Topic : 01/16 Honeymoon's Over Follow-up

 I just have to say, I don't know your whole story but I don't understand why people give up so quickly on their marriages.  Do vows mean nothing?  That is why the divorce rate is so high...people get married with the understanding that if it doesn't work they can always get a divorce.  Did it ever occur to folks to not get married if you have to even think about divorce before hand?  Marriage is a lot of work.  It isn't all fun and games and it takes committment and work to make it work.  If you aren't willing to work at it, don't get married!

I'm glad that you liked my message, but I have a little difference of opinion from yours.  

  

In my opinion, though you do see some white men dating black women, the quality of a lot of those relationships aren't that substantial.  I see a lot of those relationships as the white men dating and "playing around" with black women and then MARRYING someone white or some other race. If thats all thats happening  then it is not much different than whats been going on for hundreds of years. Only difference is that the man can publicly call the woman his girlfriend.  

  

But on the other hand the black men are marrying the white women. Studies have shown that interacial relationships are pretty even between men and women of all races except Asians and Blacks. In the case of Asians, the women do it more than the men.  In the case of Blacks, the men do it more than the women.  This leaves Asian men and Black women as that least like to get married in this country. 

I think that you take way too much for granted, Marlon is being as good to you as he knows how to be.  I know that I am not the first one to say this about a marrige, but you cannot change him you need to change yourself.  There are a lot of men out there who could care less about what there wives think and feel you are a lucky person to have someone who is out there working hard so that you can have everything that you want.  I am just happy to have an awesome husband and I know that in time material things will come.  you need to concentrate on being happy with the situation and making the best of what you have.  My husband and I have many differences but we both agree that we love each other more than anything in the world and we both know that is what we have to concentrate on instead of being materialistic. GROW UP there are other people involved in this situation than you.

If Shamika doesnt get it this time I hope Dr. Phil came help him get over her, everyone can see she has no feelings,  why does she work at night when she needs to be home with him and the kids now, when they mend things then she can work, what is more important to her, the marriage or what, attention from other people? when she has all his attention, wake up Shamika. 

   

marlon seems to be a good guy. the message needs to get to shamika that if she keep treating him bad i have a girlfriend that would treat him with love and respect in louisiana. 

  

Dr. Phil, 

I was really surprised and disturbed by the 'Are You Ready To Get a Divorce Test ' you gave Shamika and Marlon on today's show. Immediately I thought of all the people who may now prolong leaving a bad marriage and potentially suffer further abuse and even danger.  

  

I think your presentation of this framework is so totally off base that I can't imagine how you thought this approach was a good idea. I think it's quite normal to have a whole range of feelings by the time one decides to divorce. My God, just because people feel anger, sadness, bitterness and so on when they realize divorce is the best next step, does not mean it isn't the best thing for the couple and perhaps the family. We'd be inhuman to not feel some emotions during such a trauma. Having these feelings doesn't mean it isn't the right time to make that decision..  

  

Your words are very powerful and I would truly like to see you address this issue on the show, so viewers are not confused by your message. Clearly, you are in favor of divorce under certain circumstances, so let's not let that message get lost in the message from today's show.  

  

Dr. Phil, I think you do a great deal of good work with people, but today's approach was unhealthy. I think you could have brought this couple to the same place of recognition of their mutual love and vulnerabilities without going anywhere near the 'Divorce Test". 

  

  

Jan Dupuis 

 Dr. Phil 

     If it does not work out between Marlon and Shamika I would love to have a chance to meet Marlon. Dr. Phil if you can make that happen it would be grateful. Marlon seems like a very nice person and for a man like that, it's one in a life time to opportunity to get to know him.  

  

                                                                                       California. 

I wanted to let you know if you ever need someone to talk to please email me cause i left my family and all my friends to move from Pgh, Pa to London, Ontario Canada.  I met my husband june 1997 and married him 3 months later.  Picked up and left everything I had and everything that I knew to something so unexpected. I would not have changed anything and I have to say we have had our tough moments (alot). My husband has proved my with everything I have ever needed and I get frustrated sometimes but I thank god everyday that I have my husband. 

  

So i know some of the stuff you might be going through. kokrainec@hotmail.com 

  

I think you too are so cute together.   

  

Stay strong and remember KEEP SMILING!!!!!!!!! 

  

  

I  am hoping this will be encouraging, even if it seems overwhelming at first. 

