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Topic : 01/03 Love Resolutions

Number of Replies: 128
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Created on : Wednesday, December 28, 2005, 12:02:44 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
It's a new year and time for resolutions! If you're looking to put the spark back into your marriage or find the relationship you've always dreamed of, this is your year to turn your love life around. Dr. Phil's first guests say they've lost that "lovin' feelin'" in their marriage because they bicker about everything -- from what to watch on TV to who should drive the car. Will they learn to become the stars in their own marriage? Then, Dr. Phil follows up with Janet and Noelle, who are determined to find a man. After reading Love Smart and brushing up on their dating skills, how will their next dates go? And Jeannie and Jo-Ann are back to get more dating advice from Dr. Phil. It's time for these guests -- and you -- to get a love fix in 2006! Share your thoughts.

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January 3, 2006, 9:18 pm CST

Same here!

Quote From: fennyfer

I watched the couple who bickered and  what Dr. Phil said when he commented that if one person (he spoke to the woman - naturally) makes the necessary effort that the other person in the marriage will come around.  That would be lovely.  What does one do when the other person believes that he has done nothing wrong and that what his wife has changed is as it should be.  In other words, he takes no notice of her changes and makes none himself at all.  Why should he, it is not HIS problem.  I am just recovering from major depression - some related to this issue.  How can I ever get to who my authentic self is when I have no support....he says I will do anything I can to help her -- except make changes in my actions.  My husband said he watched the show and thought Dr. Phil was right about telling the woman she needed to change....He did not relate to the implications at all.  Now what do I do.
I am also suffering form sever depression,  and have problems with bickering with my boyfriend of 2 years.  However, he thinks that argueing is fun, and keeps our relationship entertaining... 
 
January 3, 2006, 10:28 pm CST

Hang in there!!!

Quote From: horseluver

    I have been dating my boyfriend for more than 2 years now.  I am 20 years old, and he is 18.  I love him very much.  He dropped out of high school his second semester of his senior year to become a manager of a company he is still working for.  The office that was here closed down, so he was going to have to move to continue working for this company, which is his dream.  Bue he didn't want to leave me, so I told him if he didn't leave, I would break up with him because I didn't want to hold him back from his dream. So he left.  He lives 3 hours away.  We didn't talk for the first 3 months he moved.  Then we started dating again.  I get to see him 2 or 3 weekend a month.  And  we talk everyday on the phone, but every time we talk on the phone, we're always bickering at eachother.  And he tells me, "he likes bickering; it keeps our relationship interesting."  I have a hard time dealing with this because I want someone I can see whenever I want to and to be there for me since I'm dealing with depression.  He says that he's going to move back if he can when he opens hihs own office.  But he also says that there are not any cities near me that he can open an office in. 
    My main priority in life is to find love and happiness.  He told me that his main priority in life is to be succesful.  He say's, "if you're rich, then you're happy."  But I know that money doesn't buy happiness.
    He has hinted to me that he has bought me an engagement ring, and he really want me to move in with him...  but I can't even afford my car payments every mont, I have a horse so I would have to have somewhere to keep him, I'm still in college, and what would I do for a job?  Plus, I don't want to move that far away from my family.
    When I watched Dr. Phil today, the couple with the bickering problem reminded me a lot of my boyfriend and I...
    What kind of New Years Resolution csould we make for eachother so I can be happier with our relationship? 

How long have you guys been long distance? How did you date before moved? How much school do you have left? 

I think you should finish school, then consider moving where he is. Unless there is a local university where he is. Especially if he doesn't have an education, it will make it so much easier for you guys. You will be done, then he can go back to school when he is ready, for business management or something.  

My husband and I are highschool sweethearts, and we had a long distance relationship for 2 years, and I mean long, I was in California, and he was in Alabama, and we made it work.  

It's sounds like there are alot of things kepping you away from moving in with him. I would go with your gut.  

My suggestions for New Years Resolutions: 

1. Don't argue to be right 

2. Pick and choose what is important enought to argue about. The way I do this is... Try not to talk about that subject for an hour or so, then if you still remember why you were arguing, this it is important enough to argue about.  

 
January 3, 2006, 10:45 pm CST

01/03 Love Resolutions

Quote From: jim1970

There ARE NO marriage minded women (not ladies) in this country.  They want to spend, spend, spend and send the poor guy into bankruptcy.  Then they dump him and go to the next poor fool. 

