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Topic : 06/19 Pressured Into Marriage

Number of Replies: 234
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Created on : Friday, January 06, 2006, 01:42:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/10/06) Whether from personal guilt or family pressure, many couples rush to the altar – and regret it later. Heather and Jeff were virgins when they started dating. After their relationship started heating up and the two became intimate, Heather feared judgment from her minister father and ran down the aisle. Now their house is filled with resentment. Why is she disappointed with Jeff, and is there hope for their future? Next, Michelle said she had doubts about marrying Steve during her walk down the aisle. Now, nine years later, what is behind the overwhelming conflict in their marriage? Plus, meet two best friends who are plotting to make sure their kids get married. What do the teens think? Whether you're planning a black-tie affair or eloping to Sin City, don't miss what Dr. Phil says you need to know, consider and plan for when making a lifetime commitment. Join the discussion.

 

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January 10, 2006, 1:24 am CST

Wait until 25, have fun in the meantime.

  I am off of the subject, a little....Get college done, and find a career....   Look at your childhood.   father gone?  Father figure?  Money issues?   Learn and grow...  Love is a behavior, not a feeling..    

  

Dr Phil.. Please read. My letter, I sent thru the regular mail.  from Mishawaka, IN.  I also sent at least 15 e-mails.  Thanks.  Take care. 

Also posted on divorce battles, look what I posted..  2 total.   

  

  

 
January 10, 2006, 1:40 am CST

Love Is not a feeling,Its a behavoir..

There are 4 things in life,  that effects your  Behavior..  heredity,environment, friends, senses. 

  

Dr Phil...  Please read my letter I sent thru regular mail.    Thanks..  John 

 
January 10, 2006, 6:10 am CST

This is a hot button issue for me

My own parents married at a ridiculous young age becasue they were in loooooooove.  Well guess what when they grew up and realized they had made a huge mistake they had three children and didn't think divorce was an option. 

I grew up in a house where my parents fought everyday.  This gives little children a very skewed sense of what marriage should be like.  My brother has been divorced twice and my sister is in her second marriage.  I finally married at 33 but for years and years I had an inherent distrust of men in general and made horrible life choices. 

I do not feel any sympathy for either couple, I do feel sorry for the innocent children that live in the hell their parents created.  Pregnancy is very easy to prevent, so why would anyone bring a child into an already unstable situation?  I'm sure these people love their children but in this instance "Love doesn't feed the bulldog". 

Dr. Phil often says it is better to come form a broken home than to live in one.  I can strongly testify to the truthfulness of this statement. 

 
January 10, 2006, 6:29 am CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

It may sound trivial, but the one thing that I couldn't let go of is the two women who want thier children to marry eachother, " Think of the beautiful babies they'd make!",  What on earth would they do if thier children decided not to have children? I've been married for almost two years, been w/ my husband for 6 yrs before that, and now we're getting the baby talk. As if the sole mission of us getting married is to crank out babies right away. I am not against having children, and I do hope to have kids some day, but not now. There are many things I want to do, as well as being able to provide a good home. It's this whole attitude that I am a bad person, or that I'm not fulfilling my duty as a woman because I don't have kids yet.  

  

Don't people see how rude it is to ask complete strangers about this, "Time is running out!..tick tock, tick tock!" it's easy for people to want us to have kids when they will not be responsible for them. I work in the health care industry, and I've been at my job for about six years. Patients know I'm married, and they do not hesitate to state how they feel about kids and when I should have them. I'm not that old. I'm 27.  

  

Babies are not an accessory. There are many instances of teenage pregnancies where I live because girls want babies. They want them because they are cute, because they get attention from being a mother. That's not what it's about. You shouldn't think about if your baby matches your clothes. I would think that people would be happy that I am giving thought to how can I bring a child into the best life possible that my husband and I can provide, rather than popping one out like an assembly line.  

  

Ugghh..thank you for letting me vent. 

  

 
January 10, 2006, 6:56 am CST

Children

There was a couple on the show, the husband 50 and the wife 29.  Dr. Phil mentioned that when they fight it does affect the children in a very negative manner and he talked about how that becomes a part of the children's personality.  

