When my mother divorced my father, my father was attempting to recover from drug and alcohol addiction. For about a year, my father remained "visible" in my life. I believe he checked himself into a rehab center after the divorce in attempted to win back my mother. I remember visiting him once. When he was released he moved to another state. We spoke on the phone. And then the visitation question came up. My mother agreed to send me to see him one weekend. Unfortunately, on the day I was suppose to get on the train, he never called to confirm with my mother. We waited all day, with my bags backed, and eventually he called saying that he had some trouble with his roommates. My mother said one thing - one of the last memories I have of dealing with my father - she said that she will never allow him to treat me the way he treated her. I never heard from my father again...until I was 17.
There was never a custody battle over me. My mother remarried 3 years later and started another family with her husband. I did not have a good experience with my stepfather, so to me, I have no father. When I was 17, an old family friend called my mother and said my father was looking for me. He wanted to speak with me. My mother flipped out. After the smoke cleared, my father left a number with the friend. I remember I was sitting in my room that day selecting a high school graduation ring and I wrote his number on the large white envelop. I stared at it for hours. I had always thought of this moment, I had pictured a happy reunion. I had held my father on a high pedestal, remembering all the times he would show up during my nap times in pre-K and I would wake up to a new toy next to me. I remember the laughters and the times we would tickle my mother until she couldn't breathe. My mother was so jealous of our relationship. I was his little princess. She said I ran behind him like a little puppy. But then I remember the times he left me in his truck in the middle of the nights, the times he broke my toys in moments of anger, the drunk nights he banged on the front door, and other horrible things I witnessed in his presence like drug use (if only my mother knew the truth, but maybe she does). So, I threw his number away because there was nothing left to say. Those wounds had closed on their own and I didn't want to reopen them. I had made it thus far on my own without a father. I never heard from him again.
I am one of the lucky ones. Thats what my aunt says. I am not a statistic. But that doesn't make me feel any better. There is apart of me that I do not know. A side of a family that is only a blur in my memory. I am torn by this topic. Because part of me is happy that my father stayed away. I am friends with people who have fathers or have children whose fathers are in and out of their loves like yo-yos. Its confusing! Its frustrating. Its depressing. I know that the fathers are not all to blame because I know women who use the children to provoke these feelings and it hurts me to watch. I know fathers who want to see their children and cannot, and feel there is nothing they can do. But society teaches us that mothers are the best parents (thats the message I get), however, I am the first to tell these men to take the mothers to court. Mothers are so presistant to file for child support, then fathers need to fight back and file for visitation rights. Especially in the urban culture, fathers do not know their rights. The fathers I know love their children and financially support their children only to travel like the father in this show 5 hours to be denied access to the child. Children are human beings. They are move active and perceptive than adults. They sense every emotion. They are intelligent little people. And as per Dr. Phil, I agree, when they get older and begin asking questions and have the access to answer their questions, the mothers and the fathers will have much to answer to. I may not have liked that my father never fought to see me, but I definitely know that I would never want the type of love involved in a bitter custody war or a yo-yo relationship with a parent.
I am older now, almost 10 years have past since I threw my father's number away. I have unanswered question about my genealogy. I do not have any questions of why - I worked with drug and alcohol abusers for 2 years, and I forgive him because his demons controlled his life and prevented him from knowing his daughter. I believe that his call 10 years ago was a difficult one for him and I realize now that my no response must have cut him deep. But that was my choice to not call and I am content because I finally got the opportunity to make a choice.
(Original Air Date: 01/09/06) If you’re getting a divorce, or even considering one, and you have kids, don't miss this show! Dr. Phil talks to parents who are embroiled in bitter custody battles, leaving their innocent children caught in the crossfire. Scott is tired of fighting with his ex-wife, Tiffany, over visitation of their two sons. The bickering has gotten so bad that Tiffany claims Scott spit on her during a recent encounter. Can they learn to respect each other for the sake of their kids? Plus, Angela says her ex-husband, Chris's violent past and brushes with the law have her so scared that she refuses to let him near their 7-year-old daughter. Does a man with Chris’s past deserve a second chance to be a father? Share your thoughts.
