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Topic : 06/19 Pressured Into Marriage

Number of Replies: 234
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Created on : Friday, January 06, 2006, 01:42:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/10/06) Whether from personal guilt or family pressure, many couples rush to the altar – and regret it later. Heather and Jeff were virgins when they started dating. After their relationship started heating up and the two became intimate, Heather feared judgment from her minister father and ran down the aisle. Now their house is filled with resentment. Why is she disappointed with Jeff, and is there hope for their future? Next, Michelle said she had doubts about marrying Steve during her walk down the aisle. Now, nine years later, what is behind the overwhelming conflict in their marriage? Plus, meet two best friends who are plotting to make sure their kids get married. What do the teens think? Whether you're planning a black-tie affair or eloping to Sin City, don't miss what Dr. Phil says you need to know, consider and plan for when making a lifetime commitment. Join the discussion.

 

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January 10, 2006, 1:15 pm CST

personal responsibility and sex

Quote From: rajkalra

now a days we are lost..in the maze of modernism...and modern women...in olden days  love use to blossom after marriage...............there use to be that element  of surprise  curiostiy  anticipation ..but now adays    the feelings of  lust, teenage infatuation and peer pressure to be in love or to be in a relationship  pushes man and women to make  wrong choices..... 

 

We in india were  use to have arranged marriages  ..yet our culture was very sexually active...  We gave world  kamasutra..... becuase then expression of and talking sex was not tabooed....but was encouraged..now boys and girls attain puberty without knowing  what is it and how to react....the age old practice of getting married on puberty ...was safe and sound practice.....thats why till today in many culture  attaianing puberty for a girl is celebrated in a big way..... 

in modern society  we dont let our children   marry at the tender age of 14-18  when the biological clock  is ready sexually.....and moreover we expect them to remain virgin..till they get married.....sometime which is  for next 10-15 years... 

the thing is we have to understand...even though human brain has developd and we have reached the moon...basicaly we are also  part of the animal kingdon..and we still have the same animal instinct...as  any other animal....and no mater how much we try to confine ourself to the so called law of the society.....our animal instinct and beahaviour takes over...we are no different  from any lion tiger or a bison  we still have the same desires....and we still fight for our mate and at times competion gets  violent... 

 

modern women needs to understand  ..for man it is very difficult to remain faithfull and pure  in body and in mind......what the women expects now days it is against mans nature..it is like training the lion to eat grass  thats  what society is doing  taming a wild animal.. 

i am sure  the most faithful man in the world also looks at passing womens  ooozing breast...bulging  back side...and thinks wow what a sight.... ....if only i can have sex with her once...... because for men sex is a phycsical requirement....but for a women it is emotional..men canstill ove his wife very much and still have sex wiht another women....and not feel guilty....it is in his genes.....i mean no disrespect to women....but  thats how we are made..where as women needs to be emotionally involved  to have sex with a man... 

 

 

  

.........for man it is very difficult to remain faithful and pure in body and mind.................................because for men it is a physical requirement...but for women it is emotional. 

  

May I ask if this idea comes from your personal experience or as a result of what you learned at home and the cultural attitudes you grew up with? 

  

I am an older woman with 2 grown children and was married for nearly 30 years.  My personal experience has taught me that men do get a feeling of physical release, like a release of tension, from the sex act, However..............so do I.  And as far as feelings, I have experienced that men also have feelings attached to sex, sometimes they are about ego and conquest.  And sometimes they are tender and loving.  I have also experienced the physical desire for sex, not entirely an emotional response. You might find it interesting that the men in Nazi Germany rationalized their sexual behavior, forced and consenting, by saying that it was an natural need that had to be accepted.  I could use the rationalization that I need more than 1 man because they are so limited in their natural ability to meet my emotional needs. 

