven’t even addressed my mother’s and step mother’s “accidents”, poisonings and deaths. Nor have I discussed my cousins or uncle’s deaths after they disagreed with him in a way secrets might get out, and I didn’t go into my boyfriends that died or nearly died that he loathed. Looking back he was jealous.
After I grew up, I went to counseling. My father got himself appointed to the board of directors at our local mental health counseling center. I changed doctors. He called me one afternoon and asked if I had ever told my psychologist that he molested me. I told him no. He said, “Ok”. He found the church that my psychologist attended and tried to get close to him, his wife and children. He even asked my doctor specific questions about me; did I mention my father was an atheist? It didn’t work.
He then faked a suicide blaming too much stress; he said he was afraid his beloved wife was going to die. This was while she was in ICU from her accident having numerous surgeries. He checked himself into a local psychiatric hospital and requested my psychologist come to see him as his doctor. After a few days the hospital started taking the necessary actions for committal, so he faked a heart attack and only agreed to go to the local hospital that I happened to work at as a cardiac nurse. He wasn’t committed. There was some kind of loop-hole he fell through.
Then he proceeded to set up my doctor. (A little thing he does very well). He discredits anyone he believes can hurt him, before they have a chance to say or do anything he deems not in his best interest. His favorite statement is, “If you are not for me, you are against me”, and he means it.
He has moved to another country now, a country without extradition. Not because his activities caught up with him, but because he believes they may. Not one of us who survived takes any comfort in the fact that he is living in another country. He is only a flight away, and we all know this.
He says he is a missionary and is working for one of the larger churches in the area. If you call that church and ask about him, they deny he has anything to do with the church. They do know who he is, and don’t want anything to do with him.
There is so much more, but the points of this story are that things are not always what they seem. You just can NOT always forgive a parent, and even if you can, forgiveness doesn’t make things go away or change the pathology of a parent’s behavior. Forgive and carry on is sometimes like believing in a fairy tale. And no, faith doesn’t always make for a good ending or something good rise out of disaster. No one had more faith than I did growing up and even into middle age.
My sisters no longer live on the face of this earth. Neither do many of my friends and relatives. They did not have to die. There lives were thrown away for someone’s convenience. They lived and I loved them. They were unique individuals. They loved the Lord and had faith, and they were cheated our of their young lives before they even know what life was about, or had a chance to be happy.
(Original Air Date: 12/05/05) Breaking up is hard to do -- and it's even worse when it destroys the entire family. When Pat announced he was seeking an annulment after 31 years of marriage, his three daughters felt betrayed. Jennifer and Kellie are doing their best to accept what's happened and repair the relationship with their father and his new wife, but their sister, Mynde, says her father is "dead" to her. Can this fractured family find a way to come back together? Plus, Mary Anne lost count of how many lies her husband, Lyle, told her, and after nine years of marriage, she kicked him out. Now Lyle says he's a changed man. Can he be believed and should she take him back? Share your thoughts.
