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Topic : 03/17 Kids Ask Dr. Phil

Number of Replies: 255
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Created on : Friday, January 13, 2006, 02:27:28 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/20/06) Dr. Phil fields questions from teens across the country. Alysia, 17, wants her mom to approve of her 30-year-old boyfriend, Jamie -- who's in jail and has been charged with domestic violence. Her mother, Linda, says she's living a parent's worst nightmare. She says her daughter was working hard and headed toward college until she met this man, and now her future is at stake. Next, Kaylene, 15, is upset that her mother has banned her from using a Web site where she posted pictures of herself in a bikini. Is the Internet a safe place for a 15-year-old girl? Then, Brittany, 14, says her family moved to Nashville to pursue her dream of being a singer. But now that her parents are having marriage problems, she's caught in the middle and thinks it's all her fault. Plus, see the exciting new project The Dr. Phil Foundation is working on to help some wonderful children beat the odds! Talk about the show here.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

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January 20, 2006, 1:19 pm CST

Alysia and her man.

The importance of a good male role model, for a young woman, has never been so apparent. Alysia sure looks like an intelligent young adult with good logic. The absence of a Fathers positive influence by example has led her with the understanding of a mans contribution, and her role within a relationship , towards a path that is filled with total disregard for her safety and success in life. In a relationship you need equal contribution from both sides. The contribution must be forwardly mobile. To carry the load of the others part will only lead to resentment and unfulfilled expectation... .. Look in the mirror Alysia..You deserve better.. Your Mother deserves better. Your friends deserve better. Society deserves better... and finally...Your children will deserve better. Gods speed in the recovery of your true identity.
 
January 20, 2006, 1:20 pm CST

I can relate

  

I am sixteen and like Brittany I am caught up in the middle of my parent's marital problems. I can truly relate to her. I hate the fact that I am the source that my parents always go to when they need to let off some steam. My parents speak to me like I am their own personal, home pychologist available 24/7. I have enough to worry about. I'm trying to get a job, a driver's licence and into a elite singing group at my school. Plus I have to keep up my grades (3.6 GPA) so that I can get a good scholarship to get into a great college. I comletely understand everything Brittany stated on the show. I really respect Brittany and I hope she knows she is not alone. I wish her lots of luck with her singing career.  

 
January 20, 2006, 1:22 pm CST

High five

Quote From: isabeaur

So let's summarize this 17-year old's "relationship": 

  

1.  He's 30 years old and is molesting a child (oh, yes you are a child still, Alysia, legally and quite obviously emotionally as well). 

2.  He's in jail - a convicted felon. 

3.  He's an abuser, of both women and drugs. 

4.  He's already gotten one woman pregnant and doesn't support that child - even if it was a one night stand (which we have a only convicted felon's word for) he takes no responsibility for his actions and the consequences of those actions.  

5.  He has unprotected sex with Alysia, exposing her to disease and teenage pregnancy, and cheats on her. 

6.  He has coerced Alysia into staying with him by threatening suicide - a classic tactic of a controlling abuser.  Clue:  He hasn't changed. 

7.  She thinks that as a "nurturing" person, she can do some good in his life.   

8.  He tells her what she wants to hear so she will continue to allow him to use her. 

  

Dr. Phil, thank you for trying to talk some sense into this girl, but I would have like to emphasize the following to truths Alysia: 

  

1.  You can't save him. 

2.  You can't change him. 

3.  He won't change himself because you are wonderful and loving and giving.  And it's pretty arrogant to assume that you are so fabulous that he will be cured by your love and "nuturing".  No one, not even you, is that good.  He WILL take advantage of your wonderfulness, and already has. 

4.  Your brain is still growing and you probably won't even realize you are mortal until you are 25.  You don't have the ability to discern between infatuation and mature love, any more than a 4 year old has the ability to tell the difference between movies and reality.   

5.  You are NOT mature.  Mature people deal with reality, not fantasy, know their limitations, and carefully listen to people with more knowledge and experience.  You are not doing any of this. 

6.  Turning 18 is meaningless in terms of maturing, so don't think that you will be magically all grown up in a few months. 

7.  Your mother loves you and doesn't want you to end up beaten, pregnant, diseased and dumped.  Hint:  she would be one of those people with more knowlege and experience than you.  Dr. Phil would be another one.  Listen to them. 

