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Topic : 01/06 No More Excuses With Star Jones

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Created on : Wednesday, December 28, 2005, 12:07:25 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Do you know someone who has every excuse in the book for why they can't get it together? Along with Star Jones Reynolds from The View, Dr. Phil challenges his guests to take charge of their lives. Marchelle says her life has been a rollercoaster ride for the last 18 years. She studies Dr. Phil's advice but can’t seem to get it quite right. Find out what Dr. Phil has in store for her. Then, Deann refuses to be in a relationship until she has zero debt. She says she has a lot of great qualities, but her finances are making her unattractive. Plus, Chris says her macho military look scares men away. Her daily attire is fit for the battlefield: baggy clothes, no makeup and she doesn’t do her hair. Dr. Phil uncovers what's really keeping her from dating. Talk about the show here.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

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January 6, 2006, 2:10 pm CST

I can Relate

Quote From: dan62301

Xtremeairy,   

  

  It goes a bit deeper than that, but your reply was most appreciated and more than welcomed! I'm touched that someone would take the time to pay attention to something I said! I had a mother growing up, no father... not even a steady father figure. I wrote Dr Phil a letter that got into a fair amount of detail, or enough I would think it would spark an interest. We'll see. 

  The thing is, is that she was more like an aquaintance than a mother. We saw more of the mail man than we did her. I'ld hate to think about it, but she may very well have seen the mail man more than us. Am I deliberately being disrespectful, no. Am I attempting to paint you a picture with as much of a realistic image as I am able so you can better see and understand my sincere concerns, yes. 

  Imagine if you will... 3 young children not of legal age to be left alone, but were in fact alone while their mother pranced around town, had her fun, refused to accept any type of responsibility, enjoying life as much as she could, never telling her children where she would be, what she would be doing or who she would be with. Keep in mind, you are a young influencial child, and you see almost on a daily basis, a different adult male come in and out of your life and home sometimes never to be seen but maybe once or twice. Also envision this... as you ate your hotdogs, grilled cheese and powdered milk... yes, powdered milk! I dont ever suggest you try it, dear GOD that's some nasty stuff! Havent had it in years and I can still taste it! 

  Okay, so I'm back from my visit with my trusty mouthwash, where was I? Oh yeah, hand-me-down clothes and 'momma knows best' haircuts. I can honestly say I have no pleasant memories as a child except with my grandparents. And if there was anything possitive, I cannot for the life of me remember. I realize I've blocked out at least 1 third of my life. I'm 30! That's a lot of life! :O  As a child, try watching your mother dine out and bring home gifts and things. Nothing really fancy, but gifts none the less. Listen as she talks to her guy friends on the phone... wondering if she is ever going to mention you, pondering the thought of having a dad that will teach you about the birds and the bees and not accidentally show you as he and your mother do their thing on the kitchen counter where just 2 hours prior, you made a peanut butter and jelly snadwich! Not to mention you hear your mother on the phone with these numorous guys telling stories of this and that, and in her very next breath, answering the phone only to tell a completely differnet story. Now you are old enough to know that 2 different stories just dont make sense, bringing you to the conclusion that the one guy mom drove off with yesterday in the rusty 73 Mustang, wont be back to get to know you. I can be an optomist and say during this time in my life, I got to know the make and model of vehicles well! Hell, when friends and I, and I didnt have many, would cruise around when I was only 13, I was designated as the guy to watch for cop headlights from afar, I knew cars so well.  

