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Topic : 03/23 Nasty Custody Battles

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Created on : Friday, January 06, 2006, 01:41:19 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/09/06) If you’re getting a divorce, or even considering one, and you have kids, don't miss this show! Dr. Phil talks to parents who are embroiled in bitter custody battles, leaving their innocent children caught in the crossfire. Scott is tired of fighting with his ex-wife, Tiffany, over visitation of their two sons. The bickering has gotten so bad that Tiffany claims Scott spit on her during a recent encounter. Can they learn to respect each other for the sake of their kids? Plus, Angela says her ex-husband, Chris's violent past and brushes with the law have her so scared that she refuses to let him near their 7-year-old daughter. Does a man with Chris’s past deserve a second chance to be a father? Share your thoughts.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

More March 2006 Show Boards.



 
lostmomma1
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April 12, 2006, 11:56 am PDT

Passive Parenting?

Quote From: angelsmuch

Being the stepmom in this case I really don't feel it is my place to tell the biomom what I think she should do. The best way to explain the situation is this: the biomom has adopted a very detached way of life. If something in life seems difficult she just doesn't deal with it and she is teaching this same life style to my stepson. A good example is, my stepson was 9 years old and didn't know how to tie his shoes. His mom said that since he wore glasses it was hard for him to tie his shoes so she just always bought him ones that slip on. I thought this was absolutely horrible, but who am I to judge (or try to change her). I however; went out and bought him a pair of shoes that tied and taught him how. When he comes to our house he has to wear the shoes that tie so he can remember how. This is a very mild example of the problems we face on a daily basis. My stepson is very different from most 11 year old boys. He struggles ever day because of the teachings of his biomom. My boyfriend and I just try really hard to counteract his mothers teachings when he is with us. We don't tell him that his mom is wrong, we just tell him that we have different ways.  

  

Sometimes we to hear about how his mom lets him do this or that and we don't. We also hear about the things his mom doesn't make him do that we do make him do, but he knows that we all have different rules and requirements.  

  

It is never easy on either side. The one thing that is nice is we finally did get the biomom to back us up with punishment and things like that. Our problem was that he thought that he could just run to his mom and tell her he didn't want to spend time with us because he didn't like our rules and she would bail him out. He does know now that is not how it is going to work.  

  

It was definetely not easy! My boyfriend and I have been together for about two and a half years and things were NOT this way right off the bat. I think what makes the biggest difference in our situation is that my boyfriend and his ex have had problems in the past but have decided that the best thing for thier son is to help one another. He truely believes that even though his ex has some very strange ideas of parenting she is still his sons mother and kids need thier moms. He respects her and her decisions as long as his son is not in danger. It truely is him that makes all of our relationships work. 

  

Also, it works because the biomom doesn't want to be the one to help with homework, dicipline,or teach responsibility. All of those things have become our responsibility. We do his homework with him every day, deal with any problems he is having at school or at home (he was an only child until now), and we make him do chores. 

  

I think that unless your ex comes to this type of thought process you will continue to have a very hard time. I have the same type of problem with my ex. He and his new wife want to dictate to me how I should raise our children. The funny thing is that when we were married we had the same views of raising our children. Right after the divorce he didn't even care if he saw his kids and now he wants to tell me how it should be done.  

  

I hope this helps a little. I have learned that everyone is different and it is very hard to come to terms with these subjects. 

Hi there.  Sorry I haven't been able to post sooner (I have to use a work computer.)   

Thanks for posting your side of it.  Actually, I think my ex and you are on the same page.  That's why I wrote to ask your side of it.  I am the one that wants us to have some similarities in our house rules and such.  But my ex-husband wants me to simply stand back and only parent my child when he with me and he will worry about our son when he is with him.  I know it is very confusing for our son, and struggles with it all the time, just as you stated that your stepson struggles.  That's why I feel like something needs to be done. 

  

My question is why does it need to be that way?  The way you explain your situation, it seems that it's very passive parenting.  It sounds as if your boyfriend has given up his opinion in raising his son in exchange of being amicable with his ex.  I just don't think I could do that.  Sure, your stepson gets to see them "get along," but then he has to deal with the vast differences and try to make heads or tails out of his life.  Parents are supposed to be the guidance.  I just don't see how your situation is "working."  Especially when you say that "he struggles everyday because of the teachings of his biomom."   