  

To American women, marriage is nothing more than a platform where they try to control us.  Now, "ladies," I'm not talking about men who cheat (but most husbands who cheat wouldn't have to if wives just do their job and put out!).  MEN are the rulers of the house and the kings of the domaine.  Women follow the orders. 

  

  

No marriage minded women? Well, let me tell you something, I am happily married to the greatest guy I know, We have what you call a loving and respectful marriage and we work together on making each other happy. MAYBE if you were not so stuck on your self, you would find a loving and caring lady who would respect and care for you but since you are the all mighty king and master of the universe and ruler of your kingdom, you are losing the battle here. Maybe tune it down a bit and change the attitude, MAYBE if you would become a happy, caring and loving person with love and respect, you could actually fall in love with a nice lady and actually be happy. but in the mean time, your not going to find any one to make you happy becasue it isn't your desire to make any one else happy but to make them your servent, Who died and made you God? Get over it and look around and look who is backed in the corner all by himself feeling lonely and depressed cause he can't find some one to love and respect him, it sure the heck isn't this American woman, and hey, my hubby is getting what he wants and deserves: love, respect, cooked meals, a family, and yep, even after almost 13 years of marriage, he gets all the sex that he wants and it all comes from under one roof. Maybe, if you were more like him, loving, caring, compassionate, romantic, happy, intelligent........you could have it all as well. Grow up dude, your fighting a losing battle so you might as well suck it up and start making some changes, that's if you want a loving and caring wife who would love to cater to you, I cater to my husband because he is loving and caring, a great husband and father and a hard worker and he deserves it, but I am not a slave nor am I a door mat, I am his wife, the one that he loves and cherishes and would die for..................so almighty king, how is your way wotkin for you? I actually feel sorry for you but I do believe that people can have a change in heart and I pray that some day you will, I don't like people being unhappy and miserable, just not the way God planned it but in all reality, we do it to our selves.......................Gotta go, hubby just walked in the door, and his wife is gonna go greet him...................
 
January 4, 2006, 1:09 am CST

01/03 Love Resolutions

Quote From: jlovett

How long have you guys been long distance? How did you date before moved? How much school do you have left? 

I think you should finish school, then consider moving where he is. Unless there is a local university where he is. Especially if he doesn't have an education, it will make it so much easier for you guys. You will be done, then he can go back to school when he is ready, for business management or something.  

My husband and I are highschool sweethearts, and we had a long distance relationship for 2 years, and I mean long, I was in California, and he was in Alabama, and we made it work.  

It's sounds like there are alot of things kepping you away from moving in with him. I would go with your gut.  

My suggestions for New Years Resolutions: 

1. Don't argue to be right 

2. Pick and choose what is important enought to argue about. The way I do this is... Try not to talk about that subject for an hour or so, then if you still remember why you were arguing, this it is important enough to argue about.  

 We've been long distant now for about 5 months.  Before he moved, we loved each other very much, but we argued ALL of the time.  I'm definatley going to try your ideas on the argueing.  I know I need help with it cuz I always want to have the last word, and so does he... plus he likes to argue...  I won't be finished with school until next January.  He doesn't plan on going back to school.  He says he doesn't need it for this business...? I really would love to live with him, but I just don't want to leave everyone and everything that I have hear behind...  I can't decide which I should do...
 
January 4, 2006, 2:10 am CST

Contempt

I want to lecture LOUDLY:  Don't spout contempt for half of the human race! 

Women, don't use Misandry. (Misandry is to men as misogyny is to women)
Men, don't use Misogyny.

If you use contempt in your daily thoughts & words you will have a miserable time in life and you will not be able to get a good working relationship.

Too many women throw misandry around as if it were good for them. Wrong! The same goes for the men who are starting to throw misogyny around in the same way. Doing so will corrupt your life and make getting a happy home life near impossible.

I dated a lot. I met a lot of women. I did not have a second date with a woman who used misandry. PERIOD.  Most men feel the same way I do. This may well be hard for women as we live in a culture which has not as of yet stood strongly against misandry: women are not at all familiar with social pressure to stop this form of contempt. Too bad! Do it anyway.