  I can be an optomist and say that by listrening to my mother deceive men, I knew how to talk to people and tell them what they wanted to hear to get what I wanted. But that is easily countered by half a brain and 5 minutes of spare time, so that wasn't going to make my entrepreneurial debut. Lets get back into character here. Ok. so now your mother has met and decided to keep one guy around for awhile. This guy from the very start doesnt like the fact your mother has children. Wow... what are you going to do about this? Nothing! You are a stupid, good for nothing, worthless setback in your mothers life, so you are going to lay low and pray this huge guy doesnt decide he wants to eat you instead of that steak on his dinner plate. Hmmm... something is missing from this picture I'm trying to paint for you. Ah ha! Got it! You are eating your hotdog and mac'n cheese while he and your mother have steaks. That's better, now we have us a picture! So time goes by and this guy is still around. Over this time, he has laid the law down, and degraded you and your mother to no end. So now all you see yourself as is a burden and basically a waste of perfectly good oxygen. I'll give you an example to better explain just how scared you are of your mothers main sqeeze. You fall asleep on the livingroom floor as you watch The Cosby Show on evening cable TV. You are woke up by a man screaming for you to get your lazy ass up and go to bed. But before you can comprehend what this man is saying, all you hear is his terrifying voice and begin to pick up your mess on the carpet only to find there is no mess. You are picking lint out of the crevesses of the carpet to make it look like you are doing something productive. I reread what I just wrote to see if we are getting a correct picture here and not even close. It's all I can think of to explain the fear we had as children of this man. I'll leave that subject with this... nothing you can type here will come close to explaining the emotion and panic my brothers and I felt when this man woke us up at any given time, because we were smart enough to know... if someone doesnt want to have anything to do with you, they arent about to wake you up unless they are going to b*tch at you for something. 

  Lets throw some splashes of texture and color into this painting. Lets give it a little more character! Add mental and physical abuse on a regular basis. Throw in, working hard late into the night at his apartments buildings to make him look less like a slum-lord... and maybe those gorgeous girls jeans you had to wear 1 day a week in the 6th grade, that had the embroidered rose on the pocket. Lets not forget to give this painting some attitude! Your inability to allow anyone to get close to you, and the fact that you've had numorous relationships and known many women in your life, and still alone should fill the void in this painting well. We can add in the loss of one brother, a father of 2 and husband of one at age 20, to suicide and another brother institutionalized due to his lack of structure in life who also has numorous children at a young age. Are we missing any other key highlights in this painting? Sure! Your self destructive state of mind restricts you from succeeding with your business any further than you believe you can, and that's not saying much. I dont know about you, but this painting needs a little more possitve in it. it's just looking so gloomy! How about we paint some pride that you didnt make it a habbit to break the law and end up in trouble all the time and splash it with a little more pride in knowing you chose routes you were sure would lead you away from the gloomy areas of this painting so you would stick out and make a difference. Lets not fool ourselves. In all structure of life, whether it be this painting,  the spirit of a child or even the structure of a poorly written forum post with misused words and horrid spelling, it requires a strong foundation. A foundation used to build something with meaning. You are a part of this painting. You may preceive yourself as the brighter side of the painting, but when the paint hardens, you become one with the it and there's nothing you can do about it. Good thing this is water based paint!!! Because I'm looking to Dr Phil to douse me with water and break some of this gloom up! 

  I'm not sure if getting into any more detail is such a good idea being as how these forums are so public, but I'm bound to get Dr. Phils attention one way or another. However, before you get out of character, remember this.... what you've read,... what you've envisioned,... as you see' through my words of experience and place yourself into this childs shoes... know this; those are moments amongst many... a "chip off the old block", which is why I find myself here with sincere concern. 

  

P.S. Any correction by anyone pertaining to my spelling, punctuation, and/or misuse of wording / jumping from 3rd person to 1st, will completely destroy any hope I had of anyone understanding how this child became half the man he should be today. :P 

  

P.P.S. In Search Of: an editor / publisher willing to give this book a shot! Think it'll sell? *laughs* I have more!!! 

