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Topic : 07/04 Old Flames

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Created on : Friday, January 06, 2006, 01:49:45 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/13/06) Staying in touch with your old flame isn't a problem -- unless it interferes with you and your spouse! Susan says her husband, Fred, has a lot of ex-girlfriends and still flirts with them. Fred says his wife is overreacting, and they are just old friends. Is it OK to grab a cup of coffee with an ex when your spouse isn't invited? And, Suzie kept breaking up with her boyfriend when things got too serious, and then taking him back. Tired of being rejected, he finally ended the relationship. Now, Suzie wants her old flame back! What does Dr. Phil think she should do? Plus, one man reunited with his long lost love after being apart for over 60 years! Don't miss this very special love story. Talk about the show here.

 

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January 13, 2006, 1:54 pm CST

01/13 Old Flames

Quote From: atlswan

I think the only way a person can maintain a friendship with an old flame if they are now married is to include their spouse. If you're going to meet an old flame for coffee, TAKE YOUR SPOUSE. It immediately make the unspoken statement that the flame is out. This is my spouse. I chose her/him. Not the old flame. 

  

I do exchange the occasional e-mail (maybe five times a year)  with an old flame, but my husband is fully aware of it. He's welcome to read them.  I never share anything personal or talk about the past. My husband and I are meeting him and his wife for dinner when they're in town soon. But I would never meet the old flame alone. It just isn't respectful to either one of our spouses. 

  

I'm not staying that if a person bumps into an old flame at Kroger and talks for 10 minutes that they're going to have an affair. But frequent meetings alone create a risk that just isn't worth it. Especially if you start telling the old flame about intimate details in your marriage. Or if one of you is having marital problems. If you're having problems in your marriage, talk to your spouse. Not the old flame! 

  

I know I probably sound like an old-fashioned killjoy but I just don't think it's worth risking your marriage over. Marriage is hard enough as it is. 

I agree, you couldn't be more right. If you involve your spouse it takes the akwardness out of the situation. Why take a risk meeting with one of your ex's alone? Who knows, maybe you've just had an argument with your spouse. Your angry. Hurt. You start talking with your ex about past times and before you know it something innocent has became, simply put, something. It's not worth it because if it didn't work the 1st time it will not work the 2nd and then you've ruined your marriage. 

You don't sound old-fashioned, you sound sane. 

 
January 13, 2006, 1:56 pm CST

old flame

I am happy to say that I am currently in a relationship with my junior high school sweetheart.  We continued to see each other (and others) through high school then when went our separate ways. We have maintain a relationship, of sorts, over the years. It wasn't until I moved back to our home town and found out he was divorce (and I am widowed) that we resume a relationship.  The old flame was quick to rekindle. We enjoy each others company immensely.  I am so glad he is a part of my life. We both are 62 so we have known each other for 49 years. Are there any marriage plans, no, we have talked about it but I am the one that doesn't really want to.  He is at my home all of the time any way, so WHY get married.
 
January 13, 2006, 2:24 pm CST

too romantic to be true

Hi there. 

  

Mine appeared to be a love story like Helen's.  I met Bobby skiing when we were 13.  We had been born on the same day.  He was my first French kiss, what a kisser.  I can still easily go there in my mind.  When he graduated he left the area and I didn't see him again until we were 39.  He had returned to the area and met at the same ski area we met at as kids.  He was incredibly handsome with a terrific smile and seemed thrilled to see me.  Interestingly, neither of us had ever married or had kids.   

  

To make a long painful story short, we started seeing each other and were both very excited about the possibilities.  However, it quickly turned into fear and erratic behavior for him.  He told me that he'd really had his heart broken by a former girlfriend; she cheated on him and he was afraid to get hurt again.  But it also came out that he'd been physically abused by his father and I've come to believe this was the real reason for his inability to be comfortable with intimacy.   

  

I started talking about this with a therapist to gain a better understanding and to try to make things work out in some way shape or form.  He kept "running and hiding" yet I kept hoping we could work things out.  We tried three times, summers of '03, '04 and 05.  After this last break up, I heard that he's seeing someone new.  My therapist says it's probably someone who doesn't challenge him on his issues, who is desperate enough to deal with his baggage quietly.   

  

In many ways the young blonde on the show today sounded like the female version of him.  So the ultimate love story became the ultimate heartbreak.  If only it had worked out.  Much too good to be true. 

  

   

   

  

  

  

  

 
January 13, 2006, 2:27 pm CST

Fred is disrespectful

Both Fred and his former girlfriends are disrespectful of Susan.  Fred appears to have a big ego that devours the attention and neediness of these women, and he should ask himself why he risks creating friction with Susan.  And if these women are so clueless as to not see how inappropriate it is to keep contacting Fred, why would anyone expect Susan to be understanding?  Fred, grow up before it's too late.
 
January 13, 2006, 2:33 pm CST

It's ok to stay in touch with Old Flames

From a girl's perspective, I think it's ok to stay in touch with old flames, as long as it's not done in secret or without the spouse all of the time.  I don't see anything wrong with having coffee or getting together with an old flame without the spouse every once in a while.  The spouses should trust each other. And in turn the spouses should respect that trust, and like Dr. Phil said, if you wouldn't do it with your spouse present, don't do it when they're not.   

  

I have an old flame that I often think about and wish I could find to contact him and keep in touch with him, just because he was a real positive person and influence in my life.  He was the most proactive person I've ever known and I'd like a friendship with him.  My husband knows that I've tried to contact him and is ok with it, because he trusts me.  Unfortunately, he's moved since we knew each other and email addresses have changed and I haven't been able to contact him.  I hope one day I'll still be able to, but I would never intend on anything romantic with him..I'm happily married.  I just would like him in my life as a friend.  And if I ever do reconnect with him, I would make this clear from the beginning. 

