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Topic : 06/19 Pressured Into Marriage

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Created on : Friday, January 06, 2006, 01:42:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/10/06) Whether from personal guilt or family pressure, many couples rush to the altar – and regret it later. Heather and Jeff were virgins when they started dating. After their relationship started heating up and the two became intimate, Heather feared judgment from her minister father and ran down the aisle. Now their house is filled with resentment. Why is she disappointed with Jeff, and is there hope for their future? Next, Michelle said she had doubts about marrying Steve during her walk down the aisle. Now, nine years later, what is behind the overwhelming conflict in their marriage? Plus, meet two best friends who are plotting to make sure their kids get married. What do the teens think? Whether you're planning a black-tie affair or eloping to Sin City, don't miss what Dr. Phil says you need to know, consider and plan for when making a lifetime commitment. Join the discussion.

 

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January 10, 2006, 11:21 am CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: lesann620

There was a couple on the show, the husband 50 and the wife 29.  Dr. Phil mentioned that when they fight it does affect the children in a very negative manner and he talked about how that becomes a part of the children's personality.  

  

I just wanted to say that he is completely correct about how the children feel, they blame themselves. When I was younger my mom and step-dad always fought about money and so it got to the point where I would only ask for things if I absolutely had to. I used to ask my brother when we were kids if we were poor, or if my mother would have to file for bankrupcy after she divorced my step-dad. I was 12. I got a job when I was 14 because I didn't want to be a financial burden to my mother anymore. She would say things like, "It's going to be really tight this month you guys." It would scare me. 

  

I'm 20 years old and in college now. I didn't think that this past  had affected me as much as it really did. Earlier in this school year I wasn't making enough money to stay on top of my bills and do the things that I needed to. I didn't have enough money for an oil change when my car was 4,000 miles over and I didn't have the $20 copay to see my doctor. Finally I said something to my parents about my struggles. I cried for a week. It hurt me so much to have to ask for money. All my friends said, "Honey that's what your parents are for. They're supposed to help you in college." But I felt so bad for not being able to take care of myself. I went as long as I possibly could without asking for help and any time I do need help I really do cry for a week. I have this huge sense of guilt for asking my parents for help.  

  

My mom doesn't believe that any of this is that big of a deal. But I'd like to thank Dr. Phil for recognizing that this is an issue that kids do deal with and it does stay with them. 

  

Leslie 

I think that the couple that had the huge age gap are at different points in the life along with all their other issues.  She seems very self centered and selfish and seems like she feels that she should get what she wants because she is young, where he is older and seems more resigned to let her have her way.  He needs to stand up to her and she needs to let him step in to help with his children without nagging him to do it.  Money seems to be one of the conflicts so, why is she not out working to support all the children SHE seems to need?  (And openly says are "her" children, he did participate in making them!!)  Those poor kids are going to grow up thinking that all parents fight and leave when the going gets tough, if they really wanted it to work they would make a long term plan, not just short term therapy sessions.  An everyday thought should not be "I want a divorce", it shouldn't even thought of at all unless there is a need/desire for one.  I can't help but  think that when she is done having all the kids she wants, there will be no need to keep him around!!   I hope that the kids will also get some kind of long term therapy, because like Leslie stated " it will become a part of the childs personality"  Is that the way the mom wants her son to treat his future girlfriend/wife?  I hope not!!  Sometimes a broken home is better for a child in the long run, they can start to get help and sort their feelings out without the additional conflict of living with fighting parents who openly  tell the other they want a divorce!!  It might make it easier for the kids if  changes were made now ( since they can't go back and stop the whole marriage), let them enjoy their life instead of becoming unhappy children!!
 
January 10, 2006, 11:41 am CST

I know how it feels to be pressured!

   When I was 17 I started dating my husband who is four years older than me. I had never been treated like he treated me. I thought I was a princess and going to live happily ever after. I got pregnant 2 months after I turned 18. We were engaged and were planning on getting married the following year.  

   My family had this huge hissy fit. The essentially forced me to push up the wedding date. I thought I was in love. Now when I look at my husband I do deeply care about him, but I don't know that the love is still there. We hardly talk, we hardly have sex. It seems like I married someone totally different than I dated.  

   My advice to anyone is don't rush into things and don't let anyone tell you to get married, make sure it is something you want whole heartedly. If you don't you will someday end wondering what would have happened. 

