Topic : 01/16 Honeymoon's Over Follow-up

I watch Dr. Phil religiously and never have felt the need to post a message before this show!  Any marriage or partnership has to be an equal give and take.  And for the life of me, I can't see where Shamika is giving.  One of the most telling things to come out of this show was Shamika's comment about expecting Marlon to go out to the car for himself even if he wasn't dressed and she was!  When you love someone, you do things for them.  I can't even count the times my husband has gone out of his way to please me and vice versa!!  The fact that she can't even inconvenience herself for her husband, who is trying everthing to please her, is the saddest, most selfish thing I have heard in a long time.  And to couple that with the lame things she came up with when talking about what he is doing right, just adds insult to injury!  Shamika needs to take a long look at herself and instead of asking what he can do better, ask herself what she can do better for him.  No healthy relationship is based on one person giving and one person taking.  If Shamika can't get it together, there are thousands of women who would line up to take her place with Marlon!!!

I say this from experience. Shamika only cares about her wants, her needs, how SHE feels. Next thing you know...she'll be needing to "FIND" herself. Or some crap like that. After putting myself into making a relationship work and trying to get my ?? well whatever he is now, to understand that he wasn't the only one in this relationship, after everything I did for him (and trust me it was never enough)... Take in the fact that he knows how I feel about abandonment (issues from childhood, my dad abandonned me, he decides he needs to "find" himself. He expects me to believe there's no one else and he expects me to patiently wait for his return and expects me to take him back with open arms! So Be Careful, Marlon! Selfish people only care about themselves. Actions speak louder than words! I was told that he loves me, I'm the only one for him, he'd never hurt me. But where is he? And where am I?  

I do hope that this is NOT the case with Shamika and Marlon though. Too many marriages fail and there's too little love in this world to let it go to waste or end over selfishness. Shamika, come around, honey! Better broken pride than a broken heart. 

For ALL the people on this board who have called Michelle insecure, I think the insecure one is you. You are just mad at Michelle for bringing the SAME problem YOU HAVE to your attention and that of Dr. Phil's audience, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here with your stories of your spouses friends. Are you trying to convince yourself that everything is ok? 

  

Sure there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. I'll even go as far as to say that friendships with ex's are ok. But there is something not right about not letting spouses or even other family members meet these people at least once unless they live out of town.    

  

I even know some of the friends of my relatives. I went to my aunts friends daughters wedding. IF IT SOUNDS COMPLICATED IT IS!  I didn't even know this girl ,but her mother had been at birthday parties and other family functions as a guest of my aunt. 

  

Once when I was in college I ran into a friends cousin on campus and we stoped and spoke for a minute. HOW DID I KNOW HER?  I met her at my friends birthday party.   

  

So there is definately something wrong when your spouse is purposely not allowing for any scenario in which you and their friends are in the same room at the same time. IT DOESN"T MAKE SENSE.   With birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions that someone would want to spend with ALL of the important people in their lives together. Unless someone lives very far away. 

  

It is even more bizzare that none of these so called friends were at the wedding!  HECK, HALF THE TIME A PERSONS FRIENDS ARE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THEM IN A HORRIBLE TUX OR BRIDESMAIDS DRESS WHEN THEY GET MARRIED much less not even being present at all!  But people do ditch weddings when they are jealous or object to the wedding. 

  

Either way none of it makes sense. This dosen't mean Matthew , or you guys spouses are bad.  But trust and security are not the issues. Common sense and normal behavior is, and "secret friends" are not normal. 

"Black men have a tendency to date white women as an "In Your Face" to white men more than anything else" 

  

Sorry if this is going off subject but I just had to respond to this. 

  

I'm a black woman too and I just see us sticking our heads in the sand way to much about black men dating white women, and it only hurts us in the end. 

  

If this is an "In Your Face" campaign it must not be working very well. I can only speak for my experiences, yours may be different. But it's gotten to the point now where what I hear from most white people (male and female) who would consider themselves not racist is that they fully EXPECT a good black man to have a wife of another race.  Only racist whites are upset about it.   Furthermore, white men have had no problems picking up the slack by having  relationships with Asians, Latinas, and so forth.   

  

Also your post is full of the typical myths about such relationships: 

  

The relationship won't work. The woman has to do things to hold on to the man. The man will resent the woman. The reason he can't talk to her is because they aren't of the same race. The relationship is an "In your face to whites". The man uses the relationship to "enter" white society. The woman isn't strong or doesn't have a life of her own. The woman knew or should have known what she was getting into. There are suppressed feelings from the man towards the wife, but they really have to do with White society as a whole and not just her. 