8.  It CAN happen to you, you ARE fooling yourself, and your judgement in this case is flawed.  Drop the loser who is mooching money off of you, endangering your life and health, cheating on you, and using emotional blackmail (suicide threats) to keep you near him so he can use and abuse you more.  If you are as mature as you think you are, this would be a no-brainer.   

  

and finally, 

  

9.  You are worth so much more than this.  Don't be so desperate for a boyfriend that you are willing to settle for such a low-life.  Find someone your own age, in the same stage of life as you, who isn't willing to you at risk.  Bad boys are bad news - it's time to raise your standards and upgrade to a better class of men. 

  

  

High five to this one
 
January 20, 2006, 1:28 pm CST

How would you know?

Quote From: isabeaur

So let's summarize this 17-year old's "relationship": 

  

1.  He's 30 years old and is molesting a child (oh, yes you are a child still, Alysia, legally and quite obviously emotionally as well). 

2.  He's in jail - a convicted felon. 

3.  He's an abuser, of both women and drugs. 

4.  He's already gotten one woman pregnant and doesn't support that child - even if it was a one night stand (which we have a only convicted felon's word for) he takes no responsibility for his actions and the consequences of those actions.  

5.  He has unprotected sex with Alysia, exposing her to disease and teenage pregnancy, and cheats on her. 

6.  He has coerced Alysia into staying with him by threatening suicide - a classic tactic of a controlling abuser.  Clue:  He hasn't changed. 

7.  She thinks that as a "nurturing" person, she can do some good in his life.   

8.  He tells her what she wants to hear so she will continue to allow him to use her. 

  

Dr. Phil, thank you for trying to talk some sense into this girl, but I would have like to emphasize the following to truths Alysia: 

  

1.  You can't save him. 

2.  You can't change him. 

3.  He won't change himself because you are wonderful and loving and giving.  And it's pretty arrogant to assume that you are so fabulous that he will be cured by your love and "nuturing".  No one, not even you, is that good.  He WILL take advantage of your wonderfulness, and already has. 

4.  Your brain is still growing and you probably won't even realize you are mortal until you are 25.  You don't have the ability to discern between infatuation and mature love, any more than a 4 year old has the ability to tell the difference between movies and reality.   

5.  You are NOT mature.  Mature people deal with reality, not fantasy, know their limitations, and carefully listen to people with more knowledge and experience.  You are not doing any of this. 

6.  Turning 18 is meaningless in terms of maturing, so don't think that you will be magically all grown up in a few months. 

7.  Your mother loves you and doesn't want you to end up beaten, pregnant, diseased and dumped.  Hint:  she would be one of those people with more knowlege and experience than you.  Dr. Phil would be another one.  Listen to them. 

8.  It CAN happen to you, you ARE fooling yourself, and your judgement in this case is flawed.  Drop the loser who is mooching money off of you, endangering your life and health, cheating on you, and using emotional blackmail (suicide threats) to keep you near him so he can use and abuse you more.  If you are as mature as you think you are, this would be a no-brainer.   

  

and finally, 

  

9.  You are worth so much more than this.  Don't be so desperate for a boyfriend that you are willing to settle for such a low-life.  Find someone your own age, in the same stage of life as you, who isn't willing to you at risk.  Bad boys are bad news - it's time to raise your standards and upgrade to a better class of men. 

  

  

First of all you don't really know how mature she is.  I am in a similar situation and although he situation is more severe than mine I would never leave my boyfirend for anything else in this world.  He and I have ben through alot together. He has ben in and out of court and jail, but not because of himself but because he has an older brother who uses his name when he gets in trouble.  My boyfriend has been in jail 4 times since I have been with him and all 4 times have been because of other people or for something he was innocent of.  The last time he was in jail was when a 24 year old woman accused him of raping her becuase he wouoldn't help her buy some marijuana.  He sat in jail for 2 months without bond for something he was innocent of.  As for not being able to change someone, it IS possible, believe me I know.  For the past year I have helped my man chang his life.  He also has a child from another girlfriend, but she wouldn't allow him to see her until I helped him change his life around. With the help I gave him he has gotten a job, been able to pay child support without settling it in court, and hasn't ben in jail since the last time he was wrongfully accused of comitting a crime.   

  

Granted not all people are the same, but it is possible to help people to change themselves.  You can give someone who hasn't made the right descions in the past a second chance, if you are careful and watch for the waringing signs then you should have nothing to worry about.  I know you are probably wondering what my parents think of all that I have done for my boyfriend.  Well, my father is against it, but he cannot say much.  He married a woman who is 11 years younger than he is, she is young enough to be my sister.  As for my mother, she loves my boyfriend!  She knows that he has been in and out of trouble, in fact she has helped me get him out of jail when he was locked up for something someone else did.   

