Message Boards

Topic : 06/22 Nasty Breakups

Number of Replies: 416
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, December 02, 2005, 03:43:10 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 12/05/05) Breaking up is hard to do -- and it's even worse when it destroys the entire family. When Pat announced he was seeking an annulment after 31 years of marriage, his three daughters felt betrayed. Jennifer and Kellie are doing their best to accept what's happened and repair the relationship with their father and his new wife, but their sister, Mynde, says her father is "dead" to her. Can this fractured family find a way to come back together? Plus, Mary Anne lost count of how many lies her husband, Lyle, told her, and after nine years of marriage, she kicked him out. Now Lyle says he's a changed man. Can he be believed and should she take him back? Share your thoughts.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

More June 2006 Show Boards.


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 5, 2005, 10:14 am CST

The Oxygen Mask Theory

Quote From: hazelann2

What ever happened to staying married? For better or for worse? I've heard say that if Divorce was a virus then there would be an epidemic? I do understand that a person can take so much, and they have to leave , but why can't we communicate before that reaches that point anymore? 
When two people enter a marriage, neither knows what events lie ahead.  There are circumstances which occur that result in divorce.  In my opinion a mate's refusal to communicate is the NUMBER ONE KILLER OF A MARRIAGE. To ignore those circumstances is to bury one's head in the sand only to pull it out years later and discover that life has gone on its merry way.  Divorce can be a blessed release and relief to both parties, not to mention the children.  I was previously married for seventeen years and my huband for twenty.  Both of us felt that we had failed miserably.  After my divorce both of my children told me that they felt relief; they'd known for years that their father and I were only "going throught the motions."  My husband's children told him that they had been waiting for this to happen for many years.  My husband and I have been married for twenty-three years.  Neither of us can imagine spending our lives with anyone else; we never knew what the word "soulmate" meant.  Now we do.  About the Oxygen Mask Theory...when the flight attendant directs the passengers to place the oxygen masks over their faces first, so then they can help the person sitting next to them, is a good analogy for life in general:  If we take care of ourselves, then we can take care of someone else; otherwise we can help no-one.
 
December 5, 2005, 10:17 am CST

Getting Married

I've just gotten out of a committed relationship because I was "too high-maintenance".  It was too much trouble for my X to move his car one day at my apartment so there was a heated arguement with a neighbor and the apartment manager asked me to move.  I was just hired for a new job luckily and not unemployed.   

  

When I went to his brother's house he didn't get up and fix me a drink.  He sat there with all of his 300+ pounds and said and did nothing.  We had just gotten back from a cruise which I paid my way for.  Had he gotten ontop of me I would probably have broken bones.  We had not had sex in 3 years+.  His brother asked if we'd found the topless deck, and I thought that was creepy. 

  

I'm sorry, but I do not accept these guys who are so-called committed, liars telling a woman they love them, and then masturbating every morning to pornography and lord knows what else they are doing.  I wouldn't even deep kiss him; had he spit in a petre dish he could have started a colony! 

  

All I can say is take care of yourselves.  I have just had surgery today and he couldn't even try to mend things so he could be there with me.  He also told me a once was a beauty queen and am no longer. He also told me I buy my friendships.  All this right at Christmas? No, I don't think so. Somebody else will LOVE my pecan Pie Cheesecake, my cooking, my classic beauty and my love. 

  

Watch a good movie :Monster, and see a reality check on how a lot of me are...creepy. 