  

I just wanted to say that he is completely correct about how the children feel, they blame themselves. When I was younger my mom and step-dad always fought about money and so it got to the point where I would only ask for things if I absolutely had to. I used to ask my brother when we were kids if we were poor, or if my mother would have to file for bankrupcy after she divorced my step-dad. I was 12. I got a job when I was 14 because I didn't want to be a financial burden to my mother anymore. She would say things like, "It's going to be really tight this month you guys." It would scare me. 

  

I'm 20 years old and in college now. I didn't think that this past  had affected me as much as it really did. Earlier in this school year I wasn't making enough money to stay on top of my bills and do the things that I needed to. I didn't have enough money for an oil change when my car was 4,000 miles over and I didn't have the $20 copay to see my doctor. Finally I said something to my parents about my struggles. I cried for a week. It hurt me so much to have to ask for money. All my friends said, "Honey that's what your parents are for. They're supposed to help you in college." But I felt so bad for not being able to take care of myself. I went as long as I possibly could without asking for help and any time I do need help I really do cry for a week. I have this huge sense of guilt for asking my parents for help.  

  

My mom doesn't believe that any of this is that big of a deal. But I'd like to thank Dr. Phil for recognizing that this is an issue that kids do deal with and it does stay with them. 

  

Leslie 

 
January 10, 2006, 7:27 am CST

pressured into marriage

I want to thank Dr.Phil for giving Jeff and Heather an opportunity to have their thoughts expressed. I am not  usually an advocate of airing laundry in front of National TV because you have to go home and face the music so to speak. However, I admire Jeff and Heather immensely for they are  making the most of their dicisions inspite of what led them into making it. They are utilizing the services offered by Dr.Phil of an excellent therapist in their area to address the challenges and needs that they each have as young adults. The show was the catalyst for them walking the talk.  Jeff and Heather want to make a happy family for themselves and their children. I am proud they are "my children" and I love them both with all my heart. Heather and Jeff are not afraid to take chances or risks to live their lives to the fullest. They are great people and wonderful parents. Just spend a little time with the kids and you know that these are happy, bright and personable kids. The good Lord knows what we need and will work this out for good because Jeff and Heather are willing to do their best and try to do whatever they can to make a difference. Happy marriages just don't happen. They take work and honesty. Once lust settles down, love settles in for those who decide to work at it.  Love you both always , Mom xox 

 
January 10, 2006, 7:38 am CST

Tell everyone to back off!

Quote From: alteaon

It may sound trivial, but the one thing that I couldn't let go of is the two women who want thier children to marry eachother, " Think of the beautiful babies they'd make!",  What on earth would they do if thier children decided not to have children? I've been married for almost two years, been w/ my husband for 6 yrs before that, and now we're getting the baby talk. As if the sole mission of us getting married is to crank out babies right away. I am not against having children, and I do hope to have kids some day, but not now. There are many things I want to do, as well as being able to provide a good home. It's this whole attitude that I am a bad person, or that I'm not fulfilling my duty as a woman because I don't have kids yet.  

  

Don't people see how rude it is to ask complete strangers about this, "Time is running out!..tick tock, tick tock!" it's easy for people to want us to have kids when they will not be responsible for them. I work in the health care industry, and I've been at my job for about six years. Patients know I'm married, and they do not hesitate to state how they feel about kids and when I should have them. I'm not that old. I'm 27.  

  

Babies are not an accessory. There are many instances of teenage pregnancies where I live because girls want babies. They want them because they are cute, because they get attention from being a mother. That's not what it's about. You shouldn't think about if your baby matches your clothes. I would think that people would be happy that I am giving thought to how can I bring a child into the best life possible that my husband and I can provide, rather than popping one out like an assembly line.  

  

Ugghh..thank you for letting me vent. 

  

You are absolutely correct babies are not an accesory and they certainly aren't cute and sweet smelling all the time.  I got the "talk" for years from well meaning friends and family.  But I waited until I was ready and that didn't happen until I was 35. I am due any day now!!!! 

