Topic : 03/23 Nasty Custody Battles

I'm a 38-year old single woman who's been dating a wonderful 39-year old man for the last year.  He is currently legally separated.  They were together for thirteen years, married for the last half and have been separated for a year and a half.  They have a a four-year old son and my boyfriend has joint custody - he sees the son every second weekend as the mom moved two hours away to be with her boyfriend, the one she cheated on my boyfriend with.  My problem is that when I hear about the parents fighting in front of the child at the very least, resulting in the child playing interference or at the worst, crying and begging his parents to stop being "mean" to each other, I am so filled with feelings of sadness and helplessness for the son and so angry with the parents that I don't know what to do with myself - how do you get people to recognize how hurtful they're acting?!  I recognize that my feelings stem from the fact that I myself experienced a nasty divorce with my parents and was frequently caught in the middle, so definitley I'm identifying with the child and completely understand that this is bringing up stuff for me so perhaps I need to better understand what is my pain and let the adults figure it out.  But in the meantime, what do I do?  if the parents aren't going to think of the child first, then who is? 

I really need some help,  i have a beautiful 9 year old little boy who's father wants nothing to do with him at all and never has, I have tried and tried in very nice ways to get this man to have a relationship with his son but to no avail.  Every year I pray that this Easter or this Christmas or this Birthday, he will just pick up the phone and call his little boy and want to see him, or start to get to know him, just have lunch with him................but on the other hand I don't really know if this is what my son would want.   I am so very confused,  i live with a man and we have been together for about 5 years and my son and this man have become pretty close.  My son is a very good little guy, has lots of friends and does really well in school and seems to be pretty happy most of the time,  but every once in awhile he will bring up the subject about how his Dad must really hate him, or what kind of a Dad would not want to know their little boy or girl.  I am worried that maybe this will have a huge effect on him when he is grown and has kids of his own one day.  What kind of person does not want to know their child,  have a relationship with them even if it is a distant one...how can a parent let Christmas come and go without even a phone call or a card or something.  I spend almost all of my free time with my son and we do everything together, we talk all the time about his sad feelings and because of  this situation, I have a very hard time disciplining him,  It is very hard to get mad at him when i know that he looks at me like his mother and his father and he needs me so much in his life.   

My question is......what happens as he gets older and he starts to get angry because his real father was never part of his life, should i keep trying to get his father to call him or write him or get to know him or is this just  something i should let go. 

I really don't know what to do.......anyone else in this situation? 

Signed,  Very Sad for my boy 

I am glad that someone has some "real" information to prove that mother's are as much to blame as the father's.  You do hear MORE about mother's killing there children.  Not to say that men haven't done this as well, I know the stories.  But everyone stop blaming the MEN for everything. 

This is a two-way street.  Both parties should be held accountable.   

Stop all the "Hear say". 

Any divorce involving a child is sad.  Luckily, I never had to experience that.  But I have to question why people have children with no thought.  I would think that the relationship between the parents would be a huge factor in determining to have a child.  Also, knowing someone for at least a year should be a factor.  Personally, in this day and age of birth control, I don't think "accidents" are acceptable.  Of course, birth control does fail.   

I don' t think getting married for the sake of a child is always the best thing.  But there would at least be  some stability in the child's life. 

I know how hard it is to be in a terrible relationship.  Luckily, when my marriage fell apart, I didn't have children.  I can't imagine the pain of going through that.  It's easy for me to think that I wouldn't be selfish about my children spending time with my ex, but who knows? 

For all you single parents out there, good luck, and god bless. 

Hi there... I wanted to share a little bit of my husband's story because he grew up without a father too.  His mom raised him very well though, and had excellent male figures in her son's life such as his grandfather and uncles.  They were able to do those boys things with him like hunting, cars and other such things.  I used to ask my husband if it bothered him that his dad wasn't around, and he says no, and he is truely not bothered by it.  I think it makes him a more loving and nourturing father since he knows what it is like to not have one to do those daddy things.  He changed more diapers that I did, and enjoys every aspect of our daughter's life.  He never missed a single pre-natal appts, and has only ever missed one urgent care trip to the pediatrician.  I think that his mom did an excellent job of raising him.  And I ask her how she handled the "why doesn't my dad want to be in my life" questions.  She said she never tried to force the father to be in her son's life.  It would have been worse to have a dad in his life that doesn't want to be there then to just not have him in his life at all.  My husband agrees with that totally.  His mom never bad mouthed his dad, just told him that he wasn't ready to be a dad.  She didn't try to be his mom and dad... just the best mom she could be.  All this worrying about trying to get the father invovled in your son's life is going to take it's toll on you and you won't be able to perform at your best to be his mom.  If your son sees that you resent his father for not being in your life or at least your son's life, you son will too.  If you just take in stride and tell your son that his father was meant to be a part of your life so they could make him,  that will go a long way.  I think that the sensitivity and grace about the situation that my husband's mother showed him has made him an incredible husband and father.  And your son can grow up without being angry if you approach it right.  The biggest thing my husband said was that his mother never ever did was make him feel that he was missing out on life because he didn't have his father around. 

My sister also has two sons and their fathers are not in their life and never have been.  When my nephews were very young, she married her husband now.  He raised those boys as his own, and they know that they have other father's, but my sister did the same thing.... she never made them feel as though they were missing out on life because their biological dads aren't around.  They both call their stepdad, "Dad" by their choice.  They are teenagers now, and are well adjusted kids that know that life is not picture perfect, but that life can still work out good. 

I hope this helps your situation, at least a little!!  Good luck to you and your son!  

As a dad of 3 boys with a angry ex, I have finally given up and told the boys (two of whom do wish to be with me) I will no longer see them.  I watched this show and am glad I made the decision to never remarry, since this would just build the already tense relationship to a crescendo.   My ex, like many women, are not satisfied with life, unless it is completely controlled by their agenda, compromise is out of the question.  The problem with many people, and my estimation for the expanding divorce rate in this country, is primarily due to the "womens movement" and the selfishness (both male and female) that followed the "me generation".   

My story is about the same as any, with the vicious legal battle, false accusations of abuse, missed visitation due to "the boys have plans", and the like.  Then more court battles where visitation denial by the ex went from contempt of court to "you need to communicate more".  Men do not have the courts favor in any matter pertaining to visitation, fair settlements, or divorce in general, and Dr. Phil will never show that on this show.  Instead he picks cases which push the social agenda; that men make bad fathers, poor choices, and violent partners.  I bet he is either lying about how he and Robin get along, or represses his own feelings and plans and is totally "whipped" for lack of a better word.  There are men out there who genuinely care about their kids, (I know I do) they pay child support, and still get the shaft from our society and courts.  All due to of a minority of those "bad fathers" who set precedence in the rotten, corrupt, court system in the United States. 

My only hope for our boys and myself will have to lie with the wonderful government agencies who are now burdened with their upbringing and support.  Its some wonder the Bible states "God hates divorce"! 

Bob 

I barely listened to the show, but hubby came home commenting on this particular episode,  

which was apparently on a co-worker's television.  

Could someone please clarify what Dr. Phil's intention was when he told the guests that 

a step parent has no business, no say in anything related to the child, that the parents and 

the parents alone should tend to the child? 

Please tell me hubby misunderstood Dr. Phil. I can't believe he would say something so bizarre. 

I'll delay making further comment in case hubs misunderstood. 

DITTO! I agree. I think people do children a great disservice when they do otherwise. If my child goes to a babysitter, I am gone, he is expected to OBEY her rules - whether they are different from mine or not.