I know how you feel, I am 30 will be 31 at the end of the month, my mother if you wanna call her that never cared always degraded me for "her giveing birth at age 16".  I didnt ask her to get pregnent?  I used to hear things like, "I drank Paps Blue Ribbon when I was Pregnent".  Needless to say I was born premature with many problems.  She too had many...boysfriends/husbands in her life.  My father was non-existent.  I never met him, never had a father figure, grandparents were there for me a lot.  Her one man was an ex con who used to cut our phone line b 4 coming into our hse so we couldnt call the cops, we had to live with a door baracaded so he didnt breah it down, he would jump on our car wehn we were driving down the road.  Her first husband didnt like me, phys abused me, 2nd was a drunk like her, and 3rd she isnt even living with, all her kids are to different men.  She wouldnt buy me school clothes, "b/c she didnt get support for me".  Hello???  How is thios my fault, I worked at 16 to buy my classring and also had to but my own senior pics.  I have sooo much hatred to her, its not funny!!  I have trouble trusting men, was engaged 3 times to college educated great guys but i just wasnt ready or something?  I just dont want to follow her path NEVER!  I also have trouble with anger issues, which I am sure relate to her.  I put myself theu college Dean's list and all, and have one child I love to death and wouldnt dream of traeting him like that.  I think about my past/childhood almost daily, its just horrible.  I am currrently married for a little over a year and its not easy, but I am trying.  I have always had trouble with relationships, my child comes first and always .  I have so many stories that relate to urs its not funny, I would blow ur mind.  I have had trouble with nightmares last year that my MD said may be related to the childhood abuse.  I would wake up screaming.  I wish you nothing but luck, you are good very good looking also.
 
January 6, 2006, 2:16 pm CST

wish I could help

Quote From: reallylost

I just don't care anymore. Call it an excuse if you want.  

I am not going to run down the list of rotten things that have happened in my life.  

I just lost my husband to suicide. I have no desire to even want to try anymore.  

I am emotionally exhausted. There is no one to help and I don't care enough to help myself.  

I have reached out for help & run into brickwalls.  

If I don't care there's no reason why anyone else should. 

I can emphathize with you.  Sometimes it's as if nothing goes right.  And then the last thing you want is to be preached to by someone who appears to have it all.  I turned the show off about half way through.   

  

Star has enough money to buy herself all that "happiness" that eludes some of us. 

  

I have struggled with my weight for years.  I've lost and gain back with interest 70 lbs., then 80 lb.s, and now that I'm fatter than ever in my life, I feel it's no use trying any more.  I more times I struggle to take the weight off, the fatter I get in the end when as soon as I eat with friends again and try to have a "normal" life whatever that is, I tell people I can't eat like them and they don't believe me and I'm a cow again.  I'm so out of control now that I feel it's no use trying any more.  And that makes me depressed. 

  

I'm sorry I can't make you feel better, but you are not alone.  And I am very sorry for your recent loss. 

  

A stranger who cares 

 
January 6, 2006, 2:16 pm CST

01/06 No More Excuses With Star Jones

Quote From: reallylost

I just don't care anymore. Call it an excuse if you want.  

I am not going to run down the list of rotten things that have happened in my life.  

I just lost my husband to suicide. I have no desire to even want to try anymore.  

I am emotionally exhausted. There is no one to help and I don't care enough to help myself.  

I have reached out for help & run into brickwalls.  

If I don't care there's no reason why anyone else should. 

Life beats you down, there's no doubt about it.  And when it beats us after we're already down, it's hard to want to get back up.  Always remember that most of us start with nothing but slowly make a life for ourselves.   Try not to dwell on the things that have beat you down and just concentrate on doing WHAT YOU CAN every day.  A friend of mine once made me do this to get me going again.  Just start with getting yourself out of bed even if there's nowhere you want to go or nothing you want to do.   Even if all you intend to do is get right back in bed or wherever, get up at a certain time, shower and dress and do makeup and get yourself looking your best.  Start with that.  If family and/or old friends are part of the problem, break away and start over with new friends.  Even if you have no money, get out and go for a walk and get some exercise, spend time with pets if you have them, go to the park.  If you have money, go to a movie and escape for awhile.  One thing that helped me the  most when I was down and hating everyone is I did volunteer work just one time a week.  I hated people at the time but still loved animals, so I worked at the zoo.  It really helped.  It was quiet peaceful work around beauty and gave me a little joy.  And it also helped my feelings of low self-worth by giving me some tidbits of news to tell family, friends, and strangers.  Please take my advice on this one.  I don't advise doing a charity which will keep you mired in whatever your problems are, necessarily, but one which will allow you to escape from them and help others.  It really is very fulfilling and you meet a very nice class of people doing volunteer work.  Please if you do nothing else, do that for yourself.  What have you got to lose?
 