I have so much more to offer my baby now and I am old enough not to resent her for "holding me back".  I will never have to wonder about the road not traveled, because I traveled them all, I partied and had a great time.  But I was finally ready to settle down, get married and have children. 

Don't have a baby one second before you are ready. 

 
January 10, 2006, 8:40 am CST

Heather's feelings are mine too (for 25 years!)

I have been married for 25 years and feel as Heather does -- that I was duped by my husband into believing that he was something he was not. The pretty picture he painted of his family and himself as a hard working, caring and stable man was untruthful and unrealistic (most of his his siblings agree with me). My parents left me a small fortune when they passed so although my husband was handed a financially secure future on a silver platter, he dropped the ball -- lost our home, trashed all the credit my parents had helped us establish (by not paying the bills) and he recently filed for bankruptcy (excluding me so the creditors now are calling on me to pay the debts). He's had new jobs on an average of about every five years and has moved our family from rented home to rented home (he's never owned his own home and at almost 50 years of age he is only now paying on the first car he's ever owned) and to this day continues to lag behind in paying the bills -- no matter how many times we pull ourselves up he manages to drop the ball time and again. As a person he is thoughtless, irresponsible, self-centered, and unpassionate (except for his interests) and basically acts like a child when it comes to any type of responsibility. Upon planning our marriage in 1980, he moved into my family's home, living there for months while never once contributing to the budget although he ate three meals a day there (no, he never even helped around the house), drove my family's cars, my mother washed and ironed his clothes and bedding, and living rent-free there until he found a job he "liked" while spending his "free" time (while I worked full-time to support us as a couple) by jogging and woodworking, basically playing around the house. His degree is in phys ed-health but his current job is only remotely related to his degree. I thought I married a teacher but he's never in 25 years held a teaching job and only sought one in that field upon graduation but never since. (My major was journlaism and I've been an editor ever since except for raising our children so I feel that what he saw was what HE got.) My parents even paid for our engagement-wedding rings! Now that our kids are grown we have no relationship -- sexually or otherwise -- and we fight most of the time and when we aren't fighting we merely exist in the same space. I'm not in a financial position to file for divorce (he won't put up the money to repair my old car so I cannot seek substantial employment and if I become employed the creditors will collect from me the money he hasn't paid to them), he hides his money from his paycheck and has never put so much as a dime in my wallet (I have to ask-beg for anything I need) although I shared my small family fortune with him and for our children's sake (he also went through the children's college funds to pay bills) AND his family as well and in my frustration I've said many of the mean things Heather has said so I've become unhappy with myself. Am I doomed to live the remainder of my life in this situation? Am I too old at 47 to start anew? And if it is possible to start anew, how would one go about digging themself out of this deep dark hole? (He's refused to seek any type of counseling individually or as a couple although I have gone on my own, where I was put on anti-depressants as the therpaists conceded that I in fact did have no way out under the circumstances.) How do you determine, Dr. Phil, if a 25-year relationship is a viable one? We never did sit down before marriage to establish goals so is it too late now? Is it even worth it or do we just write off 25 years recognizing that we got married for the wrong reasons or was I just plain duped and used? Heather better watch out or she'll be where I am now in 25 years. My life might be her future!
 
January 10, 2006, 9:20 am CST

arranged marriage

now a days we are lost..in the maze of modernism...and modern women...in olden days  love use to blossom after marriage...............there use to be that element  of surprise  curiostiy  anticipation ..but now adays    the feelings of  lust, teenage infatuation and peer pressure to be in love or to be in a relationship  pushes man and women to make  wrong choices..... 

 

We in india were  use to have arranged marriages  ..yet our culture was very sexually active...  We gave world  kamasutra..... becuase then expression of and talking sex was not tabooed....but was encouraged..now boys and girls attain puberty without knowing  what is it and how to react....the age old practice of getting married on puberty ...was safe and sound practice.....thats why till today in many culture  attaianing puberty for a girl is celebrated in a big way..... 

in modern society  we dont let our children   marry at the tender age of 14-18  when the biological clock  is ready sexually.....and moreover we expect them to remain virgin..till they get married.....sometime which is  for next 10-15 years... 

the thing is we have to understand...even though human brain has developd and we have reached the moon...basicaly we are also  part of the animal kingdon..and we still have the same animal instinct...as  any other animal....and no mater how much we try to confine ourself to the so called law of the society.....our animal instinct and beahaviour takes over...we are no different  from any lion tiger or a bison  we still have the same desires....and we still fight for our mate and at times competion gets  violent... 

