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Topic : 06/19 Pressured Into Marriage

Number of Replies: 234
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Created on : Friday, January 06, 2006, 01:42:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/10/06) Whether from personal guilt or family pressure, many couples rush to the altar – and regret it later. Heather and Jeff were virgins when they started dating. After their relationship started heating up and the two became intimate, Heather feared judgment from her minister father and ran down the aisle. Now their house is filled with resentment. Why is she disappointed with Jeff, and is there hope for their future? Next, Michelle said she had doubts about marrying Steve during her walk down the aisle. Now, nine years later, what is behind the overwhelming conflict in their marriage? Plus, meet two best friends who are plotting to make sure their kids get married. What do the teens think? Whether you're planning a black-tie affair or eloping to Sin City, don't miss what Dr. Phil says you need to know, consider and plan for when making a lifetime commitment. Join the discussion.

 

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January 10, 2006, 2:58 pm CST

It makes sense to have kids when you are ready

Quote From: fl4012

  

  

  I am in my early twenties, married, and have kids. Not everyone who marries young and has kids is unhappy. And I am certainly not jealous of those who don't have kids. I can still afford to do things and go places. I stay home with the kids and my husband works yet we can afford to take trips and buy whatever little extra's we wish. Sometimes this involves the kids and other times it doesn't. 

I would hate to ever think of my precious little angels as having me "tied down", I chose to have them and they make my life better. You are 33 yrs.old!!! Okay, I guess that's not really OLD but your not getting any younger either. What I don't understand is why wait until your forty to have kids. Okay let's see...... if you have a baby at 38, when the baby is 18 you will be 56. Almost 60. That is old. On the other hand my youngest will be 18 when I am 39. I wont even be 40 yet and I will be through raising babies. It seems to make more sense to have kids when your young. 

There is no right or wrong age to have children. Your choice to get married and start a family young was the right choice for you. Many ppl who have children young in life face issues that older more "settled" ppl do not face. There is nothing wrong with starting a family in your 30's- it is much safer nowadays with good prenatal care. Many young pregnant woman are MORE at rist because they don't eat right, and don't have the right education about taking care of themselves. What I am saying is that there is a debate going on these boards with Young vs Old and it is silly. There isn't one right or wrong way. It's about idividual situations.  Stop the Old and Young bashing!!!!
 
January 10, 2006, 2:59 pm CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: fl4012

  

  

  I am in my early twenties, married, and have kids. Not everyone who marries young and has kids is unhappy. And I am certainly not jealous of those who don't have kids. I can still afford to do things and go places. I stay home with the kids and my husband works yet we can afford to take trips and buy whatever little extra's we wish. Sometimes this involves the kids and other times it doesn't. 

I would hate to ever think of my precious little angels as having me "tied down", I chose to have them and they make my life better. You are 33 yrs.old!!! Okay, I guess that's not really OLD but your not getting any younger either. What I don't understand is why wait until your forty to have kids. Okay let's see...... if you have a baby at 38, when the baby is 18 you will be 56. Almost 60. That is old. On the other hand my youngest will be 18 when I am 39. I wont even be 40 yet and I will be through raising babies. It seems to make more sense to have kids when your young. 

LOL, I'm old :)  My sister just had her first child at 31 after 7 years of trying and miscarriages.  Some people just don't have the ability to have children when they're young.  There are advantages to both.  My parents were older, and they didn't do a lot of physical activities with us, but they taught us good values and the value of an education.  Parents are the best, no matter what the age.
 
January 10, 2006, 3:02 pm CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: jettav

You are not too young to have children, I was 37 and 39 when I had my children and all is well, all of us are happy, healthy and have a lot going for us, I have been married to the same man for almost 13 years, stastically, the younger people get married, the most likely they will divorce. now, no one needs to get offended here as there are always exceptions and I am one to do my own thing regardless of statistics but I can say that out of 8 of my good friends that were married by the time they were 21, only 1 of them are still married to her first husband and then there is me who waited much longer and still happily married.....I believe people need to marry for love, children will not fix a marriage and keep two married, it can add more stress and problems which is what happened in all these broken marriages of my friends. I am also a stay at home mom and very active with my children and thinking about home schooling. my age has absolutely nothing to do with how well I can raise my children..............I agree with what you are saying here, I used to get "when are you going to get married?" (I was 29 when I did marry), I just responded, when God sends me the man that I am suppose to have and I know that I can be happy living with one) and then of course the same thing about having children. my response? (when the right time comes for hubby and I to committ and when the good Lord sees fit to bless us with a child) I was a very happy and content person, even before marriage and kids and I personally have no regrets with how things have worked out for me. And also, the questioning never ends,when I was pregnant with my first, people asked me, if we were going to have another one? my response,"let me have this one first!! LOL, then recentlly some one asked when we are going to have number three LOLLLLLLL,....... so to every one, I say live life as God had planned it for you and be happy and content and don't rush into anything that you are not ready to committ to regardles of what society says..............

