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Topic : 06/19 Pressured Into Marriage

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Created on : Friday, January 06, 2006, 01:42:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/10/06) Whether from personal guilt or family pressure, many couples rush to the altar – and regret it later. Heather and Jeff were virgins when they started dating. After their relationship started heating up and the two became intimate, Heather feared judgment from her minister father and ran down the aisle. Now their house is filled with resentment. Why is she disappointed with Jeff, and is there hope for their future? Next, Michelle said she had doubts about marrying Steve during her walk down the aisle. Now, nine years later, what is behind the overwhelming conflict in their marriage? Plus, meet two best friends who are plotting to make sure their kids get married. What do the teens think? Whether you're planning a black-tie affair or eloping to Sin City, don't miss what Dr. Phil says you need to know, consider and plan for when making a lifetime commitment. Join the discussion.

 

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January 10, 2006, 6:24 pm PST

Rushed into Marriage

 Todays show was like looking in a mirror at mine own life. I am 19 and have been married for two years. I was the one that wanted marriage more then he did at the time. We were living together and having sex, being a Christian and I knew that it was against my faith. We meet in august and married December. At the start of our relationship he made me feel amazing. Always touching me holding me we would stay up to all hours of the night talking. I didn't want that to end. However life took over. And the puppy love grew into two real people that had to learn to live together. We are nothing alike. I'm a Christian he's not! I want to go to collage he doesn't. We have nothing in common.  We are as different as night and day. We have a seventeen month old and another one due any day. We want to give them everything, including the chance to see a wonderful marriage however I have so much anger I am not sure we can.  I feel like my husbands holds me back from all my dreams. Since I have become a wife and mother there is no me! I can't drive I want to and I am ready to learn but our car is a piece of junk and my husband doesn't feel it's safe. We live on his paycheck we can't get approved for another car. I can't work I have no way of getting to a job even if I had one. I can't go to school  we don't have the extra money. I hate my life. I resent my husband. When I thought of marriage I thought we would build our life together. He's building and I'm the live in made and babysitter. I feel like leaving is the only way I can become a person. I Love him and I know that I could never love another man the way I love him, but loving him means nothing for me.
 
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January 10, 2006, 6:34 pm PST

American made and Proud!

