Topic : 06/07 Moms' Biggest Mistakes

Dr. Phil,  

The hardest part of being a single Mom for me has been the outside interference from my family.   My mother, and my siblings.  I came from an abusive family background, my childhood was a nightmare and my adult life has been as well.  And now, I have moved 300+ miles away from my abusive family and they are abusing me through my children.  To the point that it has caused my youngest son, now 13, very serious psychological issues.  What do I do in a situation such as that? 

And by the way, Dr. Phil - I watched your show yesterday.  In your opening dialogue on "Ask Dr. Phil and Robin" - you said something to the effect of 'what is with you people who write to Dr. Phil and then you're surprised when you get a call from our producers?  Do you not think we read our mail?'   

I'm going to put you to the test, my friend.  I've prepared a very detailed letter of the family abuse and the ordeal I am currently dealing with involving my children, and to be honest, I don't think that anyone except for you can possibly help me!  I think YOU are my ONLY hope.  I'll be sending my letter PRIORITY MAIL on Monday, Dec. 12 - it says on the envelope "Desperate to Save My Children."  And it's no exaggeration.  I'm asking you desperately for your help.  Do you really read your mail??? 

As I see it, you can't gaurd your daughter from herself!  It is time for plain talk!  And perhaps some counseling for your daughter! 

Soon she will be 18 and you will have no say in how and where she takes her life!  I don't feel you should be holding yours back because of mistrust of her! 

It is time to lay the rules down with her and make her know you mean it!  That you are depending on her to be responsible so that both your lives may be better! 

17 is not 7!  Your daughter is old enough to hear it like it is!   

It is time to quit pussy footing around on what you have to say to her! 

I'd explain to her that you know she is maturing!  That you don't always want your relationship to be just mother the authoritarian and daughter....but as friends....and as friends you should be open with one another!  And that you want to move your business out but are counting on her to respect you not only as her mother but as her friend to not bring boys into your home to engage in sex!  That it is your home and hers for as long as she really needs to be there, but you want the sanctitiy of your home and privacy respected!  That when she turns 18 and can't abide by your wishes she is free to move out!  However you are hoping that you can trust her to live by home rules!  Since you are paying the rent! 

Also tell her you are concerned about how she is exploring her sexuality the way she is and are hoping she will seek out some counseling and will help her to find some!  As she may not be comfortable discussing it with you!  That you want her to make the right decisions for her life and she should want ot as well.  That she should be willing to make sure that she is no way using her sexuality as another expression of self punishment as these things can be intertwined!  That you care for her and want her to be able to know she is picking companions for the right reasons! 

But bluntness counts.  Expressing it with love and concern but as well with some authority!  Honesty is always the best policy and walking on eggshells won't change it for you!  Only you can make a difference her.  And obviously your daughter can't read your mind.  Time to tell her what is on your mind and offer her as well as yourself some opportunities to change the predicament you are putting yourselves in! 

But in no way do I think you should hold up your opportunity to advance your career for this!  Offer your daughter some trust and have some faith.  Because I tell you, your daughter will be leaving soon enough and you will have held yourself back for nothing!  And you will be kicking yourself later on if you don't! 

Mother of 5, all grown up and flown the coop! 

teenagers these days have no respect.    These "kids" on this episode expected thousands of dollars of gifts from their mom who works 2 jobs (i think) to support them.   I forget exactly what item it was but that was the exact model they wanted and if they didn't get that exact item then it "wasn't christmas".  I think it was something about a specific car the girl wanted.       The point is - these "kids" as we refer to them as  are NOT kids - they are teenagers and if they are old enough to drive then they are old enough to get a part time job and help their mother out.     As much as i empathize with the mother and i don't mean to be rude when i say this - honestly -  But she needs a smack upside the head!.   She needs to tell her "kids" NO for a change and not feel bad about it.    They may moan and groan and be a pain in the butt and whine about not getting their way, but if she put her foot down and said NO and made them go out and get a part time job, then maybe things will go smoother for them and the kids will learn the value of a dollar. 

The mom had always catered to them - giving them what they wanted - and this is how they turned out - selfish.       The only way to teach a kid the value of money is to teach them young and not spoil them with everything they desire.   Sure every now and again splurge but do not buy them everything under the sun because their friends have it - make them earn their money.    Even young children who get an allowance who want that PlayStation game - have them earn the right to get that game - do chores around the house and depending on how much the parent gives the kid for the chores and how much that playstation game is - the kid could have that ever-so-wanted game within a month! 

Cheers