Quote From: aspiemom2I was looking forward to this show because I have two sons with Asperger syndrome. What a letdown.
Brain imaging only helps in the diagnosis of Asperger syndrome. It has nothing to do with medication or treatment. Dr. Phil should have at least given the parents advice on how to help alleviate their son's stress, accommodations that could be made in school, etc.
No child wants to rage or act out. It isn't for attention. It's an indicator that something is wrong. When they rage, it means they have emotions that they need help coping with. That in itself is difficult for someone with Asperger's because they have a difficult time recognizing when they are getting stressed or what is causing the stress in the first place.
The parents need to find ways to help their son cope with his stress, recognize ahead of time what situations may cause stress, and come up with coping skills ahead of time that he can use to get it under control. Just telling him to control it is not going to work. Part of Asperger's is the fact that emotions are so overwhelming that the person cannot control them. Sometimes therapy and training help them to recognize when stress is getting overwhelming and how to cope with it, but sometimes not. Yelling at him is definitely not going to help. That's the first thing that has to stop.
This young man is at a critical age for someone with Asperger's. I hope he is able to get the help he needs in order to cope with the stress of high school. Some kids with Asperger's drop out of high school because of the stress level. One of my sons already has dropped out. The other is struggling in his freshman year, but with accommodations he is doing okay.
I guess the biggest point I would like to make for other parents of Asperger's is that you cannot change someone with Asperger's into a "normal" person. It doesn't work that way. Put their emotional wellbeing FIRST. You have to learn the best way to help them deal with the overwhelming emotions and help them learn coping skills. Medication for anxiety and depression are also important.
If your child has Asperger's and can no longer cope with school, that IS okay. You're not a bad parent. Approx. 1/3 of children with Asperger's do not graduate high school. I learned the hard way that you cannot force them to do something that is uncomfortable for them. It will backfire. Listen to what your children tell you. When they are about to rage or get really stressed, try to sit them down and talk quietly with them.
Since so little is understood about Asperger syndrome in the medical community, I would suggest that all parents arm themselves with information about Asperger's. There are some great books out there by Tony Attwood on the subject. He is an expert on Asperger's.
I would also like to offer these websites to other parents of children with Asperger's. They have a wealth of information:
http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/
and
www.tonyattwood.com.au/
Michelle
I, too, see my son in so many of these emails - yours especially. It is so easy for others to judge and criticize and yet, we, as parents, are all in the same boat; we are all trying our best to raise and nurture our children with love, respect, in safe environments and as individuals. My son will be 20 in March and is still not diagnosed with Aspergers, but I am convinced that is what he has had since he was born. As my third son, he was in a noisy and busy household and we figured he was just craving the extra attention - longer tantrums, louder, harder to settle...there was always an excuse.
He had ear infections from 8 months on and had to have tubes, he had severe croup and stopped breathing and had to be rescusitated both were ongoing conditions - and then, the grandaddy of them all, he was diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. At 7, he had a pacemaker implanted and there wasn't a kid in the hospital that the doctors enjoyed more (he still has a device). At that point, we contributed the fact that he could comminicate better with adults to all of his medical care - he is (was) extremely bright, inquisitive, and TALKATIVE - never, never, ever stopped yakking - and that endeared him to most. However, from my end, it was exhausting - trying to feed his inquiries (which I loved, don't get me wrong) constantly was mostly to prevent him from obsessively reasking questions and preventing "meltdowns" in the event of change or unpredictable or unscheduled situations. If he knew what what coming, we were golden - if someone wanted to draw blood or something (or pull out a Foley catheter - that really happened) with no warning, it would take hours, sometimes days for him to recover from it - it would play over and over in his head and I would have to respond - again, I have tried a million ways from soft to hard. (same issues in school - need the schedule)
For the parents who see their child in this behavior, I know that you, too, have tried everything from explaining everything in minute detail, including the "what ifs" to cutting your kids off short and saying "that's life, surprises happen deal with it!"
The bottom line is that at 11, my son "couldn't stand the pain" (we don't know what 'pain' he feeling - how can an 11 year old even say that?) anymore and began to mutilate himself with scissors, then a knife. He attempted suicide and was hospitalized twice - those ordeals were the worst times of MY life - I can't imagine what my sweet boy endured. The first time we went to visit him, he ran up to us and said "did you know if you look in the mirror and say 'bloody mary' three times you will die?" He was put in a room with a child who had beat up his bus driver. My son has NEVER has hurt another person - he internalizes all of his "pain". He views himself as a 'freak" because he is so "diferent" with his pacemaker... The staff made him sign a statement that said "I promise never to kill myself". Therapy?
My disappointment with the psychiatric community borders cannot fully be expressed. So often, the phrases, "have you tried counseling" or "you need to get some help" are so casually tossed around, like good doctors are everywhere and available and always personable, committed and deeply caring. His intake interview was on a weekend around midnight; the man conducting the interview asked him "Why did you try to kill yourself" and my 11 YEAR OLD son responded " I don't know - I guess cuz the kids make fun of me". This HEALTH caretaked responded "So what? I had kids make fun of me when I was in 6th grade and I didn't try to kill MYSELF". And I was supposed to leave my son there and walk away. I asked where he would be housed and he said he could have a nurse come down to speak with me (hospital setting). She said very sternly and looking at my son "He will sleep on a mattress on the floor next to the nurse's desk until he proves to us that he will NOT try to kill himself again." I took him home and locked him in our bedroom with us and slept on the floor next to him until we could call another doctor in the a.m. Unfortunately, there were only two options for placement and he ended up there eventually.
The feeling of not being in control of my son's health is most frustrating of all.
