Topic : 12/08 Extreme Follow-up

Michelle and Jamey, My name is Connie and I watched the follow up show today and I totally feel the way you feel. It was as if I were sitting in your spot and my husband in Jameys. I've been married for 21 years to a wonderful man and we have one daughter whos 6 and a half. Shes  a wonderful girl and very high strung and active. I like you did not grow up in the best of circumstances my father abused my mother brothers and I he drank a lot and you never knew whether to speak to him or walk on by because either could provoke him to rage out. I'm just like you I feel this anger inside me and I broke down and cried when you said you felt as tho it were an act to be "good" so to speak and not fly off the handle. Everytime I have a blow up and act out in anger towards my child or husband afterwards I say to myself that I wont do this again and I try my best not to, then I do like you walk around feeling the fire inside and just put on this happy face and they look at me like with the least thing she's gonna blow.  My child has suffered because of my outburst in fact like i said it looked like me and my daughter in the tape of you and your daughter. My husband is like Jamey he stands back and waits for the proverbial crap to hit the fan without doing anything. I'm like you I will blow my top and get angry at the drop of a hat and i'm like Dr. Phil said angry because of the situation I want to control stuff thats beyond my control and get angry when i cant. We live in a mobile home thats bareley 700 square feet and we feel like were on top of one another all the time. Hopefully we will be adding on to my mothers house and all living there soon. She's elderly and I have no one to help me take care of her needs so living there is the best option for us now plus we will have more room to breath. Our truck is a 1996 and still runs in good condition. I pray everyday it holds up. I work full time so does my husband and he does a lot of extra work on the side to make ends meet. Please know that by your going on the show you will help thousands of women just like us that have this problem YOU ARE NOT ALONE MICHELLE. Take all the help Dr. Phil will give you. I wish he would give you a car tho.....and maybe a years worth of rent to get you outta your parents house that would have been an answered prayer for you all. I will follow your story ..... 

Maybe between all us women who feel like you we can get together and make a change in our feelings so we dont perpetuate the problem to our kids. I will keep you in my prayers.    Connie 

Dear Michelle,  I did not see the earlier show, but caught todays and I HAD to write to you.  I hope you read this message.   I want you to know that I understand that feeling inside of you.  I was so very much like you 25 years ago.  I thought I was this horrible person because I behaved horribly.  I had three children by the time I was 24.  I was so angry I did not know what to do.  I was not angry about having kids and being a wife,as having a family was what I desired most in life.  I was just angry and I would rage over the least little thing.  I screamed and yelled at my kids and felt like I did not deserve to have them or even to be alive.  I had extreme anxiety, felt so uncomfortable leaving my house, it just got worse and worse.  My husband did not know what to do.  I don't know what your childhood was like, but my dad was an alcoholic, but a hard worker.  He was a dictator, when he found something had been done wrong he would beat my brothers and I , if he beat one of us he would get all three, if we looked at him while he was spanking us, he would accuse us of being disrespectful and beat us again.  If we did not do  He would whip us anyway.   These things would happen due to not putting our bikes on the kickstand, or not putting up the dogs in their pens, he would come home grab us out of a dead sleep, screaming and yelling and whip us.  We would know he was coming home drunk sometimes and our mom would put us in the car and we would try to run away. He always found us.  He held us at gun point twice.  Once making us sit up and watch the news to see how much better we had it than everyone else.  I could go on and on.  But we all hid it and put on a "normal" front for the world to see.  When I left home and married at 18, I did not understand where all this anger was coming from.  I knew I had reason to be angry, but felt it should go away since I was not at home any more.  Finally after fighting this rage in me for almost ten years with my kids (I did not beat them or call them names but I raged and scared them often) I found a therapist through my husbands job.  I would not be alive today if it had not of been for that therapist.  It was just in time because I had begun to believe I could not change and began to think my kids would be so much better off without me.  I just did not want to live like this anymore.  Going through therapy saved me literally.  I found out I was not crazy. I found out the XanaX the internist had put me on to control the constant anxiety and shaking and nightmares I experienced had made me worse and I was addicted to it without realizing it.  Finally I was sent to a rehap for "codependants" and got off the XanaX and was helped with more intense therapy there.  I found out I was not alone, I found out I could continue to improve.  I found out that as I got better my childrens behavior automatically improved.  I found out I deserved to live.  I loved my kids more than anything else, and hated the way I behaved and until therapy I did not know I could change.  I did not want to do to my kids what my dad did to me, but I could not change alone and a husband just is not qualified to help some one like me.  I'm here to tell you Michelle that I've been out of therapy 15 years, my anger is mostly gone, when I am angry and feel it reaching an inappropriate level, I remove myself from the situation and calm down.  I don't have the level of anger I once had, but I think I will deal with this the rest of my life.  I am so happy however, my children are ages 26, 24, 21 and I'm raising my 9 year old grandson since he was born.  They love me so much and they show it ,they tell me what a good mother I am and what a great life they have had.  They hug and kiss on me all the time and we, my husband also, laugh and have so much fun together.  I am so blessed, my faith in God is stronger and I realize that I did deserve a chance and so do you.  YOur children will respect you for going through the tough work it takes to be different.  ONe day they will look at you and tell you that...so DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP.  It is so worth it.  Do I feel completely different, no not always, AT times I still feel like that lonely scared little girl I once was.  I sometimes still feel like I am on the outside looking in and I am now 45.  Some days are difficult when I have memories.  Sometimes I feel bad about how I used to be, but I quickly think about how far I've come and how loved and respected and ADORED I am by my husband and kids.  All those years ago, I really did not have a clue what love was and I had none to give, but I now know how good it feels to express love and enjoy life, just to laugh and feel comfortable in my skin( most of the time!) 