 
December 5, 2005, 10:17 am CST

Pathalogical Liar

This story could be mine, only I don't have a home anymore.  I live in the basement of my son's house and his wife doesn't want me here. I awake to verbal and sometime physical abuse between my daughter-in-law and my grand daughter nearly every morning.  George, my husband, stole from the company I worked for, leading to my firing. He spent 30 days in jail and is working out his probation in a rehab center in St Petersburg.  I haven't seen him since July, but will probably visit him in December. In my heart, I don't think I could ever trust him with money anymore. (Like Lyle, he couldn't hold down a job and drinks) I suppose it doesn't make any sense after the 10 years of living hell we lived  through, financially  but he gave me the best years of my life in terms of being kind and caring. It was trying to be all of that and knowing he was not that finally led to the crisis. Looking at Lyle's wife, I now know why my friends and family are worried about me. I think they can see in my face the damage and know that I might take George back.  At this point, I don't know what was the bigger mistake.  Marrying George or giving in to my son's pleadings to move back to Michigan and stay with him.  In my little trailer, on my own for the first time in my life, I was beginning to find me.  But I thought it would be good to go home where I had friends and church I love and to be near my boys and their children. I want so much to go back to living by myself   again - I've found an apartment, but my unemployment has run out without one bite on my resume.  I have filed for disability, because quite honestly, I don't think I could keep up emotionally or physically with a full time job.  I have fibromyalgia, felt like a million - did things slowly, but got them done on 8 mg of prednisone (the first thing in 30 years that has worked) but the doctor is taking me off of it. I am now at 6 mg, have fallen 2x in the last 2 weeks, can't get my left arm above my head to praise the Lord at church, left leg needs help getting into a car, have to walk down steps one at a time carefully, chest is starting to hurt again and I am exhaust.ed  I would sleep 12 hours a day if I didn't feel guilty doing it.  As much as I would like to have George around again to help me, and as much as it hurts to let go, after seeing that lady's face this morning, I kind of suspect that even after therapy, we aren't going to be able to live together again.  The director there wants to take him to a therapist for medicine for his depression and an evaluation.  He threw the idea back at the director and said: "don't you think it's stupid for me to be in a substance abuse program and then go take drugs?"   

I have an idea for a business and have taken baby steps at starting it, because I have so little money.  But I could work it at my own pace, be independent and still take care of me.  - If my daughter-in-law doesn't kick me out first.  George was my 2nd marriage.  In my first marriage I walked on eggs for nearly 20 years.......but it was never as bad as this.  And I never felt so trapped, because I had the health to go out and plow new ground. At least Geroge took the time to show me that he loved me. No one in this house speaks to me and sometime when I speak to them, they don't answer.  Pray for me, I really need a place of my own to heal find out who S____ really is............... 

 
December 5, 2005, 10:31 am CST

answer to

Quote From: hazelann2

What ever happened to staying married? For better or for worse? I've heard say that if Divorce was a virus then there would be an epidemic? I do understand that a person can take so much, and they have to leave , but why can't we communicate before that reaches that point anymore? 

The answer starts well BEFORE anyone is even thinking about marriage.   How to deal with other people, including prospective marriage partners, is something that should begin in infancy.    Schools would be an ideal place -- not to replace parents or church, but in addition.  Unfortunately, too many schools are so embroiled in battles over areas of conflict that they cannot look past to places where we agree.    I am not suggesting everyone thinks the same.  I am saying that you may be Hindu, my neighbor Jewish and I Christian, but our kids all need to take turns at the slide, say thank you and pick up trash.   Personally, I am not threatened by folks exposing my child to other faiths in RESPECTFUL ways, because  I have supreme confidence and faith in my own beliefs.    

  

We do NOT have to agree, but unless we all teach our kids how to disagree, but still respect one another, unless we teach our kids to know who they are and to understand what they believe, divorces, drug abuse and the like will be the result.    

  

  

  

 
December 5, 2005, 10:44 am CST

EXACTLY!

Quote From: a_n_other

Mynde was allowed to believe for 20+ years she was the product of a sacrementally adequate marriage.  She's entitled to be hurt and disappointed that her father now considers his marriage to her mother deficient in the spiritual sense from the outset.  Whilst that may not make her legally illegimate I'm not surprised she feels devalued as a daughter.  The annulment allows her father to behave in Church, a place which is obviously important to her, as if the marriage to her mother hadn't taken place. 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

Dr. PHil always tells married people that they need to be sure that the other person really gets what they did to them and until that happens, nothing will be ready for healing. I think that in this instance, the girl's dad does not acknowledge the pain and hurt he has caused these girls by doing what he did. He doesn't really seem to be at all concerned that he hurt these girls by being so disrespectful of the family they grew up in.  

  

Personally, I'd personally be so disappointed in my dad if he had done this sort of thing. It's just not right however I think it's a shame that their dad has fallen off of his pedestal.  

