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Topic : 07/04 Old Flames

Number of Replies: 182
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Created on : Friday, January 06, 2006, 01:49:45 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/13/06) Staying in touch with your old flame isn't a problem -- unless it interferes with you and your spouse! Susan says her husband, Fred, has a lot of ex-girlfriends and still flirts with them. Fred says his wife is overreacting, and they are just old friends. Is it OK to grab a cup of coffee with an ex when your spouse isn't invited? And, Suzie kept breaking up with her boyfriend when things got too serious, and then taking him back. Tired of being rejected, he finally ended the relationship. Now, Suzie wants her old flame back! What does Dr. Phil think she should do? Plus, one man reunited with his long lost love after being apart for over 60 years! Don't miss this very special love story. Talk about the show here.

 

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January 12, 2006, 10:02 pm CST

This Happened to me.

The truth is that if you don't feel secure enough in yourself and your marriage to actively encourage any relationship your spouse may want to engage in you are in more trouble than just a possible fling with an ex. You really have to examine your reasoning because abridging your partners rights as a human being is not acceptable no matter how much it hurts you personally. My wife and I had just returned from our honeymoon when she found out that her old boyfriend that was in the navy was home and wanted to see her. She wanted me to come to the meeting for forms sake I guess, 

but as the date wore on I found myself realizing that I was only inhibiting a meeting between two old friends and I opted to leave them alone and went home. The lesson here is that nothing that could happen between them mattered to my relationship with her. Even if they took off for a week and bred like bunnies it would not hurt my relationship with her more than trying to tell her who she could and could not see on her own terms. When she got home she apologised for not being home sooner and I told her that unless she told me a specific time she would be somewhere beforehand, she was never on a clock. I didn't always follow that rule and I did end up divorced because I did start treating her like property but we are friends again and that rule is strictly adhered to. Remember,Your partners friends and how she deals with them is her business unless she asks your opinion. Then she is free to listen or disregard. If you don't agree you need to be alone. 

 
January 13, 2006, 5:27 am CST

Use your insting

    It's true that relationship with old flames ended up for some reasons. I am still friends with my ex boyfriend. But it took long time to build the bridge as 'just friends' with him. What I did was I tried to recognize what caused our relationship end. Was it just a mistake, hurry decission that after a while you just realized that was just a stupid overreacting decission, or because you knew exactly that it was the right decission? For me when relationship ends, doesn't mean I gain more enemies. LIfe is already hard as it is. I am married now, I have familly that I feel secure enough to be a loyal and trustworthy wife. And there is no doubt from my husband about that. There is no guarrantee that back to the old flames would make me happier than I am now, what if it came twice worse than the first time? My husband is still friends with his ex too, and I am fine with that. It comes with the feeling that I am ready if the spark between him and his ex came back again and he didn't fight to stay loyal in our relationship and if  he chose to be with her instead of his understanding wife, than it's his badluck. I don't think I wanna be with someone that chose someone else over me. Not that I don't want to fight over him because he's mine. But he is big enough to remind himself about his responsibility not to cheat on his wife. He knows exactly the risk and consequences of his choice. I am not going to let myself sleepless wonderring if my husband is cheating on me or not. I think doesn't matter with who, with old flames or new women, whether my husband is overseas or just sleeping right next to me, if he chose to cheat on me he would do it anyway. Now she's not only his friend but also my friend but my husband and I agreed never make our exes as our bestfriends. My husband was friends with another of his ex as well but for this one my feeling told me that she was trying to get the old times back. I told my husband and although he didn't see it the same way as I did, he chose not to continue his friendship with her without argue with me.I think the best think we can do is feel secure to ourselves, stay alert doesn't mean being paranoid. 

 
January 13, 2006, 6:29 am CST

wrong

Quote From: austindo

    It's true that relationship with old flames ended up for some reasons. I am still friends with my ex boyfriend. But it took long time to build the bridge as 'just friends' with him. What I did was I tried to recognize what caused our relationship end. Was it just a mistake, hurry decission that after a while you just realized that was just a stupid overreacting decission, or because you knew exactly that it was the right decission? For me when relationship ends, doesn't mean I gain more enemies. LIfe is already hard as it is. I am married now, I have familly that I feel secure enough to be a loyal and trustworthy wife. And there is no doubt from my husband about that. There is no guarrantee that back to the old flames would make me happier than I am now, what if it came twice worse than the first time? My husband is still friends with his ex too, and I am fine with that. It comes with the feeling that I am ready if the spark between him and his ex came back again and he didn't fight to stay loyal in our relationship and if  he chose to be with her instead of his understanding wife, than it's his badluck. I don't think I wanna be with someone that chose someone else over me. Not that I don't want to fight over him because he's mine. But he is big enough to remind himself about his responsibility not to cheat on his wife. He knows exactly the risk and consequences of his choice. I am not going to let myself sleepless wonderring if my husband is cheating on me or not. I think doesn't matter with who, with old flames or new women, whether my husband is overseas or just sleeping right next to me, if he chose to cheat on me he would do it anyway. Now she's not only his friend but also my friend but my husband and I agreed never make our exes as our bestfriends. My husband was friends with another of his ex as well but for this one my feeling told me that she was trying to get the old times back. I told my husband and although he didn't see it the same way as I did, he chose not to continue his friendship with her without argue with me.I think the best think we can do is feel secure to ourselves, stay alert doesn't mean being paranoid. 