January 6, 2006, 2:22 pm CST

01/06 No More Excuses With Star Jones

Quote From: horseluver

 okay, my boyfriend lives 3 miles away, and he's suppose to come and see me every weekend.  He didn't come down last  weekend, and now he's saying he doesn't know if he's coming down this weekend.  And then he calls me tonight and says that he's going bar hopping...  I'm not comfortable with him going out to bars!  (Plus the fact that he's only 18 and has to use a fake to get in, so he has to use the extra effort).  Do I have a reason to be upset, or am I just being stupid.  I feel like you just go to the bars to try and hook up with someone...
Please help me...

Wow stop HE's only 18 and bar hopping no way I live in a small town and know lots of young kids do it but it dosn't mean it's right.  So I would say that you could find someone else better.  I'm sure he is out there hooking up with others.  So I would talk to him or say SEE YA!! 

 
January 6, 2006, 2:25 pm CST

Relate

Hi  

Of course I can relate to Cris.  I have been a full-time female firefighter for 10 years now, the first in our department of 44 men.  It is hard to seperate yourself from the guys.  You have to be tough or you hear it , you know comments like "you need to be home in the kitchen"  Well might I add after all these years of being a fire fighter, it is hard to be a girly-girl.  It is as if you don't fit in anywhere.  I have been married since May of last year and my husband loves me to pieces, but I think he would be shocked if he saw me dressed as a girly-girl.  The delima I am having is not knowing if I am still a woman at heart..  I have been in an all man's work force so long that I don't want to loose myself, but I'm scared I will.  All I can say is....hang in there girls, we need to stick together.      

Hugs firegirl43 

 
January 6, 2006, 2:28 pm CST

You sound like a great guy.

Quote From: dan62301

Xtremeairy,   

  

  It goes a bit deeper than that, but your reply was most appreciated and more than welcomed! I'm touched that someone would take the time to pay attention to something I said! I had a mother growing up, no father... not even a steady father figure. I wrote Dr Phil a letter that got into a fair amount of detail, or enough I would think it would spark an interest. We'll see. 

  The thing is, is that she was more like an aquaintance than a mother. We saw more of the mail man than we did her. I'ld hate to think about it, but she may very well have seen the mail man more than us. Am I deliberately being disrespectful, no. Am I attempting to paint you a picture with as much of a realistic image as I am able so you can better see and understand my sincere concerns, yes. 

  Imagine if you will... 3 young children not of legal age to be left alone, but were in fact alone while their mother pranced around town, had her fun, refused to accept any type of responsibility, enjoying life as much as she could, never telling her children where she would be, what she would be doing or who she would be with. Keep in mind, you are a young influencial child, and you see almost on a daily basis, a different adult male come in and out of your life and home sometimes never to be seen but maybe once or twice. Also envision this... as you ate your hotdogs, grilled cheese and powdered milk... yes, powdered milk! I dont ever suggest you try it, dear GOD that's some nasty stuff! Havent had it in years and I can still taste it! 

  Okay, so I'm back from my visit with my trusty mouthwash, where was I? Oh yeah, hand-me-down clothes and 'momma knows best' haircuts. I can honestly say I have no pleasant memories as a child except with my grandparents. And if there was anything possitive, I cannot for the life of me remember. I realize I've blocked out at least 1 third of my life. I'm 30! That's a lot of life! :O  As a child, try watching your mother dine out and bring home gifts and things. Nothing really fancy, but gifts none the less. Listen as she talks to her guy friends on the phone... wondering if she is ever going to mention you, pondering the thought of having a dad that will teach you about the birds and the bees and not accidentally show you as he and your mother do their thing on the kitchen counter where just 2 hours prior, you made a peanut butter and jelly snadwich! Not to mention you hear your mother on the phone with these numorous guys telling stories of this and that, and in her very next breath, answering the phone only to tell a completely differnet story. Now you are old enough to know that 2 different stories just dont make sense, bringing you to the conclusion that the one guy mom drove off with yesterday in the rusty 73 Mustang, wont be back to get to know you. I can be an optomist and say during this time in my life, I got to know the make and model of vehicles well! Hell, when friends and I, and I didnt have many, would cruise around when I was only 13, I was designated as the guy to watch for cop headlights from afar, I knew cars so well.  