  

All I have to say is if she is going to do it any way let her make the mistake, if she doesn't want to listen let her live her life.   

 
January 20, 2006, 1:35 pm CST

01/20 Kids Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: cdugai

I am so disappointed that Dr. Phil told that mother that her daughter should be allowed to continue to go to MySpace.  We also have a 15-year-old daughter and we had some of the same issues.  She is no longer allowed to post her information on MySpace.  I do not see the need for ANYONE to use the web site, but most particularly someone under the age of 18.  Our daughter can stay in touch with the people she knows through instant messaging, which we monitor.  I facilitate a Parent of Teens Support Group at our church and I have told the other parents the same thing.  Take my advice - keep your teenagers away from MySpace!!    
I also was disappointed with his advice on that subject. We had the same problem with our 16 yr old niece who we have custody of. We gave her a 2nd chance and she blew it by telling 20 and 30yr olds where she works, lives and goes to school. The only thing she is allowed to do on the internet now is research for homework and download music. Which can only be done infront of one of us. No more chat, No more My Space, No More Chances!! 
 
January 20, 2006, 1:49 pm CST

Myspace

I happen to enjoy myspace.  I find nothing wrong with it.  If you get comments which are not appropriate..either 1. delete that person from your "friends list" or 2. delete the comment and block the person who left it.
 
January 20, 2006, 1:52 pm CST

MYSPACE

I use myspace daily and I think it's a good thing for the most part to keep in touch with people and whatnot...but to the 15 year old girl...I would suggest she set her profile to private and only her friends that she adds to the list will be able to see her.  and if there is a suspicious person that wants to add her..then she can use her own discretion about who she wants to add.  You can reject people that want to add you to their list of friends by the way.  and to the the 17 year old girl...please dont waste your time with this man...he is only manipulating you into thinking that you need him and you dont!!!!!!!!! there are other nice  young men out there within your age group.  you're beautiful and a smart individual!!!  I was once like that at 17..you think you're in love but you're not...you have your whole life ahead of you to find your true "soulmate". and this man certainly is not im afraid...
 
January 20, 2006, 1:52 pm CST

Why are parents so intolerant????

This show again shows the level of intolerance toward teens in society today.  Experimenting with alcohol, cigs, sex, etc. has been a teenage pastime for centuries.  All the 'Just Say No' and anti-drug programs are never going to work because our teens are only doing what all teens for centuries have done.....experiment with life and new experiences.  Someone was tolerant with you and every other teen going back to the beginning of time.  Having a beer / cigerette or two does not a bad child make. For many parents raising teens today, it doesn't even register on the 'teen-meter'.  Yes, the second mother has sexual preditors to worry about.  But if she continues to nit-pick at her child and create dissention.....she will drive her away and towards what she fears.  Ever heard we create what we fear?  With teens there is a whole lot to fear.  If we allow those fears to direct how we make choices and treat our children, we are not only being intolerant towards normal teenage behavior but we are sending them a message that we are far superior to them and they can't possibly achieve the same level.  I have no idea where this puritan attitude started but parents today had better ditch it.  It's causing untold problems in every community accross the country ...problems the rest of us have to pay the price for.
 
January 20, 2006, 1:59 pm CST

parents please monitor myspace

My daughter and her friends use myspace.  I frequently monitor my daughter's use but it is obvious that many of her friends'  parents do not.  My daughter received a verbal threat at school that 2 girls intended to beat her up.  She went on her myspace and surfed the pages of her "friends". The 2 girls that plannned to "beat up" my daughter had posted threats against my daughter and 2 other girls.  Other girls were cheering them on and asking them to let them know how it went.  I took copies of the threats and cheers to the principal and vice principal of her school.  I also filed a police report and gave copies to the police.   

  

My sister and I both have "hands up" policies in our home.  When our teens are online and we walk into their rooms they have to remove their hands from the computer and let us see what is going on.  If we walk in and they quickly click closed some windows or sites, they lose the computer.  It may seem like an invasion of privacy, but tough. 

 
January 20, 2006, 2:11 pm CST

01/20 Kids Ask Dr. Phil

Personally, I think that just because someone is 17 it doesn't mean that they are too young to fall in love.  And sometimes you can't pick who you are in love with.  We don't really know that everything they say about this guy is true, and even if it is we can't judge him by that because everyone makes mistakes.
 
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