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Topic : 07/04 Old Flames

Number of Replies: 182
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Created on : Friday, January 06, 2006, 01:49:45 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/13/06) Staying in touch with your old flame isn't a problem -- unless it interferes with you and your spouse! Susan says her husband, Fred, has a lot of ex-girlfriends and still flirts with them. Fred says his wife is overreacting, and they are just old friends. Is it OK to grab a cup of coffee with an ex when your spouse isn't invited? And, Suzie kept breaking up with her boyfriend when things got too serious, and then taking him back. Tired of being rejected, he finally ended the relationship. Now, Suzie wants her old flame back! What does Dr. Phil think she should do? Plus, one man reunited with his long lost love after being apart for over 60 years! Don't miss this very special love story. Talk about the show here.

 

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January 7, 2006, 6:03 pm CST

meeting with an old fling or relationship

     I  think u should alway's have an open comunication with an ex spouse when there is children envolved , however there should be a limit to socializing whether an ex spouse or relatioship because of the envolvment of feelings and it can very well come between you and your current relationship.  It's not fair to the other persons feelings.  I have a sister who did many things with her ex husband while married to my brother in law, like go out to dinner and travel together without him.  My husband and I always wondered how he felt about it because he never said anything about till after the divorce.  There is when he said that was a huge problem in their relationship.  Needles to say she ended up cheating on him.
 
January 8, 2006, 12:26 pm CST

Old Flames

I think that whether it is ok to spend time with an old flame without your current partner being involved is very dependent on what type of relationship you are currently in. 

I have a friend who is still very close to her ex husband, she invites him to dinner regularly and goes out to eat with him on weekends while her new husband is at work. At first I thought that this was a strange set up, but I found out that her current husband is perfectly ok with the situation and has become very good friends with his wife's ex. 

I believe that the key to any successful relationship is trust and communication and as long as you are not sneaking around, it should be fine to maintain a friendship. 

 
January 9, 2006, 2:11 pm CST

Why didn't they ever date...

  

 I just recently got married and my husband wanted me to meet all of his friends from his past and to his present. My husband's 1st wife couldn't except any of my husband's friends. I, at first was still wondering on some of them. Some of the women he claims he wants to remain friends with even if he dated or didn't date just had off and on encounters to fulfil that need you know. One gal I accepted all ready because he dated her years ago back in his younger days and she is married to 1 of his classmate now. Then this other gal he didn't date but messed with the "encounter". He claims they're just friends now and she as a boyfriend and he had to deal with how she is with my husband also. He had to accept to. So I'm suppose to meet her sometime here so we'll see how that goes. I don't think I have anything to worry about but I do know 1 thing I won't let their friendship ruin my marriage. She even calls when she needs something to borrow or something like that. Can't she depend on boyfriend, boytfriend family, your family or even her other friends? I guess some cling to the past for help you know. Am I being too much about this or making a mountain over  a mole hill here? I know I need to protect myself, right? 

 
January 9, 2006, 3:01 pm CST

Yeah, right

 My husband once told me that men and woman can not be just friends.  He further said that there is always a silver linning wether it is from the male, female or both.  He feels that in a relationship, there is no room for dabbling with opposite sex friendships.  I tend to agree with him.  We have couple friendships and I've gone out with his single guy friends, but with my husband present.  I was the tag along and had great times being so.  I trust him fully and visa versa and we have never fought on this subject.  I don't keep in touch with my ex's and neither does he.  Maybe we stick to the safe side of things... who knows...  to each their own I guess.  I'm curious to hear what Dr. Phil has to say on the subject.
 
January 11, 2006, 5:57 pm CST

Depends on the situation

My husband has some ex-girlfriends that I really like and I don't mind at all if they talk or "catch up."  But there are other women that I would be furious if he got together with them.... I can tell that they still care for him.
 
January 11, 2006, 11:08 pm CST

Old Flames should stay out of New Life

Old flames are great if you are both single and free, but when others (spouses, children) are involved, perhaps they should fade into the background gracefully.  Sure, we all have a history, myself included.  I had a wonderful boyfriend years ago.  We were very close and came close to being more than just dates occassionally.  However, once he married another woman, I stayed out of his life.  Even though he was miserable (and several mutual friends informed me of this), I stayed out of it.  It was not my place to mess with his marriage.  Now that he is divorced, he has contacted me, but I am no longer free.  I have been friendly, but not taken it back to what it was, simply because I have a greater interest in being honest with my husband.  He is the man I made my vows with and who has the right to expect my fidelity.  I will always give him this.

Another problem I have is that my husband has a "flame" in his past that never really got started.  It never ceases to amaze me to know that my husband is crazy about this woman, now married with two children, who has never really given him the fulfillment that he thinks she has.  She is the most coniving and self-serving person I have ever met, and pretty much kept him on the string, both before and after our marriage, as a her "boyfriend in a jar" for whenever she was bored or wanted someone to do something for her.  She buddied up to my mother-in-law in order to secure a bequest in the will.  She is totally faithful to her husband as far as the actual sex act is concerned, but has few female friends because she always cozies up to their hubbies in order to get loads of attention.  She is the type of woman most women hate -- rubbing her body up and down to get attention and asking every male in the room if she looks too fat having recently given birth, etc., flirting blatantly and then dissing the wives whenever she gets a chance. 