We had TWO doctors tell my son it was their last appointment with him during the session. No warning (remember about how change is tough to deal with?) - one complained she was overbooked by the practice, the other was a resident and her time was completed. Eric is very respectful (at least around me), and knows I won't tolerate disrespect, but we were both so shocked, he asked if he could say something to the doctor and I allowed him to speak his mind. All he said was "is this what they teach you in medical school - to work with kids for a short time and leave them before you help them?" The inconsistency of his care has had a direct result in his behavior over the years, and yet, when we try another doctor, he will still open up, but no one has gotten to the real him YET.
As an elementary school teacher and lover of education, my kids attending school in the same district in which I taught. The same inconsistency of care was true in the school setting. Special Needs teachers are overworked and underpaid and cannot physically or emotionally attend to all the kids that need help. By law, my son had an Individual Education Plan that was not followed (he also has a diagnosed learning disability) - he was supposed to have tests read aloud to him, and it didn't happen. At the junior high level, "these kids need to be more responsible - if he won't come down to the Resource Room on his own, we can't make him". Right.
By high school, there was a definite pattern. He would start out the school year great, then get steadily behind, then feel overwhelmed, then shut down. Yes, he was medicated for depression and anxiety. Yes, he was diagnosed with ADHD, but not treated for that - we had meetings with the school at least every nine weeks and it was always the same "he just isn't applying himself". "You need to work with him more at home" - but as we did that, the meltdowns would increase, too, and we never knew when they would be set off. The poor kid was so freaking frustrated - I was more worried about keeping him ALIVE than homework.
Finally, there was one last resource teacher that "got him" - I was so relieved and almost hopeful - and she had a heart attack (the poor woman). As she recovered, she called me to say she understood him even better, having to deal with mortality and the heart, and we had even high expectations, and then she developed a brain disorder. My son saw her at the mall in a wheelchair and she told him she would probably not recognize him the next time she saw him. The school really let us down after that point and we ended up allowing him to drop out of school. In the exit conference, when he didn't respond in a way the counselor liked, he looked at him and said, "You WILL talk to me and your parents in a respectfull manner or I will call the police and have you placed in Juvenile Hall." My jaw dropped and I couldn't speak. My son said "For what?" (not even yelling or anything), and the GUIDANCE counselor replied, "Insubordination". He left to get something and my son just started crying. So did I, and we just knew it wasn't the place for him to be. His health was #1 and he was NOT healthy in that atmosphere. I looked at his resource teacher and said "I am going to say something I would like to you consider: Aspbergers" and she just nodded a little bit and shrugged. It was obvious she either didn't know about it or was done with us. We walked out that day and I could feel him physically relax.
Yes, we looked into day schools, and private schools, etc. He wanted to work and just be busy. We wanted him making choices and feeling independent.
My angel is good friend to 2 or 3 kids and has always been that way. His two brothers are the kind of kids that know everyone and go out and feel great with strangers. They were also tremendous athletes and good students. His sister is an amazing athlete and a great student, too.
He has been limited in just about every avenue possible for him to find to shine. I have rocked him and hugged him (he does not like that), and told him that God has a MAJORLY unbelievable job for him to do here, and that consoled him for a several years, but now he is just getting ticked off and wanting to know what the heck the PURPOSE is...
He has had two panic attacks in the last month and asked to go see a therapist again. We are hoping, again, that she will help him in a way no one else has. He can talk about going to "school" without freaking out (he did get his GED, by the way before he would have graduated), but he is not signed up yet, and he works, and is living in an apartment with friends (talk about DIFFICILT - letting him go), but we wanted him to feel IN CONTROL.
I thank God everyday for all of my kids - but I hope I speak for other parents when I say that we need more solutions offered than just websites and bulletin boards. Whole families are drastically affected - I know my kids suffered and feared for my son...and that is another crack in my already breaking heart. NO parent wants to see his or her child go through pain of any kind...and much of this challenge is the child's perception; we can talk until we are blue in the face and not change perception...I have told him a billion times that no one can SEE the pacemaker - it is a GOOD thing, it helps him, etc., and he does NOT have cancer, he can have a "normal" life, but his perception is so skewed, words just do not go in to his unique brain.
I have tried to educate parents (in my capacity as a teacher) and others that if my son (or theirs - because a LOT of this is out there) were afflicted with cancer, we would be more sympathetic and helpful to each other. The same is true for depression, anxiety, impulsive and obsessive behaviors that accompany this - any mental challenges that our children are trying so hard to cope with on a chronic basis. CHRONIC sucks in today's world of fast fixes and "always on the go"...
Rather than saying we will "update" you on what happens with Alex, it would have been so much more hopeful to offer some solutions...
Thank you for bringing light to the subject - I had actually considered contacting Dr. Phil about my son last year and didn't think anything would happen as a result.
We caring parents need to steer our same boats toward calmer waters together...
Does your child rage, scream and kick doors? Is his or her behavior the typical brattiness of a spoiled child, or involuntary behavior beyond the child's control? Dr. Phil sheds light on a pair of widely misunderstood extreme neurological disorders. First, he looks at Asperger's syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism which can cause a person to lack control over his or her emotions, including anger. Rich and Karen's 15-year-old son, Alex, was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 6. His sudden fits of rage and erratic behavior have put a strain on his whole family. Should his parents be afraid of Alex, or is there something they can do to bring his behavior under control? Plus, Craig, 37, can't control his physical tics, nor can he keep from constantly uttering obscenities, literally hundreds of times a day. Craig suffers from Tourette syndrome, an affliction that's gotten so bad, he won't go into grocery stores, movie theatres or any public place for fear he'll be kicked out. What will the disorder mean for his plans to start a family? Talk about the show here.