  

For the girls, I hope they understand that this is so not about them. It's about him and his shortcomings, his inability to have a successful relationship with their mother - not with them.  

  

I've found over the years that the best gift I can give my worst enemy is to wish them well and hope that one day they come to a better place in life where they expect more from themselves.  

  

  

 
December 5, 2005, 10:57 am CST

NASTY BREAKUPS

Quote From: me_456

 I am currently married to a previously divorced catholic with kids.  My husband had been divorced for several years, after finding his wife in bed with his former friend, when we met.   However, he  had not yet gotten an annulment.  He told me he feared there would be reprecussions against his kids who were then attending catholic schools.   I told him that I thought he was wrong about that, but that he should talk to his priest.    When we began talking about marriage, I told him that if he really wanted to marry me, he needed to apply for an annulment.   I am protestant, but I told him that unless he was going to convert, he needed to follow the tenants of his religion or we would never have a happy marriage.   He agreed, but then found out it would take seven years to complete the process.   Because of my age, this would have mad ethe possibility of children extremely difficult or impossible.      We talked to a priest who told us that since the circumstances were very clear-cut (undisputed infidelity),  we could marry before the annulment was complete and then get the marriage blessed afterward and that that would be the same as getting remarried within the church.     

  

Later I found out that he had not actually applied for an annulment at all.   I was devastated.  I feel guilty that I did not ask for more firm proof earlier.  My husband says it should not matter to me since I am not  Roman Catholic, but  I  feel it shows a lack of commitment and even respect on teh part of my  husband.  I feel  this has placed a shadow over our entire marriage.    My husband also lied about finances.   Right now, I  almost feel that we don't have a marriage, except that we do have a child together.   He did not ask for any of this.     

  

I don't mean to sound as if I am "just a victim".   In retrospect, there were many signs that I just did not want to see.  I LET myself be blinded.  Also, there are always 2 sides to every story.  I cannot possible cover it all in this tiny space.     However, it is our son and the stepkids are all paying the price.      

  

I don't know where to go from here.   Part of me says that I should just leave and get a divorce,  but that won't really fix the religious issues.  Maybe the only real fix is to move on and seek forgiveness as dictated by my faith.   My concern is largely what is best for my son.    Leaving will be very difficult financially.   Because we live in a very small town where my husband has many connections, I fear that I might not be able to retain custody of my son.    My husband had to give up physical custody of his other two.  It hurt him very deeply.   I know he would fight harder this time.    And I don't have a lot of resources. 

  

Ultimately, I am not sure that divorce is even the answer.    It is easy to  just point a finger any ideas? 

I think that your husband has shown a lack of respect for you.  He lied intentionally about the annulment which in turn began your entire marriage based on a lie.  

I agree with you how silly it was of him to think that an annulment would cause repercussions for his children at school.  That is ridiculous.  He obviously never wanted an annulment and that is why he didn't get one. 

You should definately not feel guilty about not checking up on your intended.  You trusted him, which is a mistake we all make, however, the writing is on the wall, the cards are on the table, don't make the same mistake twice.  And if you can't trust your husband, what have you got? 

The child you have with your husband will not be better if you stay together if there is no love, or if there is any type of animosity between his parents.  He also will not be better off if you carry a resentment against your husband for the rest of the relationship.  If you can truly get past these lies then it may be better to stay but that is a very tough thing to do.  You may think you have put it behind you but then it may crop up during arguments or disagreements.  No good! 

A divorce may not fix the religious issue but is that really the reason you are even considering divorce?  Isn't it because he lied and disrespected what is important to you? 

As far as your financial situation, staying for the wrong reasons is never a good thing.  I know because I've done it.  Life is what you make it and if you feel bitter and betrayed you need to get away from him, even if it is only a separation.  Sometimes that is needed to figure out how you really feel.  You may discover you can make it on your own.  Good luck. 

 
December 5, 2005, 11:12 am CST

12/05 Nasty Breakups

Quote From: a_n_other

Mynde was allowed to believe for 20+ years she was the product of a sacrementally adequate marriage.  She's entitled to be hurt and disappointed that her father now considers his marriage to her mother deficient in the spiritual sense from the outset.  Whilst that may not make her legally illegimate I'm not surprised she feels devalued as a daughter.  The annulment allows her father to behave in Church, a place which is obviously important to her, as if the marriage to her mother hadn't taken place. 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

The end of the parent's marriage is always painful, regardless of the form it takes.  Even adult children are sad when their parents can't remain married.  However, the end of her parents marriage has nothing to do with Mynde's value as a daughter except in her imagination. 

