Topic : 03/22 Living on the Edge

I hear what you are saying but I also hear you making excuses for him. Look I don't want you to feel that I am talking down at you but you nor I could change someone. You realize that now and I say well for you. I was many years ago in an abusive relationship so I GET IT. What I try to have woman or man see is that you can be happy by yourself. Situation like that make a person feel old, tried and their self esteem would be questioned. He (your husband) needs to work things out for himself. I see it too often on the news that their lives are trouble and they take it out on the children and or the woman. Weather or not he is a good person no one deserves to be treated like that. It should be all about you and YOUR HAPPINESS.... 

You live and learn.. 

In 2000, , I had a poor man`s Corvette.  Fiero.., (Engine in back) A Van ran a stop Light,  My skid marks were only 8 inches long. Going About forty MPH.  Totaled My car. 

Hit my Head,Have a large bump on head. and fractured, My left wrist. 

Called Ask a Nurse, that night, I asked her for a date, She said I was in Shock, I said No I wasn`t.  LOL 

That night, I almost vomited.  My Hearing, sight, Senses are more sensiitve, Now. 

I had wip lash too. 

I was in a daze, for about a week. 

I left a pot on the stove, And almost started a fire,  smoke alarm went off, couldn`t wake up. 

Kids were playing outside,  Banged On my door, and woke me up. 

I sent 30.00 To office, to buy kids,  Rice crispies treats, wrote left handed, and did not put return address, on it the letter with the money to the office. 

The Moral of the story,  Wake up,Live when you can and best way you know how. 

TC  John 

APOLOGIES FOR THE FIRST POST>>>>>Curse WORDS REMOVEDI 

'm in recovery and had a experience I feel compelled to tell, shout out to the world.  I'm new on the boards, so please be patient with me.   I wrote this to my online SOS womens group on Yahoo.  This not only goes out to the women there but to women everywhere. 

Had something powerful/sad happen at work last night.  Actually,
the word I want to use are pitiful.  Can't think of anything else.

  A woman came into the childrens department where I work.  She had
a 2 year old and a 5 year old with her.  I didn't notice anything at
first.  A co-worker in a neighboring department came over and said
the woman reeked of alcohol when she was in her department and
wanted to know if I could smell it. 

   WOW she was almost oozing alcohol from her pours.  I've been
sensitive to the smell but this would smack anyone in the face.

The 2 year old had a diaper on that obviously had not been changed
in quite sometime, rings of wetness around the legs etc and the odor.

   It was extremely factual and apparent that this woman had not
gotten drunk in the store and she had driven their with her children
in the car. 

   I went over and asked her if I could help her find anything, her
eyes were glazed, huge dark circles under her eyes, inside out t-
shirt, just a wreck. 

   I went into my storage room and called the manager and told him
to call the police which he did after observing her for a bit.  She
stumbled a few times and GRRRRRR, the managers concern was her
falling, injuring herself and sueing rather than the welfare of her
children, inoccent drivers and herself.

   I went back out and engaged her in small talk trying to keep her
their until the police came.  At the very least a drunk in public
arrest would keep her off the streets.  In a few moments she began
to tear up and said to me..."Your watching me aren't you.  I should
have stayed at home stupid stupid me. I'll just leave I need to go
home."

  I asked her if she needed help, If I could change the babies
diaper for her.  With that she sank to the floor in full blown
defeat and really began to cry.  A fellow co-worker came over and
told her she was going to take the children and clean them up, they
were crying because mommy was crying and the older one kept pulling
her hand saying get up, get up, get up mommy.

Once the children were out of the way, I helped her to the changing
room to sit and brought her some tissue.
I sat with her.
She poured out what I can really call a drunkalog of misery.  I
listened. Then I noticed my hand on hee hers.  She looked me dead in
the eye and said "there going to take my babies, they should, I'm a
terrible mother there better away from me"

  I told her the police were on their way, that we were all worried
about her and the children, asked her if I could call a family
member for her to get the children.  No, there was no one. 

  We then just sat their, silent.  I heard the manager being called
to the front.  They are here.  I looked at her and said, fully
knowing she probably would not remember, or hopefuly a tiny portion
of her brain would capture it, but I said It didn't have to be this
way  anymore.  There is hope and help. That she wasn't a bad mother,
that she had just lost her way and her children love her and we just
wanted them all safe.  She broke down again and leaned into me, half
a drunk stupor and half needing a human touch, comfort from a
stranger careing about her.  I held her and she sobbed and sobbed.

This seemed to take forever, but actually it spanned from beginning
to end maybe 30 minutes.
The police woman came into the changing room and really gently
questioned her, did a sobriety check which she failed miserbly, and
then explained she was going to jail etc.  The woman just visably
shut down.  Blank stare, robotic etc.  The police woman escorted her
away, the woman looked back at me once and silent tears were running
down her face......the children soon followed and it was back to
work for me.

It didn't really hit me until I began driving home and just burst
out in tears.  When she was walking away and looked at me, she
mouthed Thank you.

Ladies, I almost can't find the words.  Flooding memories, anger,
feeling some guilt knowing she and her children will be throw into a
system that is damn near impossible to escape from, mandated AA,
foster care.....you know what I mean. 