  

On the other side of your story, you say that your ex wants to have some say in your kids' lives when they are with you, but you don't want him too.  Are you taking such a passive role in your stepson's life to prove a point about your ex and his wife not being involved in the kids' lives when they're with you? 

  

I really do think that parents can come together, not in front of the kids, to come up with some type of game plan that will make it easier for the kids to adjust from back and forth between their homes.  I just don't know how to start it.  Maybe we should go on Dr. Phil and he could help us out! (lol) 
 
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lostmomma1
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April 12, 2006, 1:29 pm PDT

03/23 Nasty Custody Battles

Quote From: lostmomma1

Hi there.  Sorry I haven't been able to post sooner (I have to use a work computer.)   

Thanks for posting your side of it.  Actually, I think my ex and you are on the same page.  That's why I wrote to ask your side of it.  I am the one that wants us to have some similarities in our house rules and such.  But my ex-husband wants me to simply stand back and only parent my child when he with me and he will worry about our son when he is with him.  I know it is very confusing for our son, and struggles with it all the time, just as you stated that your stepson struggles.  That's why I feel like something needs to be done. 

  

My question is why does it need to be that way?  The way you explain your situation, it seems that it's very passive parenting.  It sounds as if your boyfriend has given up his opinion in raising his son in exchange of being amicable with his ex.  I just don't think I could do that.  Sure, your stepson gets to see them "get along," but then he has to deal with the vast differences and try to make heads or tails out of his life.  Parents are supposed to be the guidance.  I just don't see how your situation is "working."  Especially when you say that "he struggles everyday because of the teachings of his biomom."   

  

On the other side of your story, you say that your ex wants to have some say in your kids' lives when they are with you, but you don't want him too.  Are you taking such a passive role in your stepson's life to prove a point about your ex and his wife not being involved in the kids' lives when they're with you? 

  

I really do think that parents can come together, not in front of the kids, to come up with some type of game plan that will make it easier for the kids to adjust from back and forth between their homes.  I just don't know how to start it.  Maybe we should go on Dr. Phil and he could help us out! (lol) 

Sorry, I just re-read my post, and I don't want you to think I'm attacking you or your parenting styles!  I really am just looking for the other point of view.  My ex and I are recently, within the last year apart, so we're still learning how to deal with each other.   

  

I am sincerely interested in knowing how you guys think that not saying something to the biomom about your stepson's issue helps him at all.  It just seems to me that the only people it serves is the parents.  I can see how you might not say something to the biomom yourself, (although why shouldn't you?) you are in a relationship with the father, and have kids of your own in which all 4 kids must co-exist. 

  

I really just want to be honest with how I feel about it, but would like your honest opinion on why you think it does work.  Since I cannot have a good conversation with my ex, it's nice to have someone that feels the way he does to get some perspective.  Thanks again. 
 
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pandas
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April 23, 2006, 11:49 pm PDT

Nasty Custody Battles

Quote From: jadaok

If you went on the Dr. Phil Show, he would have told your father (step) to step out of the picture because you aren't his kid. 

Why would you say that...I have no idea where my biological father is..never knew him, don't want to know him.  My (step) dad was my dad. 

  

Have you ever heard this saying "any man can be a father but only a real man can be a dad".   That was my dad...my dad, kept a roof over our heads, clothes on our back, food in our mouths, and gave us tons of family time. 

  

So I say my (step) dad was my dad and that is all that really counts. 

  

Cheryl (pandas) 
 
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paylau0195
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June 22, 2006, 7:43 pm PDT

For CHRIS..ADVICE,ADVICE,ADVICE...

Chris, 

Please...as a friend, someone inside, yet.... out side of the spectrum, NOW...take FULL ACCOUNTIBILITY, ACCOUNTIBILITY, ACCOUNTIBILITY.....OF EVERYTHING that has anything to do with your life as a HISTORY and that as your own...with out blaming others' as to where you are today...Your life is what you live and have LIVED IT...If you are not happy now, and you have continued to blame others' for it...we'll than you will continue to suport your misery for the rest of your life by not taking responsibility for it.... 

You were brought into this world on your own birth, and can't include anyone else on your existance....but those Parties...or "parents" who conceeded" you to begin with.... 