  I can be an optomist and say that by listrening to my mother deceive men, I knew how to talk to people and tell them what they wanted to hear to get what I wanted. But that is easily countered by half a brain and 5 minutes of spare time, so that wasn't going to make my entrepreneurial debut. Lets get back into character here. Ok. so now your mother has met and decided to keep one guy around for awhile. This guy from the very start doesnt like the fact your mother has children. Wow... what are you going to do about this? Nothing! You are a stupid, good for nothing, worthless setback in your mothers life, so you are going to lay low and pray this huge guy doesnt decide he wants to eat you instead of that steak on his dinner plate. Hmmm... something is missing from this picture I'm trying to paint for you. Ah ha! Got it! You are eating your hotdog and mac'n cheese while he and your mother have steaks. That's better, now we have us a picture! So time goes by and this guy is still around. Over this time, he has laid the law down, and degraded you and your mother to no end. So now all you see yourself as is a burden and basically a waste of perfectly good oxygen. I'll give you an example to better explain just how scared you are of your mothers main sqeeze. You fall asleep on the livingroom floor as you watch The Cosby Show on evening cable TV. You are woke up by a man screaming for you to get your lazy ass up and go to bed. But before you can comprehend what this man is saying, all you hear is his terrifying voice and begin to pick up your mess on the carpet only to find there is no mess. You are picking lint out of the crevesses of the carpet to make it look like you are doing something productive. I reread what I just wrote to see if we are getting a correct picture here and not even close. It's all I can think of to explain the fear we had as children of this man. I'll leave that subject with this... nothing you can type here will come close to explaining the emotion and panic my brothers and I felt when this man woke us up at any given time, because we were smart enough to know... if someone doesnt want to have anything to do with you, they arent about to wake you up unless they are going to b*tch at you for something. 

  Lets throw some splashes of texture and color into this painting. Lets give it a little more character! Add mental and physical abuse on a regular basis. Throw in, working hard late into the night at his apartments buildings to make him look less like a slum-lord... and maybe those gorgeous girls jeans you had to wear 1 day a week in the 6th grade, that had the embroidered rose on the pocket. Lets not forget to give this painting some attitude! Your inability to allow anyone to get close to you, and the fact that you've had numorous relationships and known many women in your life, and still alone should fill the void in this painting well. We can add in the loss of one brother, a father of 2 and husband of one at age 20, to suicide and another brother institutionalized due to his lack of structure in life who also has numorous children at a young age. Are we missing any other key highlights in this painting? Sure! Your self destructive state of mind restricts you from succeeding with your business any further than you believe you can, and that's not saying much. I dont know about you, but this painting needs a little more possitve in it. it's just looking so gloomy! How about we paint some pride that you didnt make it a habbit to break the law and end up in trouble all the time and splash it with a little more pride in knowing you chose routes you were sure would lead you away from the gloomy areas of this painting so you would stick out and make a difference. Lets not fool ourselves. In all structure of life, whether it be this painting,  the spirit of a child or even the structure of a poorly written forum post with misused words and horrid spelling, it requires a strong foundation. A foundation used to build something with meaning. You are a part of this painting. You may preceive yourself as the brighter side of the painting, but when the paint hardens, you become one with the it and there's nothing you can do about it. Good thing this is water based paint!!! Because I'm looking to Dr Phil to douse me with water and break some of this gloom up! 

  I'm not sure if getting into any more detail is such a good idea being as how these forums are so public, but I'm bound to get Dr. Phils attention one way or another. However, before you get out of character, remember this.... what you've read,... what you've envisioned,... as you see' through my words of experience and place yourself into this childs shoes... know this; those are moments amongst many... a "chip off the old block", which is why I find myself here with sincere concern. 

  

P.S. Any correction by anyone pertaining to my spelling, punctuation, and/or misuse of wording / jumping from 3rd person to 1st, will completely destroy any hope I had of anyone understanding how this child became half the man he should be today. :P 

  

P.P.S. In Search Of: an editor / publisher willing to give this book a shot! Think it'll sell? *laughs* I have more!!! 

Don't sell yourself short.  Just because some of us (I am one of you) had a childhood that came directly from the bowels of Hell, and that's with the memory of only about a quarter of it, doesn't mean we are not worthy of better!    Please believe in yourself and your strength, just look at all you have survived!  I can head between the lines because my childhood pains ached again while I read your letter.  You are not alone!!!! 

