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Topic : 06/22 Nasty Breakups

Number of Replies: 416
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Created on : Friday, December 02, 2005, 03:43:10 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 12/05/05) Breaking up is hard to do -- and it's even worse when it destroys the entire family. When Pat announced he was seeking an annulment after 31 years of marriage, his three daughters felt betrayed. Jennifer and Kellie are doing their best to accept what's happened and repair the relationship with their father and his new wife, but their sister, Mynde, says her father is "dead" to her. Can this fractured family find a way to come back together? Plus, Mary Anne lost count of how many lies her husband, Lyle, told her, and after nine years of marriage, she kicked him out. Now Lyle says he's a changed man. Can he be believed and should she take him back? Share your thoughts.

 

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December 5, 2005, 1:26 pm CST

He Won't Change

I was astounded at the constant lies Kyle tells his wife.  He has no right whatsoever to ask her to take him back, especially after what he did after getting caught  going to a strip club. He has no right to put his hands on her and choke her.  When I read Kyle and Mary Anne's story, it was like reading the horror tale of my own marriage, except my husband did not go to a strip club (that I know of).  He'd lie about anything and everything, from money to who he was and wasn't calling and spending time with, to when and where he was or wasn't working to what he was doing at his (wild) buddy' s house to whether he'd pay the bills.  It was a living nightmare.  Any questioning from me would provoke indignation, threats, hostility, sarcasm, and rage.  Questioning his strange behavior would get me a sarcastic, smart-aleky, hostile retort  and malicious threats with a full blown fight resulting, with me receiving most of the physical injury.  My husband also enjoyed choking me.  I went to work numerous times with dark marks on my chin and/or neck, complete with splotches of bruises on my arms.  He also lied to both mine and his family about everything; he drove my reputation into the ground with lies.  My family took his side and believed him in almost everything; to this day they still blame me for most (if not all) of it.   And like Kyle, he has not been accountable for his actions, but has tried to keep an emotional chokehold on me- he's asked me to take him back, swearing things would be better, that he'd changed, that he still loved me, etc...(along with a reminder that "I was his wife whether I liked it or not).  I am still battling the emotional and psychological damages he inflicted. 

  

The cowardice of these men just blows my mind.  I hope that Mary Anne doesn't end up in the pitfall of taking Kyle back.  He is only saying he's changed to see if she'll take him back and let him get away with what he's done!!!  Don't buy it, because it's garbage!  Women deserve so much better than that!  We don't deserve to be lied to, cheated on, played, or physically attacked, ever.  No, I don't think Mary Anne should take him back.  She deserves so much better. 

  

Men like that DO NOT CHANGE, and they CANNOT BE TRUSTED.  PERIOD.  

 
December 5, 2005, 1:35 pm CST

Annullment

Someone please help me out here but I thought that a divorce could be annulled prior to consumating the marriage but afterwards required a divorce.  How can someone with 3 kids and a 31 year marriage simply get an annullment?
 
December 5, 2005, 1:36 pm CST

Understanding Myndie

It is unfortunate that the Catholic church chose to use the term annullment for what is in essence a divorce recognized within the religion.  The idea that "the marriage was never valid" makes Mynde feel that she has been bastardized by her church.  I can imagine that Mynde is questioning everything she thought was stable in her life---her family structure,  her father as its leader, and her church community.  Nothing was said about when and how the father and his new wife came together and how Mynde's mother feels about the change in her status due to the annullment.  Perhaps Mynde feels that she is betraying her mother by accepting the new wife.  Whatever the reasons for the divorce/annullment/remarriage, these events have forever altered the family as it was.  If that means that Mynde is uncomfortable being around her father and his wife, her wishes should be respected, as she did not create the situation.  She may find it best to keep her distance and just communicate with her father on her own terms by card or by letter or by meeting him on his own once in awhile.  I think Dr. Phil erred in putting his own values/experiences in the forefront regarding his own father.  Each case is different.  There are many people out there whose relationship with a parent changes following divorce---they exist in their new reality and can do so happily.  Life changing events like divorce cause us to question who we really are, what our values really are, how we really want to behave, and who we really want to have in our lives.  It is not wrong for Mynde to take whatever time she may need to ask these questions and make these decisions for herself and I hope she'll do so without feeling guilty.  
 