Congrats on your children!  My sister just had her first at 31 after years of trying.  I think she finally relaxed and was able to get pregnant after all of the stress of fertility doctors, etc.  I hope she has another one, but that is up to her and I'm just glad for my healthy nephew.  I never had the maternal instinct, but it sure is fun to be an auntie. 

I always say I'll never get married again (or have kids), but you never know... 

 
January 10, 2006, 3:07 pm CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

       I had my son when i was 22 years old. I first wanted to get married right away. My boyfriend and i made a choice to wait, because we wanted to know when we married we would know it was all about us wanting to spend our live together. Not just because i was the right thing to do. A year and a half latter we got engaged and six months after that we are planing are wedding. And know i have no doubts. We are both really exited. Were are building our first new house and are also in the process of starting our first business... 

 
January 10, 2006, 3:09 pm CST

I couldn't agree more

Quote From: mistyc

You are absolutely correct babies are not an accesory and they certainly aren't cute and sweet smelling all the time.  I got the "talk" for years from well meaning friends and family.  But I waited until I was ready and that didn't happen until I was 35. I am due any day now!!!! 

I have so much more to offer my baby now and I am old enough not to resent her for "holding me back".  I will never have to wonder about the road not traveled, because I traveled them all, I partied and had a great time.  But I was finally ready to settle down, get married and have children. 

Don't have a baby one second before you are ready. 

I have had a baby really young life, and now had one later when I am 33 and settled. It is SO much better now that I am older. I have so much more patience! I don't worry about paying the light bill and the rent. I can enjoy my children. It is SO important to have fun when you are in your teens and twenties- I really struggled with that part of having a baby at age 19. My experience is individual and there were certain factors that had nothing to do with my age, but it had alot to do with it. There are many young moms on these boards feeling very defensive, but they need to realize that MANY- no all of course- young parents face certain issues. The bottom line- THERE IS NO NEED TO RUSH INTO HAVING BABIES!!!   Karen 

 
January 10, 2006, 3:13 pm CST

Guilty?

I think that this was a very good show.  For those people who do not know for sure if they want to get married it is time to get real.  Really think about it, because it is the rest of your life.  Now, for the first guests, they were definatly not ready to get married, she even said so.  The only reason she got married is because she felt guilty for having sex.  Why?  Sex is natural and people are going to do it before they get married.  Now, I'm not saying everyone does, but most do.  I think her father did bagder her into marriage.  If it were me, I would not want my daughter to get married just because she had sex.  I know she wouldn't be happy if she got married only because of guilt.  Now, for the other topics, who cares how old you are when you have kids?  I think the most important thing is that you are healthy and you can give them the life they deserve.  I am young.  I married when I was 18 had my first when I was 19 and my second when I was 21 and we are doing very well.  We didn't get married just because we had sex.  We actually lived together before we got married and I think that gave us an insight on how our lives with each other would be.  And if my children wanted to live with there fiances before they get married then that is their decision.  No pressure of marriage here.
 
January 10, 2006, 3:23 pm CST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: abbydabby

first of all, to imply i cannot pay for food, shelter, and activities is from left field.  i said we have been through financial struggles....the same as you and everyone else faces as they get older and learn life's lessons. 

   

  

you are 35 and just started your family?  Do you kow there is a reason why you have increased risks at the age of 35 and being pregnant?  because that is OLD to have your first child!  when i am your age, I will have teenagers and still be young enough to keep up w/ them. 

  

I had my first child at the age of 20, not fresh out of high school.  So i guess at 35 you are more prepared for motherhood than i was?  I guess all your traveling has made you just so worldly that now you are ready.   

  

I am 26 and my children are all under the age of 7.  I am a young mom and i have the energy to keep up w/ them.    they have taught me much more important lessons in life than college or any frivolous traveling could ever teach me.  When they are all in school ,  i can make a mature, MUCH more knowledgable decision as to what i want to do w/ my career because i have discovered so much about myself. 

  

If you think your daughter has the best of both worlds and my children don't, you are not only full of yourself, but WRONG.  My children are always w/ me and my husband.  I am in the same town i grew up in, in a nice safe house, my family right around the corner.  Sure we have struggled w/ money when we just started out, but all that stuff only made us stronger and smarter.  My husband works on his own now, we have nice vehicles, a nice house, and all the extras we could never afford.  Does that make my kidsany happier than the day i had them and didn't have as much money?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  

  

According to you i was fresh out of high school, knocked up, and on welfare living in apartment after apartment just surviving on bread and butter HA! your ignorance disgusts me!  In ten years when my kids are teenagers and i have time to devote a career i enjoy without depriving my childchild of a stay at home mom for their first years,  we'll see who made the better decision.     