  

You sound like your sense of humor is in tact as is mine.   That is very important.  I hope Dr. Phil will read your letter and offer you the help you desire. 

  

For me, please know people are out here who can relate to your trouble and care. 

  

Take care of yourself. 

 
January 6, 2006, 2:32 pm CST

Hang in there, you are not alone

Quote From: cappy5102

I hear what Star Jones says, and I want so desperately to have her courage and conviction, but not everyone has freinds and family for support and encouragement.  I, myself am in this situation.  I want so much to change my life physically, emotionally, financially, and mostly spiritually.  God knows I NEED to.  I feel I'm dying inside and out everyday.  Unfortunatelly,  I have  no one there for me to help, incourage, or support.   So my question is this...what do people like me, who don't have this do when they want to change their life?  Nobody can make it alone.  Nobody. 

Please know you are not alone, there are a lot of us out there in the same position as you, I had to turn the show off today in the middle because I was so angry that Star is so pleased with herself, her money goes a long way to making her improvements.  I've been on diets for yearssssss and gained and lost the same hundred pounds with interest every time.  If Star had more strength than I do or the rest of us do, she would not have needed her stomach stapled in order to get thin. 

  

I think we should appauld ourselves for doing as well as we do with what we have to work with.   

  

I'm fat, no rich or famous, and so no one knows I'm unhappy and reading her book or hearing her preach is not helpful. 

  

Just want you to know you're not alone. 

  

Please take care of yourself,  

  

A stranger who cares. 

 
January 6, 2006, 2:37 pm CST

BOO-HOO

My husband and I saved for ten years to buy the property of our dreams.  Built three houses one after another when the arsonist struck.  They also killed all our animals.  We were a self suffcient in all aspects of life.  We had no running water, no electricity, no phone, no indoor plumbing and we liked it that way but we did not have the chance to live the way we wanted because of someones hatred for us.  I had a companion parrot for 20 years that was burned to death in the last fire.  I was devastated.  In the months that followed I took to the woods (closest home was over a mile away) and watched for anyone to set foot on my 55 acres so I could blow them away.  My husband finally took me to my parents in Texas.  We lived with them for two years and then moved in with my husbands uncle (86yrs.old)  We have not had our own home in ten years now and we are in our late 50's.  We will stay here until no longer needed.  It just goes to show that when you think you have it bad someone else has it worse.
 
January 6, 2006, 2:38 pm CST

Great job

Quote From: blondeb10

Wow, are you sure that you are only 16????  You have a fantastic attitude, and with that, you will go far in your life goals. (maybe you will be the next "Dr Phil!!!)  You have learned early in life to take responsibility for yourself.  There is no sense in passing blame.  Bravo to you!!!!  I have a 16 yr old son, a 14 yr old daughter, and a 6 month old baby boy.  I was thrilled to read your post, as you are a very intelligent, and have a definite sense of who you are.   I am sure that your Father, (and yes, even your Mother) is sooooo proud of you!  I see the everyday hardships that my teenage children endure.  If you EVER need a shoulder, or just someone to listen, I would be honored and thrilled to be there for you.   

 

As far as "Intellectually Bankrupt" is concerned, well, he needs to acknowlege (as the good Doc says)  and get a grip!!!!  Life is not a bowl of cherries, after all.   

 

Arianna, you are wise beyond your years, and I am so proud of you!!!!  I hope that you respond to my post, as you have completely blown me away.   

 

Take  care Little Angel. 

 

Sincerely, Deb 

You're so young to be so wise! 

  

Good luck with everything you want in life.  I'm sure you will be a success story. 

  

  

 
January 6, 2006, 2:39 pm CST

Move on

Quote From: lynnjo_23

Wow stop HE's only 18 and bar hopping no way I live in a small town and know lots of young kids do it but it dosn't mean it's right.  So I would say that you could find someone else better.  I'm sure he is out there hooking up with others.  So I would talk to him or say SEE YA!! 

You're young and sound very intelligent.  You can do better.......leave the loser behind.
 
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