Topic : 01/06 No More Excuses With Star Jones

I just don't care anymore. Call it an excuse if you want.  

I am not going to run down the list of rotten things that have happened in my life.  

I just lost my husband to suicide. I have no desire to even want to try anymore.  

I am emotionally exhausted. There is no one to help and I don't care enough to help myself.  

I have reached out for help & run into brickwalls.  

If I don't care there's no reason why anyone else should. 

Xtremeairy,   

  It goes a bit deeper than that, but your reply was most appreciated and more than welcomed! I'm touched that someone would take the time to pay attention to something I said! I had a mother growing up, no father... not even a steady father figure. I wrote Dr Phil a letter that got into a fair amount of detail, or enough I would think it would spark an interest. We'll see. 

  The thing is, is that she was more like an aquaintance than a mother. We saw more of the mail man than we did her. I'ld hate to think about it, but she may very well have seen the mail man more than us. Am I deliberately being disrespectful, no. Am I attempting to paint you a picture with as much of a realistic image as I am able so you can better see and understand my sincere concerns, yes. 

  Imagine if you will... 3 young children not of legal age to be left alone, but were in fact alone while their mother pranced around town, had her fun, refused to accept any type of responsibility, enjoying life as much as she could, never telling her children where she would be, what she would be doing or who she would be with. Keep in mind, you are a young influencial child, and you see almost on a daily basis, a different adult male come in and out of your life and home sometimes never to be seen but maybe once or twice. Also envision this... as you ate your hotdogs, grilled cheese and powdered milk... yes, powdered milk! I dont ever suggest you try it, dear GOD that's some nasty stuff! Havent had it in years and I can still taste it! 

  Okay, so I'm back from my visit with my trusty mouthwash, where was I? Oh yeah, hand-me-down clothes and 'momma knows best' haircuts. I can honestly say I have no pleasant memories as a child except with my grandparents. And if there was anything possitive, I cannot for the life of me remember. I realize I've blocked out at least 1 third of my life. I'm 30! That's a lot of life! :O  As a child, try watching your mother dine out and bring home gifts and things. Nothing really fancy, but gifts none the less. Listen as she talks to her guy friends on the phone... wondering if she is ever going to mention you, pondering the thought of having a dad that will teach you about the birds and the bees and not accidentally show you as he and your mother do their thing on the kitchen counter where just 2 hours prior, you made a peanut butter and jelly snadwich! Not to mention you hear your mother on the phone with these numorous guys telling stories of this and that, and in her very next breath, answering the phone only to tell a completely differnet story. Now you are old enough to know that 2 different stories just dont make sense, bringing you to the conclusion that the one guy mom drove off with yesterday in the rusty 73 Mustang, wont be back to get to know you. I can be an optomist and say during this time in my life, I got to know the make and model of vehicles well! Hell, when friends and I, and I didnt have many, would cruise around when I was only 13, I was designated as the guy to watch for cop headlights from afar, I knew cars so well.  

  I can be an optomist and say that by listrening to my mother deceive men, I knew how to talk to people and tell them what they wanted to hear to get what I wanted. But that is easily countered by half a brain and 5 minutes of spare time, so that wasn't going to make my entrepreneurial debut. Lets get back into character here. Ok. so now your mother has met and decided to keep one guy around for awhile. This guy from the very start doesnt like the fact your mother has children. Wow... what are you going to do about this? Nothing! You are a stupid, good for nothing, worthless setback in your mothers life, so you are going to lay low and pray this huge guy doesnt decide he wants to eat you instead of that steak on his dinner plate. Hmmm... something is missing from this picture I'm trying to paint for you. Ah ha! Got it! You are eating your hotdog and mac'n cheese while he and your mother have steaks. That's better, now we have us a picture! So time goes by and this guy is still around. Over this time, he has laid the law down, and degraded you and your mother to no end. So now all you see yourself as is a burden and basically a waste of perfectly good oxygen. I'll give you an example to better explain just how scared you are of your mothers main sqeeze. You fall asleep on the livingroom floor as you watch The Cosby Show on evening cable TV. You are woke up by a man screaming for you to get your lazy ass up and go to bed. But before you can comprehend what this man is saying, all you hear is his terrifying voice and begin to pick up your mess on the carpet only to find there is no mess. You are picking lint out of the crevesses of the carpet to make it look like you are doing something productive. I reread what I just wrote to see if we are getting a correct picture here and not even close. It's all I can think of to explain the fear we had as children of this man. I'll leave that subject with this... nothing you can type here will come close to explaining the emotion and panic my brothers and I felt when this man woke us up at any given time, because we were smart enough to know... if someone doesnt want to have anything to do with you, they arent about to wake you up unless they are going to b*tch at you for something. 

  Lets throw some splashes of texture and color into this painting. Lets give it a little more character! Add mental and physical abuse on a regular basis. Throw in, working hard late into the night at his apartments buildings to make him look less like a slum-lord... and maybe those gorgeous girls jeans you had to wear 1 day a week in the 6th grade, that had the embroidered rose on the pocket. Lets not forget to give this painting some attitude! Your inability to allow anyone to get close to you, and the fact that you've had numorous relationships and known many women in your life, and still alone should fill the void in this painting well. We can add in the loss of one brother, a father of 2 and husband of one at age 20, to suicide and another brother institutionalized due to his lack of structure in life who also has numorous children at a young age. Are we missing any other key highlights in this painting? Sure! Your self destructive state of mind restricts you from succeeding with your business any further than you believe you can, and that's not saying much. I dont know about you, but this painting needs a little more possitve in it. it's just looking so gloomy! How about we paint some pride that you didnt make it a habbit to break the law and end up in trouble all the time and splash it with a little more pride in knowing you chose routes you were sure would lead you away from the gloomy areas of this painting so you would stick out and make a difference. Lets not fool ourselves. In all structure of life, whether it be this painting,  the spirit of a child or even the structure of a poorly written forum post with misused words and horrid spelling, it requires a strong foundation. A foundation used to build something with meaning. You are a part of this painting. You may preceive yourself as the brighter side of the painting, but when the paint hardens, you become one with the it and there's nothing you can do about it. Good thing this is water based paint!!! Because I'm looking to Dr Phil to douse me with water and break some of this gloom up! 

  I'm not sure if getting into any more detail is such a good idea being as how these forums are so public, but I'm bound to get Dr. Phils attention one way or another. However, before you get out of character, remember this.... what you've read,... what you've envisioned,... as you see' through my words of experience and place yourself into this childs shoes... know this; those are moments amongst many... a "chip off the old block", which is why I find myself here with sincere concern. 

P.S. Any correction by anyone pertaining to my spelling, punctuation, and/or misuse of wording / jumping from 3rd person to 1st, will completely destroy any hope I had of anyone understanding how this child became half the man he should be today. :P 

P.P.S. In Search Of: an editor / publisher willing to give this book a shot! Think it'll sell? *laughs* I have more!!!