Thankfully, we have now moved hundreds of miles away from this person and she has not nearly the access to my darling hubby she did.  However, I recently (by accident because he left it up on my computer) found out that  he had been corresponding with her by email.  I didn't want to know it. 

He seems to still think she is his ideal, although he loves me and our two children.  He talks about getting together with her when both their spouses die, something I find very upsetting.  Her replies to him have been friendly but not that interested, but she usually throws in something that keeps him looking for this love affair that was never there.  He told me once that they did try to make it something more than friends, but it didn't work out and she really wasn't interested in him.  He, on the other hand, carried a torch for her for years and kept seeing her after she married someone else because SHE instigated it -- her husband works odd hours and she was "bored".    I finally had to tell him that I didn't wish to see her or hear her name mentioned ever again, because of things she had done when I was out  of our home at church or other appointments.   I also felt that she was a major cause of dissension between us. 

I prefer to try and treat him with positive reinforcement.  He doesn't know that I know about this and I choose not to make it a fight and a big issue.  Still, I cannot deny that I am very hurt by the knowledge that he has kept in touch with her this past year since our move.  If she were a decent woman, she would realize that she owes her own husband a great deal more respect and that this correspondence must stop.  However, I cannot hope for decency on her part, so I figure I can only kill her memory with loving kindness.  He never had from her what he thinks he had, but he HAS had a very loving relationship with me and will continue to do so if I can help it. 

I would like some ideas on how to get this woman out of his life without contacting her (wouldn't do any good and she would probably tell him all about it) or letting on to him and perhaps having a big unnecessary fight.  Any pertinent suggestions would be helpful.  Thanks.
 
January 11, 2006, 11:21 pm CST

Boy, Are Guys Ever Dumb??!!

Quote From: agoodheart

  

 I just recently got married and my husband wanted me to meet all of his friends from his past and to his present. My husband's 1st wife couldn't except any of my husband's friends. I, at first was still wondering on some of them. Some of the women he claims he wants to remain friends with even if he dated or didn't date just had off and on encounters to fulfil that need you know. One gal I accepted all ready because he dated her years ago back in his younger days and she is married to 1 of his classmate now. Then this other gal he didn't date but messed with the "encounter". He claims they're just friends now and she as a boyfriend and he had to deal with how she is with my husband also. He had to accept to. So I'm suppose to meet her sometime here so we'll see how that goes. I don't think I have anything to worry about but I do know 1 thing I won't let their friendship ruin my marriage. She even calls when she needs something to borrow or something like that. Can't she depend on boyfriend, boytfriend family, your family or even her other friends? I guess some cling to the past for help you know. Am I being too much about this or making a mountain over  a mole hill here? I know I need to protect myself, right? 

 Your husband has done what mine did, quite innocently.  Most guys do want you to meet their friends, just as you would want him to meet many of yours.  However, when it comes to the exes and unrequited unfulfilled flames, you really have to watch things.  Go by your own radar, honey.  Women know women, and most guys just don't get it.  

My own DH just doesn't believe that women are conniving, probably because he really never had that much experience with girls before we got married.  He was painfully shy during his teens and, by the time he developed a full-blown crush on someone, it was someone who could not commit to one person because she is an attention fiend and has to have all the male attention she can get, plus she wants big, strong, rich, social-climbing opportunities in her men, so my DH didn't qualify. 

Still, these women aren't clinging to the past for help -- they want to keep as many guys on the string as they can because it gives them a sense of personal power.  They love being able to get any of their friends' hubbies or boyfriends to pay more attention to them than they do their own wives/girlfriends.  They also are unfair to their own partners and expect them to roll over and play dead while they pull this stuff.  Of course, this "helpless female" (my eye!) can depend on herself, her boyfriend, her family, but the key is she wants to get YOUR guy to do something for her to prove her worth.  Tell him that she is OUT now that you are married and she is with someone else.  He made his vows to you -- not her.  He needs to grow a backbone.  YES, protect yourself.  Decide what it is you want out of this relationship and then fight for it!
 
January 12, 2006, 7:26 am CST

"Old Flames"-- No Statute of Limitations

My husband was a flirt from the get-go.  He loved attention from women.  Moreover, he attracted it from all ages.  We married when we were 19, and stayed married until 38 years later when he suddenly died.  Even to this day, I acknowledge that I'd be uncomfortable with any associations he would have wanted to maintain with old flames.  While I recognize that I often took his flirtatious spirit too seriously, nonetheless, I'd object being excluded from private conversations, meetings, etc.  Certain insecurities about our relationship will possibly never disappear and  I miss him terribly.
 
January 12, 2006, 8:51 am CST

Thats exactly what it is..

There is no grey..In this area...  

 
January 12, 2006, 7:33 pm CST

old flames

 You should put the ex's in a drawer and lock it. An old flame is an ex and they must be an ex because it didn't work out the first time. Like Dr. Phil says....."The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior". You cannot be friends with an old flame, because you would be bringing your past into the present. As a guy once told me....."Guys DON'T want to hear about other guys!" And the same goes for girls.
 
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