 
December 5, 2005, 11:12 am CST

12/05 Nasty Breakups

Quote From: amanda4128

I have been married for almost four years, recently found out that everything has been a lie. He has me trapped here, I have two babies, no job and no where to go, as far as will they change, in my situation I don't think so. He has promised change time and time again and he will be different for about two weeks then he is the same abusive, lieing person.  He has broken every promise he has ever made unless I make him mad enough to carry it out and I only do that when it is something I cannot complete myself. The only  vow he hasn't broken is "until death do us part". I don't think I will ever be able to trust my husband again. In truth I want out.   

  

To the next topic: My mother left my dad after 25 years of marriage because she wanted someone younger than her. My Dad is still heartbroken, he is also a diabetic since the divorce he has had his medicine changed from pill control to the actual insulin shot. I have to remind him eveytime we talk that he did nothing wrong and that he doesn't need my mother, he has me, my sister, and my children to live for. It breaks my heart. My grandparents are almost 80 and they are devestated by it. In a since they lost their son. My mother ingnores the fact that she has a family. My sister, my children and I don't even exist to her. Her own mother was in the hospital possibly dieing about two weeks ago (she didn't die) but instead of being with her mother she was lieing around in bed with my new stepdad. So yes I do know how a parental divorce can change and hurt a family. 

You DO have options.  A woman with kids and no support is immediately eligible for everything from food stamps to section 8 housing, childcare and free tuition and job training assistance.   

Pick up your phone book.  Most phone books have a section near the front called "community pages", "helping hands" or some such -- usually after the emergency info but before the actual listings.  You should see one or more listing for something like woman's services, counseling, family welfare, etc.   Pick one and call.  Usually you can get information (on what they do, options, etc.) without giving your name.  If you don;t like what you hear at the first location, go to the next.   If you are not in an immediately threatening situation, you might want to stay away from the county/state agencies at first (that is, you don't want an official file started when you are still just reviewing your options).   (if you are in danger, call the domestic violence nu mber NOW).       

  

You sound fairly young, but even if you are not, there ARE options. 

 
December 5, 2005, 11:16 am CST

You never know

My divorce from my husband came after nearly 26 years of marriage; my mother figured out in 1998 he was seeing someone else, and it took me a couple of years to believe it.  When I filed for divorce in 2001, after deciding I needed to lead my life with some dignity and self-respect, rather than take the Hillary Clinton approach, I became the ogre who was splitting up the family.  He was lying and cheating, but because I refused to be humiliated, my adult children saw me as the demon; I was destroying the family they had known.  He is now married to the slut he ran around with and three of my four children still see him as Daddy with no faults, though they hate their stepmother.  I only have one child I am still close to, another who speaks to me, and two who will have nothing to do with me.  I am remarried as well, to a man I married for all the wrong reasons; just so I could show my first husband that someone would want me.  It's a royal mess, I'm not happy and I don't know who is.  The sorry part is that I am still hopelessly in love with my first husband and would take him back in a minute; I cannot get past it and it haunts me all the time. To make a long story short, you never know what will happen, even after a long marriage; and adult children take it FAR worse than small ones when it comes to being angry and vindictive when they decide on which parent to blame for whatever reason.  I just hope that someday I can move on, though I doubt it will happen.  Love dies hard.
 
December 5, 2005, 11:28 am CST

Adult children's perspectives

Quote From: judyblue22

The end of the parent's marriage is always painful, regardless of the form it takes.  Even adult children are sad when their parents can't remain married.  However, the end of her parents marriage has nothing to do with Mynde's value as a daughter except in her imagination. 

As I've said before, after those many years, adult children don't expect it.  The family they thought they knew and loved is gone.  The holidays are a nightmare.  And like it or not, the adult children STILL, just as young ones, question WHAT part of the situation might have been theirs.
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Next | Last