December 5, 2005, 1:49 pm CST

I Know You Are Right

Quote From: grjaadzack

I can certainly understand your pain of being lied to and ran around on; I was in a similiar situation for more than 3 years before I stuipidly married the guy that emotionally cheated on me repeatedly.  Now, after months of emotional abuse and being run-around on, jerked around, and having my reputation driven into the ground with lies, I am trying to get an annulment or divorce to finally be free of him. I learned this lesson the hard way:  LYING, CHEATING MEN DON'T CHANGE!!!  You deserve so much better than what he did to you.  I was glad to read that you did not back down from divorcing him, and that does not make you the "ogre that destroyed the family".  You did the right thing by divorcing this guy.  I also know how it feels to still love them despite all they've done to hurt you.  From one woman to another, I beg you, if he ever asks, please don't ever take him back!!!! Both him and that "slut" you described will get theirs in the end if they don't change, both for their adultery and for resorting to lying and deceiving and manipulating to make you look like the bad guy to the children.  I hope everything works out with you and your children.  I know you still love him, but you deserve someone who'll love you in return.  Another thing I've learned (and am still learning) is that God picks you back up when you fall.  Don't be afraid to cry out to Him; He cares and has better plans for you than the emotional turmoil you and your family are going through.  Hang in there!  You will get through this!

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement; over the past four years, they have been few and far between (I hate saying that, I WILL NOT be a victim!)  I don't think it will ever return or he will be back and luckily I have friends that would kick my rear end if I even thought of giving him the time of day. 

  

You are right about God's help; my faith has helped me beyond what I ever imagined and has gotten me through this nightmare.  I keep reminding myself, He doesn't give us more than we can handle. 

  

Thanks again and good luck to you! 

 
December 5, 2005, 1:51 pm CST

I have an example of good breakup

Quote From: lh2000

It appears that this show does allot to demonstrate what not to do, rather then what to do.  When is there going to be a show with people who end relationships without getting Nasty or those who have done well after a break up or those who are great parents or those that have great relationships with there kids as adults or those that are debt free and living with in their means?  It seems these shows are few and far between unless of course someone is selling a book or a plan of some sort.  I think there is as much to learn from getting to know those who handle life well then looking at the mistakes of those that don't.  The topic line up lately make me feel like the whole country is dysfunctional.

  

 

  

 

My parents were married for about 20 years, and i was 16 when they divorced.  I must say that was the best decision they could have made.  I am 23 years old now and I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and my dad.  One of the problems I would have is if I say something good about mom to dad and vice versa, but it's not a problem; they are both mature enough to be able to be open about it.  They are not remarried but both have significant companions in their life.  There were problems at first of course concerning boundaries and money, but that's natural, and I must say I am proud of how they handled things and came out of it.  I am not worse for it, in fact I think if they had stayed married it would have been worse.
 
December 5, 2005, 1:52 pm CST

Forgiveness

The lady who will not forgive her father is only hurting herself.  Forgiveness sets us free.  Anyone I cannot forgive is in control of me.  Forgiving them does not say what they did was ok. It says I'm not going to be bound to the misery of my resentment. 

Michelle 

 
December 5, 2005, 1:53 pm CST

Pat and daughters

I think Pat should be able to do whatever he wants to and make any decisions he feels he needs to for his life and his daughters need to grow up. It's his life.  I think the daughters need some counseling so they can see how how selfish they are acting.  They need to realize that life isn't always going to be cushy and comfy and WILL change.  If you can't go with the flow in life, you'll never make it.
 
December 5, 2005, 2:00 pm CST

Saint Myndie

Myndie is close to 31 yrs old?  Good grief, grow up. "Stuff" happens. She was not able to to admit that maybe she had something to give, but no it was just her dad. Where's their mom in all of this? It can be a give & take situation. I don't blame the dad--she was whiney, oh, woe is me.. She's had a pretty good life if this is all she has to worry about. Her dad & mom agreed on the divorce--it wasn't Myndie's decision to make. Grow Up!!!
 
December 5, 2005, 2:00 pm CST

Don

 
December 5, 2005, 2:01 pm CST

ANNULMENT

I think mynde is being a big baby. doesn't she want her dad to be happy. i thinks she's making a big deal out of nothing, it's not like her dad got a divorce because of  his new wife. she is not a "bastard" child now just because her dad got an annulment and i think it is wrong for her to use it. 

 
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