Topic : 03/23 Nasty Custody Battles

I disagree that only the bio parent makes the rules.  I believe both parents in the household should decide the house rules together and then enforce them consistently regardless of who is the bio.  This is especially true if there are his and her children in the home, the rules must be the same and enforced the same for all children.  Without the consistency, I think it is more confusing for the children.  However, if the parents believe in spanking (which I don't), then absolutely a stepparent should never spank or otherwise inflict pain on a stepchild. 

  

I do believe that a stepparent should stay out of the bio parents communications and what goes on in the "ex's" household unless invited to participate by both bio parents. 

Again, we have the family law system and NO FAULT DIVORCE that ENABLES parents to get a divorce with no reason but  to state the marriage is irretrievably broken, to thank.  The choices are there, also incentives such as control and child support rewards the winning parent.  It takes BOTH parents to work it out but as long as parents are allowed by law to battle for the PRIZED title of CUSTODIAL PARENT the kids will still be violated by their parents and the family law system that allows this to go on.

Likewise, I can completely relate to your comments. 

  

I couldn't sleep either, I was pretty freaked out! That's one of the most disturbing programmes I've watched in a long time by far.  

  

Yup, I too have heard there are parallels between meth use and sociopathic behaviour and this guy started out severely antisocial. Like others here, I too thought he would strike out at any minute. Also, he seemed to try and stickhandle his way around every pointed question that Dr. Phil asked. Not exactly the behaviour of a remorseful "changed" man. 

  

I think to allow him access would be rolling the dice... 

My ex and I share parent.  We live 2 miles apart.  I see my children everyday and so does he.  In summer when they go on vacation with dad, I don't see them daily but I enjoy the break.  The kids call me and tell me all the fun they are having etc.  I get along with his new wife and encourage the children to obey her rules but she is not the disciplinarian of our children.  That responsibility belongs to mom and dad. When she first entered the picture with my ex my children told me she tried to administer corporal punishment but I got that sorted out very quickly and it didn't occur again. I am also remarried and my husband does not discipline my children.  It takes a special person to be a stepparent.  You take on alot and receive little credit.  So to all you good stepparents out there, well done!

  I have seen this happen to good friend's of mine.  After my friend's divorce, the mother got custody bacause my friend gave it it her.  But after almost 2 yrs, the mother was going to move away he took action.  They had been living only a few miles from each other.  They agreed on joint custody, a 6 mo. split with each parent (both had remarried and father now had a child with new wife.)  Although the mother still moved, they did the 6 mos split for a few years.  The child was doing much better in school at the father's.  The mother would not communicate with the school while the child was at the father's, but the father did conference and even volunteered at the school while the child was living with mom.  Somewhere the already fragile line of communication was broke down because the mom refused to speak or email with the father.  Meanwhile, the father was suspecting something was not right with his ex's new husband.  And with good reason, he was a wanted felon.  The felon was put in jail and the father filed for custody because the mom was hiding that fact, and taking the child to see the stepdad in jail.  She did eventually get out of the relationship with the felon (although she stayed married to him for a long time.)  When everything was said and done, the mother actually got custody because she had a daughter from a previous relationship and the judge kept the fought over child with the older half sibling from the mom. 

  The problem is that the courts failed this family.  They did not go through mediation, which I undertand to be a requirement in the state my friend lives in.  The judge did not allow a custody evaluation and no parenting classes were ever ordered.  Even to get the parenting plan in writing was nightmare which was aggrevated by the courts and things were pushed so quickly that there was a lot left out that needs to be in there.  The mom uses every nuance of the plan and manipulates it so the dad loses time with his child.  Yet, in court she was deemed to be the parent to better faciliate the visitation.  All this because while they had joint custody, the mom would not bring the child back at the agreed upon time, and sometimes not for days.  So, the father would request that the mother sign something stating when she would return the child. 

  To make matters worse, the mother got awarded a substantial amount of her attorney fees.  The father didn't have the resources to file for custody in the first place.  He borrowed money from family, and even got his lawyer to reduce his rate tremendously.  The mother had gotten a lawyer that charged over 3x the amount my friend's lawyer charged.  And he filed in good faith!  Not to mention that when the mom filed her response, she also agreed that it was not in the best interest for the boys to have joint custody. 

  I have to think that if the family had the benefit of the system working the way it should, the outcome would be different.  Or at least my friend would not feel so cheated.  He so much wanted to prove that he is a good father.  But although laws may say that one parent doesn't get preferrential treatment, it seems to me that it certainly does exist. 

  It is so good to see someone acknowledge the fact that the family court system is an American Tragedy. 

How much money will it take? 

  

Buy Ibm stock, in seven yrs.  you will have enough for college..  

I say this.  No one is immune to the family court system.  This can happen to any parent who's spouse chooses to divorce them.  This can happen to your sons and daughters.  This can happen to your grandchildren and unless you been through the system you cannot see how it really works and how a decent mother or father can be deprived of being a fully functional parent in their children's lives simply because an ex spouse chooses to not cooperate and be vindictive and use the children as pawns.  There should be no such thing as a non custodial parent unless that parent is a danger to the children.  No parent should be a visitor in their child life, no parent should have to depend on the good will of the other just to see their children.  Try walking in the shoes of a non custodial parent for a while and see how they feel.  Dr Phil is fond of saying people will do to you what you allow them to do.  As long as the law allows one parent, a custodial parent, to have all control this kind of abuse of the children and the parent child relationship will continue.