Contempt is the best predictor of divorce. The best predictor of divorce by far is the contempt held by one partner for the other. Get contempt out of your life and you will be a better person. Better people get dates and get spouses.

Lecture mode off...
Melisandra
Sandra
Sandro
Sundry
Masonry
Edit...
Ignore all
Add to dictionary Melisandra
Sandra
Sandro
Sundry
Masonry
Edit...
Ignore all
Add to dictionary
 
January 4, 2006, 2:48 am CST

tracking in mud-grass-snow-dirt...

I understand that the first couple was incessantly bickering and needed to cut each other some slack over the little things.  However, I dont know many women(other then Robin apparently)who wouldnt get annoyed over grass-mud-snow-dirt-whattheheckever-getting tracked in all over their freshly washed floor.  Especially considering all one has to do is take off their shoes to solve this problem. 

  

I symapthize with this particular probelm as where I live(not Southern Ca like the doc and his wife) we get all kind of weather.  Every season something new is getting tracked in all over my white floor.  Which, btw, was a very bad decision on my part.  In the future I will be staying away from white linoleum!  tehe  Do I take it personally when the kids or hubby get mud and dirty snow all over?  Well yes!  I have to say that I do!  And the reason is IM the one who cleans the blasted floors!  Im also the one that has said, only about a million times, to please take off your shoes and place them on the shoe mat which is right by the doors and easily accessable.  It isnt rocket science, after all.  Its simply, in my view, a matter of consideration and respect.   

  

Hearing how Robin doesent care if clay(or whatever else)gets tracked in all over her floors had my eyebrows raised.  Had me wondering if she didnt have help with the housework.  Which, as the docs wife,  I would certainly hope that she did!  Personally, I would think something wasnt quite right if the doc didnt get some help in for Robin at least once a week.  But the point is, I dont know ANY woman who would be just fine and dandy with their husbands or children tracking in all sorts of nonsense all over the clean floors.  Now perhaps this is just me?  Are there actual women(besides Robin that is)who honestly wouldnt care if their hubbys tracked nonsense in all over the house when simply taking off their shoes would avoid the whole mess?  I dont any personally.  Are there any out in cyber land?   

  

Just curious!    :) 

 
January 4, 2006, 5:39 am CST

01/03 Love Resolutions

Quote From: jim1970

There ARE NO marriage minded women (not ladies) in this country.  They want to spend, spend, spend and send the poor guy into bankruptcy.  Then they dump him and go to the next poor fool. 

  

To American women, marriage is nothing more than a platform where they try to control us.  Now, "ladies," I'm not talking about men who cheat (but most husbands who cheat wouldn't have to if wives just do their job and put out!).  MEN are the rulers of the house and the kings of the domaine.  Women follow the orders. 

  

  

Looks like everyone is pickin' on you in this discussion.....  If you play guitar you might want to take this book's advice and turn all your woes into a Country Song......
 
January 4, 2006, 6:40 am CST

Men and Women - Good or Bad

Quote From: singer7

Uummmmmmmm, excuse me, (as she clears a roar out of her throat) but I have never ever ever been unfaithful in any relationship I've had and certainly not while I was married or should I say unhappily married for 7 years. I didn't even date one single guy until after I had been legally divorced for one whole year! Not even a phone relationship! I happen to know some priests that are pretty great people. Do you stereotype everyone? Yes, there are some women who are bad just like there are bad men and bad priests but don't throw the baby out with the bath water! As for the short skirts and plunging necklines??.............A man's self control in sexual areas is NOT the woman's responsibility. If you see a short skirt or plunging neckline..........wear blinders......close your eyes.........look the other way............think about grandma's sagging breasts............use a little self-control! You sound just like man since the beginning of time when Adam said, "It was the WOMAN!!!!" For the love of God............PLEASE seek counseling! 

  

   

  

I am saddened by the back and forth between men and women accusing the opposite sex for being unfaithful, horrible individuals.  I am a woman and I cannot tell you how many tears my men have placed in my eyes and how my heart has been broken...But through it all, gratefully I came to understand that I was the one choosing bad men due to things that happened to me as a child.  I have come to see that there are honorable men and honorable women throughout the United States.  It is unfortunate that moral standards have decreased throughout the years and I do admit it is much harder to find good apples in the bunch, but I have met some incredible people in my life.  If it had not been for those genuine people perhaps I would not be writing today.   