Quote From: jettav

well, here in America, marriage is about two people and I as a wife who loves and respects her husband expects the same thing from him as well, I would never ever think about committing adultery for he is the only one I desire and believe it or not, he feels the same and we are happily married going on 13 years and still in love. people who committ adultery are selfish and have issues within themselves, maybe they have a bad relationship with their spouse but adultery is just plain wrong and even though I believe divorce is a cop out, the least these people can do is get out of the marriage before committing the sin called adultery.... Marriage is about two people committing to each other and for one to feel they have the right to break those vows, well, they are wrong and they are only fooling themselves if they believe this is ok. I and my husband are followers of God and as we read His word, we do the best that we can to follow it regardless of what society says is politically correct. I live in America and I expect to be treated with love, respect, dignity and honored by my husbnad and thank God I have that. Any one who feels that they can go out and cheat on their spouse and not feel guilty has no conscience. So, How do you feel about women who cheat on their husbands? I suppose men are so superior that they are the only ones who shouldn't feel guilty and that women are just a piece of property? Get over it, I am my husband's wife and to me I expect faithfulness just as I am faithful to Him. And any one with the love and desire to serve the Lord and to obey HIS commands can keep himself/herself to their spouse only, it is possible and actually very fullfilling, that's if the two of you are really in the marriage to please one another and not give one another reasons to go outside of the marriage. We were created to love and respect one another, exactly why we have marriage, a committment between TWO people, not any one who wants to intrude.
Not all of us are pressured into marriage,we are IN LOVE,AND HAPPILY MARRIED!Our America is a strong,wise,and powerful country "not because we are prone to giveing into animal instincts!" as some other counteries,or cultures are prone to! We are a country who is proud to have "Successful marriages"threw out our history,as well as today.We are a country whom "can hang onto marriage because we know for us it is a beautiful committment! where two people whom are "PROUD of the love they have born,really look forward to marrying, whom want to marry to keep the line of this love ongoing,and strong, and proud of the legacy "they will leave behind" two peoples whom will happily take those sacred vows of marriage,and honor it proudley! Peoples in our Americas are not! prone to divorce! or immoral deeds! either! As other cultures,and counteries are prone to.There are peoples who just should NOT MARRY,There are alot of peoples who should not take these sacred vows either. Here is a example of others whom should NOT partake in marriage either. There are a lot of certainTelevision,radio,the internet,and gossip magazines to whom "thrive on bad press,made up stories about failing marriage to who should not marry,who creat a host of media lies,and hype,and fake or make up stories about marriage and the divorce rates.These types are the ones whom creat areas for our innocent peoples "young and old" to fall away from there marriages; all so they "can put a colum in the local papers,on a radio show or a internet site or a television show about these lies they have made up! as well as the made up statics! Even though some peoples fall behind these lies,because of these bad stories fed to them threw some type bad media stories.We are still a country proud of its marriage history,of its love history and of all our moral values to.  "You are right my friend LOVE IS ALIVE and Marriage does still stick,in 2006,and forever. Marriage is alive an well in America! Today and always, and for those peoples who want to come over here and make things up,create false stories,write lies about her,or about our country, and try to stop or change our 5000 year old moral values and beliefs system we do have! "I say to you "go back to your country! leave ours ALONE!" If your unhappy here "GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY! where you can be happy with all your beliefs! with your cultures.You will never change or BEAUTIFUL HISTORY OF LOVE AN MARRIAGES here! Besides we have "enough of our own gossipers,and trouble makers here. We just don't need this type of "immoral,animal instincts,an disloyalties around us that you speak of here either! Americans are the greatest the strongest for haveing long lasting marriages of all the places in the world,and we are happy and proud to say so,Thanks for your support,and here is mine,for all you who are happily married stay that way, Remember to that your doing GREAT! in America.
 
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January 10, 2006, 6:35 pm PST

Ashamed?

Quote From: mvoisinet1

i tend to agree with heathers father.you are not to have sex before marriage.i think that  teens should abstain from sexual intercourse until they are properly married in the eyes of the church and in the eyes of god.heather should be ashamed of herself for what she has done.what heather and her husband did was commit fornication.fornication is having sexual intercourse before marriage.1cornithians 6:13 meats for the belly and the belly for meats.god shall destroy both it in them.now the body is not for fornication but for the lord and the lord for the body.heather had no business at all getting involved with this guy in the 1st place.
I don't think she needs to feel ashamed about anything.  If anyone should feel ashamed it should be her father for making her feel such a way.  Now, because she felt guilty she has been living a life of fighting with her husband and being unhappy.  Maybe she did make a mistake, but if she didn't get married she probably would be happier.  Sex is a natural part of being human.  It is not all her fault.
 
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January 10, 2006, 6:39 pm PST

Dr Phil Show.

Doctor Phil. I think love is all around us and that is why God choose men and women to get marry and have kids or children but sometime it could be wrong and wined up in jail or get into trouble-- 

all the time in United States Of America. So that is why that men and women do get marry and h-- 

ave kids of there own. Just like you and Robin have kids of  your own. Well see your tomorrow.---- 

Well I had better close now. Sincerley Your. Russell

 

 

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January 10, 2006, 6:46 pm PST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: abbydabby

Until you have children, I guess you will remain hostile about this subject.  There are different views on this subject.  You have the old fashion views and the liberal views....and the list goes on.     

  

I have to say, people who wait to they are "financially" ready for children usually live to regret it.  I have spoke to countless mothers in my town who wish they started their family when they were young.  When will you ever be financially ready?  you will never know.  you could have everything planned to a "t" and then a disaster cuold wipe you clean.  I think money is a stupid reason to wait to have children.  I am younger than you, been married for 7 years and have 4 children.  We have been through financial struggles, we have been through it all.  No one bailed us out of anything and it made us stronger in the end.  we are making it now.    When my children are all in school, i will be in college.  I think that is so much more practical than going to college, getting a degree, starting a career, then having children and (1) quitting  what i worked so hard for or (2) still focusing on my career,  which means i won't be around for my children during the most crucial times in their life. 

