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Topic : 03/17 Kids Ask Dr. Phil

Number of Replies: 255
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Created on : Friday, January 13, 2006, 02:27:28 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/20/06) Dr. Phil fields questions from teens across the country. Alysia, 17, wants her mom to approve of her 30-year-old boyfriend, Jamie -- who's in jail and has been charged with domestic violence. Her mother, Linda, says she's living a parent's worst nightmare. She says her daughter was working hard and headed toward college until she met this man, and now her future is at stake. Next, Kaylene, 15, is upset that her mother has banned her from using a Web site where she posted pictures of herself in a bikini. Is the Internet a safe place for a 15-year-old girl? Then, Brittany, 14, says her family moved to Nashville to pursue her dream of being a singer. But now that her parents are having marriage problems, she's caught in the middle and thinks it's all her fault. Plus, see the exciting new project The Dr. Phil Foundation is working on to help some wonderful children beat the odds! Talk about the show here.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

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January 20, 2006, 12:34 pm CST

myspace

I know everyone wants to think we can trust our children to make rational decision, especially when it comes to online activity, but we can't. Myspace is not run by fathers and mothers, it's run by a man wanting to make a lot of money and promotion for his website. It is IMPOSSIBLE to shield anyone's eyes from improper language, nudity (or the illusion of it), etc. My sister is on it and it makes me sick to see the comments that she gets. Even if a parent says "Don't put half naked pictures of yourself or use improper language" it doesn't make a difference because if you don't have those things on myspace you aren't "myspace popular" which is what most teens/young adult want. The site is deplorable and should not be allowed for anyone under the age of 18, it's just as bad as pornography. If you are a parent take a look for yourself, you won't have to look far for indecent activity.
 
January 20, 2006, 12:37 pm CST

MySpace.com dangers

We had the same problem with our daughter and Myspace.com.  My husband became pro-active and contacted the website customer care department.  we were told that you had to be 16 to register, they deleted my daughter's old profile.  We were able to set up a new profile for her with no personal information under a "privacy" status.  She can only talk to people that are in her group and if a search is done for profiles, hers won't show up.  My husband monitors her profile on a daily basis and he has posted a comment on her boards that says that her dad is reading everything that is posted there.  Since those changes were made, there have been no problems.  We protected her from predators, we know who she's talking to because we've met them, and the level of inappropriate comments has dropped to a minimum.  Parents should be aware that they can  contact the providers of these websites and sometimes gain a lot of cooperation.  Every statement that Dr. Phil made regarding the dangers of these websites were the exact same statements that I made to my daughter 6 months ago. 
 
January 20, 2006, 12:51 pm CST

Donation

Everything Oprah touches turns to gold!  

 
January 20, 2006, 12:54 pm CST

Alysia: It is not JUST THE AGE that's a problem!

I lived thru this 8 years ago with my daughter... Do you want to know what has happened in the past 8 years?  She has 4 bi-racial children -- and 3 -baby-daddies!  One of them is currently in jail, the other two are x-cons... but hmmm, that could change  --at any minute.  The children are wonderful. But the down side is my daughter has all 4 and no one there to help her.  Her family helps as much as they can, but it is NOT like having a loving husband.  Please pay attention...  Dr. Phil has told you the TRUTH  (IF you can't hear your mom... listen to a learned man, who knows more about people than you ever will!)     You are very young and very pretty -- but once you have the baby... your little soul-mate willl RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!  and will you want support?  What kind of support will you want?  Money? Companionship? A Helper?  A Babysitter?  Someone that will watch the baby for just one minute while you wash your hair?????   Kiss all the things away... It will not happen.  You are being USED RIGHT NOW and Later,-- you WILL be ABUSED!   

The more you have to defend your partner... you really have to question what is going on.  Take a set to adulthood and ask yourself,  "What if half of what they say is true... What would be the best choice for me?"  Good luck, Alysia!  Make an adult choice for yourself, you will be happy you did!  If you don't, maybe you & my daughter could become friends and then maybe you'll be able to wash your hair in peace! 

 
January 20, 2006, 12:55 pm CST

You can't save him

So let's summarize this 17-year old's "relationship": 

  

1.  He's 30 years old and is molesting a child (oh, yes you are a child still, Alysia, legally and quite obviously emotionally as well). 