I can also speak from experience.  I just got out of a one year relationship.  I am a white woman and was with a black man.  Over the year of us being together it was the other women that caused us to end.  He was very judgemental of my male friends, all of which he knew- but dared me to even think about asking about his female "friends".  Now here it is five months later, again I am with a good African American Man.  However I find myself at times wondering about his female friends.  Like Chelle, it all started with his cell phone.  There are four females on there of which when we are together he will ignore there call, call them when I step out of the room or will call them and quickly delete their numbers from his phone.  I can only question what is going on.  Sounds kind of fishy to me.  It was only about a week ago that he finally told me that one of the females was trying to get in contact with me, "to try and cause problems", is what he said.  Relationships are soley based on trust.  It is an issue that I have, I am trying to work with, but it does take two, and he is not helping the matter out. 

As a black woman, I cringe sometimes when I read things like this. Only proves how we, as Americans, will never move ahead. And how the "race card" mentality is just killing my own people. It become such a crutch to where real issues of race are losing credibility. Of all the work that our forefathers put into fighting for our rights so we can break boundaries, it seems just disheartening when people ALWAYS want to relate everything to racism. This issue that Michelle and Matthew are facing could apply to EVERY COUPLE. You could be married to a black man who's black female friends don't want to meet you or don't like you for whatever reason. There are same race marriages that have HUGE communication issues. There are mixed race ones that aren't doing any better. Race issues are all around, believe me I know (I'm the only black person working in a department of about 50 in a very male-dominated environment).  If i wanted to, i could find racism in pretty much everything I've experienced since I got to work today.  So try to focus on real issues, and not what always seems to be the easy way out, because you don't gotta go looking for race issues. It'll come to you in it's own time. In the mean time, try to focus on the right issues: Michelle (your generic woman) and Matthew (your generic man), both of them humans who want to live their lives together, are having a few problems accomplishing this goal. Matthew is not your brother, and certainly your brothers and their friends don't speak for all African-American men. Geeez...give yourself chance to enjoy what has been fought for for you!!!

"Furthermore, white men have had no problems picking up the slack by having  relationships with Asians, Latinas, and so forth" 

  

Thank you... I live in texas...and I've noticed a lot of white men dating black women lately. So if it's happening in a conservative state like this, it's allllll gooodd! It's all a matter of education, you figure out what biologically makes us white or black or olive or yellow, and you read what your bible says about race (the whole verse and not part of it), you start realizing that all the other "stuff" is things that we as society have added. 

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? MARLON SHUT UP AND STOP ACTING LIKE A LADY. IF YOUR WIFE FEELS THE NEED TO BITCH AND COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HER? SHAMIKA PAAAAALEASE! YOU ARE SO INCONSIDERATE AND AND DEMANDING. SO YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT THIS MAN OWNS A GREAT BUSINESS TAKES CARE OF ALL THE BILLS, COOKS, CLEANS AND CATERS TO YOUR NEEDS AND YOU STILL FEEL THE NEED TO BE HITLER ALL THE TIME? SERIOUSLY IF MY MAN WAS ACTING THE WAY THAT YOU DO AND DIDN'T TRY TO PLEASE ME OR JUST LOOKED AT ME AS A MAID I WOULD HAVE LEFT HIM A LOOOOOOOOONG TIME AGO. ALSO YOU GET HOME AT SEVEN RIGHT? YOU ALSO SAY THAT YOU ONLY HAVE AN HOUR BEFORE THE KIDS GET UP? SO YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO STAY UP FOR 60 MINUTES TO LAY THE KIDS CLOTHES OUT, MAKE THERE LUNCHES GET BREAKFAST READY AND THAT ALL DOESN'T ADD UP TO AN HOUR? MY GOD FROM WHAT YOUR HUSBAND TOLD US ALL YOU DO ALL DAY IS SIT ON YOUR BUTT ALL DAY AND SLEEP. ALSO GETTING YOUR  OWN  OFF-SPRING READY IS A TASK? MAN IF YOU ARE NOT LAZY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!!! ANYWAYS MARLON GET A DIVORCE OBVIOUSLY THIS "MARRIAGE" ISN'T GOING TO WORK OUT, IF YOU FEEL LIKE THE WOMAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP THAN DOESN'T THAT TELL YOU SOMETHING? HAHAHA COMEDY ALL OF IT.

Thank you for your kind words.  I am coming to terms with my decision.  I have a few loose ends ( to tie up (like a permanent job and a good lawyer) before I discuss my decision with my spouse.  We both need to be whole and happy and not part of a diseased relationship.  As they say, "Without integrity, words are meaningless!"