Topic : 06/22 Nasty Breakups

Thanks for your reply.  I am going to leave but I have to wait until I finish college or I wont be able to take care of myself  and my son will be in college then and I need to be able to help him.  I've still got three years to go.   

I don’t think the question is whether to take him back. Its knowing when to leave. Sometimes breaking up is inevitable. Are you ready to face what could be if you stay together too long before splitting. Have you secures finances. Do you have a good job, your own checking and savings account and can you pay the bills. If you stay together have you taken steps to sufficiently protect yourself from financial ruin if he becomes frustrated or angry. Staying together can be much more stressful then parting. If you can, leave now or make him leave. Worry about mending fences as you both learn to live independently. I didn't take my own advice. I lived with “the love of my life” for 5 years and was married to him for 15. He was a brilliant engineer (a genius): my mentor, my best friend, my lover, and my husband. We each had two children from separate marriages (his lived with his ex-wife and mine lived with us) and one of our own. I thought he was perfect. Upon reflection perfection is tough to live up to. There was some abuse both physically and emotionally (maybe on both sides of the fence). After about 12-13 years of marriage I found us drifting apart and I had an affair to fill that emotional void. After that, no matter what we did, the marriage couldn't be saved. I know it’s not as simple as I had an affair.  It never is. There were so many factors that came into play, but the end result was me asking for a divorce. After a discussion, we decided we wouldn't split up immediately because we had a then 13 year old son. My intent was to end the relationship taking our time to get control of our emotions and finances and ensure our son had a smooth transition. He hoped by not splitting immediately our marriage could be saved. We were both wrong. He went into a deep depression and who could have known that his depression would be the beginning of both financial and emotional ruin. I am sure I am not without blame.  However, the end result of dragging our feet was complete and utter financial and emotional devastation. We lost everything (our sanity and our jobs).  In fact, my car became my home for 4 months. I know it was depression that ensured our financial ruin. During the last year we were together, I was called every name in the book in front of both our friends and my children's friends. I won't get into the specifics, but that was the worst year in all of our lives and we will not soon forget it. He told me that "he would show me just how cruel the world could be without him."   He stopped caring about everthing including himself. He couldn't see or he didn't care that destroying our finances ensured the destruction of his son. Our son was spared the humiliaton of being homeless by my then 28 year old daughter and her husband. He is actually flourishing away from the stress and tension that our own household provided. Our breakup was emotionally difficult for my daughter (his stepdaughter) as well. She did manage to maintain communications with her step father (and I didn't discourage it). However here it is now 2 years later and she continues to be very angry with me. It is to the point that she doesn't even acknowledge me as her mother. I am a stranger to her. I am still struggling (through no fault of hers) due to an accident and other circumstances which rendered me unemployable (at least to the extent of my previous job). My husband (once a brilliant engineer) took minimum wage jobs for awhile and then moved from California to Kentucky (I think to prevent garnishment of his wages). Because I have no income I don't assist in the financial burden of my youngest son. I don't believe my son's father takes any financial responsibility either.  For some reason, my daughter sides with her step father and believes the problems in the marriage rests totally on my shoulders. I hope that some day she will understand that it was “our” problems and not “my” problems that caused our breakup. Barring her understanding, I am hoping it really does not matter to her. I am not sorry for the break, only for the destruction of my relationship with my daughter. The moral of this story: It’s not whether or not to maintain a marriage but it’s whether you have properly maintained your own finances and emotional self to be on your own. Sometimes the issue is knowing when to leave. 

you're not married to someone 31 years and get an "annulment."  That's a divorce.  I don't care what kind of stripes you put on it, a horse with black and white stripes is still a horse, not a zebra. 

What a wuss!  I'm amazed this is even an issue.  Dr. Phil, you need to set this guy straight about the definition of annulment and being a d-head. 

Dallas 

I've read several of the messages to Nasty Breakups and I just thought if I put my experience, perhaps someone out there just might get some valuable information to help in their own plight. 

My husband and I divorced after 13 years of marriage.  We were virgins and very much in lovewhen we married.  He was conscripted to Vietnam, and as is such a familiar story, he was wounded and sent home (his brother, sadly was killed up there).  He nightly fought the Viet Kong in his mind and eventually it all became too much and he felt it was better for us all if he left the marriage.  It had been an extremely difficult 13 years with only a few lovely memories salvaged from times frought with attempted suicide, threats with a carving knife and many other nasty situations. 

The day he left I took a deep breath - I said to myself that life goes on, the kids still have to go to school tomorrow, I still have to go to work, I still have to pay the bills and I will need to take on the responsibility of caring soley for out children.  He never paid maintenance for the girls at all, feeling that in signing over his half of the mortgage to me for which I had to pay, was his contribution to providing for his daughters!  I know in these emotionally volatile situations neither party finds it 'easy' to think straight - we are wounded from the events, and our broken dreams, so we view things differently.  I let common sense over-ride my feelings and I believe it was for the best.  I did not go through any custody battles, none of that - I just told him he could see his children when ever he wished, just give me 24 hours notice by way of a phone call.  He agreed to this arrangement and in his erratic way, he would see them every weekend for four or five weeks, then he wouldn't see them at all for three or four months.  I felt it was important for my daughters that I remained strong, constant, and reliable.  They needed to know that one of us would provide for them, that their dinner was always on the table, their uniforms always laundered and ironed ready for school on Monday; they needed to know I would take them to their sports and extra-curricular activities, and that I would always be there for them if they were ill.  I believe that my holding on to that constant in their lives, gave them the courage they needed to face their future and build their lives.  They have grown up to be successful, independent women, well adjusted, with a deep love for BOTH of their parents.  They understood their father's reasons for leaving but have been able to express their pain, and disappointment and as adults, it's wonderful that at least a couple of times a year we can get together and celebrate each other and life.  My ex-husband remarried a few years ago (three years ago) and I get on extremely well with his wife.  She is a lovely lady who totally understands my feelings and the feelings of the girls and the dynamics involved in our family.  There is no friction, or tension and definitely NO NASTINESS.  Life is far too short for nasties.  If you can rise above the personal injury you feel with your husband leaving, and maintain that strength for your kids, you would be amazed at what miracles follow....the best part of all is you learn to live in peace and harmony and that's the BEST gift you can give your kids.  No matter what your experiences are with your husband - don't ever put him down to your kids - he is their father and let me assure you that when they are adults, they will remember how you behaved in bringing them up, as mature adults they will understand and appreciate the sacrifices you made, and they will ultimately have a very deep and profound respect for you - such as is difficult for me to put into words here - but I wouldn't swap it for the world. 

May I wish all good things for you and your family and I pray you find that door to living an objective life with your children so you may ultimately live in peace and tranquility and enjoy the fruits of your labour in the future.  God Bless, take care, "Kangaroo 60"