Topic : 01/06 No More Excuses With Star Jones

Quote From: jelle_elle

I am an intelligent 31 y/o single mother of 2, I work full-time, go to college full-time and am soley responsible for my 2 sons (6,11).  My problem is with my ex. About a year ago we started seeing each other again after a 2 year separation. But early into our new venture he tells me that he is "confused about what he wants in his life". Mind you this never stopped him from telling me that he loved me or that he only wanted to be with me, but just couldn't give me a relationship or commitment.  So I MADE excuses for him and decided to give us time, afterall we couldn't just fall back into a serious relationship... Then after all of this I discovered that he was seeing me and several other women whom all thought that he was only with them and he was telling them that he loved them too. I was devestated.  And then he see sawed back and forth between me and another woman, finally choosing her. Again I was hurt and agnry and vowed to never speak to him again, but when that relationship failed (1 month later) he wanted to come back into my life, but not as a boyfriend, but just dating me...AGAIN I made excuses,  we can just take our time, all he needs is time, he really loves me and he'll realize it sooner than later. But like the setting of the sun, after some detective work, I found out that he was "dating" a whole new batch of women. I have to tell you without sounding like a complete idiot I saw the signs, and I was expecting it, but without proof I didn't want to belive it.  Again I listented to his exucess that he was still confused and that old habits are hard to break. That he knows that he wants to be a family again, but he is having a hard time changing his ways. Now he is proffessing that he is a changed man and I just don't believe it...I find holes in his lies every which way I turn, but he flipps it on me and makes me feel like I am overreacting. 

  

Any way my question is this, why is it so hard for me to give him the boot? Why after everything can't I let him go? I know in my heart he is not changed and at this very moment he lied to me about going out with his friends to a bar and I ran into these friends at the movies and now he conviently won't answer his phone. But I digress, after all the lies and deception what is my problem? I make excuses for him and try to play him up for my family. I make excuses like "I know that he really isn't this man" and "I know he loves me and one day he will wake up and realize it".  

  

Mostly I am frusterated with myself. WHen I finally get the courage to tell him to take a hike, my fear of being alone creeps in and I am stuck. Will anyone ever want me? Where will I ever meet anyone. I am so jealous of him and her (whoever she is) that he has someone while I am sitting alone at home with his children... 

  

How do I do this? How do I stop excuseing this behavior from myslef and him and get on with my life and throw away the fear? 

  

Quote From: yayale

Your show on excuses really touched home with me. ..expecially the woman who wanted to move from her burned-down property because of all of the bad memories.  I am stuck in my situation trying to figure out if I should move out of my memory filled home with my 5 kids in March(that's when my lease is up).  The reason I question moving is due to the bad experience of domestic violence brought upon me from my kids father.  My home is visibly damaged due to his outburst.  Even though he's no longer here I'm stuck staring at the messed up door and mirror that he broke.(There's a huge closet custom made mirror he damaged in my diningroom).  Knowing that I allowed him to treat me crappy for 5 years and it's partly my fault doesn't help either. 

  

What really hurts is that I just gave birth 8 weeks ago to twins and we're broken up now.  I suspected him of child molestation on one of my twin daughters when I awoke one night to find her pajamas off.  Since I didn't physically see him do anything it was hard for me to accuse him.  But his behavior about it all made me believe that he did do something to her.  He became defensive and nervous even before I accused him of anything.  Then he began to say that I never even dressed her which was a complete lie.  He out of my life now because I have a restraining order against him for past physical abuse.  Still I regret putting up with him for 5 years.  I feel like a victim because I put up with him for so long.  I allowed him to do these things to me because I didn't want to go against him and cause anymore fights.  But my suspicions about him doing something to our daughter cannot be ignored.  Dr. Phil, just how do I move on from feeling like a victim due to my long history of domestic abuse?  How can I picture myself as desireable and not just damaged goods with 5 kids?  I want to be happy for once.  When I was with him, I would forgive him but then he would do the same thing to me to hurt me again and then I would remember the hurt all over again.  He said that's why he left me because I wouldn't forgive him for abusing me.  But when I would he would just abuse me more.  I'm really distressed and confused.  PLEASE HELP ME DR. PHIL! 

Quote From: tapyxes

    This is to Michel, the lady that was on your show today,  Be greatful that you were not in your house when it burned. Material things can be replaced but lives can't. 

