Quote From: abbiedeenMy husband's ex wife is so bitter toward my husband for leaving her -- and subsequently marrying me -- she says and does things to the children to intentionally hurt my husband and his relationship with his little ones.
A little background: My husband left his first wife when she was about 5 months pregnant with their youngest child. Granted, it was probably not the best time -- but there were extenuating circumstances. I met him shortly after he left. She blames me for the break up of their marriage. She says (and possible, she's right) that if he hadn't met me, they would have reconciled. The fact remains, they married young, because she was pregnant with their oldest, everyone told him not to marry her and they had split up and gotten back together several times before. The end of the marriage was inevitable. (Thats the short version). That was more than 4 years ago. In that 4 years, she has spoken to him less than a half dozen times (no exaggeration!). She refuses to speak to him about anything, including the children, their education, time with them, etc.
Recently, we movd from NC to WA. His children are in OR. So we are now 200 miles, door to door from them. My husband is asking for more time. She said she is remarried now, her new husband is the kids dad (she has even told his kids, now 8, 6 and 3, that they MUST call her husband "Daddy" and my husband "Mike" in her presence; that he is not their Daddy anymore because he left "them"), so they do not need any more time than the 30 days a year he had while living across the country. (He is military, so that was feasible, at the time). It's back in court and we'll find out what the judge says on the 25th.
Meanwhile, his 3 year old daughter told him last Sunday "You're dumb. I don't love you anymore. I have a mommy and a daddy here, I don't need you!" She then got on the phone with me and said "I don't think I should come to your house anymore!" When I asked her why not, she said "Because you're dumb and I don't love you!" I said, "Well, I love you, and I would like you to come to our house again." To which she replied, "I can't! It makes my mom mad!" Hmmmmmm wonder where she got that!
I have tried to stay out of things with his ex and him. I type and mail letters for him, because I have an office job and can do things that he can't, due to his job. I also help him with his legal stuff because we can no longer afford the attorney and I was going to law school before we moved. I don't speak to her, don't say anything bad to her or about her in front of the kids. She has no issue with me other than that her husband married me after divorcing her. She, on the other hand, has told the children horrible things about me, my husband, our families, etc.
So.....what do you do about a biological parent who does not want to "share" the children with the other biological parent and who twists the kids up just to hurt their dad? How do you handle a situation like this when you see your husband hurting so bad because his 6 year old hasn't gotten on the phone with him for 6 weeks now because "You're mean and I don't want to talk to you!", and his mother won't get on the phone with his dad to try to gt to the bottom of WHY he is saying that? What do you say to your husband when he says "I give up! I might as well just stop calling and trying to see them! They don't love me anymore! They don't want me around anyway!" Especially when you KNOW that's not true -- that they are just saying what their mother wants thm to! What do you do???
Anyone?
Erin
Hi, Erin,
From what you've described above, it appears that you are dealing with a case of "Parental Alienation". PA is characterized by one parent saying and doing things in the presence of the children that turn the child(ren) against the other parent that are not true. Now, this is only truly PA if those things are not true, which appears to be the case here, and wherein the children reject the other parent based on what the alientating parent is saying and doing.
My personal experience with PA goes back 14+ years. My 16 year-old step-daughter (2 years old when we met), was in the custody of her mother until she was 13. The whole time they were together, even though the mother HAD CUSTODY, Jamie was constantly told how awful her dad (my husband) was, and how awful I was. Fortunately, we had Jamie with us quite a bit (every other weekend, all summer, etc.) as her mom liked her "free time." Now, the mother, in the course of her adult life, has been married 5 times, has had 3 kids w/ 2 men, a parade of men thru the bedroom (which Jamie could hear starting at a young age), and has been convicted of child abuse on two of the kids. Of course, we have done everything possible to get custody of Jamie since the divorce on up. Every time we'd turn Mom in for the child abuse, she'd tell the social services people we were "just making stuff up to get custody" and intimidate Jamie in to changing her story! We were accused of "abusing the system" and trying to get custody! Finally, when Jamie was 12, she was hit with a belt on the bottom, and was brave enough to tell her school nurse and continue to tell her side of what happened, until at last someone did the right thing and the mother was convicted! Even after that, the courts did not automatically take Jamie away from her! We had to try to negotiate w/ the mother (she wanted us to continue to pay her child support "so I have a place for Jamie to come and visit me"!), and finally, we went back to court to get permanent sole custody. As soon as we did, and she was ordered to pay CS, she ceased wanting to see her child!
Now, Jamie is 16. Fortunately for all of us, she's got a good head on her shoulders and most of what her mom's said and done over the years is not greatly affecting her life. She's a good student, she's got lots of friend, a sweet boyfriend (she's still a virgin, hip-hip-hooray!), she's completely blossomed and become a confident and outgoing teen, and best of all, she really and truly appreciates all that her dad and I have done all these years to protect her. We have done everything we can to be good, consistent parents for her and our 11 year old son. She does call me Mom, and has since our son was born, at her own choice. I never told her or asked her to do so! She says, "you are the one who's mothered me all these years, you are my MOM!" I know Dr. Phil doesn't support this, but at a minimum, perhaps we should agree that all cases have special circumstances and maybe there needs to be some flexibility with the "RULES" for all cases. Jamie and I have spent many many hours TALKING about her life, her mom and dad, SEX, making good choices, how to treat others and YOURSELF with respect, etc., etc. I cannot imagine my life without her, and she frequently says the same about me.
Please know that Parental Alientation is very real and can cause real lifelong damage to any child, young or teen or adult! Type it in your search engine and see for yourself. The courts in some areas may finally be starting to recognize it now. When you are dealing with these issues, it's harder than lots of things, because it's so hard to "Prove" that it's happening. So don't give up. My situation is living proof that you can get thru successfully, with a lifetime of love and hard work.
(Original Air Date: 01/09/06) If you’re getting a divorce, or even considering one, and you have kids, don't miss this show! Dr. Phil talks to parents who are embroiled in bitter custody battles, leaving their innocent children caught in the crossfire. Scott is tired of fighting with his ex-wife, Tiffany, over visitation of their two sons. The bickering has gotten so bad that Tiffany claims Scott spit on her during a recent encounter. Can they learn to respect each other for the sake of their kids? Plus, Angela says her ex-husband, Chris's violent past and brushes with the law have her so scared that she refuses to let him near their 7-year-old daughter. Does a man with Chris’s past deserve a second chance to be a father? Share your thoughts.