  

I can relate a litle to Shamika.  I came out of my childhood very guarded, very angry and very distrustful of men.  My husband, when I met him was so different from any other guy I had ever dated.  He treated me like a lady...I had never met a gentleman before.   

  

And as for showing tears or 'weakness' during fights, I refused to because I had shed enough tears for men who could have cared less..and though my husband wasn't the reason...he did become the recipient...unfair though it was.  Inside I felt everything I refused to show. 

  

I was like a bull in a china shop!  I am not saying my husband was perfect, but I came into our marriage carrying a lot of baggage and a lot of rage.  My husband remained with me and we went to some young marrieds classes and retreats in our first year that helped me understand men better and him understand women better.   

  

Even with this, there was still a lot of work to do in each of us...learning to live with each other is a process that takes time...especially if your past is really messed up.  Thoswe fights in the first few years were enbelievable!!!  (I am happy to say they are just a distant memory now). 

  

I am so thankful that my husband and I stuck it out, because on this side of it things are fabulous!  It was so worth it!  And the fact that he loved me through the ugly times and stayed true to me...all I can say is he looks like gold to me and I try very hard to please him!  Because he loved me so much and is so good to me...I want to do the same for him. 

  

As I watch the marriages of my siblings and freinds break apart,  I lift my eyes towards heaven and cry out to God in complete and utter thankfulness and say "who am I that You are mindful of me!  How is it that I was given such a faithful and loyal man?!  I don't deserve it and yet he is MINE!  I am so blessed!"    Every day when my husband gets home now, he is greated with joy!  After your show he came home to a big hug and I said "I am so glad you stuck with me...I love you so much!"  

  

We have now been married for almost 14years.  I wouldn't give him up for anything!  He needed  work, just like me...but together, and with some great teaching and help from some great shows dealing with marriage and relationships we have come through and thrived!   

  

Marlon...be that same loyal and faithful man , and you will end up with gold in the form of your first love...no guilt no shame, no ugly divorse clinging to your back. 

  

SHAMIKA...don't keep looking at how your husband needs to change...instead ask yourself...where do I need to change...how can I make myself better and so be better for my husband and chldren?  Once I stopped rying to take his inventory...life got a whole lot better...not immediately...it was a process that took time and work...but I am so glad I am not the person I was when I got married anymore!!!  i started by writing everything good i could think of about my husband...surprisingly I came up with four pages!  I showed my husband them...I am not sure he believed I meant any of it...i had been that ugly too many times...but I kept them and whenever hatred and loathing towards my husband would threaten to overwhelm me again, i would reread thatr list...IT HELPED IMMENSLY!!!    

  

I think i would be embarrassed to recount the many times I got on my knees and prayef to God to take him or take me because I refused to divorse him but I didn't want to keep living with him ( I am sure he must have prayed similar prayers!)  But the problem really wasn't him...it was me!  And once I started realising it and working on things one at a time things changed. 

  

In a few years you willl be so glad you stuck it out...for us it was four very horrible years...but they seem so short now. 

  

I hope you know how to pray...I couldn't have chaanged without it!  Good luck...God bless you and just get a dose of 'stick-to-it-iveness'. 

In a difficult world we are living in, it is nice to have friends, everyone needs friends. I know this for a fact. If you are keeping secrets from your wife with friends, it is not right. A partnership, is just what it is. My husband and I put eachother first and foremost. We both have friends. The difference is, we are not intertaining them, alone, at their homes with the opposite sex. From my point of view, it is a woman thing. From the man's point of view, it's a man thing. But in a marriage, it is a mutual understanding that you come first and foremost in your marriage, above all the rest. I would never speak with a guy at his house, and keep anything from my husband. Nor, would my husband do this. We had a clear understanding before we got married on this subject. The opposite sex friends that you had when you were single, the whole relationship changes. You are not single, you are married, and being married is a sacred thing. It is very sacred to us. This is why we don't allow others to take time away from us. Everything is about us, and our time that we have, is valued significantly, together. If we are to be with friends, we are both there. There is no separateness with the opposite sex. We have seen too many times in our pasts, how things change when couples start getting too close. In my home town, a marriage broke up because they were getting too close with another couple. Marriages can grow old and boring, unless you keep it new and fresh. I just don't believe it works out having the opposite sex as a friend, unless your significant other knows all, and you do not allow yourself to get too close to that person. Seeing them on the side, is a big mistake. This is my opionion, and it just works for us. Good Luck in all you do!