     The reason I was so frustrated, is 30 years ago  this month we had a house fire. The difference was  we lost our oldest son ,8 years old , and our youngest daughter 2 years old. We got our other two children 4 and 6 years out . Lost was our house and all of our posesions. whitch means nothing comparied to a life 

      My wife and I were in the hosptial for 31 days ,my son was in for 18 days and my other daughter was in just overnight.  We couldn't even go to our chidrens fureral, because of our burns.  

        You say WHY take my kids, take ME. I guess we never know why that GOD take some and leaves others. 

         Just look around when you think that you have it so BAD. You don't have to look very far to see just how lucky you are . 

         About a week or so after I got out of the hosptial, there was another house fire in a town about 10 miles away from us. This couple lost there home and all of there children. I went to see the couple to try to comfort them , since I had lost my own children I felt that maybe I could comfort them some. 

       So when you think that you have had such bad luck , just look around you and see how lucky you are. 

                           Just my 2 cents from Malone, N.Y. 

                                Patrick 

  

                                                                     

Quote From: blrwrjs

I hope that you don't judge your in laws because of apperances or styles. And I hope that you don't choose where you go on Christmas because of decorations and food. Christmas and all year long should be about loving our family and friends and supporting the decisions they make. I think that your in laws should be loved and accepted the way they are and they should not be constantly reminded that you want them to be someone else.

Quote From: dan62301

Blondeb10, 

  Acknowledge and get a grip eh? I chose not to get into detail and still have only touched base on what someone endures going through life that has no one to turn to! You come fill my shoes and then tell me your options in life! For someone like me there were no options! We had no discipline! We had no possitive role models! We had what we made and there were no materials available! We were told if we discussed home life with anyone out side our emmediate family, we would be taken from our mother and never see our brothers again. And before you start talking how I should have spoke to someone secretive about this, point out where I would have learned trust. Again... I've only written a small percentage of what I could but choose to not burden you with too many details as to not disrupt your content life.

Quote From: jelle_elle

I am an intelligent 31 y/o single mother of 2, I work full-time, go to college full-time and am soley responsible for my 2 sons (6,11).  My problem is with my ex. About a year ago we started seeing each other again after a 2 year separation. But early into our new venture he tells me that he is "confused about what he wants in his life". Mind you this never stopped him from telling me that he loved me or that he only wanted to be with me, but just couldn't give me a relationship or commitment.  So I MADE excuses for him and decided to give us time, afterall we couldn't just fall back into a serious relationship... Then after all of this I discovered that he was seeing me and several other women whom all thought that he was only with them and he was telling them that he loved them too. I was devestated.  And then he see sawed back and forth between me and another woman, finally choosing her. Again I was hurt and agnry and vowed to never speak to him again, but when that relationship failed (1 month later) he wanted to come back into my life, but not as a boyfriend, but just dating me...AGAIN I made excuses,  we can just take our time, all he needs is time, he really loves me and he'll realize it sooner than later. But like the setting of the sun, after some detective work, I found out that he was "dating" a whole new batch of women. I have to tell you without sounding like a complete idiot I saw the signs, and I was expecting it, but without proof I didn't want to belive it.  Again I listented to his exucess that he was still confused and that old habits are hard to break. That he knows that he wants to be a family again, but he is having a hard time changing his ways. Now he is proffessing that he is a changed man and I just don't believe it...I find holes in his lies every which way I turn, but he flipps it on me and makes me feel like I am overreacting. 

  

Any way my question is this, why is it so hard for me to give him the boot? Why after everything can't I let him go? I know in my heart he is not changed and at this very moment he lied to me about going out with his friends to a bar and I ran into these friends at the movies and now he conviently won't answer his phone. But I digress, after all the lies and deception what is my problem? I make excuses for him and try to play him up for my family. I make excuses like "I know that he really isn't this man" and "I know he loves me and one day he will wake up and realize it".  

  

Mostly I am frusterated with myself. WHen I finally get the courage to tell him to take a hike, my fear of being alone creeps in and I am stuck. Will anyone ever want me? Where will I ever meet anyone. I am so jealous of him and her (whoever she is) that he has someone while I am sitting alone at home with his children... 

  

How do I do this? How do I stop excuseing this behavior from myslef and him and get on with my life and throw away the fear?