 
January 10, 2006, 1:20 pm CST

Been there, done that

I have been in the same exact place as these two people (particularly the woman's) and it wasn't all that long ago.  For me, what turned the ship around was that I woke up one day and said to myself, you know what, no, this man isn't who I thought he was, life hasn't gone as I planned and I don't know if we will ever be as close as I would like, but I know this this, if I don't accept him today for who he was, regardless of whether or not he is ever going to be different (and also see that I have stinky ways too that he doesn't exactly like) I am never going to be happy..so I did just that. I decided to accept him just as he was and start over from that place and go on.  We have had the BEST year of our marriage since I let go of my unrealistic ideas and just moved on in to reality, just as I am, loving him just like he is.  It hasn't been easy but I could tell a difference in my husband from the first day I changed.  We went from cursing and screaming the worst possible words at the top of our lungs at each other to civil and calm when we deal with our problems now.  That has been just over the course of the last year.  It has taken a serious effort on both of our parts but we decided that if nothing changed we would be getting a divorce and we didn't want that. We haven't "arrived" but we are well on our way now.   
 
January 10, 2006, 1:35 pm CST

Wrong, Wrong Wrong

Quote From: abbydabby

Until you have children, I guess you will remain hostile about this subject.  There are different views on this subject.  You have the old fashion views and the liberal views....and the list goes on.     

  

I have to say, people who wait to they are "financially" ready for children usually live to regret it.  I have spoke to countless mothers in my town who wish they started their family when they were young.  When will you ever be financially ready?  you will never know.  you could have everything planned to a "t" and then a disaster cuold wipe you clean.  I think money is a stupid reason to wait to have children.  I am younger than you, been married for 7 years and have 4 children.  We have been through financial struggles, we have been through it all.  No one bailed us out of anything and it made us stronger in the end.  we are making it now.    When my children are all in school, i will be in college.  I think that is so much more practical than going to college, getting a degree, starting a career, then having children and (1) quitting  what i worked so hard for or (2) still focusing on my career,  which means i won't be around for my children during the most crucial times in their life. 

  

children thrive on love not money.    

  

don't be offended when people ask when you are having children, isn'tthat what people do, get married and start a family??    you have been w/ this guy for 8 years!! 

  

  

I am forever puzzeled by people with your train of thought.  You can't buy food, and shelter, and activities, and clothing with love honey.  That stuff cost money it may not matter to you but it will matter to your children. 

I waited until I was 35 to have my daughter because unlike you I wanted to be as prepared as humanly possible, also unlike you I have already gone to college and traveled and experienced life. 

My daughter has the best of both worlds love and financial security. 

Getting married out of high school is "dumb" to me, waiting until your ready financially and emotionally  stable is just common sense. 

  

 
January 10, 2006, 1:45 pm CST

i was in the same boat

 I was in the same boat i was 18 senior in high school she was 20 and pergant  so i did the right thing and married her just beause it was the right thing to do we did all thepre marriare  stuff 9 years later she left me for onther man left me with 3 kids and she never sees the kids again  in my opion young people shoild not get married untill they live together for at least a year to make sure things will work out    mike
 
January 10, 2006, 1:46 pm CST

i was in the same boat

 I was in the same boat i was 18 senior in high school she was 20 and pergant  so i did the right thing and married her just beause it was the right thing to do we did all thepre marriare  stuff 9 years later she left me for onther man left me with 3 kids and she never sees the kids again  in my opion young people shoild not get married untill they live together for at least a year to make sure things will work out    mike
 
January 10, 2006, 1:57 pm CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: utahinbc

I totally agree!  It's refreshing to find someone who has the same thoughts I do 

  

I was married for 9 years and the questions never ceased about when I was going to have a baby.  Never mind that the finances were unstable, or my marriage was in trouble.  No one seemed to think that if I went through a divorce (which I did), that it would affect my child.  It is silly to think that a child will fix a marriage.  Or that one needs a child to be complete.  I think those people who bug me about having children before it's too late (i'm 33) are just jealous because I can afford to do things they can't.  Maybe people should do a little more thinking before they marry (I know I should have) AND have a child. 

  

And on the marriage thing, I was raised in a Mormon community, and there were a lot of shotgun weddings.  I see a lot of people my age unhappy and tied down with children because their church frowns on divorce. 

  

  

  

  I am in my early twenties, married, and have kids. Not everyone who marries young and has kids is unhappy. And I am certainly not jealous of those who don't have kids. I can still afford to do things and go places. I stay home with the kids and my husband works yet we can afford to take trips and buy whatever little extra's we wish. Sometimes this involves the kids and other times it doesn't. 