  

  

 
January 10, 2006, 11:42 am CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: alteaon

It may sound trivial, but the one thing that I couldn't let go of is the two women who want thier children to marry eachother, " Think of the beautiful babies they'd make!",  What on earth would they do if thier children decided not to have children? I've been married for almost two years, been w/ my husband for 6 yrs before that, and now we're getting the baby talk. As if the sole mission of us getting married is to crank out babies right away. I am not against having children, and I do hope to have kids some day, but not now. There are many things I want to do, as well as being able to provide a good home. It's this whole attitude that I am a bad person, or that I'm not fulfilling my duty as a woman because I don't have kids yet.  

  

Don't people see how rude it is to ask complete strangers about this, "Time is running out!..tick tock, tick tock!" it's easy for people to want us to have kids when they will not be responsible for them. I work in the health care industry, and I've been at my job for about six years. Patients know I'm married, and they do not hesitate to state how they feel about kids and when I should have them. I'm not that old. I'm 27.  

  

Babies are not an accessory. There are many instances of teenage pregnancies where I live because girls want babies. They want them because they are cute, because they get attention from being a mother. That's not what it's about. You shouldn't think about if your baby matches your clothes. I would think that people would be happy that I am giving thought to how can I bring a child into the best life possible that my husband and I can provide, rather than popping one out like an assembly line.  

  

Ugghh..thank you for letting me vent. 

  

Until you have children, I guess you will remain hostile about this subject.  There are different views on this subject.  You have the old fashion views and the liberal views....and the list goes on.     

  

I have to say, people who wait to they are "financially" ready for children usually live to regret it.  I have spoke to countless mothers in my town who wish they started their family when they were young.  When will you ever be financially ready?  you will never know.  you could have everything planned to a "t" and then a disaster cuold wipe you clean.  I think money is a stupid reason to wait to have children.  I am younger than you, been married for 7 years and have 4 children.  We have been through financial struggles, we have been through it all.  No one bailed us out of anything and it made us stronger in the end.  we are making it now.    When my children are all in school, i will be in college.  I think that is so much more practical than going to college, getting a degree, starting a career, then having children and (1) quitting  what i worked so hard for or (2) still focusing on my career,  which means i won't be around for my children during the most crucial times in their life. 

  

children thrive on love not money.    

  

don't be offended when people ask when you are having children, isn'tthat what people do, get married and start a family??    you have been w/ this guy for 8 years!! 

  

  

 
January 10, 2006, 11:48 am CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: johnk3493

  I am off of the subject, a little....Get college done, and find a career....   Look at your childhood.   father gone?  Father figure?  Money issues?   Learn and grow...  Love is a behavior, not a feeling..    

  

Dr Phil.. Please read. My letter, I sent thru the regular mail.  from Mishawaka, IN.  I also sent at least 15 e-mails.  Thanks.  Take care. 

Also posted on divorce battles, look what I posted..  2 total.   

  

  

re:  "love is a behavior, not a feeling" 

  

That's wrong.  It's both, unless you're a sociopath.    

 
January 10, 2006, 12:05 pm CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: abbydabby

Until you have children, I guess you will remain hostile about this subject.  There are different views on this subject.  You have the old fashion views and the liberal views....and the list goes on.     

  

I have to say, people who wait to they are "financially" ready for children usually live to regret it.  I have spoke to countless mothers in my town who wish they started their family when they were young.  When will you ever be financially ready?  you will never know.  you could have everything planned to a "t" and then a disaster cuold wipe you clean.  I think money is a stupid reason to wait to have children.  I am younger than you, been married for 7 years and have 4 children.  We have been through financial struggles, we have been through it all.  No one bailed us out of anything and it made us stronger in the end.  we are making it now.    When my children are all in school, i will be in college.  I think that is so much more practical than going to college, getting a degree, starting a career, then having children and (1) quitting  what i worked so hard for or (2) still focusing on my career,  which means i won't be around for my children during the most crucial times in their life. 

  

children thrive on love not money.    

  

don't be offended when people ask when you are having children, isn'tthat what people do, get married and start a family??    you have been w/ this guy for 8 years!! 

  

  

Maybe that is "what people do", to get married and start a family. However people are different.  When I married my husband, I was looking for a partner, not just someone to father a child.  I am not ready to have a child. Period. It has nothing to do w/ finances but everything to do with not being ready. There are things we want to do, places we want to go. I do not feel emotionally ready to have a child right now.  