  

children thrive on love not money.    

  

don't be offended when people ask when you are having children, isn'tthat what people do, get married and start a family??    you have been w/ this guy for 8 years!! 

  

  

There are plenty of people that have waited to have children and have not regretted it at all.  These are the type of people that have thought thoroughly about what it will take to raise a child properly without too much of a financial burden on anyone.  Besides, who are you to dictate to anyone how they should live their lives?  Why not accept it as the fact that each individual and or couple will do what they see best.  Besides who said anything about quitting work while being pregnant.  Or did you not know that employers now have maternity leave?  You obviously have lived your life the way that you wanted to live it and are living your life the way that you wanted it and nobody here is criticizing you for it.  Just accept the fact that other people will live their lives to how they see fit...weather you agree with their practices or not.  I will be totally offended if I were asked when I am having children, especially coming from a stranger.  I find those types of questions nosy and very impersonal.  Besides what business is if of theirs what i plan to do with my reproductive organs anyway?  it will become their business when I decide to make it so.  Just because I have a working uterus doesn't mean that I have to use it.  Besides, I have made the decision not to have any children (now or ever).  And I don't really care how society views my decision.  I just wish that other people would respect my decision not to have children like I respect other’s decision to have children.  Perhaps then I may not be so withdrawn from society.  Just because someone else does something different from the way that you do it does not make it wrong.  It is just a difference…that’s all.  You need to let go of your anger when it comes to other people doing things different from the way that you do it.  People are going to be different for the rest of your life.  Apparently you may not have done your math properly.  Do you know how much it will cost to put one child through college?  And what if that child decides to go to medical school, what then?  Your children’s education will come before yours.  And unless your children have full scholarships and or both of you guys (you and your partner) are making close to 6 figures each…your own education will be postponed until their education has been taken care of first.  Don’t sit there and tell me that I don’t know what it takes to raise children.  Apparently I do…why else would I make the decision to not to have any children?  I am not saying that having children is a bad thing.  That is not what I am saying at all.  All I am saying is that having children is not for me.  Why can’t you accept that differences is what makes this place so unique?  If everyone did exactly as you did…this place would be pretty bland and boring. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

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January 10, 2006, 6:54 pm PST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: alteaon

It may sound trivial, but the one thing that I couldn't let go of is the two women who want thier children to marry eachother, " Think of the beautiful babies they'd make!",  What on earth would they do if thier children decided not to have children? I've been married for almost two years, been w/ my husband for 6 yrs before that, and now we're getting the baby talk. As if the sole mission of us getting married is to crank out babies right away. I am not against having children, and I do hope to have kids some day, but not now. There are many things I want to do, as well as being able to provide a good home. It's this whole attitude that I am a bad person, or that I'm not fulfilling my duty as a woman because I don't have kids yet.  

  

Don't people see how rude it is to ask complete strangers about this, "Time is running out!..tick tock, tick tock!" it's easy for people to want us to have kids when they will not be responsible for them. I work in the health care industry, and I've been at my job for about six years. Patients know I'm married, and they do not hesitate to state how they feel about kids and when I should have them. I'm not that old. I'm 27.  

  

Babies are not an accessory. There are many instances of teenage pregnancies where I live because girls want babies. They want them because they are cute, because they get attention from being a mother. That's not what it's about. You shouldn't think about if your baby matches your clothes. I would think that people would be happy that I am giving thought to how can I bring a child into the best life possible that my husband and I can provide, rather than popping one out like an assembly line.  

  

Ugghh..thank you for letting me vent. 

  

Good for you for not letting anyone else dictate to you how you are going to live your life.  As long as you are ‘going against the grain’ of what family, friends, society expects…you will always be criticized.  I also find those types of questions very offensive and personal.  Especially coming from strangers and people that I hardly know.  God for you for knowing what you want out of YOUR life and not letting other people’s pressures and expectations tell you what to do with your life.  I say go ahead and live your life according to how you want to live it.  Stick with your guns girl.  I am really quick to tell others that it’s none of their business.  If they find my response to their nosy question offensive, then perhaps they should have though twice before asking such a nosy question to begin with. 