It frustrates me about the custody issues that arise when people divorce.  I happen to have fallen into this category without wanting it.   

  

A few years ago, my ex wanted to divorce because he was for some reason or other not thrilled with me anymore.  I was at a big loss for this because he would not talk to me about what was going on and why.  Try as I might nothing ever came of those 'chats' and we ended up going through not only divorce but a custody battle as well.  At the time my daughter was nearly 12 and my son nearly 5.  Both kids have always been the world to me and to have them go live with their dad really worried me because I was always the one that saw to their needs daily and nightly.  He could do it but there seemed to be this idea that a woman should see to the kids needs.  The temporary custody battle ensued about a month after I had to get my own place.  He tried to prove me unfit to the judge and lost it.  For a few months he did have to pay child support but in the end when we did divorce he offered the one thing I could not fathom.  Giving up to joint custody with the kids at his home.  I did not want this because I knew he would have to find someone else to care for them with his weird work schedule.  My lawyer even said with the things stacked up it was in his favor if I tried to fight.  THE ONLY REASON I let them go was because I did not want them to live in worry where they might be in the next few  months.   This was a sacrifice I cried for a long time over because I was and still am so close to my kids.  With the joint custody we both had to agree on matters before any decisions were made but in the end he would somehow forget to tell me what was going on and have it done before my input was ever asked for and left me feeling very upset and crazed that I was left out of my children's life like that.  I have taken more control and now ask all the time about things that might just be coming up so that it has to keep him on his toes.  I want to be part of their life but unfortuneately I am being treated as if I was no more than the woman who bore his kids. 

  

His relationship with our son has gone so far downhill it is not funny and I am not sure where it is with our daughter though both love him because he is their dad.  Ever since the divorce he has dated a lot of women and married twice more giving my kids two step moms in the process and it worries me what message they get besides having bad relationships with one step mom and an okay one with the other plus having lots of step siblings to deal with.  I know it is his life and he lives it how he wants but in the end the kids do most of the suffering.   

  

Both of my kids want to come back to me but we all are afraid their dad will fight it to no end and make life very impossible to live.  I have seen to this day the hate in his face when I come for my kids.  I still do not know why he hates me so but I make it known that those kids are more important to me than having another man in my life and theirs.  THEY are the reason I get up everyday and go to work.  They are the reason I give them all the things as I did before their dad wanted out of the marriage and have not changed my ways with them. 

  

I want to point out it is very hard to be on the end of having to give in to the kids going to live with a parent that does not always show his kids what he should and at the same time would love to see me totally out of their lives.  I can not do that and it is a battle I fight everyday.  I just know that one of these days the kids will have their say with their dad and he may pay for it dearly or be told how much they love him.  But until then, I have to do the things I need to for them...IT IS REALLY ABOUT THE KIDS.  As my grandmother once said and I quote;  "I believe in marriage to one man and unto death.  And I do not believe in divorce.  It is the kids who suffer the most in it."  I keep this in mind everytime my kids tell me that dad has a new lady in his life for I want them to have all of me until they are grown and know that I did the best that I could because in the end that is all anyone can do. 

 Where did you read that??! Did you just make that up??! It sure sounds like you did!! First of all, if you really had looked at all the statistics on this you would realize that what you said is so completely untrue, especially in the US. Second of all, this is NOT about statistics! Children have ALWAYS needed both parents in their lives or atleast a good mother and father figure! Why dont you take some time to read (and I mean really read, not make something up again) about kids who grew up having no mother figure in their lives and see where that takes you! WOW....and I really thought I had heard all the dumbest things people had to say in the world!

I had been one of these, "Dr. Phil??? Yeah, right, whatever"....but then my girlfriend got me watching the show recently. I only have been able to tune in now and then, since I am looking for work. But, yesterday's show actually, made me shake and have bad dreams. It brought up some of my own past. I was/am worried for Angela. She has every reason to shield her daughter from Chris. I still can't forget that look in his eyes.  This is a disturbed violent man, in my opinion. I am not an authority in the medical field, but as a survivor of abuse and a person in the legal field, I know what I saw. Chris is the  type of man that makes women run and hide.  Angela is doing a great job at raising her child, and should be rewarded for her good judgement.  I do think Chris has made some progress, wish him well in his recovery efforts. He should be given that credit, I agree.  But one thing I noticed is that he still didn't take responsibility for his actions. He constantly minimized his behavior, as really, "no big deal", made excuses and wanted to point out "his facts"..  Also, he was taking the position, that he is the victim here. He may be. However, for now, he needs to allow  his daughter and Angela, to try to live a normal life.  Also, this comment is not a gender comment. If this was reversed and Chris a woman, I would still say the same.  Thank you Dr. Phil for having great insight and judgement. The world is a better place because of people like you and Oprah. Thank you for having the love and resources to help change one person at a time.  I was wrong about you, you are right on!