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Topic : 06/22 Nasty Breakups

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Created on : Friday, December 02, 2005, 03:43:10 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 12/05/05) Breaking up is hard to do -- and it's even worse when it destroys the entire family. When Pat announced he was seeking an annulment after 31 years of marriage, his three daughters felt betrayed. Jennifer and Kellie are doing their best to accept what's happened and repair the relationship with their father and his new wife, but their sister, Mynde, says her father is "dead" to her. Can this fractured family find a way to come back together? Plus, Mary Anne lost count of how many lies her husband, Lyle, told her, and after nine years of marriage, she kicked him out. Now Lyle says he's a changed man. Can he be believed and should she take him back? Share your thoughts.

 

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December 5, 2005, 11:31 am CST

12/05 Nasty Breakups

Quote From: vaughn15

I know that I need to wait until I see the show but sure have some questions.  After 3 children, how does one get an annulment unless one of the other was not legally divorced from a previous spouse or whatever...Anxious to see this show..... 

  

Jan 

There are many reasons why the church will grant an annulment-one of them is simply that one of the spouses was too immature to appreciate the gravity of the vow at the time it was undertaken.  To obtain an annulment from the church the spouses also need to prove that they have done everything possible to support the marriage. It isn't easy to obtain, so this Dad wasn't just a jerk who walked out. 

  

I am disappointed to see people spreading the idea that a catholic annulment invalidates the children of the marriage.  That idea is part of Mynde's problem and is simply untrue. I hope she is able to talk this over with a priest and gain some understanding of it. 

 
December 5, 2005, 11:32 am CST

People marry to young

Quote From: hazelann2

What ever happened to staying married? For better or for worse? I've heard say that if Divorce was a virus then there would be an epidemic? I do understand that a person can take so much, and they have to leave , but why can't we communicate before that reaches that point anymore? 

I know I will take a tongue lashing for saying this but, I think most marriages fail because people marry to young.  That is certainly the case with my own parents, Mom was only 18.  What is wrong with getting an education and living on your own and learning to support yourself for a few years before you get married?   

I was an "old maid" when I finally married at 33.  I'm not saying that everyone should wait this long but I was completely grown up and had experienced life I am expecting my first baby, at 35, I certainly won't be the youngest Mom on the playground but I will never have to look back and wonder about the road not traveled. 

 
December 5, 2005, 11:33 am CST

Communication?

Quote From: hazelann2

What ever happened to staying married? For better or for worse? I've heard say that if Divorce was a virus then there would be an epidemic? I do understand that a person can take so much, and they have to leave , but why can't we communicate before that reaches that point anymore? 
How many times does lack of communication have NOTHING to do with what happens in a marriage?  I am, frankly, sick and tired of the notion that one has to put up with degrading and demeaning beavior when you have no idea what is going on.  It takes two to communicate, and if the other partner is doing nothing but lying to you, how do you know you're not communicating?
 