2.  He's in jail - a convicted felon. 

3.  He's an abuser, of both women and drugs. 

4.  He's already gotten one woman pregnant and doesn't support that child - even if it was a one night stand (which we have a only convicted felon's word for) he takes no responsibility for his actions and the consequences of those actions.  

5.  He has unprotected sex with Alysia, exposing her to disease and teenage pregnancy, and cheats on her. 

6.  He has coerced Alysia into staying with him by threatening suicide - a classic tactic of a controlling abuser.  Clue:  He hasn't changed. 

7.  She thinks that as a "nurturing" person, she can do some good in his life.   

8.  He tells her what she wants to hear so she will continue to allow him to use her. 

  

Dr. Phil, thank you for trying to talk some sense into this girl, but I would have like to emphasize the following to truths Alysia: 

  

1.  You can't save him. 

2.  You can't change him. 

3.  He won't change himself because you are wonderful and loving and giving.  And it's pretty arrogant to assume that you are so fabulous that he will be cured by your love and "nuturing".  No one, not even you, is that good.  He WILL take advantage of your wonderfulness, and already has. 

4.  Your brain is still growing and you probably won't even realize you are mortal until you are 25.  You don't have the ability to discern between infatuation and mature love, any more than a 4 year old has the ability to tell the difference between movies and reality.   

5.  You are NOT mature.  Mature people deal with reality, not fantasy, know their limitations, and carefully listen to people with more knowledge and experience.  You are not doing any of this. 

6.  Turning 18 is meaningless in terms of maturing, so don't think that you will be magically all grown up in a few months. 

7.  Your mother loves you and doesn't want you to end up beaten, pregnant, diseased and dumped.  Hint:  she would be one of those people with more knowlege and experience than you.  Dr. Phil would be another one.  Listen to them. 

8.  It CAN happen to you, you ARE fooling yourself, and your judgement in this case is flawed.  Drop the loser who is mooching money off of you, endangering your life and health, cheating on you, and using emotional blackmail (suicide threats) to keep you near him so he can use and abuse you more.  If you are as mature as you think you are, this would be a no-brainer.   

  

and finally, 

  

9.  You are worth so much more than this.  Don't be so desperate for a boyfriend that you are willing to settle for such a low-life.  Find someone your own age, in the same stage of life as you, who isn't willing to you at risk.  Bad boys are bad news - it's time to raise your standards and upgrade to a better class of men. 

  

  

 
January 20, 2006, 12:55 pm CST

01/20 Kids Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: cheerjess

I have had an opendiary and a Xanga (online journals) for a while. I understand the parents concern, wanting to know whats on it and what activities she talks about while on myspace. But personally, if the teen knows her mother or family will be checking her my space/journal. -- She won't post legitimate feelings or situations. I've had friends with parents who checked it, and the friends just created a new one at a new site.  They have a verison of their journal or diary, that is a shell, what they are meant to be, then they have the real me verison. Usually, this verison isnt as detailed but their friends know its them. Just their parents don't know its out their so they cant check it . So while monitoring is good, another point is that it tells the child that they cant trust their parents. Why would a child go to a mom or dad, when they feel that they can't trust their parents?.. Who knows... Thats just my side of the story. I've been there before. Danger is out their... but if you go online to their journal and there mad at you, you cant get mad that they were mad at you. Its not fair to them. Thats the childs venting place... so let them vent their.  

I think that there should be a strict "You can view any part of the page EXCEPT the journal/blog" agreement between children and their parents to avoid this exact situation, where children are creating two or three accounts on sites to have their "real" and "for mom and dad" journals. I agree that everyone should have a venting place. All other profile/picture/comment information should be available for the parents to see and moniter at random. 

  

I disagree that monitering to the extent that you read online journals would make a child feel that they can't trust their parents. They would feel like their parents were being nosey and invading their privacy, but I don't know a kid on earth who would take that and turn it into "Now I can't trust my mom and dad." Especially if they KNEW their parents checked the site/journal and all that. 

 
January 20, 2006, 1:00 pm CST

01/20 Kids Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: albethella

I know everyone wants to think we can trust our children to make rational decision, especially when it comes to online activity, but we can't. Myspace is not run by fathers and mothers, it's run by a man wanting to make a lot of money and promotion for his website. It is IMPOSSIBLE to shield anyone's eyes from improper language, nudity (or the illusion of it), etc. My sister is on it and it makes me sick to see the comments that she gets. Even if a parent says "Don't put half naked pictures of yourself or use improper language" it doesn't make a difference because if you don't have those things on myspace you aren't "myspace popular" which is what most teens/young adult want. The site is deplorable and should not be allowed for anyone under the age of 18, it's just as bad as pornography. If you are a parent take a look for yourself, you won't have to look far for indecent activity.