  

 

 

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January 10, 2006, 6:56 pm PST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: buffi2004

WHAT AGE IS TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED?  

It depends on what YOU think and feel what age is too young to get married.  Besides you are the only person living your life.  You provide the rules, you draw the barriers and draw the lines in regards to your life. 
 

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January 10, 2006, 7:02 pm PST

He'll change, in time

Quote From: arnold36

The show today really hit home for me. However, it was from a very different view.  

My then 19 year old son and 19 year old daughter-in-law married in September of 2004 for pretty much the same reason as Heather and Jeff. They are both very Godly people and wanted to do "things right". They didn't want to live together out of wedlock, and they didn't want to live apart. So, they rushed into marriage after knowing each other for about 4 months. My husband and I found ourselves totally lost as to what to do. What can a parent do with a 19 year old son that is dead  set on doing this. We tried to convince them to have a long engagement.. However, they didn't want to wait for that due to the fact they would not be able to be sexually active. 19 year old hormones and all.... 

Well, the first year was pretty good, they were both in college, working, living on their own, and loving life. Then reality set in. My son is very passive, kicked back, and does not like confrontation. My daughter-in-law is very assertive, likes a good argument, and is confrontational. So, as you can guess things changed.  

Now most couples would turn to their parents at a time like this and learn from their experiences. this is not the case... 

My son has decided that the reason for his "short comings" must stem from how he was raised and is blaming us for his inability to be what he feels his wife wants. So, he has written us out of his life, has written us very venomous letters and has refused to have anything to do with us.  

I am at my wits end as to how to handle this. What makes this so much harder to deal with is the fact that we lost our 21 year old son in a drowning accident 4 years ago. I have already lost one son and this is tearing me apart. i just don't know what to do... 

Any advice out there???? 

,  

The brain of the human male doesn't mature fully until age 24 or so. He'll eventually come around, in all liklihood. In the meantime, take the high road (be good to his wife, etc.) and hope for the best.
 
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January 10, 2006, 7:07 pm PST

To Jeff

I just want to say to Jeff, from the Loveless Marriage segment, that I really think that you've got what it takes, man, to really become the Hero that Dr. Phil says you need to be! I hung on everything you said, and I really believe that you have the heart, and the passion to make you marriage work. You came across as a great guy, firmly committed, and Ready!
This may not ever get to you, but I hope it does because I would sincerely like to visit with you via email, if that's allowed... I would love to hear from you!  

  

rob 

 
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January 10, 2006, 7:12 pm PST

01/10 Pressured Into Marriage

Quote From: mistyc

My own parents married at a ridiculous young age becasue they were in loooooooove.  Well guess what when they grew up and realized they had made a huge mistake they had three children and didn't think divorce was an option. 

I grew up in a house where my parents fought everyday.  This gives little children a very skewed sense of what marriage should be like.  My brother has been divorced twice and my sister is in her second marriage.  I finally married at 33 but for years and years I had an inherent distrust of men in general and made horrible life choices. 

I do not feel any sympathy for either couple, I do feel sorry for the innocent children that live in the hell their parents created.  Pregnancy is very easy to prevent, so why would anyone bring a child into an already unstable situation?  I'm sure these people love their children but in this instance "Love doesn't feed the bulldog". 

Dr. Phil often says it is better to come form a broken home than to live in one.  I can strongly testify to the truthfulness of this statement. 

 

Hi, Misty! Here's my favorite part of your comment:  

  

Pregnancy is very easy to prevent, so why would anyone bring a child into an already unstable situation?  I'm sure these people love their children but in this instance "Love doesn't feed the bulldog".  

  

This is SO TRUE. I have yet to understand why people have these awful marriages and think a baby will solve the problems. From what I can gather, having a child when you have a GREAT marriage can be difficult and stressful. Why would having one when you're marriage is a mess improve it?  

  

My humble conclusion is that people just don't think. They think for the moment and not the duration of that poor child's life, a child who will probably bear the brunt of his unhappy parents' fighting. They can only think of themselves, which is the tragedy of it all. 

  

 
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