December 5, 2005, 11:34 am CST

Hang in there

Quote From: sam1280_1

This story could be mine, only I don't have a home anymore.  I live in the basement of my son's house and his wife doesn't want me here. I awake to verbal and sometime physical abuse between my daughter-in-law and my grand daughter nearly every morning.  George, my husband, stole from the company I worked for, leading to my firing. He spent 30 days in jail and is working out his probation in a rehab center in St Petersburg.  I haven't seen him since July, but will probably visit him in December. In my heart, I don't think I could ever trust him with money anymore. (Like Lyle, he couldn't hold down a job and drinks) I suppose it doesn't make any sense after the 10 years of living hell we lived  through, financially  but he gave me the best years of my life in terms of being kind and caring. It was trying to be all of that and knowing he was not that finally led to the crisis. Looking at Lyle's wife, I now know why my friends and family are worried about me. I think they can see in my face the damage and know that I might take George back.  At this point, I don't know what was the bigger mistake.  Marrying George or giving in to my son's pleadings to move back to Michigan and stay with him.  In my little trailer, on my own for the first time in my life, I was beginning to find me.  But I thought it would be good to go home where I had friends and church I love and to be near my boys and their children. I want so much to go back to living by myself   again - I've found an apartment, but my unemployment has run out without one bite on my resume.  I have filed for disability, because quite honestly, I don't think I could keep up emotionally or physically with a full time job.  I have fibromyalgia, felt like a million - did things slowly, but got them done on 8 mg of prednisone (the first thing in 30 years that has worked) but the doctor is taking me off of it. I am now at 6 mg, have fallen 2x in the last 2 weeks, can't get my left arm above my head to praise the Lord at church, left leg needs help getting into a car, have to walk down steps one at a time carefully, chest is starting to hurt again and I am exhaust.ed  I would sleep 12 hours a day if I didn't feel guilty doing it.  As much as I would like to have George around again to help me, and as much as it hurts to let go, after seeing that lady's face this morning, I kind of suspect that even after therapy, we aren't going to be able to live together again.  The director there wants to take him to a therapist for medicine for his depression and an evaluation.  He threw the idea back at the director and said: "don't you think it's stupid for me to be in a substance abuse program and then go take drugs?"   

I have an idea for a business and have taken baby steps at starting it, because I have so little money.  But I could work it at my own pace, be independent and still take care of me.  - If my daughter-in-law doesn't kick me out first.  George was my 2nd marriage.  In my first marriage I walked on eggs for nearly 20 years.......but it was never as bad as this.  And I never felt so trapped, because I had the health to go out and plow new ground. At least Geroge took the time to show me that he loved me. No one in this house speaks to me and sometime when I speak to them, they don't answer.  Pray for me, I really need a place of my own to heal find out who S____ really is............... 

I, too, have fibromyalgia and other health problems, and know how difficult it can be.  Poverty and sickness can cause people to remain in often unbearable situations.   From my own experience, worry will only increase the severity of your physical symptoms, so try to avoid the "what if" thoughts that race through your head.    As Christians, we can pray and expect God to do His part when we do ours.  He knows just where you are and can help you out of a bad situation.  Just hang in there and don't give up.    

  

"Every end is a new beginning" is one of my favorite sayings, as well as "Today is the first day of the rest of your life..."  A fresh start can begin today.  I think in your heart you know what you have to do with regards to George.  As far as your granddaughter is concerned, I'd try to just love her and be a godly example to her, as well as to your son and his wife.    Even though you don't feerl well, try not to complain, as it only pours salt on wounds.  Look for something good to praise your daughter-in-law about daily, as well as the others in the household.  Try to become the virtuous woman as spoken of in Proverbs. 

  

Starting today, right now, with God's help, you can become the person that God intended you to be.  The first steps are the hardest, but eventually it will get easier.  God has a plan for your life--to give you a hope and a future.  His plans toward you are of peace, not evil.  Trust in Him with your whole heart and He won't let you down.   

 
December 5, 2005, 11:39 am CST

There are ALWAYS options

Quote From: me_456

You DO have options.  A woman with kids and no support is immediately eligible for everything from food stamps to section 8 housing, childcare and free tuition and job training assistance.   

Pick up your phone book.  Most phone books have a section near the front called "community pages", "helping hands" or some such -- usually after the emergency info but before the actual listings.  You should see one or more listing for something like woman's services, counseling, family welfare, etc.   Pick one and call.  Usually you can get information (on what they do, options, etc.) without giving your name.  If you don;t like what you hear at the first location, go to the next.   If you are not in an immediately threatening situation, you might want to stay away from the county/state agencies at first (that is, you don't want an official file started when you are still just reviewing your options).   (if you are in danger, call the domestic violence nu mber NOW).       

  

You sound fairly young, but even if you are not, there ARE options. 

You sound young enough to have a full life still ahead of you, and your children deserve that.  The above response is one of the best I could hear, and I can't top its advice.  Get your self out NOW and look at your life; you will be the one who will save the future for yourself and your children.  Thank God that you found out things early and still have time to make you and your children happy and well cared for.  The best of luck and my prayers are with you.
 