 
January 4, 2006, 7:55 am CST

To Buy the Book or Not

Quote From: oilwife81

My husband and I argue and bicker and everything all the time.  I've told him that its coming down to counselling or court, and he flat out refuses counselling.  I am not ready to give up yet.  He doesn't want to go to counselling because he doesn't want to talk about things to a stranger.  So I suggested buying a book, that I would read and read out loud to him, and then we could discuss things afterwards.  Well he doesn't think that will work.  I asked him to just give me 30 minutes a day--what does he have to lose. 

  

My question is this: Is there anyone that is kind of in my situation where the husband or wife doesn't feel like reading a book will help? And is there anyone who has read the book by themselves and has noticed an improvement, because they were able to change their attitudes and it affected their partners? 

  

Please reply if you can offer suggestions before I buy the book. 

Thanks 

I have been there and done that.  Boy, oh, boy could I relate to you.   My heart goes out to you.  My suggestion to you is buy any book that you could think of that could be helpful on the subject-- including books on psychology.  Do not give them to your husband to read, however, leaving them around the house (in good reading areas).  The idea being just in case your husband gets curious.  The biggest and number one reason to buy the books (or get them from the library) is to become informed.  Being more informed on  the subject gives you more tools to work with. 

  

After you have done your homework, thoroughly you may then be able to share with him some of the positive things that you have learned.  Don't get discouraged if he doesn't comment or if he doesn't say what you want to hear (by you remaining silent at that moment may be the best way to handle a negative remark).  Each person is an individual and we really need to respect that just the same way that your husband has to be able to respect that.  Remember, it takes 2 people to argue and to bicker.  Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk out of the room and involve yourself with something else until both of you can talk about the situation in a calm manner. 

  

When men refuse to go for counseling it does not mean that they don't love their wife--from experience I have come to realize that many men do not want to deal with their emotions.  It is much easier for a woman to do this as we have been designed to become mothers and nurturers.  Don't be upset with your husband for not reading and don't threaten him with divorce not unless you have done all your homework and are ready to separate. 

  

What I am about to suggest might be difficult for some to absorb, but sometimes in order to truly come to understand our mate, we need to understand why he says what he says and why he thinks the way he thinks.  The hard part is that sometimes it is necessary to forget our own needs and desires for a few weeks until we observe the man.  Come to look at all his good and all his bad and weigh them.  Chances are he is a great man with imperfections just as we too are filled with imperfections.  It is truly unfortunate that often time alot of the work goes on the women.  

  

  I will quote my friend Mark as he is quite aware that he can be difficult ,  "I know that I am a pain in the neck, but I am her (wife) pain in the neck."  His wife just smiled with his acknowledgment.  

Good Luck.  I hope that you and your honey will find middle ground and peace. 

 
January 4, 2006, 11:02 am CST

01/03 Love Resolutions

Quote From: oilwife81

My husband and I argue and bicker and everything all the time.  I've told him that its coming down to counselling or court, and he flat out refuses counselling.  I am not ready to give up yet.  He doesn't want to go to counselling because he doesn't want to talk about things to a stranger.  So I suggested buying a book, that I would read and read out loud to him, and then we could discuss things afterwards.  Well he doesn't think that will work.  I asked him to just give me 30 minutes a day--what does he have to lose. 

  

My question is this: Is there anyone that is kind of in my situation where the husband or wife doesn't feel like reading a book will help? And is there anyone who has read the book by themselves and has noticed an improvement, because they were able to change their attitudes and it affected their partners? 

  

Please reply if you can offer suggestions before I buy the book. 

Thanks 

I am stitting here feeling in the same boat as you when it comes to our husbands. 

He also refused conselling although I have gone on my own and I find that that only helped for a while. None the less I have read the Dr. Phil book relationship Rescue and he did not and we didnt do the excercices. I would like to do that now since my marriage is headed for divorce. Try being with someone who thinks they are always right and you cant talk to them because they keep it all bottled up inside!!!! 

I personallly think that you should buy as much as you can and read it to help yourself. The more knowledge you have about men the better. And you will learn things about yourself  too. 

You never know he may get into it as you will and that would be an asset to your relationship. 

Good luck! 

  

 
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