I would hate to ever think of my precious little angels as having me "tied down", I chose to have them and they make my life better. You are 33 yrs.old!!! Okay, I guess that's not really OLD but your not getting any younger either. What I don't understand is why wait until your forty to have kids. Okay let's see...... if you have a baby at 38, when the baby is 18 you will be 56. Almost 60. That is old. On the other hand my youngest will be 18 when I am 39. I wont even be 40 yet and I will be through raising babies. It seems to make more sense to have kids when your young. 

 
January 10, 2006, 2:01 pm CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: fl4012

  

  

  I am in my early twenties, married, and have kids. Not everyone who marries young and has kids is unhappy. And I am certainly not jealous of those who don't have kids. I can still afford to do things and go places. I stay home with the kids and my husband works yet we can afford to take trips and buy whatever little extra's we wish. Sometimes this involves the kids and other times it doesn't. 

I would hate to ever think of my precious little angels as having me "tied down", I chose to have them and they make my life better. You are 33 yrs.old!!! Okay, I guess that's not really OLD but your not getting any younger either. What I don't understand is why wait until your forty to have kids. Okay let's see...... if you have a baby at 38, when the baby is 18 you will be 56. Almost 60. That is old. On the other hand my youngest will be 18 when I am 39. I wont even be 40 yet and I will be through raising babies. It seems to make more sense to have kids when your young. 

amen to that :)
 
January 10, 2006, 2:06 pm CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: britza

I feel like I was pressured to get married at a young age (18).  We had no money and were only going to the courthouse to get married.  A few days before we had planned on going, I called him and told him I wanted to wait until we were older, I still wanted to go to college and just wasn't ready.  He begged me and cried asking me not to do this to him and I felt guilty so I did it anyway.  The first 10 years were good, then my feelings started changing toward him.  I started thinking of all the things I would have loved to do.  I don't have the education I always wanted and I'm not financially where I wanted to be at my age.  I feel a lot of resentment toward him.  We are now basically roommates.  I see him more as a friend than a spouse.  I can't even bring myself to say I love you or give him a kiss anymore. 
I also got married at a young age, 19, and my husband was 18.  We had no money, and were dirt poor for many years. But we worked together on everything, and raised our family and 28 years later, the kids are gone and we are happy empty nesters..If you want a college education, go get one. They don't lock the doors on colleges just because you are married.  Take online courses.  If you are not financially where you want to be, find a better job.  You can sit around and whine or you can choices and take actions to make yourself happy. Its up to you.
 
January 10, 2006, 2:08 pm CST

To the two moms that want to be related

 You call what you do teasing.  You say your kids know your only teasing.  Then you turn around and say yes we really want them to get married.

Teasing is something that happens once or twice over a day or two.  "Teasing" that continues for 10 years is harrasment and verbal abuse.

YOU have set your kids up to feel like failures for the rest of their lives.  What are their choices:
1. Marry each other even if they don't love each other and be misserable for the rest of their lives.
2. Disappoint their mom and feel like they will never get mom's approval or love.

You think I'm harsh?  Maybe I am but I grew up being teased about how ugly I was or how clumsy I was or stupid I was.  When I finally had enough as a teanager and blew up at my dad, mom finally tells me I was suppose to know that dad didn't know how to say I love you so he said you're ugly instead.  I was totally dumbfounded.  How is a 7 year suppose to know that you're ugly means I love you?  Teasing someone about the same thing over and over sends the wrong message. 

Stop it NOW.
 
January 10, 2006, 2:11 pm CST

what about the husband's feelings

I read about today thinking that these husbands are the ones that have been dealt a bum deal. why didn't dr. phil tell the husbands they deserve to be treated better?  it seems like though they may not be mr. money bags, they are both decent men that love their kids and want their wives to love them too. both of these women made the decision to marry people that they knew they were not compatible with AND bring children into it. did these women ever stop to think that maybe they are the ones that have beaten down their husbands? that maybe their husbands would strive to achieve more if their wives revered them in a more positive light? 

  

my mom married my dad knowing they weren't made for each other. they divorced after 18 years. I so wish that my mom had made a bigger effort to make the marriage work. my dad was not at all a bad person. he provided as much as he could and loved his kids. she treated him like he was yesterday's trash. nobody deserves to be treated that way.  

 
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