Life is good.  I'm proud of you Michelle for taking this step to change.  It's because you love your kids.  You may not feel it now, but slowly it will become real for you. 

Just know that is another female out here who understands and cares.  I promise to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.   

Dear Michelle: 

My heart goes out to you in a very big way.  I almost think that it is not really even anger that you are dealing with, but depression.  Depression about your whole life can so easily turn into this awful anger that you describe and live with every day.  It has been your way to survive your entire life.  To make sure that you could get through one day and go on to the next you have learned to use anger just to get by.  You are not alone in your struggle by any means.   

I haven't read all the message boards about your situation, but I know that people can be very cruel and quick to judge.  Don't allow insensitive people to ruin your resolve to continue to change.  Looking at you on TV, I see something in your eyes that is soft and kind and wants so badly to love and be loved without any anger.   

I am sure that you are receiving the absolute best in care through Dr. Phil's show.  Have any of the people that you have met with talked about using anti-depressants to help you feel better?  I strongly believe that anger is fear turned inwards.  I don't think you are so much angry as you are just plain old afraid. 

   

For myself, I like the person that I am better on anti-depressants than without them.  

  

I have a feeling that you are going to get much better and that you will be fine.  Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story with the world. 

  

  

I too have mitral valve prolapse and have often had the "fight or flight" feeling, but had no idea that the two could be connected.  Do you know if there is any information on this anywhere on the internet?  Are there any treatment options to help deal with the feelings?

I  am glad that Michelle is able to see how her behavior is affecting those that she loves and is willing to go through the work to change.  I want to encourage her to keep at it even when it seems like it isn't working.  It is still working.  Even when those around you seem unsupportive in anyway, keep doing what you think is right and best.   

I am also saddened by those people that have been putting her down.  Never can you help a person by condeming them!   

There is a book that is religious based  but still awesome in its concepts(I am very religious but a different religion than the book is based on).  It is called Boundries.  There are subsets of this book that are not as good but the main book Boundries can help any person in any situation. 

Dr Phil, if you have any books specific to anger management or recommend any, please let us know. 

I just think it is terrible how many people are posting such negative comments.  Negative comments only tear down people.  We should focus more on being positive and helping to build each other up. There are so many people in the world who suffer on a daily basis from unhealthy mental states and a great deal of it has to do with the way other people have treated them in their lives.  There is a saying that "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."  Through this message board, we all have the chance to support Michelle and help her get one step closer to recovery by showing her that we value her as a person instead of trying to rip apart her self-esteem any further. 