i think it is wrong to rekindle old flame, if you truly and honestly love your spouse , there is no need.  i think its the same thing as cheating.  your loayalty belongs to the spouse your with.
 
January 13, 2006, 6:31 am CST

it is wrong

Quote From: miabellamt

My husband has some ex-girlfriends that I really like and I don't mind at all if they talk or "catch up."  But there are other women that I would be furious if he got together with them.... I can tell that they still care for him.
rekindling old flames is wrong.  they should move on with there lives and leave you two alone.
 
January 13, 2006, 6:35 am CST

proper daddy/ daughter behavior

can someone help me out here?     i beleive some of the behavior with my boyfreind and his daughter are nasty and innappropriate.   he sings sexually explicit songs to her  off of the radio, grabs her buttocks in a playful mood.  he also goes in the bathroom with her with the door closed for at least 1 1/2 hour.   she is 10 years old.  tellls her everything, even right down to my breast size and stuff.    buys her thing underwear and bras, and her chest has not developed yet.    at ten she sleeps in our oom and then when i refuse to have sex with him , he says i have a jelous problem.   well for crying out loud she is ten years old, not sick she can sleep in her own bedroom.  i never slept in my psaents bedroom after a certain age. 
 
January 13, 2006, 8:05 am CST

Some one needs to help this child!

Quote From: bachor

can someone help me out here?     i beleive some of the behavior with my boyfreind and his daughter are nasty and innappropriate.   he sings sexually explicit songs to her  off of the radio, grabs her buttocks in a playful mood.  he also goes in the bathroom with her with the door closed for at least 1 1/2 hour.   she is 10 years old.  tellls her everything, even right down to my breast size and stuff.    buys her thing underwear and bras, and her chest has not developed yet.    at ten she sleeps in our oom and then when i refuse to have sex with him , he says i have a jelous problem.   well for crying out loud she is ten years old, not sick she can sleep in her own bedroom.  i never slept in my psaents bedroom after a certain age. 
Are you kidding me?  Yes, they are nasty and inappropriate.   I think for that little girls sake you should report him?   She needs to be away from him.  You need to think of her, not him.  At 10 years old she doesn't know that this is inappropiate or she doesn't know how to stop thisand you need to help her.
 
January 13, 2006, 8:57 am CST

Old flames should become "associates" when their past mate moves on with another.....

  In my opinion, old flames should become "associates" if each has moved on with their own lives.  I think it's ok when you run into one to greet each other and if you are with you partner, introduce them to each other.  Keep the conversation "short and kind" notice, I didn't say "sweet. keeping in touch, exchanging phone numbers then acting on it crosses the line.  I know for a fact my new husband would not like it and neither would I.  When we got married, the flirting stopped because it's not right.  I am committed to my husband and he to me.  We have discussed this before we got marriage and agreed, it was out on line.  My husband has 2 children from a previous relationship (same woman).   He visits them from time to time (in another state) and they visit here.  I don't have a problem with it.   I did before we got married but not now.   Why?  Because he married me not her.  We trust each other and that's all that matters.  I get along with my stepchildren's mom and he gets along with my ex-husband.  No, the 4 of us are not one big happy family be we remain "associates" because of his children with his ex and my children with my ex-husband. 
 
January 13, 2006, 9:12 am CST

Please call the authorities

Quote From: bachor

can someone help me out here?     i beleive some of the behavior with my boyfreind and his daughter are nasty and innappropriate.   he sings sexually explicit songs to her  off of the radio, grabs her buttocks in a playful mood.  he also goes in the bathroom with her with the door closed for at least 1 1/2 hour.   she is 10 years old.  tellls her everything, even right down to my breast size and stuff.    buys her thing underwear and bras, and her chest has not developed yet.    at ten she sleeps in our oom and then when i refuse to have sex with him , he says i have a jelous problem.   well for crying out loud she is ten years old, not sick she can sleep in her own bedroom.  i never slept in my psaents bedroom after a certain age. 

My husband also has a little girl that is ten and he doesn't even go into the bathroom if she is in the tub, even though she isn't developed at all, when she is at our house he doesn't even walk around at night without his bathrobe on.   