  

I will continue to be offended when people ask me about when I am having children. It is no one's business except for mine and my husband's.  When people ask these intrusive questions I feel that they are pushing thier views onto me, because they do not think I am doing what people are allegedly supposed to do. It may be what people do. But I'm not talking about people. I'm talking about me, and my husband and our lives.  

  

It is your choice for deciding to have children. Your choice and my choice are different, but one is not better than the other. 

 
January 10, 2006, 12:09 pm CST

I know so well

I wasn't pressured into marriage, but aparantly I pressured my fiance and his mom pressured him so , much that he finally proposed when he wasn't ready too and in the end it resulted in him calling off our wedding 5 days before.  This has been one of the toughest years of our 5 year relationship and Dr. Phil would lecture me about having the entire wedding planned before he had even proposed.  So now we are going through much emotional termoil since I pressured him and expected him to do what I wanted and when I wanted too, but he was not strong enough to tell me it wasn't what he wanted at the time either.
 
January 10, 2006, 12:11 pm CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: preraph

re:  "love is a behavior, not a feeling" 

  

That's wrong.  It's both, unless you're a sociopath.    

no, love ISa feeling.  How you expres it is behavior.
 
January 10, 2006, 1:00 pm CST

I felt guilty

I feel like I was pressured to get married at a young age (18).  We had no money and were only going to the courthouse to get married.  A few days before we had planned on going, I called him and told him I wanted to wait until we were older, I still wanted to go to college and just wasn't ready.  He begged me and cried asking me not to do this to him and I felt guilty so I did it anyway.  The first 10 years were good, then my feelings started changing toward him.  I started thinking of all the things I would have loved to do.  I don't have the education I always wanted and I'm not financially where I wanted to be at my age.  I feel a lot of resentment toward him.  We are now basically roommates.  I see him more as a friend than a spouse.  I can't even bring myself to say I love you or give him a kiss anymore. 
 
January 10, 2006, 1:12 pm CST

Childless by Choice

Quote From: alteaon

Maybe that is "what people do", to get married and start a family. However people are different.  When I married my husband, I was looking for a partner, not just someone to father a child.  I am not ready to have a child. Period. It has nothing to do w/ finances but everything to do with not being ready. There are things we want to do, places we want to go. I do not feel emotionally ready to have a child right now.  

  

I will continue to be offended when people ask me about when I am having children. It is no one's business except for mine and my husband's.  When people ask these intrusive questions I feel that they are pushing thier views onto me, because they do not think I am doing what people are allegedly supposed to do. It may be what people do. But I'm not talking about people. I'm talking about me, and my husband and our lives.  

  

It is your choice for deciding to have children. Your choice and my choice are different, but one is not better than the other. 

I totally agree!  It's refreshing to find someone who has the same thoughts I do 

  

I was married for 9 years and the questions never ceased about when I was going to have a baby.  Never mind that the finances were unstable, or my marriage was in trouble.  No one seemed to think that if I went through a divorce (which I did), that it would affect my child.  It is silly to think that a child will fix a marriage.  Or that one needs a child to be complete.  I think those people who bug me about having children before it's too late (i'm 33) are just jealous because I can afford to do things they can't.  Maybe people should do a little more thinking before they marry (I know I should have) AND have a child. 

  

And on the marriage thing, I was raised in a Mormon community, and there were a lot of shotgun weddings.  I see a lot of people my age unhappy and tied down with children because their church frowns on divorce. 

  

 
January 10, 2006, 1:13 pm CST

to the moms wanting their kids to marry

Growing up as a child, my best friend and I always wanted to be sisters or related in some way.  We grew up, kinda went our seperate ways and got married and had children.  We connected again when our children were small (my daughter and her son) were born a year apart.  We stayed in touch and about 12 years ago, we were invited to see her son race his sprint car. They started going out about two months after that.  Well to make a long story short, they have now been married for 4 years and this past July they had a son.  He was my daughters first and only boyfriend and at their wedding shower, we had the picture of them sitting together at my daughters 3rd birthday.  So my suggestion is to back off and if it is meant to be, it will happen.   We never pressured the kids when they were younger and I dont think we ever thought about seriously.  

 
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