 
January 13, 2006, 2:40 pm CST

WOW!

 I'm in that same situation.I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. He still likes to maintain a friendship with his ex eventhough I've made it very clear that I don't like it. I need my boyfriend to watch this episode because when we argue about his ex, he says that I'm crazy, insecure and selfish. I've always known that I have the right to feel the way I do and that it hurts me  because he is taking his friendship with her more important than our relationship. We have a good relationship and that's pretty much the only thing we fight about. I have caught him in many lies about her like he has gone out to lunch with her and not told me.  Or they have gone out for drinks or coffee and I found out after they have seen each other. I don't understand why men lie. I don't think he has feelings for her, I just think he feels sorry for her, which is why he was with her for such a long time to begin with. His ex knows we've been together 6 days after he broke up with her and that we've been together ever since. He has told her that I don't like the friendship between them and it bothers me. She has said that I have nothing to worry about because I'm the one who stole the man of her dreams away! I never did any such thing. She can't see that he did not love her and that's why he was looking else where for love. Everyone knows that he cheated on her with me except her! I wish she was smart enough to put two and two together and realize that he cheated on her with me. She has called his cell phone and I have answered and all she does is hang up which fuels me even more because it's like she has something to hide! She's in here 30's but she acts like she's 12!!! I know that I am right and that my boyfriend should not speak with her but I don't know what to do any more. He told me when we officially got together, that he told his ex he would always be there for her, I just didn't think she was that clueless to figure out that he cheated. His ex has a live-in boyfriend but I guess he doesn't satisfy her because she seems to need my boyfriend's ear and shoulder to lean on. She is so pathetic and needy it kills me. She needs to grow up because i've had it! What to I do?
 
January 13, 2006, 2:51 pm CST

Susan Get a life of your own

If he isn't having an affair and the sex is still great at home Fred having friendships should be okay.  That is probably what keeps him coming home.   

I am married and have been for 15 years.  Most of my friends have been men.  I use to be the one that went out with the guys, had a beer with the guys.  I was the one they talked to about their girlfriends or lack of.  Even had one guy that we discussed things in his hot tub.  However, I always went home to my husband.  Denying a friendship will hurt your marriage.  My husband had my permission to attend concerts of artists I didn't like but a friend (female) did. She went with him.  Though she wished it would have been different my husband still came home to me and had no hanky panky.  So Susan telling him to "have boundries" is a little selfish and belittering to their relationship.  He didn't marry a mommy.  He married to have a wife.  Grow up! 

 
January 13, 2006, 3:11 pm CST

01/13 Old Flames

Quote From: jellybean5

 You should put the ex's in a drawer and lock it. An old flame is an ex and they must be an ex because it didn't work out the first time. Like Dr. Phil says....."The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior". You cannot be friends with an old flame, because you would be bringing your past into the present. As a guy once told me....."Guys DON'T want to hear about other guys!" And the same goes for girls.
You are absolutely right! An ex is an ex for a reason! That's what I tell people all the time. And the person who got dumped should just move on because that person doesn't love you any more.
 
January 13, 2006, 3:15 pm CST

Keeping Old Flames

I've been in this situation.  Fred is being disrespectful to his wife and unfair to the old flames.  This is an ego trip for  him, thinking they are still interested in him.  For him to be overly friendly is sending a message that he 'might' still be interested.  He might not see it that way, but that is the way the ladies see it, otherwise, they would not call to ask him out for a cup of coffee, with or without his wife.  You, Dr. Phil, being a man, did not catch this side of it but Fred needs to cool it, or 'get out'.  His wife deserves better than that and I hope she continues to demand it.
 
January 13, 2006, 3:22 pm CST

I don't agree

Quote From: rhondajean

If he isn't having an affair and the sex is still great at home Fred having friendships should be okay.  That is probably what keeps him coming home.   

I am married and have been for 15 years.  Most of my friends have been men.  I use to be the one that went out with the guys, had a beer with the guys.  I was the one they talked to about their girlfriends or lack of.  Even had one guy that we discussed things in his hot tub.  However, I always went home to my husband.  Denying a friendship will hurt your marriage.  My husband had my permission to attend concerts of artists I didn't like but a friend (female) did. She went with him.  Though she wished it would have been different my husband still came home to me and had no hanky panky.  So Susan telling him to "have boundries" is a little selfish and belittering to their relationship.  He didn't marry a mommy.  He married to have a wife.  Grow up! 

Now, I realize that you are very experienced with marriage- I have been married for not quite 3 years. Yes, a person needs friends and needs an identity outside that of being a wife. But, what you are missing is that his wife's feelings are being hurt- don't her feelings count for something? I don't think that she was insecure or controlling at all. He just needs to "chill out" a little bit- he is not a single man anymore. When you get married, it's not all about you. I have to say, that I am very happy in my marriage and that I was very, very independant when I was single. I have a good career and took care of myself quite well. Sure, I would LOVE to take off and go out with my ex- whom I am really good friends with too. Now, my hubby doesn't have a problem with me going out to lunch sometimes- one time we even went to the casino together. We talk online alot, so on and soforth. But, if I "over did it" and I was hurting his feelings, that would be wrong! I have to take my hubby's feelings into consideration as he does mine. That's not being a "mommy" that's being respectful.
 
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