  

Oh, one more thing....my husband is 7 years older than me, he "already gone to college and traveled and experienced life".......yup, college made him so much more worldly than me, all the drinking, partying, and sex.....yup, I sure missed out on the good stuff! 

  

Sorry honey, you didn't sell me a thing!  Nice try though:) 

FIRST.... 35 is NOT to "OLD" as you say to have your first child.  I do agree that at 35 women are more prepared to have children, not to say that makes them better parent However, you cant say different cause you arent 35. I bet you can say that you arent the same person you were when you were 18.. why .. well we grow up & learn. 

 

To act like you have more energy for your kids, Please 35 is 35 not 70.. There are people like Madonna who would run rings around most 26 year old. I think you are sooooo missing the point.  

 

People need to stop taking things so personally, Hey it was great for me to have kids young or it was better for me to wait. Whatever, people all have there opions there is no reason to go to the name calling,  I think you have some serious hostility you need to look at cause we all can certainly read it... 

 

Please dont say "Honey" to me.. You can just refer to me as "OLD' since I am 35.  I would love to see your view when you are our age. I am sure though you cant see it now... it will mesh more with ours..... 

 

35... and not old at all. 

 

 
January 10, 2006, 3:29 pm CST

Pressure Hurts Everyone

I could really relate to today's show.  My family was like this when I was growing up.  My parents had to get married because my mom was pregnant.  My parents were never meant to be together and eventually divorced after 20+ years of marriage.  They stayed together "for the kids."  I spent most of my childhood with a front row seat to fights, arguments, and even physical violence.  Did it damage me?  Absolutely.  Have I forgotten it?  No way!  However, at 45, I've forgiven my parents and have moved forward with my life.  I absolutely agree that the children learn by what they see.  I went straight from my parents home into a marriage just like theirs.  While I didn't HAVE to get married because I was pregnant, I did have premaritial sex with my boyfriend so I felt like I had to.  After 12 years of marriage, I divorced and my children did suffer.  The good news is I've been divorced for 12+ years and life is so much better now.  However, I learned the hard way that I had to make me whole and be an advocate for my children.  I know I don't and didn't do everything right, but I know that who I am today is stronger, more capable, and healing.  If I do nothing else for my children, I hope that I can teach them that they have to be OK in who they are before they can ever be happy within a "couple."  It's unfortunate that we don't have to obtain a license to have a child or that there are training courses we are required to go through before we get married.  If we make it harder to get married, maybe there would be less divorce. 
 
January 10, 2006, 3:36 pm CST

jeannie

Quote From: jeanniej70

FIRST.... 35 is NOT to "OLD" as you say to have your first child.  I do agree that at 35 women are more prepared to have children, not to say that makes them better parent However, you cant say different cause you arent 35. I bet you can say that you arent the same person you were when you were 18.. why .. well we grow up & learn. 

 

To act like you have more energy for your kids, Please 35 is 35 not 70.. There are people like Madonna who would run rings around most 26 year old. I think you are sooooo missing the point.  

 

People need to stop taking things so personally, Hey it was great for me to have kids young or it was better for me to wait. Whatever, people all have there opions there is no reason to go to the name calling,  I think you have some serious hostility you need to look at cause we all can certainly read it... 

 

Please dont say "Honey" to me.. You can just refer to me as "OLD' since I am 35.  I would love to see your view when you are our age. I am sure though you cant see it now... it will mesh more with ours..... 

 

35... and not old at all. 

 

Hi, Jeannie.  I was going to respond to that posting, but it seems that you just stated alot of what I had been thinking.  While I did have kids in my twenties, I have seen many happy, energetic people who had their children in their thirties. People need to do what is best in their individual circumstances. 

I too found that poster's words to be very belligerent. There are nice ways of getting ones point across without name-calling and sarcasm. By the way I am past 35 so that must make me postiviely ancient!!! (LOL!!!!) 

 I also wanted to ask, are you the same Jeannie that was one the show recently? 

 
January 10, 2006, 3:39 pm CST

Cease and Desist

I am not saying that having  a child when one is older or younger is better. I don't know. Everyone is different with different perspectives and different influences.  

However, I do not feel that the reason of marriage is to have a baby. It should be a product of the marriage, not the reason to be married.  I firmly believe that it is better for me to have a child when I am ready and when I want one, rather than having one because I feel I should.  

  

Isn't that one of the best ways to bring  a child into the world? To be as ready as you can be? Sure, there are nerves and unsuredness that come with being a first time mom. There's no instruction manual. But I don't want to have a child yet. I don't feel that I'm ready as a person, and I owe it to my unborn children to admit that and recognize it.  

  

There is going to be someone to represent every view possible about kids. There's probably women who never ever want to have kids.  One opinion is only better than the other to the person who is saying it. What works for one doesn't work for all. 

  

This is like politics and religion: a hotbutton issue with no real resolution 

  

  

 
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