December 5, 2005, 12:12 pm CST

12/05 Nasty Breakups

Quote From: mistyc

I know I will take a tongue lashing for saying this but, I think most marriages fail because people marry to young.  That is certainly the case with my own parents, Mom was only 18.  What is wrong with getting an education and living on your own and learning to support yourself for a few years before you get married?   

I was an "old maid" when I finally married at 33.  I'm not saying that everyone should wait this long but I was completely grown up and had experienced life I am expecting my first baby, at 35, I certainly won't be the youngest Mom on the playground but I will never have to look back and wonder about the road not traveled. 

I agree with you, I do think a lot of people marry too young but i think a lot of it is that people do not really understand the committment and take vows serious now days, it is just too easy to get a divorce and I know people who go into a marriage thinking that if it doesn't work out then they will just get a divorce. I think too, that there are people who jump into marriage thinking they will be old maids if they do it now. I have single friends who are constantly thinking these kind of thoughts and they want to marry and have a family so bad that it cinsumes them and affects them in many ways. I was 29 when I married and 37 when I had my first child and 39 when I had my second, and I have absolutely no regrets on how my life has layed out. I actually enjoyed being single, I got a good eduacation and great experiences, I loved life to it's fullest. Of course I often wondered if there was going to be any one for me and of course I had a desire to have children but I also knew that God had a great plan for my life and as I worked with children/teens of all walks of life, I loved it and was happy with waht I was doing.............I believe Good things come to those who wait and are willing to wait for the best that God has for them. I am happy with myhusband and children and fel very blessed to have them in my life and I pray for those who do not have life time mates, that they will pray and live their lives to it's fullest and expect great things in life. Life is meant to be enjoyed and though I may not be the youngest mom on the play ground, I am one of the most active mom's out there. We are an active and happy family. Congratulations on your new addition.............
 
December 5, 2005, 12:15 pm CST

12/05 Nasty Breakups

Quote From: dagmmd

As I've said before, after those many years, adult children don't expect it.  The family they thought they knew and loved is gone.  The holidays are a nightmare.  And like it or not, the adult children STILL, just as young ones, question WHAT part of the situation might have been theirs.

I know kids feel responsible, but the reality is that they aren't.  Children can certainly  be a challenge that is hard to overcome, but there is no way that they can ever be the cause of a divorce.  The couples who crash on the rocks of difficult parenting issues would have eventually crashed on something.   

  

  

 
December 5, 2005, 12:18 pm CST

12/05 Nasty Breakups

Quote From: dagmmd

My divorce from my husband came after nearly 26 years of marriage; my mother figured out in 1998 he was seeing someone else, and it took me a couple of years to believe it.  When I filed for divorce in 2001, after deciding I needed to lead my life with some dignity and self-respect, rather than take the Hillary Clinton approach, I became the ogre who was splitting up the family.  He was lying and cheating, but because I refused to be humiliated, my adult children saw me as the demon; I was destroying the family they had known.  He is now married to the slut he ran around with and three of my four children still see him as Daddy with no faults, though they hate their stepmother.  I only have one child I am still close to, another who speaks to me, and two who will have nothing to do with me.  I am remarried as well, to a man I married for all the wrong reasons; just so I could show my first husband that someone would want me.  It's a royal mess, I'm not happy and I don't know who is.  The sorry part is that I am still hopelessly in love with my first husband and would take him back in a minute; I cannot get past it and it haunts me all the time. To make a long story short, you never know what will happen, even after a long marriage; and adult children take it FAR worse than small ones when it comes to being angry and vindictive when they decide on which parent to blame for whatever reason.  I just hope that someday I can move on, though I doubt it will happen.  Love dies hard.
I can certainly understand your pain of being lied to and ran around on; I was in a similiar situation for more than 3 years before I stuipidly married the guy that emotionally cheated on me repeatedly.  Now, after months of emotional abuse and being run-around on, jerked around, and having my reputation driven into the ground with lies, I am trying to get an annulment or divorce to finally be free of him. I learned this lesson the hard way:  LYING, CHEATING MEN DON'T CHANGE!!!  You deserve so much better than what he did to you.  I was glad to read that you did not back down from divorcing him, and that does not make you the "ogre that destroyed the family".  You did the right thing by divorcing this guy.  I also know how it feels to still love them despite all they've done to hurt you.  From one woman to another, I beg you, if he ever asks, please don't ever take him back!!!! Both him and that "slut" you described will get theirs in the end if they don't change, both for their adultery and for resorting to lying and deceiving and manipulating to make you look like the bad guy to the children.  I hope everything works out with you and your children.  I know you still love him, but you deserve someone who'll love you in return.  Another thing I've learned (and am still learning) is that God picks you back up when you fall.  Don't be afraid to cry out to Him; He cares and has better plans for you than the emotional turmoil you and your family are going through.  Hang in there!  You will get through this!
 