The old saying...."i brought you into this world..I can take you out of it" 

Did anyone ever tell you that Your parents can bring you into this world....but it is up to YOU when YOU LEAVE IT???? 

Life might have dealt the wrong cards for you...RIGHT NOW...but playing victum only lasts so long in the ears of those who have time to listen.... 

Have you ever wondered when it was your time for some one else to really listen and learn from what you have learned...at this point in your life? 

I know your not a teacher, and neither am I ....but thank god we can share with the unknowing what we today now know what not to do...and what we can share with others.. 

Is it a possibility that you could EVENTUALLY be open to H>O>P>E... 

Get back ASAP 

C-LEE 

  
 
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hotlace24
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May 23, 2007, 6:34 am PDT

mother in seek of information

i was in a 7 year relationship with my exboyfriend he and i seperated a year ago.  he ended up with my two little girls he is the only man they have ever known as a father; he is not the father of the oldest child but he may or may not be the father of the youngest child.  he ended with my daughters because when he and i seperated i moved out of the area where thier school was and i had no vehicle to get them to and from and i didn't want to transfer them schools.  he and i made an agreement that they would reside with him until i got a vehicle.  i ended having to sign temporary custody to him which i made the paper i had it notorized with specific dates and gave him a copy for which he was supposed to use to get state assistance with food.  when it came time to give the children back to me he refused.  at that time i didn't want to get courts or police involved because i had been through custody battles as a child and it can get scary and disrupte school. now school is out and now it won't disrupte thier education. i had called the local police department here in lakeland, fl and i told them that he was never on either birh ceritificate he never established paternity evnen though the local child support enforcement sent him a letter giving him the opportunity to do so he declined.  i went to see a lawyer she informed me that he has no legal parental rights over my children seens that he never put his name on either birth certificate and he never established paternity.  i tried to explain this to the local authoritites and their reply to me was "sounds like a civil matter to me, there is nothing we can do. take it to court" well i can't take it to court without $255.00 to file the paperwork. i have a severly p/t job no money to file the papers to gain custody of my children and a man that refuses to give up my chldren to me.  on top of it all him and his family and friends threaten me, my life if i go to even try to visit my children.  he won't even let me talk to my girls.  WHAT TO I DO ? I AM AGGRAVATED, SCARRED, ALL CRIED OUT , STRESSED OUT , WORRIED.
 
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heuybeetlebug
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October 4, 2007, 9:42 am PDT

From Friend to Foe - overnight!

Quote From: pandas

Robbie Sue,  

  

I completely agree with you, it works both ways, the mom (biological), stepmom and ex .  When you do argue about anything or want to be picky, its the children that get hurt in the crossfire.  As you said you made the new stepmom you friend, just as I did with the biological mom.  When people fight, who can the kids trust?  One is calling the other names, no one comes in to stop all the name calling.  Remember kids hear everything.  The children have to come first in anything.  I also had no children of my own.  So I guess you could say you and I are on the same page. 

  

Thanks 

Pandas 

I am both a biological and a step mom! 14 years ago I met my husband, he was never married before however did have a 1 year old daughter. As our relationship progressed, I made a point of seeking out the mother of his child and invited her to lunch! I wanted her to meet the person that was going to be spending a lot of time with her daughter. I had also done the same with the new lady in my ex's life. Long story short we became very good friends! We spent the next 10 years doing things together even when it didn't involve her daughter! Truely everyone was happy... until... we bought a new house! It was overnight that things changed! She wouldn't be around when we dropped off her daughter, and she cancelled herself from events and activities we had already planned... after several attempts to find out what was wrong we just let it be... until the now 14 year old daughter started going to school counselors and asking advice on how to be able to come live with her dad and I. We sat down with mom and tried to work something out... that went over like a lead balloon! Finally at daughters request we hired councel and after much drama, fighting, police etc... he was awarded custody. She gets every other weekend and Tuesday overnight on the off weekend. We thought things would calm down but they just continue to get worse. No matter what we ask for as far as trading weekends to accommodate her holiday schedule or even a dentists name she must change it some way not matter what, or point out that a good parent would know the dentists name etc... just so she always has the last word. This is such a waste of energy and emotions! Do we just let it go and muddle through the next 3 years... and "let her win and get everything her way" or do we try to get it settled?
 
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