I felt with gut wrenching power, I mean stomach tied in a huge,
almost painful knot, relief.  I woke up this am and can't get the
incident out of my mind.  I know I'm not guilty for helping turn her
in, I know there was NOTHING else to do, I know , really, I know.
But, when I looked at her, replayed the whole thing, I'm telling you
honestly, I could see my face as hers. 

I am sitting out in our sun room.  It's gray, cold and rainy.
Such a intimate incounter with myself last night. My thoughts turn
to her this morning.  Probably not remembering going to the store,
or getting arrested, head pounding, mouth tasting like the inerds of
a garbage can, soaked in sweat, shaking, vomiting, confused,
terrified.

This a.m. I feel pity and a bit of guilt for judging her.  I think I
want to feel empathy, understanding. I want to justify all she was
doing and going through.  I want to blink and the memory to vanish.
I feel like maybe I should have helped her escape, avoid everything,
keep her secret.  I just couldn't.  I can't.
I hear echo's in my head, reciting over that was you, that was you.

I began writing very early this morning.  Writing everything, not
glossing over a moment that I can remember.  I wrote of my first
drink at 4 months old, I have the picture.  I wrote in detail every
ugly second of my mad dance with a dark demon. I wrote of my
withdrawl, my brush with death.
44 pages.  44 pages in 4 hours.

There it is. In black and white, on paper, my past, solid,
tangible.  The paper feels heavy as does my heart.

But....I feel relief.  That was me. WAS me.  And could be again. I
am angry at her I'm angry at my other half.  But you know, it's a
good anger I think.  It's a anger that tells me I did the right
thing, a anger that tells me no one was safe with her in that
condition, a anger that tells me her children don't deserve that.

A anger that tells me there is no justification in the world, no
rhyme or reason, no force of nature, no fiber in my being that wants
to put my hand on a bottle.  None.  I feel a odd sense of well,
normality? maybe.  Like I'm the normal average person, but yet I
have to remind myself.

Maybe I rescued her and her children, maybe in a perfect world she
will come to feel and do what I have done so far.  In a perfect
world.

How shivering it is that in a few days it will be 7 months for me. 
Perhaps it is fate, powers of the universe, subconscious being that
sent her to me to remind me.......I am not normal.  That there are
seeds of her in me that would only need a drop of alcohol to begin
growing a tangled mess of black within myself.
  I needed to express how this all feels to others who are her as
well.

Maybe this post will strike a cord, a light bulb in the dark
thoughts of another her.  Maybe, one of our members will read this
and hit the wall of no more.  And maybe it will spark terrible
feeling of guilt for someone's past.  I don't mean to cause anyone
pain.  But, because I have her in me, we have her in us, to candy
coat diminish to reality in soft warm fuzzies would be almost as bad
as me handing any of you a full glass. 

My dear friends, I am not a expert at this and I can't "save"
anyone.  I only know my experiences, my history, my today and
yesterday. 
My yesterday would have said You (blank) Debbie, scaring the others.
No candy, no spoonful of sugar. No tiptoeing over the absolute
terrible reality of my addiction.  My clear thinking is that this
reality is scary and my words may not come out as I would like them
to, but with my words I am reaching through and taking the Her in
others and shaking them screaming LOOK, LOOK, SEE WHAT YOUR AFRAID
OF, SEE THE HER IN YOU (blank) MAKE A CHOICE (sorry)

A little harsh, but I'm leaving it.

This will stay with me for awhile.  I won't let it fade away, neatly
tucked into the safety room in my brain that holds the
uncomfortable, the terrifying.........the truth.

I would never wish harm or pain on any of you even those I don't
see. But I feel as if I don't say it, don't write it, don't scream
it that I AM hurting others, protecting others from the pain of
looking in the mirror.  I can't do it.  I owe this group that.

Look in the mirror today.  I know I will and probably for a very
long time.

 

Lisa is fortunate to have Dr. Phil to help her.  My Mother passed away just before her 40th birthday.  The alcohol took over her entire life causing her death. She would not admit that she had a problem and would not seek help.  Of course, there wasn't the treatment centers like there is now.  I remember, as a child before being placed in foster care, witnessing her with several men.  I know this had an impact on my adulthood.  But I believe that a person has two choices-wallow in the past and make excuses or rise above it and make something of yourself.  I feel I have done the later.  I became an elementary teacher, raised my own children, then became a foster parent.  (One burned our house to the ground, but that is another subject).  Lisa has nowhere to go but forward if she so chooses.  I pray that she will work hard and rise above her past.  It is up to her. 

I am so pleased with your response.  I hope that you have kept the momentum!  Please e-mail me anytime...wenash@aol.com 

Wendy 

When your life becomes unmanagable.  If you drink to cover up feelings.  To cover up the shakes .  When you feel like you just have to take the edge off.  No one can ever call you an alcholic that has to come from you after a long soul search.  They say try going to AA and STP DRINKING AND attending FREE meetings and listen to other peoples storys.  Go to 90 meetings in 90 days and at the end of that sit back and YOU decide if you have a problem with booze or not. 

If anyone trys to say you do tell them where to go and how to get there. 

Woman need to stick with woman and men stick with men. 

They at the meetings also say get a temp sposnor.  someone who has been there awhile.  

I wish you well in your journey on discovering you its a most facinating one you know!~