December 5, 2005, 1:05 pm CST

Family is the most Important Thing.

Couples get married and as they mature they sometimes grow apart.  For the families, this can be a difficult situation for all.  These people need to realize that they are still a family and will always be a family whether the parents are together or not.  Family is the most important thing in a persons life.  My mother past away unexpectedly 2 years ago.  My mothers last words to me were "I am so blessed because I have so many people who love me."  What a wonderful feeling for her to have before her passing.  That is very comforting to me and my family.  I am so grateful that I can look back and say that we had a wonderful relationship, one I will always treasure.  I still feel her presence near me and it is very comforting.  Since her passing, I have been able to reflect back on the wonderful times we had.  Since my mother's passing, my father has remarried.  Not all of my family has accepted this new person in my father's life.  I have been able to support my father in his decision.  I don't always agree with some of the things in their relationship, but also respect my father enough to allow him to make his own decisions.  I am their to support him because I Love Him.  Because of this support, I am able to continue to have a wonderful relationship with him.  I am also able to get along with his new wife because I don't let my frustration of issues get in between our relationship.  I reflect upon how my parents raised me.  Last night as my father was laying there in the emergency room, I was thinking of the many wonderful times that we have had.  What a wonderful father he is and how much he means to me.  Don't get me wrong, life has not always been peaches and cream.  My father has always been one to have a hard time expressing his feelings.  I had to work hard in order to have the special relationship with him that I have.  As far as the situation with the new wife and some family members, I just keep telling them that they are hurting themselves, the family,  and dad by not supporting his decision.  Who he is married to is not their decision, it is his.  I find myself wanting to spend less time with these family members because I don't want to hear the negative comments.  I worry about these family members when dad passes on.  Are they going to have a comforting feeling or are they going to have regrets that they can't do anything about after the fact.  It will be too late for them to resolve any issues.  I want these guests to be able to resolve their issues and to be able to enjoy their family.  There is so much truth in what my mother always told me.  "You have friends in your life and you have your family.  Your friends will not always be your friends, but your family will be there forever.  Treat them with respect and love them no matter what, because in the end your family is all you have." 

  

Sincerely, 

grc 

 
December 5, 2005, 1:17 pm CST

Re: Whatever happened to staying married

Quote From: hazelann2

What ever happened to staying married? For better or for worse? I've heard say that if Divorce was a virus then there would be an epidemic? I do understand that a person can take so much, and they have to leave , but why can't we communicate before that reaches that point anymore? 
In a perfect world, maybe.  I took those vows once "til death do us part" and he checked himself out.  Couldn't communicate.  I guess that's why I don't believe in marriage because there are no guarantees.  Things change, people change, ideals change.  I'm perfectly content never getting further than co-habitating, although when I finally figure out how to extract myself from this relationship that will not happen again any time soon.  When your spouse  "listens" by outright denial and turning everything around to make it your fault or your problem, when he does not respect you, when he hurts your feelings just because he can, there isn't much left to communicate about.  Both people have to be open to and willing to communicate and a person can only beat her head against the wall so long before she knows it's time to save your breath and move along.
 
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