Your boyfriend obviously views his daughter as a sexual object.  Please help stop him before he ruins her little life 

 
January 13, 2006, 9:19 am CST

Old Flames

I had an ex boyfirend that I kept in touch with  even after I met my husband.  When we were seeing each other he called me his girlfriend but I was really more of a "good friend" than a girlfriend.  He was widowed and still wasn't ready to move on, so it was never a deep emotional connection. 

I think rekindling a relationship with someone that you did you have a deep emotional relationship is just asking for trouble.   

 
January 13, 2006, 9:25 am CST

01/13 Old Flames

Should I be courious or even jealous? My husband and I have been together for almost 6yrs. We got together when I was a junior in HS. He was a sophmore,he dropped out. We're 23now. Well when we started dating I didn't know he had a girlfriend. Until she called me and sayed some things (long story) but to make it short he got into a 4wheeler wreck, she knew where all his bo bos were at. He denied it fora long time and finally came out that he was riding with her. Anyways obviously i stayed. I'm not a jealous person (to much) Well the whole time we were dating for about 1yr to 1 1/2 yrs he had been sleeping with her ( I had NO idea) I don't snoop and pry, because I don't cheat so why would he?? Well he thinks I did. But finally it all came out what he did. Well I fogive and try to forget kind of person and move on. Well he got rid of his pager that she used to continuously page him on. So they had no contact with each other. That I know of. Well 5 1/2 yrs. later We got married with 2kids. She is 19 to 20 yrs old now. Shes married with a baby Only like 4 or 5months old. Well about 1 month before Christmas she sent him a CERTIFIED letter in the mail. Let me o on and say he didn't say anything to me about it the day he heard about it. By the way she sent to his moms. His mom and her mom live right down the street from each other. So I do pass her every now and then. But to ge back to my story, The way that I found out was he told me ONLY because we were at his aunts house the day the letter came and his mom was also there well somehow she made the comment "no,you want me to start clowning I will" his face turned red and he said "NO". I walked off confused a little not thinking t much aboout it. Well when we were all leaving at the same time his mom and us. My husband and I drove to seperate vehicles cause we went straight over there from work. Well we were leavining and he asked me if I was ok cause Iwas being quiet. I said I was fine. I didnt want to argue, I was going to leave it alone. (if god wants me to know I will) We got home and he finally tol me. Of course , I'm upset but I don't let him see it. But when it gets talked about he gets defensive why because he has cheated on me in the past. Well I see the letter she just asked how he and the kids have been doing, and at the ottom she has her phone # on it. Reminder also HE HAS A VERY GOOD MEMORY  I leave the letter at his moms.Why do I want it?I don't like the girl because of all this. I never knew they were dating he always told me they were broken up." He took her virginity and shes in lovewith him" thats his saying. Reminder we were 17 she was ?14? Now in '05 christmas she sends christmas cards UPS to his moms 1 for his mom , 1 for "The Family" and 1 for "Him ONLY" in the UPS envelope. Of course it suppose to be intended for me not to see that one. Well I did, he told me about it. I got the cards before he did. Well when we got home he opened the one directed to HIM ONLY it wasnt bad just saying shes thinkinabout him and hopes he has a nice christmas. Well I tell him directly nice as can be that I'm not mad at him but that I am upset, but not athim. Because he tells me and promises me that he dont talk with her. But as the minutes go on he starts getting upset and a littl angry, here I am still being calm and smiling. He keeps the UPS envelope in hi truck, I havent even went to check to see if hes still got it, I need too. I haad it in my car first but he got it out. But he goes on sometimes not as much saying he could be with her if he wante to.. Thats all that has been said and done. Nothing else since then. Also they work within miles of each other. He claims that she knows the name of where he works and knows where the old building is but not the new on. But he does know wher eshe works because it wass on that UPS envelope. I think thats why he kept it. I've asked him if he remembers her cell # his face turns red abnd he has a smirk not getting a straight answer. Hes an honest person but he is a jealous person when it comes to me. My saying is " the accuser is always the guilty one" HE doesnt accuse me but says he dont trust women they are ciniving. (he seen that with his mom when he was growing up , she cheated on his dad all the time). should I worry or am I just being jealous? i don't want to get hurt. But idont know were only 23. But trying to live right because of our kids. I don't think hes cheating on me but I wouldnt put it past him to tlk with her as just friends and not tell me. He has told me that he just shouldnt tell mestuff like that because I would make a big deal out of nothing. he says that she just ned somebody to talk to. That they could be just friends. I tell hin NO no way in this world would I let them be just friends. She couldnt do it.Thats why I think they could still talk without me knowing, cause why would she write him and send christmas cards after all these yrs (well about 3 or 4) stlii thats a while, especially that shes also married and a baby. He says she must not be happy. Should I worry or what should I do? Any advice. This is the first time I have EVER talked about this. Sorry so long.  

 
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