  

Michelle has acknowledged her problem and is trying to fix it.  She is very brave for going on national television to discuss it with Dr. Phil.  More power to her and her family while they're dealing with this crisis in their lives. 

My husband and I watched you on both shows and we both felt the same about each show. I think you are not being understood. We can see how your daughters manipulate the situation with their drama queen behavior. When they throw up or cry and curl up and act scared, it causes your husband to fight with you and gets the focus off of them and causes you and your husband to fight. Children learn at a very early age how to manipulate their parents and how to pit them against each other. The problem is that your husband is not supportive of you when you are disciplining the children.  Even if he disagrees with you, he should never let the children know. I do believe that you might sometimes be misdirecting your anger for your husband at your children and this is totally understandable under your circumstances. You are living with your mother and have no car. You are probably angry with your husband because you feel that he is not doing his job and providing for you and your family the way he should be. It is our opinion that most of your family problems are because of your husband and not you. He needs to step up and be a man and take care of his family, financially and emotionally. We also feel that we, as parents today are told not to spank or yell at our children and are made to feel as though something is wrong with us if we do. This is exactly what is wrong with the children of today and way they are having so many problems. The children are not learning self discipline and want everything handed to them. We also think that Dr. Phil sometimes makes more out of a situation (for the shows sake) than needs be. I thought you could use some words of support after reading all the negitive emails you have been getting.

I too understand how Michelle feels to a certain extent. I have struggled with anger under the surface for a couple of years. I don't condone her acting out( this is her problem it is not because of anything her family has done), but I can understand the terrible anger you feel in the moment and then the horrible guilt you feel afterward. I want to commend her for having the courage to go on the Dr. Phil show and get help so that her and her children can have a better life. Her story can help many people realize they have a problem and prompt them to get help. It really hit home for me when Dr. Phil discussed that people with anger issues have a high level of expectancy and when something happens that you don't expect, you lose it. My anger stems from my childhood, My mother was mental ill and my father was an alcoholic, who beat my mother. I got help with my anger after I experienced- lashing out, seeing red, blacking out, while arguing with my ex-husband. I was completely out of control and scared of the anger inside of myself.  Luckily, no one was hurt but ultimately the relationship ended. I still struggle with feelings of anger but not to that extreme. Michelle if you read this just know that it can get better and you and your family can heal. You are not Crazy as some judgmental people may think.  

  

Good Luck 

 I need Dr Phils help, I have 5 mental disorder, is that messed up or what?

I'm on meds  now (TRILEPTAL) and this person that I know told me I needed to be on meds with all the rage I have inside of me.  So I did it for him for a while, now I'm doing it for me but still I have this depression inside that I suffer from. I'm so pissed off because I'm reaching out for help and a lot of people I know here at home wont help me. I'm frustrated and pissed off now,  I need to go to a clinic. Does anyone know where I good clinic is??  If you saw me last night is was a disaster, I raged and picked up **** and threw it and start jumping up and down.  I start screaming at the top of my lungs  I said I can't take this **** anymore.!!!!!!  I have so much rage inside, I throw fits and skid out of driveways and start screaming as loud as I can. I need help so bad with this, I'm total out of control with my rage inside, it's effecting  with my emotions and sleep I feel somebody beat the **** out of me. I'm so stressed out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I would have no problem telling Michelle to her face what I have said on the message board.  I grew up in a home where my dad beat my mom almost daily and I suffer from depression, however:  I chose to deal with my problems rather than say "oh well you have to like it or lump it"   I have two little girls and I don't yell and scream at them, even when they can get on my last nerve.  My Mama is the sweetest little darling on earth and she is also a rape victim.  So don't try to feed my this load of garbage about not being able to help yourself.  These innocent children deserve so much better.I think Dr. Phil needs to give Michelle's children a voice because they are truly helpless.