Topic : 07/04 Old Flames

Quote From: ajfan40

I have been with my husband for 16 years. When we had been togeather for about 6 months I found out that he was still having his ex-girlfriend cut his hair. That came to an end eventually.

Or, so I thought one day about a year ago I picked up his cell phone that he had left in the car because it was ringing and I noticed that he had text messages. I read all his messages and every single text message was from his ex telling her telephone number, where she works and so on. He told me I was a screwed up nutball and that I had mental issues. If I ever say anyting about her he defends her and today I called her a slut. He said again that I was a fucked up nutball and that he was going to tell her that I called her a slut and let her kick my ass. I am really ready to leave him and move on. Please help me.

Sincerely,

Julie Adams

Quote From: dixiebrit

Old flames are great if you are both single and free, but when others (spouses, children) are involved, perhaps they should fade into the background gracefully.  Sure, we all have a history, myself included.  I had a wonderful boyfriend years ago.  We were very close and came close to being more than just dates occassionally.  However, once he married another woman, I stayed out of his life.  Even though he was miserable (and several mutual friends informed me of this), I stayed out of it.  It was not my place to mess with his marriage.  Now that he is divorced, he has contacted me, but I am no longer free.  I have been friendly, but not taken it back to what it was, simply because I have a greater interest in being honest with my husband.  He is the man I made my vows with and who has the right to expect my fidelity.  I will always give him this.

Another problem I have is that my husband has a "flame" in his past that never really got started.  It never ceases to amaze me to know that my husband is crazy about this woman, now married with two children, who has never really given him the fulfillment that he thinks she has.  She is the most coniving and self-serving person I have ever met, and pretty much kept him on the string, both before and after our marriage, as a her "boyfriend in a jar" for whenever she was bored or wanted someone to do something for her.  She buddied up to my mother-in-law in order to secure a bequest in the will.  She is totally faithful to her husband as far as the actual sex act is concerned, but has few female friends because she always cozies up to their hubbies in order to get loads of attention.  She is the type of woman most women hate -- rubbing her body up and down to get attention and asking every male in the room if she looks too fat having recently given birth, etc., flirting blatantly and then dissing the wives whenever she gets a chance. 

Thankfully, we have now moved hundreds of miles away from this person and she has not nearly the access to my darling hubby she did.  However, I recently (by accident because he left it up on my computer) found out that  he had been corresponding with her by email.  I didn't want to know it. 

He seems to still think she is his ideal, although he loves me and our two children.  He talks about getting together with her when both their spouses die, something I find very upsetting.  Her replies to him have been friendly but not that interested, but she usually throws in something that keeps him looking for this love affair that was never there.  He told me once that they did try to make it something more than friends, but it didn't work out and she really wasn't interested in him.  He, on the other hand, carried a torch for her for years and kept seeing her after she married someone else because SHE instigated it -- her husband works odd hours and she was "bored".    I finally had to tell him that I didn't wish to see her or hear her name mentioned ever again, because of things she had done when I was out  of our home at church or other appointments.   I also felt that she was a major cause of dissension between us. 

I prefer to try and treat him with positive reinforcement.  He doesn't know that I know about this and I choose not to make it a fight and a big issue.  Still, I cannot deny that I am very hurt by the knowledge that he has kept in touch with her this past year since our move.  If she were a decent woman, she would realize that she owes her own husband a great deal more respect and that this correspondence must stop.  However, I cannot hope for decency on her part, so I figure I can only kill her memory with loving kindness.  He never had from her what he thinks he had, but he HAS had a very loving relationship with me and will continue to do so if I can help it. 

I would like some ideas on how to get this woman out of his life without contacting her (wouldn't do any good and she would probably tell him all about it) or letting on to him and perhaps having a big unnecessary fight.  Any pertinent suggestions would be helpful.  Thanks.