 

modern women needs to understand  ..for man it is very difficult to remain faithfull and pure  in body and in mind......what the women expects now days it is against mans nature..it is like training the lion to eat grass  thats  what society is doing  taming a wild animal.. 

i am sure  the most faithful man in the world also looks at passing womens  ooozing breast...bulging  back side...and thinks wow what a sight.... ....if only i can have sex with her once...... because for men sex is a phycsical requirement....but for a women it is emotional..men canstill ove his wife very much and still have sex wiht another women....and not feel guilty....it is in his genes.....i mean no disrespect to women....but  thats how we are made..where as women needs to be emotionally involved  to have sex with a man... 

 

 

 
January 10, 2006, 9:23 am CST

Throw in the towel

Quote From: jmn22859

I have been married for 25 years and feel as Heather does -- that I was duped by my husband into believing that he was something he was not. The pretty picture he painted of his family and himself as a hard working, caring and stable man was untruthful and unrealistic (most of his his siblings agree with me). My parents left me a small fortune when they passed so although my husband was handed a financially secure future on a silver platter, he dropped the ball -- lost our home, trashed all the credit my parents had helped us establish (by not paying the bills) and he recently filed for bankruptcy (excluding me so the creditors now are calling on me to pay the debts). He's had new jobs on an average of about every five years and has moved our family from rented home to rented home (he's never owned his own home and at almost 50 years of age he is only now paying on the first car he's ever owned) and to this day continues to lag behind in paying the bills -- no matter how many times we pull ourselves up he manages to drop the ball time and again. As a person he is thoughtless, irresponsible, self-centered, and unpassionate (except for his interests) and basically acts like a child when it comes to any type of responsibility. Upon planning our marriage in 1980, he moved into my family's home, living there for months while never once contributing to the budget although he ate three meals a day there (no, he never even helped around the house), drove my family's cars, my mother washed and ironed his clothes and bedding, and living rent-free there until he found a job he "liked" while spending his "free" time (while I worked full-time to support us as a couple) by jogging and woodworking, basically playing around the house. His degree is in phys ed-health but his current job is only remotely related to his degree. I thought I married a teacher but he's never in 25 years held a teaching job and only sought one in that field upon graduation but never since. (My major was journlaism and I've been an editor ever since except for raising our children so I feel that what he saw was what HE got.) My parents even paid for our engagement-wedding rings! Now that our kids are grown we have no relationship -- sexually or otherwise -- and we fight most of the time and when we aren't fighting we merely exist in the same space. I'm not in a financial position to file for divorce (he won't put up the money to repair my old car so I cannot seek substantial employment and if I become employed the creditors will collect from me the money he hasn't paid to them), he hides his money from his paycheck and has never put so much as a dime in my wallet (I have to ask-beg for anything I need) although I shared my small family fortune with him and for our children's sake (he also went through the children's college funds to pay bills) AND his family as well and in my frustration I've said many of the mean things Heather has said so I've become unhappy with myself. Am I doomed to live the remainder of my life in this situation? Am I too old at 47 to start anew? And if it is possible to start anew, how would one go about digging themself out of this deep dark hole? (He's refused to seek any type of counseling individually or as a couple although I have gone on my own, where I was put on anti-depressants as the therpaists conceded that I in fact did have no way out under the circumstances.) How do you determine, Dr. Phil, if a 25-year relationship is a viable one? We never did sit down before marriage to establish goals so is it too late now? Is it even worth it or do we just write off 25 years recognizing that we got married for the wrong reasons or was I just plain duped and used? Heather better watch out or she'll be where I am now in 25 years. My life might be her future!
That may sound harsh but it doesn't matter if you have been married 35 years you are obivously unhappy and this is hurting your children
 
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