If your child is so insecure that they feel they have to become "myspace popular" then you have issues other then whether or not they are using myspace. (Everyone knows that there are people who use myspace almost like a popularity contest to see who can collect the most friends. Simply don't accept those friends to your myspace or allow your child to accept them as friends.) WIth the proper steps, you can minimize the inappropriate things to almost nil and certainly to less then your child sees in the "real world" anyways, where cursing and posturing ("I'm so much more mature then my age, see.") is so common. 

  

Not one single person on my friends list uses it in the way you've described. It's simply a matter of being choosey and if you/your child isn't choosey, that's not the fault of the website. 

  

And it's run by the FOX Network, not a man looking to make a lot of money. It was originally set up as a way for underground bands/musicians to network and put their music out. It only later grew to become popular among individuals. 

 
January 20, 2006, 1:05 pm CST

01/20 Kids Ask Dr. Phil

I just saw the show, and usually agree with Dr. Phil.  But one thing I think he missed, perhaps as he's never visited the site many times, I havent either, is that doesnt seem like a very wholesome environment at all.  If those are the people she is hanging out with, then she should not be allowed on that site.  True she will contiune to visit simalir sites.  But if a child has that much time on there hands.....
Browsing the web is quit mind numbing.  Young adults just do it too much, period.
 
January 20, 2006, 1:11 pm CST

I Agree

Quote From: mzdill23

 When will she be turning 18?  Okay, I say that because she is a young woman, dispite what we may think or how hard we preach to these young girls they'll never know what we are really saying until they have been there.  Yes, I do agree with you but I tell you, I have a daughter and it dosen't matter how much I may preach or how blue & black I get in the face my children always have to test the waters.  I don't want her to become his victim by any means but, if that's what she wants let her get burned if she won't listen. I'm also a wife and mother of 2. 

 

 

Respectfully, 

Frusted about the whole damn situation!!!! 

 

 I'm a 17 year old who will be 18 in 3 months.  I've been involved with a 24 year old for the past year and although my parents don't agree with it completely since they have gotten to know him they aren't as worried anymore.  Yes, he has ben in trouble before, but he has had a hard life.  Going from foster home to foster home and being treated bad by the family he did have around, and mostly having his brother be the start of his problems.  I've been hanging out with older people as long as I can remember.  The only time I am ever hanging out with people that are my age is in school, but not until this year.  When I was in the 9th grade I was in classes with all juniors and seniors never anyone my age.  I know this may sound like what a typical 17 year old would say "I am mature for my age", but in reality I am.  I have been taking care of myself since I got a job and haven't asked my mother for a thing but to continue to stay in her home until I have a stable place to stay.  If this young girl wants to be with this older guy let her!  She'll learn from her own mistakes, I told my mother to let me make mine.  I have learned that everything won't always turn out the fairy tale ending, but I have been able to make the descions to better myself and my relationhip.  There may be a 7 year difference between my boyfriend and I and i may have taken care of him longer than I should have, but if this guy really wants to get engaged to her he will get his act together like my boyfriend did in order to stay with m. 

 
January 20, 2006, 1:12 pm CST

myspace.com

 I am so disappointed in Dr. Phil for okaying the use of myspace.com.  He himself said that pedophiles comb these sites looking for girls.  We just experienced this topic in our own home with our 12 year old daughter!  She and her friends had no idea of the consequences that could ensue from posting themselves along with pretty provocative photos of themselves to the world.  We have registered pedophiles in neighboring neighborhoods in our town.  It took a local judge just three searches to locate our girls!  They were posing as 19 year olds.  This site is so dangerous, not only has my daughter sacrificed her security but ours as well.  For what?  What are these children trying to gain from posting all their thoughts/desires/feelings/sexy photos to the world?
Here in Virginia, a 17 year old VCU freshman was murdered by a 30 yr. old man during rough sex, he was an amateur photographer and of course he possessed childhood porn on his computer.  They met through her Blog. 
 
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